[MBTI General] ESFP sister driving me insane

[briochick]

It's not just sibling rivalry. I used to fight with my ESTP brother. Now we get on pretty well. I don't get her. She doesn't get me.

It's like we speak different freaking languages. Anything I think is an appropriate topic of conversation she thinks is snobby and dogmatic and a waste of time, and what she considers good topics of conversation usually result in me staring open mouthed because of it's a. inanity, or b. sheer moral apathy. If I don't figure out how to interact with her peaceably it's going to dive me insane, or possibly to stab her with a fork.
I try to ask her about her friends but she doesn't know anything *about* them. Maybe where they live or who they're dating, what they did last week, or a food they like. But what they think, what they fear, what they believe and hope for, what they resent. Nope.
I thought I'd invite her to sensory things, since she's an S, but she doesn't like playing sports, she doesn't like working out, she doesn't like nature. She only wants to shop if she's buying something for herself (I don't have much money so I've invited her to go to a store and try on shoes/clothes, just for fun, but to no avail).
Tried movies but they don't really work, just because our preferences are so different.
I can't eat with her, even though we both love to eat, because I like real food and she likes fast food, and then she complains about being fat (which she isn't, and I tell her that if she stopped eating foods that were not only going to give her cancer and diabetes but were absolutely killing her metabolic rate than at least she wouldn't be bloated, and then she gets mad about me calling her fat even though she called herself fat and I only said bloated which is totally different than fat...).
We can't talk about boys, because as much as she gets along with them and I usually don't, she is so cynical that I can't stand it. She also keeps trying to hook me up with losers (well, he graduated high school, and he's worked at Taco Bell for six months, *and* his parole is almost up. He even believes in God. You should meet him). Maybe I'd rather be single. But, she doesn't get that, because she *has* to be around people, like, ALL THE FREAKING TIME.
And, when I ask her why she does something, or why she thinks something she looks at me like *I've* said something stupid or offensive and usually answers with "how should I know?" And I have no answer to that question because to me it's like asking "how do I breathe?"

I'm not going to say I'm doing things right here. I know I'm not always gracious when I'm interacting with her, but I'm going to be here for a couple months more and since we're in the same house, I need to learn how to *interact* with her in a civil way, rather than just ignore her (which I've taken to doing as much as possible).

So, advice is very welcome. Especially from other Ns and NFs but from all types. Just, please don't tell me "if you were nicer to her this wouldn't be a problem," as it doesn't explain how I'm supposed to go about dealing with her.

 

[Laurie]

How old are you two? It sounds like that part of the problem, to me.

I have an ESFP sister, and I've seen the "wha??" looks. You both need to learn to appreaciate the other person's strengths, that's all it comes down to.

 

[briochick]

Elaur: I'm 25, she's 18. You wouldn't happen to have any idea how one goes about learning to appreciate another person strengths would you?

 

[Skyward]

Elaur: I'm 25, she's 18. You wouldn't happen to have any idea how one goes about learning to appreciate another person strengths would you?

Brainstorm about what they do better than you or most people. Those are her strengths.

The age difference has to mean something too. She's still a teenager and still growing up.

 

[Hexis]

Im 21 one and have 20 year old ESFP sister, my sister was very nearly exactly the same way. And we used to always fight, actual fist fights and stuff when were younger. When I was 16 I had to go live with my father and my sister stayed with my mother. When we "reconnected" I was 19 and she was 17, those 3 years apart really did the trick. It gave both of us time to grow into who we are today, and when we came back into each others lives grew really fond of each other.

To this day I actually live with my sister in our mothers house, and we have our problems. She has friends over all time of the day, even when shes not here or at work. Which drives me up a wall. But we respect each other and are able to talk things out.

Though I dont think no matter how old or mature an ESFP becomes I think they will still pick dead beat, piece of shit, hollow friends...did i say that?

Oh and a side note, my crazy mother is also an ESFP...

 

[Ulaes]

Oh and a side note, my crazy mother is also an ESFP...

well, i guess the partys at your house then...

 

[briochick]

Though I don't think no matter how old or mature an ESFP becomes I think they will still pick dead beat, piece of shit, hollow friends...did i say that?

Lol, yes, you did, and it was hilarious.

 

[Cranky]

It's not just sibling rivalry. I used to fight with my ESTP brother. Now we get on pretty well. I don't get her. She doesn't get me.

It's like we speak different freaking languages. Anything I think is an appropriate topic of conversation she thinks is snobby and dogmatic and a waste of time, and what she considers good topics of conversation usually result in me staring open mouthed because of it's a. inanity, or b. sheer moral apathy. If I don't figure out how to interact with her peaceably it's going to dive me insane, or possibly to stab her with a fork.
I try to ask her about her friends but she doesn't know anything *about* them. Maybe where they live or who they're dating, what they did last week, or a food they like. But what they think, what they fear, what they believe and hope for, what they resent. Nope.
I thought I'd invite her to sensory things, since she's an S, but she doesn't like playing sports, she doesn't like working out, she doesn't like nature. She only wants to shop if she's buying something for herself (I don't have much money so I've invited her to go to a store and try on shoes/clothes, just for fun, but to no avail).
Tried movies but they don't really work, just because our preferences are so different.
I can't eat with her, even though we both love to eat, because I like real food and she likes fast food, and then she complains about being fat (which she isn't, and I tell her that if she stopped eating foods that were not only going to give her cancer and diabetes but were absolutely killing her metabolic rate than at least she wouldn't be bloated, and then she gets mad about me calling her fat even though she called herself fat and I only said bloated which is totally different than fat...).
We can't talk about boys, because as much as she gets along with them and I usually don't, she is so cynical that I can't stand it. She also keeps trying to hook me up with losers (well, he graduated high school, and he's worked at Taco Bell for six months, *and* his parole is almost up. He even believes in God. You should meet him). Maybe I'd rather be single. But, she doesn't get that, because she *has* to be around people, like, ALL THE FREAKING TIME.
And, when I ask her why she does something, or why she thinks something she looks at me like *I've* said something stupid or offensive and usually answers with "how should I know?" And I have no answer to that question because to me it's like asking "how do I breathe?"

I'm not going to say I'm doing things right here. I know I'm not always gracious when I'm interacting with her, but I'm going to be here for a couple months more and since we're in the same house, I need to learn how to *interact* with her in a civil way, rather than just ignore her (which I've taken to doing as much as possible).

So, advice is very welcome. Especially from other Ns and NFs but from all types. Just, please don't tell me "if you were nicer to her this wouldn't be a problem," as it doesn't explain how I'm supposed to go about dealing with her.

I can give you the shadow of this experience. I'm INTJ; my sister is ESTJ. She's never liked the word "Why?" in her entire life. I'm convinced that if the OED tossed it out of the dictionary she wouldn't miss it.

Different worlds is right; in this case, she views ME as morally compromised, and I think she's staggeringly uptight. Stop and marvel for a minute at ME thinking ANYONE else is uptight, and you'll get a picture of just how regimented and unquestioning her life is.

OTOH, she may have a point about my moral ambiguity.

We get along much better living 2000 miles apart. You seem to view your sister as flighty but sensitive; she probably views you as stodgy but sensitive. I view my sister as narrow-minded but logical; she probably views me as immoral but logical. Does that make sense?

 

[sculpting]

oh, heh, I have an ESFP sister. Yes, all of the above was very familiar growing up.

She just broke up her best friend from May's marriage using myspace comments about the lady wanting to have an affair with her other new best friend's husband. It stared over children stealing pencils in a small texas town. She is 32....

Ah, yes. I'd suggest putting at least 100 miles between you and her asap and never let her get your credit cards.

If you must hang out, get drunk together, then go pick up guys. That can be fun...

 

[briochick]

I can give you the shadow of this experience. I'm INTJ; my sister is ESTJ. She's never liked the word "Why?" in her entire life. I'm convinced that if the OED tossed it out of the dictionary she wouldn't miss it.

Different worlds is right; in this case, she views ME as morally compromised, and I think she's staggeringly uptight. Stop and marvel for a minute at ME thinking ANYONE else is uptight, and you'll get a picture of just how regimented and unquestioning her life is.

OTOH, she may have a point about my moral ambiguity.

We get along much better living 2000 miles apart. You seem to view your sister as flighty but sensitive; she probably views you as stodgy but sensitive. I view my sister as narrow-minded but logical; she probably views me as immoral but logical. Does that make sense?

Yes, it does. And, yes, she probably does. 2000 miles huh? Opposite sides of the country or different continents? Oddly, when I'm away she says she misses me sooooooo much.

oh, heh, I have an ESFP sister. Yes, all of the above was very familiar growing up.

She just broke up her best friend from May's marriage using myspace comments about the lady wanting to have an affair with her other new best friend's husband. It stared over children stealing pencils in a small texas town. She is 32....

Ah, yes. I'd suggest putting at least 100 miles between you and her asap and never let her get your credit cards.

If you must hang out, get drunk together, then go pick up guys. That can be fun...

Your sister.

Ironically, my sister doesn't drink, and I don't go pick up guys (->virgin<-). Thanks for the suggestion though. Perhaps I should just move...

 

[sculpting]

moving would work. Also isolate your space from her. Find your own religion/hobby/class/activity and then use it as an excuse to not engage when she invites you or date the guys she introduces you to.

Dont even bother engaging with the "you are a snob/elitist/know-it-all" arguments. Also dont criticize her or try and give her advice. She wont listen and it will precipitate an argument. Dont argue about her food choices. Ideally just dont express any opinions and agree with her blandly and then move on and do your own thing. She is looking for, and is, highly sensitive to your critique.

Be wary of emotional manipulation. I grew up with an ESFP brother and sister and an ENFP mom. It teaches a young ENFP to develop a strong Te very early on. Otherwise they will try and use their emotional pain due to their poor choices to make you feel bad and help them. They will use their Fi to "pluck" your Fi. It hurts to ignore but you cant be responsible for cleaning up after another's poor choices, especially when you try and advise before the fact. You learn to be very wary of who you trust Fi to, but as an INFP you are likely already pretty good at protecting it.

good luck.

 

[briochick]

Happy Puppy; Wow. sounds like you have some experience in all this. Thank you for all the suggestions.

 

[Laurie]

See, my ESFP sister grew up. She is 30 now and is responsible. At 18 she was still floundering.

Sky has it right, just look at what she does better than other people. The "friends all the time" IS a strength of hers. Some of the stuff you are judging her for really isn't fair.

I try to ask her about her friends but she doesn't know anything *about* them. Maybe where they live or who they're dating, what they did last week, or a food they like. But what they think, what they fear, what they believe and hope for, what they resent. Nope.

This isn't a bad thing, it's just different from you. It is nice to have friends who just accept you for who you are and have fun with you. Her friends treasure her for that, not for being an in depth thinker (although she might be, or might develop it)

She also keeps trying to hook me up with losers (well, he graduated high school, and he's worked at Taco Bell for six months, *and* his parole is almost up. He even believes in God. You should meet him). Maybe I'd rather be single.

Tell her you are not interested in being set up with anyone. Ever. If you have complained about not having a bf she is just trying to help you out, probably.

It's like we speak different freaking languages. Anything I think is an appropriate topic of conversation she thinks is snobby and dogmatic and a waste of time, and what she considers good topics of conversation usually result in me staring open mouthed because of it's a. inanity, or b. sheer moral apathy.

You really just need to listen to her when she talks the "stupid" stuff and turn off the "deep" stuff. This is a good test for you to learn how to deal with people who are extremely different from you. Take it as such.

Basically, with my sister I don't tell her the "why" of things. I can tell her my conclusion on a deeper subject I was thinking about, but not the detailed here and there thoughts that I got there with. But I do have friends (and my mom, who is ESFP and is just older) can listen to it and understand it a little better. You need to also work at not judging her for who she is. The "moral" and "inanity" are your thoughts, not a fault of hers.

As an INFP I see this as a great chance to learn to reach outside of your comfort zone, your "moral" zone and your "I'm better than" zone. Take your opportunity! (which I think you are, by even posting about it and listening)

 

[Nigel Tufnel]

I have an ESFJ sister and we had some of these issues growing up. She's never ever read a non-fiction book that wasn't assigned to her as part of a class, I'm almost always reading some kind of history or science book. By college, I realized there was no point in trying to make her more curious intellectually, so I stopped picking on her for being a simple airhead, while she stopped asking what reading about Benjamin Franklin was "going to do for me". Guess I'm repeating some of the earlier posts about not pointing out each other's flaws - nothing productive will come of it.

I guess you can say we disengaged in many respects, but what held things together was I got her into parties when she was younger, and we both follow pro sports. Not a close or deep connection, but I've figured out how to tolerate her a lot more than when we lived in the same house.

 

[CzeCze]

Family is the opportunity to understand and get along with people that you would normally never ever ever associaet with.

It's not going to be possible for you to totally "fix" this situation without your sister flexing. Also, it sounds like her age is compounding the situation, you're also the older sister so she may feel like you are picking on her or not doing your sisterly duty of being all warm and fuzzy with her.

I think I know two ESFX women (they are both aestheticians who own their own spas) they are both very bubbly but they get offended much more easily and count what you might consider "superficial" or even "meaningless" social interaction to be important. I'm going to guess that she is reading your reactions and questions to her as you basically bothering her unecessarily.

I don't have any ESFPs relatives but I would take the advice of another poster here and just ease up trying to understand her or help her the way that you have. Just accept her at face value and tag along to something you know she does like. If you both eat fast food and she makes those comments, just commiserate with her or smile. I'm thinking also being 18 she's probably kinda a whirlwind of hormones and all that and extra sensitive.

For myself, I keep things civil now with my brother who is INTP. I mostly ignore him and hold my tongue and keep things polite and that works. You can still get something out of that. He is much better now than he was in his late teens.

 

[JustHer]

It sounds like the Se your sister uses is very much like my sister's, highly people oriented, not as much physical. She (ESTP) is an extremely high extrovert, and her best state is when she is in a room full of her friends talk about everything and nothing, and just laughing and enjoying the moment. It took me a while to appreciate that as a strength, and I am actually extremely jealous of her ability to live her life like that.

It used to also kill me that she was so disinterested in all the things I found important in life, like learning new things and discussing theoretical ideas and putting careful thought into her actions and (this is a Te thing) striving to achieve more in life.

Your sister probably feels like you are the one missing out on what's important. An ESFP friend once told me he feels like everyone is missing out on life by constantly being too preoccupied to appreciate what is happening right before their eyes. You just have to realize that her ability to do that is just as much a strength as anything.