[INFJ] INFJs, do you feel others need your approval?

[OrangeAppled]

Whenever someone hurts me, emotionally, by disregarding, ignoring, ridiculing, patronizing, etc. what I have to say or my behavior, I withdraw from them. I push them a way, at least for the moment. But I feel like when I do, they do whatever they can to regain my acknowledgment of them- almost in a needy, overly attached way. They cling on to me and become even clingier when I don�t want to be around them. It�s almost as if I am the one who decides whether they are a good person or not; whether or not they can like themselves.

The bolded is why...you have them on eggshells. They don't value you & your opinion more than others necessarily, they simply fear being cut off or criticized more, as others are less likely to do that.

You just need to communicate that when you have a critical attitude or withdraw in response to hearing something you don't like that it's not a final judgment. Right now, they take it seriously because it seems very serious. The package it comes in seems a lot more rigid and immovable than it really is.


My INFJ certainly fits this. Especially does his initial demeanor with people appear critical. He frequently is accused of being a snob, and has the dubious honor of having affectionate nicknames from his friends bestowed upon him involving phrases like "Nazi". In other words, he has a rep for being a bit of a control freak, for having very high & seemingly rigid standards, and of expecting people to accommodate his preferences.

The reality is, he's a lot more flexible and forgiving than he appears, and he's definitely eager to serve others & please them. Until people realize this, they often check in with him regarding things so as to avoid his critical eye. Frankly, it's less about respecting his opinion so much as shutting him up & keeping life pleasant.

A major related flaw is that he complains about all he does for people, and that he doesn't get the same in return (such a tired FJ complaint), but he fails to recognize and comment on things other do for him. Even if someone does not do something to your liking, you can recognize their effort, their motive, the message of care they're communicating. If you do this (and hold back on nitpicky criticism), then people are more likely to do for you. Otherwise, they will just be discouraged, thinking you're impossible to please (and rather whiny also).

What's funny is, I have yet to meet one INFJ who can take the same criticism in return. They hit the ceiling when they get that treatment in return. They want to be praised & acknowledged, etc, and they can't fathom that they get it wrong sometimes. They don't seem to realize how much people say "good job" when it was not exactly to their personal preferences, but they are mainly commenting on the effort. It may be a Fe thing to not recognize the very personal aspect of some preferences, as they can see things in terms of standards regarding values. Some effort to recognize that different ways from your own are not inferior is useful in tempering criticism.

they don't see us as superior so much as bitchy, difficult, needlessly fickle, and borderline bastardly. we are just really fucking judgy sometimes. stand-offish or distant are right on the money, conceit too.

my mom tries to please me on t'giving bc i am really food critical and want everything to be right/done properly. i don't realize why she's stressed but it's solely bc she wants to make me feel happy and for her to feel proud + grateful for her family. me being this way is needlessly stressful for her bc she has no ability to predict what i want and why i am so perfectionistic in the kitchen (and most everywhere i am actually invested).

most of the people close to me have sacrificed, at times, to stroke my ego or go out of their respective ways to force me to trust them. dealt with me sensitively and put up with me being judgy and a little push-pull. i am soooo grateful and owe them so much for it, for freeing me from my shell, expanding my perspective, and helping release me from the awful gravity of my interior.

This sounds so much like my INFJ ...he's soooo picky about food (not just quality; he hates most veggies) and thinks he's the only person in the world who knows how to cook. I'm mildly irritated by this attitude, because sometimes he whines about being the one to cook all the time, but I'm always happy to cook, he's just not happy to eat my food. He also only likes a restaurant if it's his choice....
This especially annoys me as my ISFJ mom still kills his cooking, and when I make her recipes I KNOW they are good, and I KNOW I have a discerning palette (and a much wider one). I've even been embarrassed a few times at friend's dinner parties where he won't eat something or he even corrects the hostess' cooking method. It's just RUDE... Then he wonders why people think he's a snob & hard to please.....They ask him for advice or heed his input to appease him, not because they highly regard his opinion....

What I'm wondering is how much of this stems from feeling threatened.....INFJs, do you feel threatened when someone is or is treated as much of an authority on something as you? Or in other words, when they don't need your input? The real question may be: Do you need others to need your approval?