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Thread: INFJs and people close to them?

  1. #31
    Senior Member Array Gerbah's Avatar
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    Oct 2009


    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    In most cases, it is not a matter of planned out deception, but rather little things that add to each other until there is a whole separate side that you feel you can't share.

    Certainly INFJs are hard on themselves and do have an ideal of what they want to be. They are deeply ashamed and embarrassed when they mess up on that and if anyone does know, it is only someone very very close.
    Thanks for that perspective. It's only very recently that I've started to learn that certain personalities have self-identity as such a core issue. I knew that she is very concerned about finding out what her big dream in life is to do but I just assumed she'll figure it out eventually. I didn't realise that searching goes so deep. My own issues aren't to do with identity. I have tested as INFP as well as ISTJ, so I can understand that searching and self-reflection, but my sense of self is pretty stable and a non-issue. I just take it for granted that I know who I am and what I want and that I do something about it, and I'm starting to learn (also from other people in my life) that I need to understand that others are not necessarily working from that position through no fault of their own, so my first reaction was to feel deceived. But if she's coming from a point where getting comfortable with herself is her major life issue, then ok, it wouldn't be as cold as I originally thought.

  2. #32
    Iron Maiden Array fidelia's Avatar
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    May 2009
    1w2 so/sx


    I should also add that what the INFJ views as being too embarrassing to openly share may not be nearly as bad as they feel it is. They are very picky with themselves and feel distressed if it appears they are being hypocritical.

    Nearly everything the INFJ cares about is an extension of them - their close friends, their interests, their opinions, their ideas. That's why they are usually pretty loyal friends and also why they get upset at people who make fun of or discount something they like - it feels like a very personal rejection of them as a whole. It also is the reason why they have very high standards (and seem overly pushy) about how they think their friends should act. In this case, though, it sounds more like an issue of them feeling their security was compromised rather than something you didn't live up to.

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