[NF] Sucking up. How do you feel about it?

[SilkRoad]

I was wondering how NFs feeling about “sucking up” to other people and how this may affect their lives, social lives etc.

I suppose sucking up could mean somewhat different things to different people, so I should explain that what I mean is basically being over-nice, deferential etc to someone who you may not even like that much as a person, but who you think can help you to get ahead in their social circle, etc.

I have a horror of sucking up to people, fishing for invites and all that sort of thing because I also have a horror of looking clingy or pushy and to me that’s exactly what this would accomplish. Of course, it just also seems very false to me and I don’t see the point of being nicey-nice to someone who I don’t really like and who I suspect doesn’t really like me, in the hope that they might be able to somehow help me to “get ahead”.

But I wonder if sometimes I may shoot myself in the foot by taking the opposite non-sucking-up approach to an extreme. Don’t get me wrong, I am pretty sure that I am generally thought to be friendly and cordial with my acquaintances, though probably also somewhat distant with a lot of people. I’ve certainly never heard/observed anything to suggest that people find me unfriendly, rude, etc. I guess the thing that I find frustrating (and I would like to see how other NFs – and others – feel about this) is that sucking up and being pushy seems to be quite productive for a lot of people. They fish for invites, and get invited and become the most popular people around (not that I want to be the most popular person around…well, I have mixed feelings about it!). I never fish for invites, as it just seems so embarrassing and I don’t want to be somewhere if I get the impression people don’t want me there. The very few times in my life when I have kind of fished for an invite or whatever, I have ended up feeling humiliated (whether or not I got the invite!) and certainly very untrue to myself.

But then you end up being the person who everyone more or less likes (or at least doesn’t dislike), but who a lot of people don’t bother with (besides my true close friends, and I do have a few of those). The people who suck up, show up to things uninvited, etc etc, might get bitched about a bit behind their backs, but the tradeoff is that they become highly popular with many and are never lacking for invites (even if they turn half of them down. In my case, if I turn down one invite, that person will often never ask me again – after one refusal! Even if I say something like "sorry, I have a prior commitment/am too busy/too tired this time, but another time would be great" - that's about as pushy as I'm going to get!)

Interested to see what your thoughts are. Sorry if the above is rather rambling, not quite sure where I was going with this!

 

[Phantonym]

No thanks to sucking up. And basically I can relate to everything you said.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

I can relate to your post, SilkRoad. I prefer either honest, authentic expressions of respect or nothing. Once the sucking up starts, then all communication becomes meaningless. I can't see the point especially because I'm okay not socializing that much and being overlooked. If the only way I would be valued or accepted in a given social circle is to pretend and conform, then that acceptance is meaningless. It makes more sense to me to adopt a new pet and form a real connection.

I do try to find something I sincerely like about most any person, and will compliment them on something if it is true and sincere, but that is especially difficult for me in dynamics based on false compliments for social strategy. If I give a compliment it is real and I don't want it seen as fake and ambitious. Then I end up saying nothing.

 

[SilkRoad]

I do try to find something I sincerely like about most any person, and will compliment them on something if it is true and sincere, but that is especially difficult for me in dynamics based on false compliments for social strategy. If I give a compliment it is real and I don't want it seen as fake and ambitious. Then I end up saying nothing.

That is a good approach (looking for something genuinely nice to say). It just keeps things open even if you sense you're unlikely to ever have much of a connection with the person. I don't want to end up seeming superior/too good for other people...which I think is a trap I could fall into.

 

[Lady_X]

can't relate at all...hmmm

i don't recall ever questioning invites or being nice...or too nice...or not nice enough to people...i probably do the inviting as often as i'm invited...hmm

anyway can't relate...but all you can do is be yourself right? try to invite people to do stuff too and say yes when you can...sorry i guess i didn't need to post. :/

 

[Usehername]

I am against sucking up to further one's own status if the complements aren't true, but I have no issues with voicing and affirming qualities that I respect and like about that person when voicing it might provide social lubrication for my own needs. For example: chatting with the departmental secretary and complementing her on her new haircut.

It's a win-win: she feels noticed and more like a person when often students forget to acknowledge her beyond what she can do for them, and I am on good terms with her just in case I find myself in need of what she can help me with (opening a locked door, getting a file for me, etc.).

EDIT
Oops. Didn't realize this was in the NF subforum--sorry guys! (I will add, though, that if I don't genuinely mean what I have to say, I don't say anything--it's rather me being cognizant of needing to talk about more than my immediate goals and Te-ing too much.)

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

That is a good approach (looking for something genuinely nice to say). It just keeps things open even if you sense you're unlikely to ever have much of a connection with the person. I don't want to end up seeming superior/too good for other people...which I think is a trap I could fall into.

Another aspect of this topic is how it feels to receive such compliments. When I strongly suspect someone dislikes me and they compliment me instead of paying me, or have a specific advantage they are seeking from me, the flattery can feel a bit insulting. It suggests that the receiver of such a false compliment has their reason controlled by ego, and that they are too stupid to see through this type of manipulation. In the end it seems disrespectful.

I'm thinking mostly of professional contexts, since I avoid most social ones.

 

[nomadic]

hopefully im talented enough where i don't have to suck up for anything.

if not, i hope i like my life of mediocrity

 

[OrangeAppled]

I hate sucking up also, and I hate getting my assed kiss. Too fake for me. Unfortunately, yes, that's how people climb social and career ladders.

 

[GHC]

I really don't like sucking up to people, in fact I think I can be quite bad at acting nice to someone I dislike/despises and some people might be able too see through it. I sometimes can be very ironic, sarcastic or rude when someone I dislike is in my presence; It doesn’t even need to be with words just my body language will scream at you “I don’t like you”.

I suppose that's the reason why most of my classmates describes me as being a very honest person.

 

[The Outsider]

It annoys me.

 

[tsumatachi_san]

I prefer to ask quite directly (but obviously with some people you need to sugar-coat thing a little or they explode at you).

I can't stand other people sucking up. It's unfair to everyone else - even if people work hard, those that won't get rid of their dignity and suck up to people won't get the same recognition.
If no one did it, that kind of thing wouldn't happen =.=

 

[sunshinebrighter]

I have a hard time sucking up as well.

It seems to be the standard in America culture for women to suck up to each other. I have met girls who are nice in my face and mean behind my back. I don't find these people trustworthy. They do it just in case they need anything from me in the future.

I'm frustrated as well because I want to be true to myself, but not isolate myself from society. This one of the reasons why I like the African America culture. If the girls don't like you, they will say they don't like you. It makes things for simpler for me because I can do my best to stay out of their way. Less drama equals more happy.

 

[proteanmix]

I have a hard time sucking up as well.

It seems to be the standard in America culture for women to suck up to each other. I have met girls who are nice in my face and mean behind my back. I don't find these people trustworthy. They do it just in case they need anything from me in the future.

I'm frustrated as well because I want to be true to myself, but not isolate myself from society. This one of the reasons why I like the African America culture. If the girls don't like you, they will say they don't like you. It makes things for simpler for me because I can do my best to stay out of their way. Less drama equals more happy.

Just to add my own little experience I must say, when people describe their high school experiences on the forum, some of it is completely foreign to me. When girls didn't like you when I was in HS, there was no pretending you got eye rolls and very direct, unambiguous messages that they didn't like you. It also lead to more fights and suspensions. I know I got suspended twice in high school for fighting over stupid girl stuff.

When I got to college and moved into the professional world things got very murky as far as this particular point. I suppose it's out of necessity, you can't always show that you don't like a person.

 

[sunshinebrighter]

Just to add my own little experience I must say, when people describe their high school experiences on the forum, some of it is completely foreign to me. When girls didn't like you when I was in HS, there was no pretending you got eye rolls and very direct, unambiguous messages that they didn't like you. It also lead to more fights and suspensions. I know I got suspended twice in high school for fighting over stupid girl stuff.

When I got to college and moved into the professional world things got very murky as far as this particular point. I suppose it's out of necessity, you can't always show that you don't like a person.

I wasn't talking about my high school experience. Just like you the murkiness started in college and the professional world. I do believe that they do this to prevent drama and get ahead, but they do it in a way that starts the drama and make people like me uncomfortable.

 

[SilkRoad]

I wasn't talking about my high school experience. Just like you the murkiness started in college and the professional world. I do believe that they do this to prevent drama and get ahead, but they do it in a way that starts the drama and make people like me uncomfortable.

Sadly, I have found that aspects of life after high school - and even after uni - can be more "high school" in that sense than high school ever was for me...

 

[kiddykat]

^It's called 'politics.' I suck at it..

My biggest flaw? I cannot force myself to be 'extra' nice to someone whom I cannot respect (if my boundaries get crossed). I can be polite to keep things cordial or professional, but I cannot hang in that situation for extended periods of time.

I refuse.

(I admire people who can put on that game-face- especially when it comes to business communication- I wonder how they do it). Bureaucracy is something I'ma have to learn to deal with. Si.

 

[FaithBW]

I also hate sucking up. If I genuinely like you, you will know. I'll be open and friendly to you. If I feel neutral about you, you'll also know (I'm usually pretty cordial and perhaps sometimes friendly but nothing beyond that with people in this category) and if I really don't like you, I'll probably stay away from you as much as possible and be cordial if I have to deal with you at all.

My husband wishes that I would play "politics" more and learn to put on a "game face" (as VIV put it) but that just is not in my nature. My husband can do it quite well. I cannot. I value genuineness and real connections (even if they are few) over fake connections that are numerous and meant to get you ahead. If I have to get ahead that way, than I would rather stay where I am.

 

[kiddykat]

Yeah- I wouldn't use it to get ahead either.. When it comes to work/office politics, it's hard not to take things personal- you have to just suck it up, not say much, which is kinda hard for me to do. That's what I mean by 'game face.' I admire people who can put up with that crap. I certainly cannot.

 

[scortia]

The concept of sucking up reviles me so much, that I can't even take unnecessary flattery from someone who is sincere... it freaks me out. I only want to be complimented if I truly did something to deserve it, not just for being myself!