[ENFP] ENFP's on taking care of themselves

[thinkinjazz]

I am freaking out, the feeling of wanting to jump out of your skin. I am an ENFP- a positive happy and strange type person, but things are not ok. I am in college right now, I graduate in a year and i have not managed to take any classes I enjoy because i don't want to hurt my parents. It's hurting me though and now i think it's too late- the wrong school, the wrong people (not that these are bad people, but they're not as outgoing as at UC Berkeley), and I am not doing what I love and never did even when I wanted to in highschool, even when a part of me knew that was what I needed to be fixed. Don't tell me this is normal, that nothing's wrong, because i am not ok with this, but I don't know what to do about it. I feel like I've lost so much and let so many opportunities slip by. I need help. Why don't I react on what I want? Just because my parents gave me the exact opposite of what I cared about or needed doesn't mean I shouldn't be able to fix this and take care of myself- what's their crime afterall, loving me? They thought they were doing the right thing. I am trying to be independent. I am quitting school after this year. I think that might be better than graduating because I am sick of school and am starting to hate my major- I can still come back and change things this way- everything is all wrong and I want to be fixed I want to live on my terms. i am confused. I think I just want to be a dance teacher. Is there any advice anyone can give me? What does that mean when you know what you want, but don't do it?

*Sorry for being emo; I really am not usually like this.

 

[Little Linguist]

Well at some point, you need to say, "Screw it," and do what you want in life.

I used to be similar, always doing what others expected, not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, thinking of others before myself. I can't explain what happened, except things just CLICKED and I said, "Well, wtf? This is my life - I'm over 18, so to hell with this crap." Now I'm to the point where even if my (well-intentioned) grandmother whines and bitches on the phone wondering when I am going to come back, I just casually say, "I'm building a life here in Germany, and my focus is on that right now." Sure, it still bothers me and I need to vent a bit, but at the end of the day, I do what I feel is right.

Maybe it's a case of maturing and growing up? You sound young.

 

[thinkinjazz]

I'm young (21), but most the things I want to do now are young things and college is not a piece of my life I want to waste. I can stand wasting some of the moments waiting for a slice of pizza.

 

[Charmed Justice]

:hi:+

Ok, so I'm not going to tell you that you're normal. But I will tell you that I can completely relate, and I think you will find that many other ENFPs here can as well.

There are many times that I have known exactly what I wanted, but I didn't go for it or do it because I didn't want to let other people(mainly my family), down. What does it mean? It means you're an ENFP. Seriously, we are driven by an internal value system that is often at odds with itself. We want others to like and be pleased with us, but we also have a deep seated drive towards feeling and being "authentic" and real to ourselves. We can feel obligated to our parents, or to others, who have one thing in mind for us. But we also feel just as strongly obligated to ourselves. Inner turmoil ensures when it seems like the happiness of others depends on us doing one thing, but our own happiness depends on us doing another. The conflict creates anxiety, and a feeling of being "beside" or "outside" of yourself.

Managing the conflict is of course, easier said than done; but I would say, don't waste another minute going against what is true to you. I can give you a long list of consequences that I am currently enduring as a result of carrying on, for years, against what I knew to be best for me, beginning with college.

The best thing that we can do is follow our intuition and trust ourselves. You really do know what's best for you, but sometimes it's hard to trust that when you've spent so much time relying on the judgment, opinions, and guidance of others.

 

[Lady_X]

:hi:+

Ok, so I'm not going to tell you that you're normal. But I will tell you that I can completely relate, and I think you will find that many other ENFPs here can as well.

There are many times that I have known exactly what I wanted, but I didn't go for it or do it because I didn't want to let other people(mainly my family), down. What does it mean? It means you're an ENFP. Seriously, we are driven by an internal value system that is often at odds with itself. We want others to like and be pleased with us, but we also have a deep seated drive towards feeling and being "authentic" and real to ourselves. We can feel obligated to our parents, or to others, who have one thing in mind for us. But we also feel just as strongly obligated to ourselves. Inner turmoil ensures when it seems like the happiness of others depends on us doing one thing, but our own happiness depends on us doing another. The conflict creates anxiety, and a feeling of being "beside" or "outside" of yourself.

Managing the conflict is of course, easier said than done; but I would say, don't waste another minute going against what is true to you. I can give you a long list of consequences that I am currently enduring as a result of carrying on, for years, against what I knew to be best for me, beginning with college.

The best thing that we can do is follow our intuition and trust ourselves. You really do know what's best for you, but sometimes it's hard to trust that when you've spent so much time relying on the judgment, opinions, and guidance of others.

it's true really...inner conflict. it's the worst but do something now so you're not starting from scratch when you're 30....because eventually...you will have to do what makes you happy and everything you do up until that point will be a waste.

 

[Little Linguist]

^^^ Yeah, what they said. It's an easier lesson to learn now than later.

Example: My family always said, "WHaaaaaaat you want to learn German and languages? What do you want to DO with that?!?!!?"

Of course, they wanted me to study something 'useful' like accounting. So what did I do? A compromise. I studied Political Science, which basically allows you to study ANYTHING in post-grad.

Had I listened to my inner voice, I'd be having an easier go with my life right now, though. They accept American teachers at a drop of a hat if they have studied history (what I also considered but dropped because my family was all like arghghghghg), foreign languages (what I wanted to learn anyway), among other things.

If you have a strong voice telling you to do something, there's a reason, and you should listen. And if your family acts like cat shit about it, tell them, "Look, perhaps you do not understand, but this is very important for me. If I do not succeed, I'm fully cognizant of the consequences and I am willing to take that risk."

I mean, hey, who can argue with that???

 

[2XtremeENFP]

I struggle with what I want to do and what society tells me is stupid and not worth trying.

Let me ask you this...
what happens if you don't become a dance teacher? Would you regret leaving school with how you're feeling right now?

 

[Little Linguist]

At some point, you come to terms with the fact that 95% of society is retarded anyway, so there is no point in listening to what 'society' (whatever the hell that is - just a composite of a lot of stupid individuals, so can we expect a 'smart' society, eh not really) says.

 

[2XtremeENFP]

But society ultimately has final say, as awful as that is.
They do the hiring.
They do the schooling.
They are the teachers.
They are the politicians.

We are society. We just don't blend in as well.

 

[Little Linguist]

Pfft who gave you the impression that teachers have a say in anything. Trust me. I'm a teacher.

This week, I've taught an intensive English course where one of the rules (written on several letters) is to speak English at all times. After several attempts at politely encouraging, then being strict, then admonishing pupils, I got loud and said, "If you do not want to speak English, I'm not sure why you are here! If you don't stop speaking German, I'm going to send you to the office and have them call your parents. In the worst case, you'll be picked up and taken home."

Well holy crap in a handbasket, the next morning, parents are going all apeshit crazy, and the first thing I know, the administration is coming to me saying I was loud, rude, and unbelievable in class, according to the parents, that I was unnecessarily strict and they will never, ever send their kids there again.

Fuck a duck, why the hell did they send them to our school then??? For a holiday to get them out of the house? I mean, geez. It wasn't like I screamed at them and called them stupid, lazy sons of --- yeah. (Though I wanted to...I kept my cool). I simply raised my voice and expressed the consequences of continued bad behavior after attempting to do so with encouragement and niceties.

Parents are f-ing stupid nowadays. No wonder why the kids are totally bonkers.

Anyway, point being: Just because you are in a so-called position of authority, it doesn't really give you a hell of a lot more say than anyone else. And those guys who hire you? Well, hell I've landed almost every job (actually, I think every job) I've ever interviewed for.

So I wouldn't worry about it that much. Really. People can tell if you're kissing ass or serious about your intent. These guys know I'm a straight arrow, so they give me the benefit of the doubt and ask me before freaking out and kicking my rear end on the street.

 

[Moiety]

I am freaking out, the feeling of wanting to jump out of your skin. I am an ENFP- a positive happy and strange type person, but things are not ok. I am in college right now, I graduate in a year and i have not managed to take any classes I enjoy because i don't want to hurt my parents. It's hurting me though and now i think it's too late- the wrong school, the wrong people (not that these are bad people, but they're not as outgoing as at UC Berkeley), and I am not doing what I love and never did even when I wanted to in highschool, even when a part of me knew that was what I needed to be fixed. Don't tell me this is normal, that nothing's wrong, because i am not ok with this, but I don't know what to do about it. I feel like I've lost so much and let so many opportunities slip by. I need help. Why don't I react on what I want? Just because my parents gave me the exact opposite of what I cared about or needed doesn't mean I shouldn't be able to fix this and take care of myself- what's their crime afterall, loving me? They thought they were doing the right thing. I am trying to be independent. I am quitting school after this year. I think that might be better than graduating because I am sick of school and am starting to hate my major- I can still come back and change things this way- everything is all wrong and I want to be fixed I want to live on my terms. i am confused. I think I just want to be a dance teacher. Is there any advice anyone can give me? What does that mean when you know what you want, but don't do it?

*Sorry for being emo; I really am not usually like this.

I relate to everything you said man. I'm 23 and dropped out of college last summer for the same exact reasons. Was in a major that would ensure me a well paid job and career in part because I felt I owed it to my parents in a sense. But college experience was completely the opposite of what I expected. Uninteresting people, uninteresting experiences, zero motivation to study for subjects which I was not naturally fond of (or good at, and subjects which required a great deal of discipline).

MBTI helped me as a part of my "soul-searching" trip if you will. I now know myself a lot better and what makes me tick and what doesn't. I discovered the ENVIRONMENT where I'm performing the tasks is VERY important in terms of motivation and overall satisfaction regardless of whether the task is something I'm naturally good at or something I enjoy at all.

If you are lucky enough to know what you are good at and/or what you enjoy doing waste no more time, man, and go look for that.


Still, you might not realize this now, but there will come a point where you will be able to put all those experiences into perspective. When one is down all can seem doom and gloom and worthless specially for ENFPs. But the truth is we are somewhat extreme idealists...other people could often be in the same situation you are and find contentment in that...but we just weren't wired for certain things.

And one of them is obeying Si and "how things should be". Fuck that. And, have a nice life

 

[Little Linguist]

^^^ Oh yeah, crap, I forgot to tie this back to my main thesis, so you're probably all wondering does that have to do with anything.

Assuming I had let them do whatever they want and speak German, you can be damn sure OTHER parents would have called me and complained that I was being too lenient. So at the end of the day, no matter what you do to make people happy, you're not going to make everyone happy. So the best thing to do is go with your gut feeling, do what you think is right, and leave the rest.

 

[Wonkavision]

So at the end of the day, no matter what you do to make people happy, you're not going to make everyone happy. So the best thing to do is go with your gut feeling, do what you think is right, and leave the rest.

+1

Amen to that.

 

[thinkinjazz]

Thanks guys = )

 

[dani_elle]

I feel you. I came from a very strict family with a very good academic background. My dad is a doctor and studied his way outta poverty, my mother studied Mathematics. Not that I don't admire the both of them, I really admire their ability to work so hard and be so disciplined.

But... thats not me! I am a very fickle person and I tend to be drawn towards languages, the arts, etc. ANYTHING that has nothing to do with the fields my parents seemed to want me to go towards. While if I studied hard enough, I could get pretty good results, it made me feel miserable. So yeah, now I'm studying something they probably will consider pretty useless: Communications.

Honestly, I've never had so much fun studying in my life! What used to be a chore becomes joyful when you realize you are kinda suited to it and naturally so. Communications may not be an exact science and it may be more hands on than anything but I'm enjoying it. Although I know the pay for this field is generally not high, I'm loving it nonetheless. Somehow though, even though I followed my heart, I sometimes do get the nagging feeling that whatever I'm studying may very well be "inferior" and hogwash compared to the rest of my family, but this is a choice I took for myself and I'm proud of it.

I have no idea what opportunities there are out there in your country as a drop out (cos where I live, dropping out is pretty much the scariest/most shocking thing anyone can do.) but all can say is: Good luck but do try to have some (semblance) of a plan on how to deal with the consequences.

 

[speculative]

I am freaking out, the feeling of wanting to jump out of your skin. I am an ENFP- a positive happy and strange type person, but things are not ok. I am in college right now, I graduate in a year and i have not managed to take any classes I enjoy because i don't want to hurt my parents. It's hurting me though and now i think it's too late- the wrong school, the wrong people (not that these are bad people, but they're not as outgoing as at UC Berkeley), and I am not doing what I love and never did even when I wanted to in highschool, even when a part of me knew that was what I needed to be fixed. Don't tell me this is normal, that nothing's wrong, because i am not ok with this, but I don't know what to do about it. I feel like I've lost so much and let so many opportunities slip by. I need help. Why don't I react on what I want? Just because my parents gave me the exact opposite of what I cared about or needed doesn't mean I shouldn't be able to fix this and take care of myself- what's their crime afterall, loving me? They thought they were doing the right thing. I am trying to be independent. I am quitting school after this year. I think that might be better than graduating because I am sick of school and am starting to hate my major- I can still come back and change things this way- everything is all wrong and I want to be fixed I want to live on my terms. i am confused. I think I just want to be a dance teacher. Is there any advice anyone can give me? What does that mean when you know what you want, but don't do it?

*Sorry for being emo; I really am not usually like this.

First: breathe & relax.

You don't say what your major is. Would it be possible to stay in school longer and get a double-major in your current major and something else that you'd like to major in? Is this economically feasible? If not, could you get a job and attend college part-time?

 

[Amargith]

Don't know how it works in the US, but I did sorta the same here. I took the 'safe' road in college as my parents told me to plz try and be responsible and live in the real world. I wanted to study either languages or psychology. I was told I was too sensitive for psychology, and had a history of studying languages (Latin- Modern Languages in high school), as well as a family that was pretty good in languages. The choice seemed obvious.

I knew in the beginning of my 3d year that I would never be competent enough, to use it properly (Russian). I however did decide to continue. I had put in all that work, it would've been a shame not to get my Masters. So I continued. It's not that I hated my studies, mind you. I enjoyed learning about languages, but it went on too specialized ( I learned the definition of centrifugal force in Russian, I already despised physicis in Dutch, let alone Russian! :rolli. In my last year, while preparing my thesis, a translation from English, I realized that I'd never translate as I despised the pressure that came with it. I graduated because having a Masters opens doors for you..though not always the doors you'd like.

I went a bit on a quest to find what I'd like to do. At first I caved to the pressure to find a job as 'everyone else'. After a while I decided to go back to my passion: animals. So I got an underpaid job at a veterinary clinic. After that, I had my own business, only to discover that it's worse than having an employer in Belgium. So I quit. Now I find myself working as a secretary at a consultancy agency with psychologists. Life's funny that way. I've also started taking behavioral courses for animals (which includes humans) and am looking into getting my Masters in Psychology through self-study. I just applied for a job as Mediator.

My point is, you might not like what you're doing now very much. But get your degree. You put in all that work, you've earned it. It will open doors for you while you find out what you'd like to do.

Btw, my parents whined like mad and went through hell when I decided not to use the degree I had in the predictable way. But I told them: you always told me to get a good degree and then I could always still try to do what I loved, knowing I had it as a safety net. Don't come bitching now.

Just my two cents.

 

[CzeCze]

I'm young (21), but most the things I want to do now are young things and college is not a piece of my life I want to waste. I can stand wasting some of the moments waiting for a slice of pizza.

Do it now. x100

You have the rest of 20s and 30s to try again and switch course. I guarantee as an ENFP it will kill you to waste time when you know you don't want to be doing something. And furthermore when you know what you want to be doing.

My classmates after college did lots of screwy things that had nothing to do with their BAs. One became a magician in San Francisco (not kidding), another opened a scrap book business, in the states having a BA is the equivalent of having a highschool degree for our grandparents' generation.

Not finding your way until later is not the worst thing in the world (at least you find it, and hopefully have the opportunity to act on it).

You have the knowledge now and the opportunity so I would say go for it. Your parents will get over their initial disappointment.

BTW, you said you want to be a dance instructor? You know you can do that as a 2nd job. Because doing it solo might not be a liveable income. My friend quit her job in finance in SF (which is "hella expensive" as you may know) to become a licensed yoga teacher and then realized she needed to the pay the rent, etc. So she went back to finance but she tries to teach when she can. She teaches at her workplace.

So there are usually compromises involved on the path the happiness but as long as you get there~

So basically, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater either. Study what you want and also what will help support you later. Figure out a way to be practical as well as pursue "impractical" things.

 

[SillySapienne]

I've always secretly wanted to be a dance teacher, too.

Maybe, someday, when I am more self-actualized, I will.

Maybe you will, too.

 

[PeaceRobin]

I know this is very un-ENFPish of me to say, but if you only have one year left finish school, you should definitely do it. It would be a huge mistake not to.. FOLLOW THROUGH! You are still young and as an ENFP you will likely change your mind about what you want to do as a career multiple times over the course of your 20's and maybe your lifetime. It's painful for us ENFPs when our choices and possiblities are limited, especially by mistakes we made in the past. You can still be a dance teacher that has a degree but you will most likely not be able to get another job you decide you want later without this degree, or at least your options will be MUCH more limited to say the least. It would be different if you had some once in a lifetime opportunity waiting at your doorstep but you are still contemplating what you want to do.

Also, most ENFPs your age have the hardest time picking a major and deciding what to study. I definitely had a hard time determining my path and if you go to ENFPtibe.net you will see half of the posts debating college majors or career paths. I know it may seem terrible that your parents pushed you one way but I can almost guarantee that you'd still be internally struggling either way.

Lastly, Berkley has an amazing reputation. Your career options will be wide regardless of your major because of the caliber of the school. After graduation, if you still want to be a dance teacher then pursue it! Right AFTER you graduate is the perfect time to experiment with careers paths. You have a fall back degree but not a career you have been throwing time into for years so you can do whatever you want. Just please graduate from Berkley. You'd could really be hurting yourself in the long run if you didn't.