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  1. #61
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    Quote Originally Posted by tibby View Post
    Something like this:

    I try to avoid conflict at first and process things & distance myself a bit to get a clearer picture, but eventually when things pile up and conflict is inevitable, it can be quite explosive from me. I rarely get mad like that, but when I do, I have to try control myself better.
    This.. ^^^^

    Also..Any hurt left unattended and/or unacknowledged eventually turns to anger.
    As an idealist , there is a steady attempt to try and see past things and to keep hoping.
    The hope leads to a sense of security until something trips or rubs the sore spot again.
    Then there is a crash, ideal, hope, trip, crash, ideal, hope, trip, crash.. etc etc.
    Doorslam.

    Who am I angry with at this point?

  2. #62
    Senior Member mochajava's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Arclight View Post
    there is a crash, ideal, hope, trip, crash, ideal, hope, trip, crash.. etc etc.
    Doorslam.
    So on. I like the way you've described this cycle.

  3. #63
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    Quote Originally Posted by Arclight View Post
    This.. ^^^^

    Also..Any hurt left unattended and/or unacknowledged eventually turns to anger.
    As an idealist , there is a steady attempt to try and see past things and to keep hoping.
    The hope leads to a sense of security until something trips or rubs the sore spot again.
    Then there is a crash, ideal, hope, trip, crash, ideal, hope, trip, crash.. etc etc.
    Doorslam.

    Who am I angry with at this point?
    I also agree that this is quite a spot on description of the cycle!

    The problem is, most people have no idea about the raging maelstrom of emotions that lies beneath the calm INFJ surface. I've certainly figured that out over the years - I have horrified people who've been on the eventual receiving end of my rage, or people who haven't been on the receiving end of rage but have glimpsed how deeply hurt I've been by something someone else has done.

    A few months ago I dumped some frustrations on a friend who had behaved inconsiderately in various ways. When I say dumped, I mean we had a pretty tense convo just before she got on a plane, and I said "you did this...you did that...you don't understand." I wasn't shouting, though I did raise my voice. But she was like "why didn't you tell me you were feeling like this before? It's like a volcano!" Haha - honestly, there have been a few times in my life when I have been A LOT more like a volcano. Ie. screaming and slamming doors. Or sending absolutely evil text messages or emails. But even the fact that she said that in that situation gave me a glimpse of what it must be like for people to see a pretty calm and smiling exterior for a long time, and then - from their perspective anyway - the beast is suddenly unleashed. While from our perspective, it's been more like the beast slowly slowly waking up (without our really being aware of it), getting increasingly irritated and eventually bounding out of the cave...
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  4. #64
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I don't think anyone would feel my wrath (or even annoyance) without what seems like ample warning from me if they're paying any attention. It's just that most people would be more likely to say those same things even when they don't feel all that upset, so they assume that those comments are not indicative of anything serious. It also really depends what people do next. For example, I will attempt to just deal with my feelings about something if I am not sure and need more time to observe, or if I am too unsettled to productively discuss or if I think it could go either way. However, if the person continues ignoring that I'm consistently flexing way more than them, even after I've made them aware of it, they may hear a whole shebang of smaller details which have been the last straw in a growing haystack. None on their own are explosion worthy, but all together, there is finally a breaking point. If the person on the other hand chose to make some adjustments, those previous straws would not really matter to me because the irritations would no longer hold significance for me. It would be obvious that the other person was also trying to meet me half way and I would very quickly feel better about the whole thing.

  5. #65
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    I think it partly goes back to that whole thing about expressing your needs more clearly at earlier stages. Well, for me that's certainly part of it. I may think I am expressing a bit of annoyance or irritation or a wish for something to change, to someone who's pushing me a bit, but to them it just seems to come across as me being hyper-flexible and accommodating. So when I can no longer accommodate, it all comes rushing out, and as you say, there will probably be a bunch of extra details which to the other person might even seem like tangential issues.

    I am getting a bit better at this, but it's a bit of a struggle with knowing when and how to express myself appropriately... Sometimes when I express myself at an earlier stage (ie. when it's not going to be a tidal wave of emotion and rage) I still end up feeling like I've been too harsh...or anyway the rational side of me comes out and I can end up sounding quite cold...
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  6. #66
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    Now I wonder if this is just me or if other people here can relate.

    Is there a tendency to fire back with more rage than it appears the situation calls for because you are not only feeling the frustrations of the present situation, but also a little bit of every time you have been stung by something similar?


    For me, it compounds and then it consumes me. When I am consumed, I am relentless.

  7. #67
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    Quote Originally Posted by Arclight View Post
    Now I wonder if this is just me or if other people here can relate.

    Is there a tendency to fire back with more rage than it appears the situation calls for because you are not only feeling the frustrations of the present situation, but also a little bit of every time you have been stung by something similar?


    For me, it compounds and then it consumes me. When I am consumed, I am relentless.
    I think there have definitely been times when I've reacted with more anger, frustration etc than the specific situation requires, but the cumulative effect is mainly to do with whatever that person has done to anger and frustrate me in the past (even if those things weren't extremely significant on their own). So, the reaction I eventually show has not only to do with what they've just done to me, but with a whole bunch of other things they did in the past. This can get a very bad reaction from people because it can seem like you're dredging up the past, holding things against them without telling them, etc. In reality it's more that you tried to let a bunch of stuff go, but ongoing inconsiderate or disrespectful behaviour made it very difficult for you to do so completely, and then it just all builds up and rushes out.

    However, I don't think my anger would have so much to do with how others may have wronged me in similar situations. Although, there might be a bit of that in the background that I'm not really aware of. But mainly it would have to do with that specific person and situation - bearing in mind that universally there are certain things that particularly push my buttons.
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  8. #68
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    bearing in mind that universally there are certain things that particularly push my buttons.
    This is something else as well, and actually seems more accurate to what I am trying to express. I just think several of my buttons are particularly sensitive these days. My level of tolerance is very low for certain things.

  9. #69
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    Quote Originally Posted by Arclight View Post
    This is something else as well, and actually seems more accurate to what I am trying to express. I just think several of my buttons are particularly sensitive these days. My level of tolerance is very low for certain things.
    Yeah, I think I get you. There may for example be a situation where I feel that someone has taken advantage of my good nature (something that happens to me rather a lot, I think...). When I finally get mad about it (either to them, or venting to a friend) I will find myself going "He took advantage of my good nature. I AM SO SICK OF PEOPLE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY GOOD NATURE. Let me tell you about when it happened in 1999. And 2004. And 2008. And..." And that's all with different people.

    Ni making unwanted connections, perhaps? Well, if it helps to see patterns emerging in life which you want to nip in the bud, it could be good. But it can be very frustrating and it's probably frustrating for whoever has to listen to me, too...
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  10. #70
    Diving into Ni-space Crescent Fresh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by picquic View Post
    Do you not find that conflict with loved ones is extremely difficult - conflict with others less so?
    This is SO true, at least from my past experiences.

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