[ENFJ] ENFJ sister; how do I communicate?

[ayoitsStepho]

So currently I'm sharing a room with my 17 year old ENFJ sister while I'm awaiting to go to college and some patterns have occured in our communication with eachother. I find that I simply do not know how to relate to her at all. I mean, we dont fight but we dont talk either. She does NOT like to be touched (ex. hugs). She's a very out going person around people outside our house. She's very much the one to be first and going into a new situation, almost fearless, but at home she keeps to herself and doesnt speak very often. When I've asked her why she doesnt talk to me much the usually replys with "you dont talk to me, why I should I talk to you?". But I've told her over and over again that when ever I try to talk to her, she ignores me like anything I say is stupid and isn't important. At that point she ignores me once again...
She holds grudges forever, but she doesnt seem lead by her emotions...which is weird because she claims she's an ENFJ, that the discription was right on. I've never seen her move a muscle towards anything emotional. I've never seen her cry-ever. In fact, I've never seen her being too emotional period.
She isn't extremely bright, I mean she may but she really plays the stupid factor alot and tends to hurt peoples feelings easily and when she's confronted about it, she just goes "whatttt?" with a really dumb look on her face like she has no idea what your talking about. She has this nose in the air attitude towards everyone in our house. It frusterates me because she domains our room, telling me what to do even though I'm clearily older than her.
So is there any sane way I can communicate with her? Any way to get her to open up? Or are we simply wrong about her type as well? I'm not sure, I'm just tired of this coldness living in my room.

Edit: just to note, I'm writting this without any frusteration towards my sister. I just decided I'd like to know her, and this is the information I thought would be useful to do so.

 

[OrangeAppled]

She doesn't sound like any ENFJs I know .....can you try and give us less biased info? I mean, I'm hearing a lot of "my sister annoys me", which is fine, cuz you want to vent, but it's hard to type someone off that info...

If she's an ENFJ, I find you cannot pry them open, and they are deceptively outgoing (very guarded emotionally). You just have to let them know you are there for them, and they will open up when they feel safe with you. I thought all ENFJs loved , but maybe not .

 

[glitterincateyez]

well... as an enfj myself, I find it hard to talk to other people about the issues going on in my own head... I know that other people want to help, but I don't want to burden them with my issues, I'd much rather focus and help others first. Really its just best to let me know that you are there for me and then eventually Ill come around when I feel like I can trust you and open up to you without feeling judged... Or if you open up to me a lot I feel a special bond that you can trust me that much and I will return the favor and open up more to you.

I can definatly understand the demanding part... I tend to be all about instant gratification a lot of the time... But I just figured that it was just impatience... Or OCD lol

 

[ayoitsStepho]

...actually as biased as it sounds, thats who she is to all of us in our family... I was trying to make it very unbiased. I suppose its hard to truely explain her because I do not know her. I do wish to, but she comes across as arrogent when I do try to communicate. Its like she WANTS to keep me out, to keep us all out. I do not understand and I do wish to. But when I try to talk about such things, she dismisses it. I wonder if she has a problem with actually wanting me to see how she really feels about things, like she thinks she has to be strong... I suppose I just dont know..

 

[ayoitsStepho]

well... as an enfj myself, I find it hard to talk to other people about the issues going on in my own head... I know that other people want to help, but I don't want to burden them with my issues, I'd much rather focus and help others first. Really its just best to let me know that you are there for me and then eventually Ill come around when I feel like I can trust you and open up to you without feeling judged... Or if you open up to me a lot I feel a special bond that you can trust me that much and I will return the favor and open up more to you.

I can definatly understand the demanding part... I tend to be all about instant gratification a lot of the time... But I just figured that it was just impatience... Or OCD lol

Yeah, I see what your saying. It's more of a trust thing yes? See I can understand that not wanting to bother others with my problems. In fact that would be a reason why I dont 'bother' her with mine, but when I do...she's not all there so to me it shows she's not listening, so I shut down and leave her alone. Maybe I'm not paying attention to any signs she's giving off... I just want to be close with her.
I think though, the only time we're ever close is when we both go out and do something together, like go to the mall and such. I feel she opens up to me more and is able to be a little more free. Other than that, she's a closed book.

 

[glitterincateyez]

Yeah, I see what your saying. It's more of a trust thing yes? See I can understand that not wanting to bother others with my problems. In fact that would be a reason why I dont 'bother' her with mine, but when I do...she's not all there so to me it shows she's not listening, so I shut down and leave her alone. Maybe I'm not paying attention to any signs she's giving off... I just want to be close with her.
I think though, the only time we're ever close is when we both go out and do something together, like go to the mall and such. I feel she opens up to me more and is able to be a little more free. Other than that, she's a closed book.

ENFJ, from what I understand, we are very people oriented and we love helping others ( I know I do), so its strange to hear that you feel like she isnt paying you any attention... however when you go to talk to her, do you just come in the room and start letting your heart spill and she is in the middle of something, or have you tried saying... "dearest, sweetest sister, I really need someone to talk to, do you think you can listen to me for a little bit " Maybe not that sickening sweet(lol), but if you let her know how important it is to you, more than likely you will get a better response from her.

The reason your sister opens up to you more when you guys go out and do stuff could be a number of things. Maybe she doesnt feel comfortable talking about things with you at home because she feels like the walls have ears and she doesn't want the WHOLE family to know her business, we tend to be pretty secretive about ourselves. And also, if you start tapping into her Extroversion, going out and trying new things together, getting her out where there are new people to talk to...you guys can build a stronger bond together...

I thought of something last night before I went to bed...I soo much.... it is VERY odd your sister doesnt as an ENFJ... But at the same time, we "mirror" emotion sometimes. I have a really good friend of mine... he is INxP...He is branching out into the world of physical contact... I could always go give him a hug... it was never an issue, he would just stand there and take it with his arms at his side, very cute lol. Now he is starting to approach people for hugs... the first time he did it, it was kinda awkward for me, I wasn't prepared for it so It probably came off as a very awkward, what are you doing to me, hug. If its not normal for a lot of physical contact it probably just makes her confused... especially if she feels like its way out of the normal... just a thought

 

[JustHer]

I just want to first point out that it is possible that she may be an ENTJ. When it comes to entj WOMEN, they often have a much more developped feeling side than men.. largely from social pressure. Plus they have all sorts of emotional confusion to deal with from having such a type with their gender and may confuse that as being more sensitive than they may actually be.


But disregarding that, it may very much be the N factor. I live in a family of S's and it can be very frustrating when they pick up a sort of dismissive attitude about the abstract things I share with them. My ESTP sister keeps telling me how much she wants me to open up to her and tell her more about my life, but I know that she isn't actually goign to interpret what I share with her in the right way. They often think I'm being "rebellious" when I talk about something highly unconventional.. and despite knowing that she has good intentions, I often find it just condescending and overall a waste of time.

The reason she opens up more around other people could be that in a larger group there are likely other people she can better relate to, and may feel that her ideas will be better understood and definitely more appreciated.

 

[Thursday]

Well.......she and I have very similar behavior.
From what I can understand about myself, humor and intrigue are the keys to opening her mouth. As far as what she's thinking or feeling, that will only come when she chooses.

Introduce a novel and whacky idea or make a joke.
This will be much like chopping ice blocks - piece by piece
Soon enough, the ice will chip off and she may even warm up.
But use the Fi to chip it away. I think her reaction to how she offended people is a way into it - it gets me curious and I start to feel bad and start asking questions.
Tell her how much it hurts you when she acts like that and how you just want to know her better. Be persistent

 

[ayoitsStepho]

Well.......she and I have very similar behavior.
From what I can understand about myself, humor and intrigue are the keys to opening her mouth. As far as what she's thinking or feeling, that will only come when she chooses.

Introduce a novel and whacky idea or make a joke.
This will be much like chopping ice blocks - piece by piece
Soon enough, the ice will chip off and she may even warm up.
But use the Fi to chip it away. I think her reaction to how she offended people is a way into it - it gets me curious and I start to feel bad and start asking questions.
Tell her how much it hurts you when she acts like that and how you just want to know her better. Be persistent

Ah, the Fi...that could work.
Thank you.

I just want to first point out that it is possible that she may be an ENTJ. When it comes to entj WOMEN, they often have a much more developped feeling side than men.. largely from social pressure. Plus they have all sorts of emotional confusion to deal with from having such a type with their gender and may confuse that as being more sensitive than they may actually be.


But disregarding that, it may very much be the N factor. I live in a family of S's and it can be very frustrating when they pick up a sort of dismissive attitude about the abstract things I share with them. My ESTP sister keeps telling me how much she wants me to open up to her and tell her more about my life, but I know that she isn't actually goign to interpret what I share with her in the right way. They often think I'm being "rebellious" when I talk about something highly unconventional.. and despite knowing that she has good intentions, I often find it just condescending and overall a waste of time.

The reason she opens up more around other people could be that in a larger group there are likely other people she can better relate to, and may feel that her ideas will be better understood and definitely more appreciated.

I wouldnt be surprised if she was an INTJ, to be honest.
I think you have a great point here. Our family is full of S's and its very possible she doesnt feel understood. I know my dads an N and she seems to work well with him, so that could be a big key in all of this.
How crazy that something as different as the sencing and intuitive factor would make it difficult to understand. Thank you

ENFJ, from what I understand, we are very people oriented and we love helping others ( I know I do), so its strange to hear that you feel like she isnt paying you any attention... however when you go to talk to her, do you just come in the room and start letting your heart spill and she is in the middle of something, or have you tried saying... "dearest, sweetest sister, I really need someone to talk to, do you think you can listen to me for a little bit " Maybe not that sickening sweet(lol), but if you let her know how important it is to you, more than likely you will get a better response from her.

Well, see she is very people oriented and seems to have no problem having heart to heart conversations with her friends. So that makes me wonder, "ok, what am I doing wrong? How can I better communicate to her?"
I probably shouldnt burst through the doors and open my heart up right away, lol. That probably freaks her out a bit...I should work on that.

The reason your sister opens up to you more when you guys go out and do stuff could be a number of things. Maybe she doesnt feel comfortable talking about things with you at home because she feels like the walls have ears and she doesn't want the WHOLE family to know her business, we tend to be pretty secretive about ourselves. And also, if you start tapping into her Extroversion, going out and trying new things together, getting her out where there are new people to talk to...you guys can build a stronger bond together...

This makes a ton of sence as well. I know that certain people in our family tend to talk about her behind her back and it upsets her. So yes I can see how getting away from the house and actually doing something would make it easier for her to open up to me. Actually I'm starting to see why she doesnt communicate with our family...there's a lack of trust that alot of us have done a horrible job of destroying
I realise my mother and sister tend to gossip about others in our family, I deff try to stay away from that because I'm the only one that can fit in and actually get along with each member of my family and I dont want to ruin that. So obviously this needs to change.
I think its a great idea to go out with her, just us and spend time togeher. I think it'll allow us to have something that is ours and no one elses.
Thank you very much, you helped alot!

 

[glitterincateyez]

You're welcome!!! Im glad to help

 

[BlackCat]

She sounds like an ENTJ. Also sounds like a good roommate, won't bother you with her crap going on in her life.

 

[nynesneg]

She sounds like an ENTJ. Also sounds like a good roommate, won't bother you with her crap going on in her life.

Actually as an ENFJ I can relate to all of what OP said, awhile ago when I was about 16-17 and in a really unhealthy depressed phase of my life. PMs on their way.

Except for the part about acting dumb. Or demanding people fit to how you want things. /halo. jk


As far as the touchy feely part... I went through a phase where I couldn't stand hugs from my family (dad esp). Because to me we had never been close, then something happened and all of a sudden he said "we should all pull together as a family". And tried to give us hugs every day when I didn't feel like he deserved my emotional closeness, as terrible as that sounds. It's a trust thing, same for alot of other people, I felt like I was't close enough trusting them for them to deserve the emotional intimacy of a hug. I used to look forward to getting a hug from one person at church all week long because it made me feel loved.

While I'm all friendly and open right now as a fairly balanced ENFJ, during that time I also felt like I couldn't talk to anybody about my problems. Maybe 1-2 people in the entire world (out of my 10-20 friends). While my world externally was kinda going through a crisis, I locked all my emotions up. I didn't think anybody could understand and rarely cried, maybe only a couple times alone, like when a movie made me realize how lonely I was inside.