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  1. #11
    Une Femme est une femme paperoceans's Avatar
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    She needs to see a psychologist.
    Between that cigarillo and sticking my finger down my throat to see if I could DT, I feel like puking RN.

    Read my Blog.

  2. #12
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mo View Post
    In the beginning, I'd try to cajole, convince and persuade her to bring him to account for what he'd done. I let her know I'd be there for her every step of the legal process and I was certain that this step would help the healing process. I stopped pushing it on her after a few days and I've been there for her in the way you mentioned.

    I' was hoping to get some NFP insight on this and thank you for your responses.
    I've been thinking about this thread and a thought occurred to me. The core violation of rape is that feeling of powerlessness over an intimate aspect of oneself. It struck me how natural her reaction is. It makes sense to desire control over a personal response to such a violation. Her pain is deeply intimate, and to be able to suppress it and control it could give a feeling of regaining one's personhood. I wouldn't pressure her into talking about it, but help her feel in control of when and how she opens up as well as letting her feel in control.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

  3. #13
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    She needed help before the incident, I can assure you, and she needs help now.

    Every fiber in my body is telling me that this girl has been severely abused long before she was grotesquely violated by her, *shudders at the mere thought*, boy"friend". I assure you he was not the first person to abuse her in her life, no sir.

    It seems like she's not ready, able or willing to come out of the closet yet.

    You can't force an epiphany on her, it will come, eventually...hopefully.
    `
    'Cause you can't handle me...

    "A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it." - David Stevens

    "That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is that it? It is."

    Veritatem dies aperit

    Ride si sapis

    Intelligentle sparkles

  4. #14
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    ^Completely agree with the above.
    Being there for her is the best of what you can do. Listen to her. Just let her talk when she feels the need.
    There is a thinking stuff from which all things are made, and which, in its original state, permeates, penetrates, and fills the interspaces of the universe.

  5. #15
    the Dark Prophet of Kualu
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mo View Post
    Six weeks ago, my very close 20-something yr-old ENFP pal was verbally abused and then brutally raped by her bastard boyfriend. I found out through a close mutual friend, called her and insisted on her coming to my city for a while so she could mentally de-stress. She adamantly refuses to go to the authorities because she believes it was a one-time thing spawned by too much drink and "doesnt want to ruin his life".

    She's a teacher but also writes quite a bit. Here's some of her recent writing (below):

    "For the past few weeks, I have felt a strange absence of feeling. Each day resembles the next and no momentous rage, not even pain. Just cold cold night and day. I even forgot which day it was and the name of some characters. Somewhere under layers of soft chocolate, I know that something happened but somewhere on the surface theres this imperious voice of reason digging the drill: Keep going. Turn left, right, now stop the engine. Chase away the thoughts before they catch up with you. Face check: passed. Voice check: passed. Everything in order, now go out there and be your usual. Im watching you.

    Youd think that everything would be turned upside down. Well no. There is only the most vast and glaring nothingness. Dreams are heavy, dark trances that diffuse through the night without leaving a trace"

    She's all smiles and refuses to let me see her pain but, once in a while, she would let her guard down and I'd see the maelstrom of hurt and fear lying underneath and it hurts, it really hurts to see that. What should I do? How can I show her I'm there for her? How does one help a friend get over that most heinous violation? (Especially now that she's gone back to her city where the now ex-BF also lives.)
    Quote Originally Posted by SillySapienne View Post
    She needed help before the incident, I can assure you, and she needs help now.

    Every fiber in my body is telling me that this girl has been severely abused long before she was grotesquely violated by her, *shudders at the mere thought*, boy"friend". I assure you he was not the first person to abuse her in her life, no sir.

    It seems like she's not ready, able or willing to come out of the closet yet.

    You can't force an epiphany on her, it will come, eventually...hopefully.
    1+
    Not much to add other than that is what I did. Waited for my own insight and rediscovery of the world. Can't force and shouldn't be forceful about it either.
    But at the same time, don't forget it and don't ignore it. I know it's a thin line but some manage to walk it anyhow.
    Open for interpretation.
    Jo
    Fell for the temptation: Nohari / Johari

  6. #16
    Away with the fairies Southern Kross's Avatar
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    That's really horrible. The poor thing.

    From what I understand, the nothingness feeling is due to holding back the floodgates. Its difficult to hold back one emotional side (ie. the negative emotions) without holding back everything else. The only example I can think of is like a soldier coming back from war. A soldier is expected to hold back his emotions during battle situations, but does it for so long that when he get home he can't release them again. He doesn't feel sadness or fear but he also doesn't feel joy.

    Like others said, its denial she can't escape from. She needs therapy, even if she chooses to do nothing about pressing charges.

    Its difficult to give advice because I don't know if there's much you can do (and it seems like you've certainly tried). I guess its important to try to discourage her from belittling the problem and brushing it off. If you show her how seriously you take it, it might rub off on her. Maybe treat it matter of factly; like a physical wound that needs to be healed. This may help her to realize its something that can't be ignored or dismissed. It makes it logical: if you are injured, you go to the doctor, and just in the same sense, if you experience a traumatic event, you get councilling. There may be rape support foundations or groups nearby. Look into it and offer to go with her - I imagine its quite a hard thing to deal with alone. Be open about it with her because talking around the issue makes it seem like a taboo/embarassing/shameful subject - she's probably blaming herself already.

    Like the others said, you may just have to wait until she's ready and be supportive in the mean time. Its tough to walk that thin line (as Gtzk said) between nagging her and ignoring the whole situation. Hang in there.

  7. #17
    Protocol Droid Athenian200's Avatar
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    Get past it?!

    People don't "get past" rape. She's scarred for life. She'll never forget this, never quite look at people the same way or trust them ever again. A part of her has died.

    She'll survive as a shell of her former self, but that's all you can expect. There's a REASON why it's considered such a heinous crime. The psychological effects are PERMANENT.

    Get past RAPE?! Seriously? Do you even know what you're saying?

    I'm sorry, I know it's not your fault... but I really don't think you understand. This is like watching your parents die at someone else's hand while hearing them laugh and your parents scream would be, only 100x worse. In fact, it's probably worse than anything I can imagine... and I can imagine a whole lot.

  8. #18
    the Dark Prophet of Kualu
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    Quote Originally Posted by Athenian200 View Post
    Get past it?!

    People don't "get past" rape. She's scarred for life. She'll never forget this, never quite look at people the same way or trust them ever again. A part of her has died.

    She'll survive as a shell of her former self, but that's all you can expect. There's a REASON why it's considered such a heinous crime. The psychological effects are PERMANENT.

    Get past RAPE?! Seriously? Do you even know what you're saying?

    I'm sorry, I know it's not your fault... but I really don't think you understand. This is like watching your parents die at someone else's hand while hearing them laugh and your parents scream would be, only 100x worse. In fact, it's probably worse than anything I can imagine... and I can imagine a whole lot.
    She'll learn to trust people again if she wants to trust people.
    I did and do. More or less.

    Depends on how you value "get past/over".
    In my terms that's understanding the others motive and what led him to those actions, why I couldn't do anything about it and accepting that I still have a life that I want to keep. I also needed to understand that I cannot be a victim my entire life and that I had to do things to be able to live.

    You do know that the "sympathy" given by your reply is quite negative?
    If you reacted that way in front of me the next day, I'd walk to another room without a word and possibly never speak to you again.
    If you said something like that now, I would love to hit you but it wouldn't render anything useful from doing so. Violence doesn't, usually.

    Those views are amongst the reasons that it is hard to get over it.

    If you are going to speak about something that you do not know by experience, especially in a matter like this, then please do not narrow your thinking in terms of implausability.
    Last edited by Serendipity; 11-04-2009 at 12:56 PM. Reason: My edited edit sucked and so I withdrew.
    Open for interpretation.
    Jo
    Fell for the temptation: Nohari / Johari

  9. #19
    Senior Member the state i am in's Avatar
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    Fe sometimes gets corrupted when it imagines these kind of things and gets stuck/sees no way out. infjs proclaiming these things helps get them out of us, but that doesn't make them at all true. just ask kafka.

    i agree that a psychologist would be helpful (how Te), but the main thing is to provide overwhelmingly positive support. Fi takes a while to clean itself out, but it can be done. there's obviously no perfect solution but to show you care and do your best. and get as much help in the process as you possibly can. experts help, but it is still often very difficult to find the right expert.

    the desire for vengeance is hard to get over. emotional violence, corruption, pollution is a horrid thing.

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