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  1. #1
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    Default How do you get an INFJ to trust you?

    I was always wondering - if INFJs are often sometimes removed from people that they're not close to and don't deeply trust, how do you get become part of their inner circle, and get them to trust you. This is hard especially if they already have an inner circle. Sometimes, they also try and "save" you, and that's also very detrimental to relationship building in my opinion.

    How do you get their attention, get past the initial awkwardness if there is any, become someone that they like, and deepen the relationship?

    I've done it before, but it always takes a huge amount of effort, a lot of initial rejection, then a really really awkward phase, after which comes a really long period of light friendship, before finally we become close friends. This process can take years. So I must be doing something wrong.

  2. #2
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    • Consistency
    • Open-mindedness
    • Willingness to explore emotions
    • Light on the criticism
    • Being attentive/listening
    • Time
    • Consistency
    • Willingness to commit
    • Respect
    • Being present
    • Encouraging growth of the INFJ


    Consistency can't be stressed enough.

  3. #3
    Junior Member Carnallace's Avatar
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    I can't speak for all INFJs, but for me, trust comes form respect and a tried-understanding.
    An INFJs awkwardness is mostly fear. Because of the fear of rejection an INFJ won't reach out to you unless you reach out first.
    Let the INFJ into your thoughts, past, feelings, problems, issues, etc. first without expecting the same back. We're not the most willing to express ourselves full-on without knowing who we're confiding in. If they feel that connection of Ďneedí with you, theyíll grow more comfortable.
    When they do confide something with you, try your best to understand. Even if you canít fathom how they feel or why they think a certain way, learn. As long as we see a true effort and interest to understand, weíll accept your compassion and friendship. We donít expect to be figured out. We donít want to be figured out. We just want respect and attentiveness. Be open to our ideas, interpretations etc. If we see that youíre listening, weíll want to be heard more often.

    Now hereís where things tend to go wrong. Once an INFJ opens him/herself to you, donít disregard how major that is for them, even 10+ years into the relationship. If they tell you something and you reject it or ridicule it, even if nonchalantly, they INFJ will back off for awhile until they can process where youíre coming from with the comment.
    For me, my initial feeling when I donít feel accepted or heard is anger and frustration, but once I think it over, I can forgive the person and understand where theyíre coming from. But I do need time.
    Itís in this time where Iíve found that most people lose my trust. Instead of accepting that I donít want to share my feelings with them for the moment, they push and push and push until I lose respect for them.
    Once I feel betrayed, I can never gain back the same openness with that person. Ever.

    Understand, though, that it takes a lot for that willingness to share a mutual counsel to break down completely.
    INFJs are, after all, an understanding group of people. We realize that emotions often take precedence in conversation, comments, actions, and we are willing to forgive and move forward. Yes, that conflict will always be in the back of our minds, but the relationship weíve built with the person who hurt us will remain intact until weí feel weíre forced to end it, or else end up being hurt far worse.

    If you hurt an INFJ, first try and explain yourself, second give them space to think it over, and if the person still doesnít come around, apologize once more, than let it go. I know I canít stand when a person isnít able to let go. I feel like they depend too much on me and I become afraid that Iíll only let them down. By making your status known to them, (hey, I made a mistake, Iím sorry I hurt you. Iíd really like to continue being friends but I understand that you need some time right nowÖ), feeling sincerely apologetic, and respecting that reserved part of them, theyíll come around, I can almost guarantee it.

    As far as earning the trust, my best advice would be to be real. Donít hide the parts of yourself that you think most people wonít accept. I can always accept a person, no matter what, truly. If you have a problem, let us in. We donít like feeling excluded, especially from someone we care apart. We donít like artificiality in our relationships.
    Embrace our need to help. But don't be afraid to tell us to back off. If you feel like in the past INFJs have tried too forcefully to 'save' you, let them know that you're comfortable where you are and don't really want them to force you into something or someone you're not. If you present your need in a way that doesn't come off as threatening, and maybe even relate it to a way that, that person has felt in the past, we won't be upset by it.

    Again, all INFJs are different, but this is how I feel about trust and relationships. :]

  4. #4
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    ^^^^ THAT!!! Great post, Carnallace.

  5. #5
    Junior Member Carnallace's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sky is BLUE! View Post
    ^^^^ THAT!!! Great post, Carnallace.
    :] haha thank you!

  6. #6
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=Lauren Ashley;875964]
    • Consistency
    • Open-mindedness
    • Willingness to explore emotions
    • Light on the criticism
    • Being attentive/listening
    • Time
    • Consistency
    • Willingness to commit
    • Respect
    • Being present
    • Encouraging growth of the INFJ


    Quote Originally Posted by Carnallace
    As far as earning the trust, my best advice would be to be real. Donít hide the parts of yourself that you think most people wonít accept. I can always accept a person, no matter what, truly. If you have a problem, let us in. We donít like feeling excluded, especially from someone we care apart. We donít like artificiality in our relationships.
    -------------------------------

    I find myself not knowing how to answer this question, because with some people it does take years for the friendship/connection to really deepen and blossom (even though it's clear throughout that time that I am interested in interacting with and prioritizing things with that other person and it slowly deepens as the years go by, and vice versa - i.e. we're both on the same page), but with a rare few I sense an instantaneous mutual understanding/trust, and what might take years with some might take a matter of weeks or months with another.

    -Openness and fluidity of thought, exploration of thoughts, feelings, philosophies ,and any number of things
    -Lack of self-consciousness and lack of 'trying' (i.e. they're not trying to appease me or play into what they think I might like, etc...when that happens, I feel they're trying to force something that's not natural - either forcing elements of themselves that aren't entirely true, or trying to force/bring about a relationship that might not develop of its own accord). I detect no subtle pressure, no prodding, no 'expectation' that they have of the relationship, no preconceived notions of who I am.
    -They're being 100% real, no ulterior motives, and they respect me enough to allow me to share or interact in my own way, in my own time.


    And sometimes I simply might not see myself ever connecting deeply with a person, so I might keep it more cordial/rigid on my end. Perhaps that means I in effect don't trust them, but I dunno...I'm just particular about who I really want to be close to, and it's kind of hard for me to articulate the exact qualities, as I don't know that there are exact qualities. It's the back-and-forth/dynamic itself.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  7. #7
    Badoom~ Skyward's Avatar
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    You're an ENTP, that makes getting us to trust you that little bit harder: 'Yeah, will he stick AROUND after we become friends? What 'side projects' will he have and wont tell me about?'

    That sort of thing, thankfully INFJs let people into the friend zone quickly, but then after that its a steel wall, only passable by being yourself (if by being yourself means being honest, consistent, and respectful.)

    Another thing is that we might be 'busy emotionally' and don't want to take on any more bonds that might just make it worse.

    I skipped a bunch of posts, but I'm real sure the female INFJs have said much better things so far, but really, befriending an INFJ is like befriending a wild animal (Trust me, we can be wild, but maybe not in the Sensor way).
    'Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.' - Marilyn Monroe

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  8. #8
    Senior Member the state i am in's Avatar
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    be interesting, generous, and get super excited during stoned raps. we can sense connection. if it's there, we're really fucking happy. if it's not, we're disappointed and would rather be alone.

    i like enps who are trustable, which just means you obviously both get off on the same shit and value each other's input, perspective, self-understandings, creativity, insight, etc. bc Ne is so freeing for us Ni doms, and bc both Ti and Fi help us understand the inner workings of the inner world of judgment. of personal values. of turning subjective experiences into values that organize internal understanding, DECISION-MAKING, relationship, etc. they help us understand the relationship between how people htink/organize and what they do externally, to make their cuts in the world and remove the refuse.

    there's also the experience of geeks recognizing geeks and freaks recognizing freaks that makes you trust someone. recognition that is deep and intense means that if it is not important to them after the fact, well, they are probably a bad person. or too busy to be a good one. you have to care about someone if you see them completely, recognize their interior, and empathize. everyone has different needs and you can fake them to some degree, but probably not with infjs unless they're super desperate, meek, and unhealthy (which we sometimes are).

  9. #9
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    Make sure that if you act like you care about her, that you care about her unconditionally. Do not act like you care in one situation if the minute everything is not perfect you plan to hightail it out of there. We would prefer if you just didn't care at all, then. This goes alongside of consistency, which was mentioned earlier. If you start out by texting the other person a lot, or calling the other person often, then when you actually get into a serious, comfortable relationship, don't think that you can only call her once a week. We will notice, and it will cause panic in the infj, lol. Just...if you're a low key person and only want contact with this other person once a week, then start out by doing that, from the get-go. Don't create bad surprises, because it'll set off the alarm bells.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Drezoryx's Avatar
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    Persist and be totally honest
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