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  1. #1
    Senior Member Gerbah's Avatar
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    Default INFJs and people close to them?

    I was reading the thread about how to get an INFJ to trust you and some of the stuff I read makes me think someone I know is an INFJ (really long, deep conversations, being “special” friends, etc.). We grew up together and had known each other for a long time and I really loved her like a sister. I thought we'd be friends forever. Then in my early twenties I made a huge change in lifestyle. She was happy for me, but at the same time it was like she was uncomfortable with it. It's just my guess, but my impression is that she thought she had me pegged and knew everything about me and now suddenly I was being unpredictable and different and no longer in the original category she'd put me in. I'm not friends with her any more now because she was acting really arrogant like on the one hand she did respect me, but at the same time she thought she was better than me and was embarrassed about being with me in front of certain people (not in my category). She acted like she knew everything about me (e.g. being surprised when she saw I had a certain pair of shoes she didn't know about), telling me what to do, like how to behave myself properly when meeting my in-laws for the first time, things like that, really patronising.

    I was wondering just out of curiosity if it's common for INFJs to be controlling in that way with people close to them and not treating them properly? I don't think she would behave like that with most people. She's normally very careful and guarded (while appearing friendly, simple and open and fitting in with different types of people, they would never guess – is that also typical of INFJs?). I think I was just familiar enough for her that she didn't feel a need to be careful any more.

  2. #2
    Crazy Diamond Billy's Avatar
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    Sounds like an INFJ to me on some levels. I used to do very similar things before when I was younger. I didnt calm down and start letting things just be until recently.

  3. #3
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I don't know about that specific situation, but I do know that INFJs hold the people close to them to a higher standard that they do to others. This can be frustrating and confusing to the people when they see understanding and non-judgemental attitudes towards others which are not available to them. I think it has a lot to do with INFJs valuing integrity and consistency. If someone is more distant from them, they are not worth having conflict with, nor does it matter nearly as much how they act. INFJs usually only have a small circle of very close people in their life, so I think the behaviour of those people matters a lot more to them and having something in common with them.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Gerbah's Avatar
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    Thanks for the responses. They put an interesting light on what I know about her. Yes, she has only a small circle of people she would consider close to her. The rest might think they're close to her but she isn't close to them in her mind.

    >> If someone is more distant from them, they are not worth having conflict with, nor does it matter nearly as much how they act. <<

    Ah, ok. I did always wonder why and how she could go along so easily with what other people wanted/needed, including people who could really get out line and that I would never indulge, especially when these people weren't important to her. It is a really big deal for her to show her real self, she generally is very controlling of the image she shows to different people depending on how she sees them.

    >> INFJs usually only have a small circle of very close people in their life, so I think the behaviour of those people matters a lot more to them and having something in common with them. <<

    I know that the fact that I was in this small circle mattered a lot in relation to the big change I made in my life. What surprised me about her behaviour was that the change actually gave me a lot more in common with her. I changed my religion to the same religion she is – not because of her at all, this was a very independent decision made after years of research. She knew over these years that I was doing a lot of investigation into different religions and philosophies but I think it may have shocked her more than I realised at the time that I actually went through with making the real, practical life changes. I had never been a bad friend to her. I think what me being suddenly in this new category meant for her was that if I had been in that category from the beginning she would not have shown certain things, shared certain thoughts, behaved a certain way (and from what's been said it seems it's a big deal for an INFJ to share things from their real self). And now I was in a category of people who should not have the information about her that I did. Seeing as we were such close friends I didn't understand how she could be so fearful of me knowing her and her past with this new perspective. I didn't judge her at all. She is deep down insecure though, so it's probably those issues personal to her mixed up with being an INFJ.

    It's very sad. She's a really special person and I valued my relationship with her a lot. But I had to get out of it for my own self-respect.

  5. #5
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    As much as me and my guy friends talk, I never really can establish the connection I get with women. A lot of my guy friends think I'm weird for it (haha I don't blame em) but I am hetero yet relate more with women. It's against society's norm but I am who I am. It's normally girls who I can trust and I know are good at comforting me when I'm hurt by someone or I'm feeling down.

    The Mind is in essence our soul.

  6. #6
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    If your INFJ friend is an enneagram 4, it might be a jealousy issue, too. 4s need to feel special. If you suddenly change yourself and become more like her, whether on purpose or not, she might unconsciously perceive it as a threat to her uniqueness and would act arrogant towards you, thinking that she is the 'original' one and you are just 'copying'. Very unhealthy.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Gerbah's Avatar
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    That rings a bell. Yes, she likes being “original”, in various ways. And yes, after the change weird jealousy issues were coming up that hadn't been there before. Down to really trivial things like when her mother was helping me write an important letter and she was trying to get attention by putting on a pair of sunglasses and asking how she looked in them. I had never seen her act like that before. And I was really shocked she would behave like that during something that was so serious for me. She had always been so caring and considerate in the past.

    She was also getting very assertive about how much I needed her and everything will be much better now she's here. And doing other weird things like making a face when I got an sms on my phone as if I'm such a loser with no friends that's weird that Gerbah gets an sms (??? Ok, I don't try to be special friends with everyone including the florist and supermarket people but I am able to make friends with people I like!). She was generally being very passive-aggressive and rude. Either I had overestimated how much she valued me or she was taking me for granted. For the first time in our relationship I felt like she was just using me for when she couldn't be with other people she respected more or who were better for what mood she happened to be in. The worst was when someone said to us “oh, you're together” because they were surprised and didn't know we knew each other (we hardly knew them anyway) and she said like she was uncomfortable, “I don't know anyone else in this city” and I was standing right there!! :-( But anyway, I'm just ranting now. I understand better now and am more careful. ISTJs can take things too literally and I was rather naďve when I was younger but I've learned to look more at what's really going on.

  8. #8
    The Memes Justify the End EcK's Avatar
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    Oh, i've known an infj for years (i only see her once a year). I really like her but i'm inconfortable with her around as I don't feel like I can be myself, it's just that I changed alot in the last few years and fixed some social anxiety issues I used to have.
    So well, I often get the feeling that somehow who I was is still the norm in her head. She'd always compare what I do to what I used to do, I don't think in that way at all, may be related to the p/j difference, dunno.
    Expression of the post modern paradox : "For the love of god, religions are so full of shit"

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  9. #9
    Senior Member Gerbah's Avatar
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    Yeah, I was also feeling with this INFJ that her picture of me was based on how I was when we were still in school. I've changed a lot over the years and she wasn't even in the same country as me for most of the later years (although we saw each other every year) so she didn't know as much about me as she thought she did.

    I don't think it's a P/J thing. I'm a J but I'm ok with change. Especially big, serious change like when people change and develop. I can also make cut offs quite quickly and easily if I feel it's the right thing to do. It bugs me more on a lower level like when my ENTP husband does something like suddenly change the plan/what I thought was the plan at the last minute. But I've learned from him how to live with that!

  10. #10
    the Dark Prophet of Kualu
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    Isn't Si memory recollection and a built image?
    Or something.
    Open for interpretation.
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