[Si] Is this normal?

[enfp1091]

Since I was in secondary school, I have had problems wondering if people really like me or not. Every year, I know a bunch of guys and girls and I start relating to them, but then all from a sudden they stop having interest on me. I ask them if something's wrong, but they would tell me everything's fine. They don't ask me to hang out, they don't include me in their group, and once I try to get close to them, I feel they don't like it, like if they wanted to avoid me. Nowdays, I'm a high school senior and I now I left the group I used to join at school. They used to tell me jokes like ''go away'' or they just closed the circle so I couldn't join. Now, I sit alone at recess and I fake doing homeworks, and just becuase I feel if I join another group they will end up rejecting me or being mad or ignore me. Have you felt the same before? What did you do? Maybe I'm suffocating them or something.

 

[SillySapienne]

Perhaps.

It seems like you care a bit too much about what your peers think.

Maybe you're an oddball and they just don't get you!

Also, if they're being mean, fuck them, and why would you want their friendship in the first place!

In high school I too spent a lot of time alone, but this was by choice.

High school and adolescence, in general, can be, and often are, really painful experiences.



Do you have any friends?

As in, do you have at least one person whom you love and confide in and vice versa?

 

[BerberElla]

Also, if they're being mean, fuck them, and why would you want their friendship in the first place!

Totally, I can't stand mean group behaviour like that, I used to wipe the floor with anyone in school who tried that crap with me.

Anyone who doesn't value your freindship, doesn't deserve it, no matter how alone you sometimes feel, that will pass because believe me there are people out there who will get you, love you and hang with you always, just not those twats from the sound of it.

 

[Amargith]

Sounds familiar...I remember high school like that. And it's not easy when you are a social creature to be excluded that way. I personally also stayed away from them, but I often felt lonely. After a while though, I befriended people from other years and classes, here and there and we made our own group

Don't give up
Also, why don't you do your homework during those times..that's what I did. that way, no work at home, and more free time to go do things you enjoy and also meet friends through those activities

 

[Southern Kross]

High school is a shitty time in life. I had 'friends' that I in no way related to (some even used to tease me) but, as you probably well know, its not easy to move on to other groups. The accepted standard of behaviour at this period is extremely narrow and some people are simply unable to fit into it. Most of the people around you aren't being themselves anyway - they're desperately trying to keep a hold on their social position, fearing they will make some faux pas - you might simply be the easiest target to attack in order for them to feel big and important.

I hate to say this (because it doesn't give much in the way of solace) but try your best not to take it to heart. This isn't the real world - the real world has more space for difference. Try to make the best out of the situation and wait for the silliness to be over. Pursue hobbies, sports, interests and join clubs (the sort of things that are readily available in high school) and have fun in spite of them. Don't let their behaviour rule you and don't give them power over you - they don't deserve it.

Like others have said, don't waste you time on people like that. They're not worth the effort.

 

[ilovelurking]

What the others have said!

It is best when you are true to yourself.

What are your hobbies? You can start off with that. By my experience, I lurrrrve movies and I end up being friends with people who love movies. After some time you'll notice in that circle of friends you have, a few people share more common interests as you do. Your circle of friends is very likely to expand when they introduce their other friends to you.

So, no worries about not having anyone in school to hangout with you etc. Take your time. You'd rather be friends with people who accept you for who you are and most importantly you accepting yourself.

 

[jenocyde]

I know this probably isn't as encouraging as all the other comments you've been getting, but I noticed that this seems to be a recurring pattern in your life. This is happening pretty much every year, right?

I love my ENFP friends, but it's true that I do feel smothered by them very often. You can either find people (in interests groups, online...) who are more like yourself or you can adapt your behavior slightly to become more palatable. If it's the latter, maybe you can pick off one of nicer people off the bunch and have a heart to heart about what is really going on. I think it's better to confront the issue rather than become more and more paranoid and clingy, which can happen quite easily, becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you choose to ask someone honestly about why people are shunning you, be prepared to hear the truth and be prepared to listen to it. Nothing is more irritating that someone who asks an honest question and gets angry at the honest response.

I'm sure you are a wonderful person but I know very well that sometimes not everyone will appreciate your style of behavior. As a female ENTP, it's been a struggle for me, too - just in different ways. Good luck.

 

[Moiety]

I agree with Jenocyde to an extent. At the end of the day it's all about - does the group have anything to offer you? If not, why do you want to be a part of it?

As an ENFP we want, and pride ourselves on being able to, to relate to almost everyone, but the truth of the matter is that is neither necessary nor advisable. Just pick the people you feel deserve the HONOR (yeah, being arrogant or conceited or big ego has its perks) to be with you. And don't ever get mad at those who don't deserve it. It's not their fault they are subpar. And you are sending the wrong message by giving them any importance too.

 

[sculpting]

Yes I think this is normal for an enfp.

Notice the common thread in the ENFP answers-

1. I was alone in high school or felt very lonely (a lack of Fi connectivities and lack of learned Fe interaction skills)
2. Fuck them if they dont want to be your friend (a Te defense mechanism)
3. Be independent or choose to be alone, rather than deal with what amounts to rejection. (an INFJ shadow to build the ultimate Fe doorslam)

We end up choosing to be alone rather than being hurt by having our core-our Fi-rejected.

In first grade it was noted that I was very talkative and friendly and did not understand the concept of other's space. By third grade I was no longer speaking to other kids. I could not understand how to relate to them and it hurt so much to be rejected that I chose to be alone instead. I had no friends-except for the other occasional social reject until my 10th grade when the intps found me. I read books and eventually worked at a stable rather than have friends.

As an ENFP we have this inner brilliant core of affection, emotion, caring, warmth, even devotion that seems to be the way Fi processes emotion. It is above all authentic and overwhelming at times. As Ne dominants we dump that outwards into our world. However most people dont want it honestly. It is like being emo solar flared. Even our enthusiasm, our gestures, our facial expressions all can overwhelm others. We violate not just their personal space but their emotional space.

Fe seems to set up very distinct emotional boundaries based upon social acceptance of the other party. We annialiate those boundaries because we never see them. Then we are pushed outside of the boundaries and excluded-thus rejected due to what defines us.

Suggestions:
1. Find the other dorky people-the social misfits at your school. Likely they are INTPs, other ENFPs, and so on. You will naturally fit it better there

2. Recognize that you are unique, you are beautiful, but that you will not always be accepted. It wont take long to identify those who you overstep with-mostly ESTPs and ESFPs at your age. They are very sensitive to social expectations, thus will reject you more quickly if you are odd. Avoid trying to be friends with them-later in life this will change but for now, dont bother.

3. On the inside-always be true to yourself-however externally learn moderation in speech, gestures, expressions. This is hard as ENFPs will choose extremes-either complete connection with Fi or utter isolation with Fe walls. Try to find a middle ground-learned Fe basically. Menatlly picture smoothing your outward appearence to about a four foot radius around you. Like a shower curtain barrier. Inside of you, be real. In that four feet, be calm and collected, composed, but refined and precise. even robotic. Only people you really, really trust get to come inside the four feet radius. Others have to stay out until they earn your trust.

This sounds totally crazy but it will allow you to fit a little better.

College will be much better as there you will have more freedom to find your own social group and find others who think more like you.

 

[Drezoryx]

don't worry about rejection, its just a game, explore the different groups without expecting much. if it clicks great but don't try to conform to such an extent that you compromise your self respect and bend too much.

 

[sculpting]

also-I forgot-try and find somewhere to volunteer outside of school. ENFPs are biologically designed to give and care for others. Try and find a place to do this and it will allow your Fi to be used productively

 

[Queen Kat]

I know that experience! I guess most of the time they're just uncomfortable with your Ne or something. At least, that's what the problem was with me. So after a while I decided to leave them. At first it didn't feel good and I felt like I HAD to join another group, but after I saw that there was no point in always needing to belong to a specific group of people, I became a proud loner. I feel like people respect me more after that decision.

 

[scortia]

High school is a shitty time in life. I had 'friends' that I in no way related to (some even used to tease me) but, as you probably well know, its not easy to move on to other groups.

I can completely relate to this. But there's a difference between teasing and just being jerks. My friends used to joke that I was an invisible watch and pretended I wasn't there and would steal my water bottle on a regular basis. I was cool with it because I knew it was because I encouraged their behavior. I knew I could take the teasing without letting it get underneath my skin, unlike most of my friends. So I sort of took their teasing for them, which was cool. And now, we're all grown up and they don't do that sort of thing anymore because it's a teen phase afterall.

I'd say if they feel like real friends, don't let it bother you. But if they seem too cruel to be true friends, then to hell with them.

 

[Lady_X]

Yes I think this is normal for an enfp.

Notice the common thread in the ENFP answers-

1. I was alone in high school or felt very lonely (a lack of Fi connectivities and lack of learned Fe interaction skills)
2. Fuck them if they dont want to be your friend (a Te defense mechanism)
3. Be independent or choose to be alone, rather than deal with what amounts to rejection. (an INFJ shadow to build the ultimate Fe doorslam)

We end up choosing to be alone rather than being hurt by having our core-our Fi-rejected.

In first grade it was noted that I was very talkative and friendly and did not understand the concept of other's space. By third grade I was no longer speaking to other kids. I could not understand how to relate to them and it hurt so much to be rejected that I chose to be alone instead. I had no friends-except for the other occasional social reject until my 10th grade when the intps found me. I read books and eventually worked at a stable rather than have friends.

As an ENFP we have this inner brilliant core of affection, emotion, caring, warmth, even devotion that seems to be the way Fi processes emotion. It is above all authentic and overwhelming at times. As Ne dominants we dump that outwards into our world. However most people dont want it honestly. It is like being emo solar flared. Even our enthusiasm, our gestures, our facial expressions all can overwhelm others. We violate not just their personal space but their emotional space.

Fe seems to set up very distinct emotional boundaries based upon social acceptance of the other party. We annialiate those boundaries because we never see them. Then we are pushed outside of the boundaries and excluded-thus rejected due to what defines us.

Suggestions:
1. Find the other dorky people-the social misfits at your school. Likely they are INTPs, other ENFPs, and so on. You will naturally fit it better there

2. Recognize that you are unique, you are beautiful, but that you will not always be accepted. It wont take long to identify those who you overstep with-mostly ESTPs and ESFPs at your age. They are very sensitive to social expectations, thus will reject you more quickly if you are odd. Avoid trying to be friends with them-later in life this will change but for now, dont bother.

3. On the inside-always be true to yourself-however externally learn moderation in speech, gestures, expressions. This is hard as ENFPs will choose extremes-either complete connection with Fi or utter isolation with Fe walls. Try to find a middle ground-learned Fe basically. Menatlly picture smoothing your outward appearence to about a four foot radius around you. Like a shower curtain barrier. Inside of you, be real. In that four feet, be calm and collected, composed, but refined and precise. even robotic. Only people you really, really trust get to come inside the four feet radius. Others have to stay out until they earn your trust.

This sounds totally crazy but it will allow you to fit a little better.

College will be much better as there you will have more freedom to find your own social group and find others who think more like you.

whoa...that was weird to read. i don't even know what this thread is about...i'll have to back up but yeah i know all about that...but is it healthy? i guess it is...just as long as you have some people you allow in there....hmm.

 

[Cranky]

Oh, honey. I was that kid too.

I was (sort of) saved by the fact that I found misfits too. I absolutely promise you that there is some group on your campus that is full of misfits. Frequently, it's the drama club, speech club, math club, music club...whatever. There WILL be people who have banded together...just so they have someone to be weird with.

Honestly, I'm still not thrilled about some of the stuff that happened in high school, and I've had a decade and then some to get over it. But, I figure you'd rather hear honesty than pointless cheerleading.

If you have any talent whatsoever...music, costuming, cooking, training crickets, whatever...go find the people who do that thing, or start your own. That's what Meetup and Craigslist is for. (But stay away from the naughty bits on Craigslist!!)

If you like to game, or collect comics, or you're an otaku, there are LOTS of weirdos, just like you. I'm one ;-)

Those were the experiences that I remember now as being fun, and the people that I still talk to.