User Tag List

12 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 19

  1. #1
    Dali
    Guest

    Default Helping an ENFP female get past rape...

    Six weeks ago, my very close 20-something yr-old ENFP pal was verbally abused and then brutally raped by her bastard boyfriend. I found out through a close mutual friend, called her and insisted on her coming to my city for a while so she could mentally de-stress. She adamantly refuses to go to the authorities because she believes it was a one-time thing spawned by too much drink and "doesnt want to ruin his life".

    She's a teacher but also writes quite a bit. Here's some of her recent writing (below):

    "For the past few weeks, I have felt a strange absence of feeling. Each day resembles the next and no momentous rage, not even pain. Just cold cold night and day. I even forgot which day it was and the name of some characters. Somewhere under layers of soft chocolate, I know that something happened but somewhere on the surface theres this imperious voice of reason digging the drill: Keep going. Turn left, right, now stop the engine. Chase away the thoughts before they catch up with you. Face check: passed. Voice check: passed. Everything in order, now go out there and be your usual. Im watching you.

    Youd think that everything would be turned upside down. Well no. There is only the most vast and glaring nothingness. Dreams are heavy, dark trances that diffuse through the night without leaving a trace"

    She's all smiles and refuses to let me see her pain but, once in a while, she would let her guard down and I'd see the maelstrom of hurt and fear lying underneath and it hurts, it really hurts to see that. What should I do? How can I show her I'm there for her? How does one help a friend get over that most heinous violation? (Especially now that she's gone back to her city where the now ex-BF also lives.)

  2. #2
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    MBTI
    intp
    Enneagram
    5w4 sx
    Posts
    7,823

    Default

    No idea other than confort her, maybe you could get her to brake down the barrier by showing how bad you feel for her and the facts that she doesent show her feelings and does nothing about the situation. Enyway you should go fuck that bastard in the ass with a knife.
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

    Read

  3. #3
    Dali
    Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by INTP View Post
    No idea other than confort her, maybe you could get her to brake down the barrier by showing how bad you feel for her and the facts that she doesent show her feelings and does nothing about the situation.
    I've tried to convince her in every way possible but she refuses to budge.

    I've never felt so helpless.

    I'm now concentrating on her well-being rather than making him pay.

    Enyway you should go fuck that bastard in the ass with a knife.
    I had a flight booked (really) but my ExFJ sister talked me out of it and tore the ticket up. That's when I called my pal and asked her to come over to the city where I live.

  4. #4
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    MBTI
    Enfp
    Enneagram
    497 sx/so
    Socionics
    IEE Fi
    Posts
    14,656

    Default

    Make her feel safe. Show her men aren't all scumbags. Hold her, if she lets you. Don't force her to talk but make sure you offer the option once a while. Watch a movie with her on the couch and cuddle, if she'll let you. Otherwise, a simple hand on the shoulder and a look says more than a thousand words. And give her time. A lot of time.

    She's in defense/avoidance mode right now. You have to get her to drop the wall and stop running. The only way to do that is to offer a safe haven, security, a non-judging environment with no pressure where she can rest, can lick her wounds..where no one will expect anything from her. Even if you feel you aint getting anywhere with this approach, don't give up. You are helping her, she just needs time to break down the barrier. Don't expect a reaction. Just be patient.
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





    "Harm none, do as ye will”

  5. #5
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    MBTI
    intp
    Enneagram
    5w4 sx
    Posts
    7,823

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mo View Post
    I've tried to convince her in every way possible but she refuses to budge.

    I've never felt so helpless.

    I'm now concentrating on her well-being rather than making him pay.



    I had a flight booked (really) but my ExFJ sister talked me out of it and tore the ticket up. That's when I called my pal and asked her to come over to the city where I live.
    Did she really see clearly how you feel or did you just tell it to her? I think it makes a huge difference
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

    Read

  6. #6
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    isfp
    Enneagram
    4w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    8,586

    Default

    It sounds a bit like she is in the denial stage of a grieving process, or something similar. Especially for people who are trying to be strong and get past something, I think it is important to let them open up on their timetable which could take a while. The best thing to do is stay in communication with her so you are available at whatever point she wants to open up, if that times comes. I think that sense of connection with zero pressure as a friend is a pretty good combination for someone who has faced something violating and painful.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

    I want to be just like my mother, even if she is bat-shit crazy.

  7. #7
    Dali
    Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Make her feel safe. Show her men aren't all scumbags. Hold her, if she lets you. Don't force her to talk but make sure you offer the option once a while. Watch a movie with her on the couch and cuddle, if she'll let you. Otherwise, a simple hand on the shoulder and a look says more than a thousand words. And give her time. A lot of time.

    She's in defense/avoidance mode right now. You have to get her to drop the wall and stop running. The only way to do that is to offer a safe haven, security, a non-judging environment with no pressure where she can rest, can lick her wounds..where no one will expect anything from her. Even if you feel you aint getting anywhere with this approach, don't give up. You are helping her, she just needs time to break down the barrier. Don't expect a reaction. Just be patient.
    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    The best thing to do is stay in communication with her so you are available at whatever point she wants to open up, if that times comes. I think that sense of connection with zero pressure as a friend is a pretty good combination for someone who has faced something violating and painful.
    This is what I've been doing.

    In the beginning, I'd try to cajole, convince and persuade her to bring him to account for what he'd done. I let her know I'd be there for her every step of the legal process and I was certain that this step would help the healing process. I stopped pushing it on her after a few days and I've been there for her in the way you mentioned.

    I' was hoping to get some NFP insight on this and thank you for your responses.

    Quote Originally Posted by INTP View Post
    Did she really see clearly how you feel or did you just tell it to her?
    She is very much aware of how I feel and feels I'm her rock at the moment.

  8. #8
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    9w1 sx/so
    Posts
    18,086

    Default

    yeah...i don't know if she's also enneagram 7 but there's a tendency to withdraw completely and go numb...almost like an observer...you see people passing by...hear noises but nothing registers....even if she wanted to she might not be able to feel it.

    she's strong though...let her get through it knowing you're there if she needs you.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  9. #9
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    MBTI
    enfp
    Enneagram
    8
    Posts
    13,877

    Default

    Speaking from experience.. People don't always want to tell people when people want to hear it. They want to tell people then they're ready to. It might be too hard to face right now, and until she can heal enough to confront the situation, she may just need to settle down and take days one step at a time.

    Making yourself available, and checking up frequently and being there for her would suffice if this is the case.
    Kantgirl: Just say "I'm feminine and I'll punch anyone who says otherwise!"
    Halla74: Think your way through the world. Feel your way through life.

    Cimarron: maybe Prpl will be your girl-bud
    prplchknz: i don't like it

    In Search Of... ... Kiwi Sketch Art ... Dream Journal ... Kyuuei's Cook book ... Kyu's Tiny House Blog ... Minimalist Challenge ... Kyu's Savings Challenge

  10. #10
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Posts
    976

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mo View Post
    Six weeks ago, my very close 20-something yr-old ENFP pal was verbally abused and then brutally raped by her bastard boyfriend. I found out through a close mutual friend, called her and insisted on her coming to my city for a while so she could mentally de-stress. She adamantly refuses to go to the authorities because she believes it was a one-time thing spawned by too much drink and "doesnt want to ruin his life".

    She's a teacher but also writes quite a bit. Here's some of her recent writing (below):

    "For the past few weeks, I have felt a strange absence of feeling. Each day resembles the next and no momentous rage, not even pain. Just cold cold night and day. I even forgot which day it was and the name of some characters. Somewhere under layers of soft chocolate, I know that something happened but somewhere on the surface theres this imperious voice of reason digging the drill: Keep going. Turn left, right, now stop the engine. Chase away the thoughts before they catch up with you. Face check: passed. Voice check: passed. Everything in order, now go out there and be your usual. Im watching you.

    Youd think that everything would be turned upside down. Well no. There is only the most vast and glaring nothingness. Dreams are heavy, dark trances that diffuse through the night without leaving a trace"

    She's all smiles and refuses to let me see her pain but, once in a while, she would let her guard down and I'd see the maelstrom of hurt and fear lying underneath and it hurts, it really hurts to see that. What should I do? How can I show her I'm there for her? How does one help a friend get over that most heinous violation? (Especially now that she's gone back to her city where the now ex-BF also lives.)
    Please google her city + "rape crisis center"...

Similar Threads

  1. [ENFP] INTJ needs help decoding an ENFP!
    By Lori in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 04-12-2013, 03:35 AM
  2. [ENFP] help an enfp / am i a jerk?
    By revolve in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 05-23-2010, 12:34 AM
  3. [ENFP] Need help decrypting an ENFP
    By Thessaly in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 22
    Last Post: 04-21-2010, 06:33 AM
  4. [ENFP] What would be a good gift to get an ENFP or an INFP?
    By KarenParker in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 55
    Last Post: 07-22-2009, 03:04 AM
  5. [ENFP] How do I get to the dating phase with an ENFP?
    By YoungGun2112 in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: 04-17-2009, 10:53 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO