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  1. #1
    my floof is luxury Wind Up Rex's Avatar
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    Default Sorting out Relationship Issues with Male INFP

    So the last couple months I've been in a relationship with a really neat INFP guy. He's brilliant, incredibly sweet and scarily intelligent among other things. I'm really into him, but lately there have been some aspects of our relationship that havent sat well with me.

    My issue, which has become more apparent as the relationship has gone on is kind of a two-fold thing. On the one hand, while he's without question the more emotionally attuned of the two of us, getting him to actually talk about what he feels--especially when it's clear he's upset about something--is difficult. I can usually tell he's mad at me because he starts picking at me more, and any attempts to "fix" a problem just seem to make things worse. Direct discussion about an issue just makes him agree with me so that the perceived "confrontation" will end, which isnt really helpful either.

    The second problem has cropped up lately relates to the sharing of responsibilities within the relationship. Bluntly, (apologies to NF sensibilities) the guy's getting increasingly needy. I find myself cleaning up after him, paying more and more when we go out and generally put into a kind of "mothering" role that I'm not comfortable with. I'm starting to resent him for it, and I hate talking about money so I dont even know how to bring it up. And even if I did, I worry a lot about how he would take it, because he can't deal with me when I'm angry about something.

    I wanna work things out, but I think I'm nearing the point where I just want to say "Fuck it", shelve the whole thing and see if we just work out better as friends. Id be really appreciative of any insights on this.
    And so long as you haven’t experienced this: to die and so to grow,
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  2. #2
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    Sounds like he hasn't been used and abused enough by previous girlfriends, IMO. However, the not talking thing may be from feeling he's going to get pounced on in the wrong way (as irrational or rational as that may be since I don't know the full dynamic between you).
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

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  3. #3
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    This thread has interesting thoughts on INFPs in relationships:
    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...your-infx.html

    Otherwise, I'll let the male INFPs answer this.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  4. #4
    Pose! Salt n' pepper's Avatar
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    IME, and this is with INFP women, they will crawl out of their "emotional shell" when they feel like it. They usually need some time alone to feel things out and come to terms with what went wrong and how they feel about it and you. What I've experienced is that they will likely act as if nothing has happened in the first place, or just mention it briefly.

    When I call my INFP friend out, she denies being mad, sad or whatever, acts fine. Even though it's clear she's not, (cause I know exactly what I did to upset her) or she'll be very hard to "work with". But after a day or three, she'll admit to being mad and she'll say why and we move on with our day.

    Could you handle that in a romantic relationship?

    Regarding the needy thing, I guess I'd try some honesty and see how that goes.

  5. #5
    my floof is luxury Wind Up Rex's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Salt n' pepper View Post
    When I call my INFP friend out, she denies being mad, sad or whatever, acts fine. Even though it's clear she's not, (cause I know exactly what I did to upset her) or she'll be very hard to "work with". But after a day or three, she'll admit to being mad and she'll say why and we move on with our day.

    Could you handle that in a romantic relationship?


    Regarding the needy thing, I guess I'd try some honesty and see how that goes.
    Evidently with some difficulty. Space has been an issue for us as well I think. We spend a lot of time together, and it's almost like he thinks that if he opts for personal time to work things out its tantamount to saying "There's a problem" which is what he was avoiding in the first place. Any suggestion I make is met with denial that there was an issue to begin with. Honesty is how I'd generally go about it, but I just don't know how it would land. I'm not as bad as I used to be, but I still feel out of my depth when dealing with people I know are little more easily hurt.



    Quote Originally Posted by runvardh View Post
    Sounds like he hasn't been used and abused enough by previous girlfriends, IMO. However, the not talking thing may be from feeling he's going to get pounced on in the wrong way (as irrational or rational as that may be since I don't know the full dynamic between you).
    I don't understand what you mean here. Also, I don't appreciate the assumption that I would "pounce" on him about anything. Asking someone "What's wrong?" if theyre clearly in a shitty mood is generally to par in most places.


    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    This thread has interesting thoughts on INFPs in relationships:
    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...your-infx.html

    Otherwise, I'll let the male INFPs answer this.
    Thanks for the link, Orange.
    And so long as you haven’t experienced this: to die and so to grow,
    you are only a troubled guest on the dark earth

  6. #6
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wind-up Rex View Post
    I don't understand what you mean here. Also, I don't appreciate the assumption that I would "pounce" on him about anything. Asking someone "What's wrong?" if theyre clearly in a shitty mood is generally to par in most places.
    What you bolded is me round about saying he needs to learn how to appreciate what he's getting and help the fuck out. The remainder has nothing to do with what you WILL do and everything to do with what he may be AFRAID you may do. Again, I did state that I don't have the clearest picture of the dynamic between you two so I could be way the fuck out in left field.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

    INFP, 6w7, IEI

    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  7. #7
    my floof is luxury Wind Up Rex's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by runvardh View Post
    What you bolded is me round about saying he needs to learn how to appreciate what he's getting and help the fuck out. The remainder has nothing to do with what you WILL do and everything to do with what he may be AFRAID you may do. Again, I did state that I don't have the clearest picture of the dynamic between you two so I could be way the fuck out in left field.
    Hmm. Rereading the OP I can see how you got that. Admittedly, we had a disagreement yesterday night and I was partially venting about that. Should have thought more about how it would come off.

    That said, on a certain level youre right on about my expectations. I feel like there's a lot things that I do for him that he either doesn't notice or just kind of takes for granted. And It's like an affront when I expect him to do anything. This isnt a threat: I just don't want to be his doormat anymore than I want him to be mine.

    I'm sensing some fundamental difference in perspective from the way you reacted to my post. Would you care to explain a bit more, runvardh?
    And so long as you haven’t experienced this: to die and so to grow,
    you are only a troubled guest on the dark earth

  8. #8
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wind-up Rex View Post
    Hmm. Rereading the OP I can see how you got that. Admittedly, we had a disagreement yesterday night and I was partially venting about that. Should have thought more about how it would come off.
    Ah, conflict avoidance kicking in already on his part. Honestly I don't see an issue with how you communicated it, though it's possible I read into it some residual intensity that you may not have meant to be there. We are quite conflict avoidant and it can get stupidly passive aggressive at it's worst; something that explodes in the end. Even if we don't just hold it in, our thought process does not function on talking. We actually need to close our mouths, hear one side, then process. If you go after the data while we're still processing you'll only piss us off more. That said, it requires a certain level of maturity for us to actually want to resolve it after thinking it through and even more to ask for the time to do it (the last is something I'm still working on). Then there's the possibility that you in a heightened emotional state could be perceived as a scary thing and not actually willing to listen to what he has to say. Gotta love perceptions...

    That said, on a certain level youre right on about my expectations. I feel like there's a lot things that I do for him that he either doesn't notice or just kind of takes for granted. And It's like an affront when I expect him to do anything. This isnt a threat: I just don't want to be his doormat anymore than I want him to be mine.
    Perfectly understandable. I've been someone's doormat before and it fucking sucks. I refuse to date someone who will do that to me and I refuse to do that to someone else. Sometimes though, people need their ass walked on to see how good they have it when someone cooperates with them. It's a sore spot, it makes me want to smack perpetrators silly.

    I'm sensing some fundamental difference in perspective from the way you reacted to my post. Would you care to explain a bit more, runvardh?
    Well, hopefully what I've said now helps some. I'm more developed than most INFPs in some ways, but dreadfully behind in others. Another thing that may bring perspective is how old this guy is.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

    INFP, 6w7, IEI

    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  9. #9
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wind-up Rex View Post
    My issue, which has become more apparent as the relationship has gone on is kind of a two-fold thing. On the one hand, while he's without question the more emotionally attuned of the two of us, getting him to actually talk about what he feels--especially when it's clear he's upset about something--is difficult. I can usually tell he's mad at me because he starts picking at me more, and any attempts to "fix" a problem just seem to make things worse. Direct discussion about an issue just makes him agree with me so that the perceived "confrontation" will end, which isnt really helpful either.
    I'm also currently with an INFP, and this is definitely one of the issues we have. One thing I learned is that when he's not ready to talk about it, he's not ready to talk about it. For us, every time we fight, we need some time alone to process things -- usually a couple of hours -- before we can finally bring up the issue. Also, what seems to work best is for me to ask how he feels about the problem, and while he is processing that question, tell him what I think and how I feel. Logic doesn't work at all, but pointing out how I see things from a different perspective helps, and he seems to be very open to hearing my point of view. Of course, I have to be very sure that I know where I stand and that I'm absolutely not angry anymore before attempting this, because otherwise we would end up more mad at each other. The make-up session is always very emotional and awesome, though

    Quote Originally Posted by Wind-up Rex View Post
    The second problem has cropped up lately relates to the sharing of responsibilities within the relationship. Bluntly, (apologies to NF sensibilities) the guy's getting increasingly needy. I find myself cleaning up after him, paying more and more when we go out and generally put into a kind of "mothering" role that I'm not comfortable with. I'm starting to resent him for it, and I hate talking about money so I dont even know how to bring it up. And even if I did, I worry a lot about how he would take it, because he can't deal with me when I'm angry about something.
    At the beginning of my relationship I was surprised that my INFP did not insist on paying for stuff, or even splitting the bill. Then I learned that he was not doing it on purpose. He just did not think money was an issue. Because when he does pay for stuff, he pays without even thinking. And when he wants to buy me something or do something for me, he just does it. It seems to be all based on what he is feeling at the moment. In a way I'm glad I never brought up the issue, because there seems to be something very pure about his actions, and I really don't want to taint it with set codes of conduct.

    Well, of course, but if your guy is just being cheap and immature, then I would say get out of it as soon as possible!

  10. #10
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    At the beginning of my relationship I was surprised that my INFP did not insist on paying for stuff, or even splitting the bill. Then I learned that he was not doing it on purpose. He just did not think money was an issue. Because when he does pay for stuff, he pays without even thinking. And when he wants to buy me something or do something for me, he just does it. It seems to be all based on what he is feeling at the moment. In a way I'm glad I never brought up the issue, because there seems to be something very pure about his actions, and I really don't want to taint it with set codes of conduct.

    Well, of course, but if your guy is just being cheap and immature, then I would say get out of it as soon as possible!

    I went on a date once with an INFP, possibly the only INFP male I've ever known IRL, and he acted the same way. It was a big turn off for me though, especially considering other circumstances I won't go into.

    Anyway, the whole not paying on dates and obliviousness to money "etiquette" seems to be a reoccurring theme for INFP males. Maybe it's just coincidence and not type related though. I personally feel bad to let someone pay all the time, and definitely never expect someone to pay. I never want to come off like I'm taking advantage of someone, and I value generosity. I might just be more aware of social expectations in that one aspect though.



    To the OP: About the picking up clothes thing....INFPs can be messy because we're absent-minded about practical things like chores. Many of us are all too happy to let someone else do it for us, so as long as you do it, he'll probably not lift a finger. Don't nag him to do it though, because INFPs generally don't like authority figures, and becoming one may leave a sour taste in his mouth. I'm sure he doesn't want a mom figure, and that's probably the biggest danger an ENTJ has in a relationship with an INFP, IMO.

    If you want him to clean up after himself, then appeal to his perfectionist side and his care for your feelings, and praise him a lot when he makes any effort. You will also have to accept that most INFPs will never be as neat and organized as an ENTJ - it's simply not our way. There are exceptions of course, but that's probably ingrained from childhood from an SJ parent. I had an SJ mom and cannot imagine what a slob I'd be if I didn't (I struggle to keep my living space neat & organized).
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

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