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  1. #51
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    I find angry and upset INFJs really scary and impossible to deal with

    Anything said to them (no matter what it is) seems to make it worse

  2. #52
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unique View Post
    I find angry and upset INFJs really scary and impossible to deal with

    Anything said to them (no matter what it is) seems to make it worse
    ^ No way, not impossible: food, affection, and bribery with gifts seem to do the trick. Less talk. You must cross-line into their space for a hug. That approach works for me when dealing with INFJ family members. <--hug first. be not afraid.

  3. #53
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    Today, people feel invincible. Have you ever felt what its like to see the reaction of people who believe they are physically immune for your anger, shattered like a window?

  4. #54
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nerd Girl View Post
    ^ No way, not impossible: food, affection, and bribery with gifts seem to do the trick. Less talk. You must cross-line into their space for a hug. That approach works for me when dealing with INFJ family members. <--hug first. be not afraid.
    Generally, quite true!

  5. #55
    Senior Member mochajava's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Generally, quite true!
    Hold on - are there types with whom this doesn't work? At least the food / affection / bribery with gifts piece?

  6. #56
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nerd Girl View Post
    ^ No way, not impossible: food, affection, and bribery with gifts seem to do the trick. Less talk. You must cross-line into their space for a hug. That approach works for me when dealing with INFJ family members. <--hug first. be not afraid.
    I think this is a fairly good technique, but for myself, if really mad and upset, I can make it difficult. Stonewalling, avoiding, withdrawing, acting awkward, etc etc. I'd really like a combination of hugs, bribery with gifts, sincere apologies and acknowledgements of where you went wrong. (If you acknowledge where you went wrong, I will probably start telling you all about where I went wrong in the situation, too!)
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  7. #57
    Senior Member mochajava's Avatar
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    That's true - I get very angry if someone starts showering me w/ gifts and praise without being willing to talk about what went wrong. I think that's at the root of my conflicts with family. For me, a dialog about where did each of us go wrong, what are we disagreeing on, and what do each of us want this relationship to look like is really necessary to make a relationship good again!

    If gifts feel like sweeping things under the rug, then I will try to start a dialog, and if that fails then I withdraw. But I think always having the door open for dialog, making it clear that that's what you need, and diplomatically engaging in it no matter what vitriol comes your way are all fair and reasonable ways to deal with conflict.

    Is requiring/expecting a dialog a bad thing? It's just communication, which is crucial for any good relationship, right?

  8. #58
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Requiring/expecting a dialogue shouldn't be a bad thing. Perfectly reasonable and healthy, I'd say.

    Which is why it's kind of bad that I can reach a point where I make it extremely difficult for the other person. That said, if I'm stonewalling and avoiding etc, you've probably done something fairly serious (knowingly or unknowingly), or a lot of cumulative serious things, and you've probably already had a few chance to apologise etc. When some of those mistakes have been made and those chances have been missed, you're going to have to climb/knock down a bigger and bigger wall, I'm afraid...
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  9. #59
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I think one thing that matters a lot to INFJs from what I can see is that problems are resolved in some way and also that there is some kind of plan in place to address future problems when they come up so the same thing doesn't happen. When I am not able to get that, and don't have access to even more information that would help me put things in better context internally, I get very frustrated. The added fluctuation that my frustration gives makes me withdraw, but since it was someone that I deemed worth getting into conflict with in the first place, then that feels terrible as well because things between us are not okay and because I also want desperately to be understood by them or to have the information I need to be able to lay the problem aside if I'm misunderstanding it. It's a horrible position to be in over the long term.

    For smaller misunderstandings, often joking around a bit until I reluctantly acknowledge it or giving me a hug and some petting works great. If there's a reoccurring underlying issue and the person is chronically trying to avoid it this way, then it will only make me more upset. The issue to me is that I find it distressing not to be on good terms with the person in question, I've exhausted my personal resources trying to resolve the problem myself and now I need the other person's information, understanding or assistance in changing the situation. If they are not recognizing how much work I've already put in, or do not deem my distress important, then after awhile it registers more as a rejection of me as a person, rather than just an inconvenient issue that needs to be dealt with. It seems then to me that they don't value our relationship as being significant enough to inconvenience themselves for, they don't recognize their role in what is going wrong, or they feel like I am just being whiny or difficult.

    The longer it is left unaddressed (or my attempts to address it are avoided), the bigger the resentment and hurt grows (especially in the absence of anything to quell racing Ni). Mostly I will hang on if it seems like there is even a shred of hope in changing things for the better, but it doesn't always mean that all is well just because I am still there.

  10. #60
    Senior Member tibby's Avatar
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    Something like this:

    I try to avoid conflict at first and process things & distance myself a bit to get a clearer picture, but eventually when things pile up and conflict is inevitable, it can be quite explosive from me. I rarely get mad like that, but when I do, I have to try control myself better.

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