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  1. #11
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gerbah View Post
    That rings a bell. Yes, she likes being “original”, in various ways. And yes, after the change weird jealousy issues were coming up that hadn't been there before. Down to really trivial things like when her mother was helping me write an important letter and she was trying to get attention by putting on a pair of sunglasses and asking how she looked in them. I had never seen her act like that before. And I was really shocked she would behave like that during something that was so serious for me. She had always been so caring and considerate in the past.

    She was also getting very assertive about how much I needed her and everything will be much better now she's here. And doing other weird things like making a face when I got an sms on my phone as if I'm such a loser with no friends that's weird that Gerbah gets an sms (??? Ok, I don't try to be special friends with everyone including the florist and supermarket people but I am able to make friends with people I like!). She was generally being very passive-aggressive and rude. Either I had overestimated how much she valued me or she was taking me for granted. For the first time in our relationship I felt like she was just using me for when she couldn't be with other people she respected more or who were better for what mood she happened to be in. The worst was when someone said to us “oh, you're together” because they were surprised and didn't know we knew each other (we hardly knew them anyway) and she said like she was uncomfortable, “I don't know anyone else in this city” and I was standing right there!! :-( But anyway, I'm just ranting now. I understand better now and am more careful. ISTJs can take things too literally and I was rather naďve when I was younger but I've learned to look more at what's really going on.
    From your post she sounds very insecure. And it seems like she doesn't value your friendship much at all! From relationships like this, maybe it's a good thing to just step away.

  2. #12
    Senior Member Gerbah's Avatar
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    Yeah, I gave it a year of that kind of behaviour before I got out of it for good. I just found it so bizarre because after I made the change she became so different. I don't think I was mistaken in thinking we were close. I've been reading around a bit more on the forum about INFJs and I can really relate to the description of them like an onion with lots of layers and them being picky about removing another layer. I really think that when I made this lifestyle change I was suddenly in another category and this put the arrangement of her layers for me out of whack. If I had unknowingly done something wrong, she never said so. She even apologised to me at one point for her behaviour. But although after that she was more careful I could sense it was just politeness. And I didn't need to stick around for lip service.

    It was just so hurtful because I'd been there through thick and thin for her when no one else was and it was like she didn't need her dependable “crisis” friend any more. Since I've been reading around the forum, I'm pretty sure she's an INFJ with her cosmic connection and all that. I mean, it was nice and I enjoyed that closeness, I would have dreams where I could see what was happening to her or what she was thinking about. I still do sometimes. I just couldn't believe she could turn around just like that on what we had developed over 15 or so years of friendship, or dis me just for the sake of her image to a bunch of people she didn't even know and wouldn't be seeing again. I don't know all the factors of course but I wasn't the only person in her life who was distancing from her at this time, so I don't take it too personally.

  3. #13
    The Memes Justify the End EcK's Avatar
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    What sort of change btw?
    Expression of the post modern paradox : "For the love of god, religions are so full of shit"

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  4. #14
    Senior Member Gerbah's Avatar
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    >> Isn't Si memory recollection and a built image?
    Or something. <<

    Yeah, something like that. One of things you use Si for is to store memories and impressions.

  5. #15
    Senior Member Gerbah's Avatar
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    >> What sort of change btw? <<

    I changed my religion. When I was around 21 I seriously asked myself, what is the truth? So I started from scratch, scrapped everything I'd ever heard or been told and tried to examine things objectively and rationally. I started from zero and built up my beliefs until I had something I could accept with peace as true and that I could live by.

  6. #16
    Senior Member mwv6r's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gerbah View Post
    ...like when her mother was helping me write an important letter and she was trying to get attention by putting on a pair of sunglasses and asking how she looked in them. I had never seen her act like that before. And I was really shocked she would behave like that during something that was so serious for me. She had always been so caring and considerate in the past.

    She was also getting very assertive about how much I needed her and everything will be much better now she's here. And doing other weird things like making a face when I got an sms on my phone as if I'm such a loser with no friends that's weird that Gerbah gets an sms (??? Ok, I don't try to be special friends with everyone including the florist and supermarket people but I am able to make friends with people I like!). She was generally being very passive-aggressive and rude.
    This doesn't sound INFJ to me, even unhealthy INFJ. If you say she made friends with "everyone including the florist and supermarket people" I think that'd be a sign of extroversion rather than introversion. An unhealthy, manipulative ENFJ perhaps?

  7. #17
    Artisan Conquerer Halla74's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    ... but I do know that INFJs hold the people close to them to a higher standard that they do to others.
    And sometimes this reinforces us to be our best. It's not always bad, especially if living up to those standards is recognized.

  8. #18
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    You know, I never really felt like my standards for other people, even those close to me, were exceedingly high. Actually, kind of the contrary. I am just happy if I can find anyone who will make any kind of effort to be my friend, so I really can't be that judgemental. That said, I have a certain need for space, and if anyone violates it too badly, which has happened before, I tend to either hold them back with one hand or in extreme cases, doorslam them. That rarely happens, though, and I only do it when people smother me so much I feel like I'm going to explode. I can count on one hand how many times this has happened.

    For people who I feel are close to me, I treat them better than anyone else. I feel as the few who I can really rely on and trust, they deserve no less. I wish I could rely on more people, but I find most people extremely irrational. Maybe that's just because I'm young.

    Anyway the person the OP describes sounds kind of like an INFJ, definitely an IN-something I would guess. The one thing I'll say is that INFJs do seem prone to this problem in some cases, and this may be an example of that. Any INFJ with this problem should be careful to check it. I have a few INFJ friends, and only one has this problem (and he has issues). In general, I most INFJs I've met aren't like that (although I only know a few, we're a rare breed, that's for sure).
    A hero is someone who does the right thing without expectation of reward, just because it's the right thing to do.

  9. #19
    Senior Member Gerbah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mwv6r View Post
    This doesn't sound INFJ to me, even unhealthy INFJ. If you say she made friends with "everyone including the florist and supermarket people" I think that'd be a sign of extroversion rather than introversion. An unhealthy, manipulative ENFJ perhaps?
    I don't know much about ENFJs as a type. I'm pretty sure she's introverted though. She said herself once that she is more comfortable with one-on-one interactions than being in groups. She just likes to be personable and warm and make a special feeling with her local florist, etc. She knows it's superficial and she did say to me once something along the lines of that she thinks she actually shouldn't do that so much and should work more on real openness with people. I think she just likes to be charming and get the reassurance that she is a likable person.

  10. #20
    Senior Member Gerbah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LotsOfHeart View Post
    For people who I feel are close to me, I treat them better than anyone else. I feel as the few who I can really rely on and trust, they deserve no less. I wish I could rely on more people, but I find most people extremely irrational. Maybe that's just because I'm young.
    That would be the normal thing to do with those close to you who've proved their commitment to you. When this INFJ apologised to me for her behaviour, as a kind of explanation she did say that she can treat her husband badly sometimes but that he just accepts her as she is. I was like, oh. I didn't say anything but I'm sure she picked up my vibe that that kind of thing doesn't square with me.

    I've recently been investigating the Enneagram though and a lot of things I've read about unhealthy 4s really resonate with me in relation to this INFJ. I've put the relationship behind me but I do still think about her sometimes despite myself. She was one of the most significant people in my life and I still feel a kind of need to understand what happened.

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