[Fe] Teaching an INFP to better use Fe

[TheEmeraldCanopy]

How might one better discover or utilize their weak Fe (deep down inside)?

I've been feeling like I'm just shooting in the dark... or inauthentic every time I try.

One of my friends described it to me as acting, of sorts, and that you just have to imagine the situation. If I try to place myself in someone else's shoes, I feel as though I project my own subjective feelings onto the situation even if I try not to do so. I believe that somehow I can never fully understand the depth of what they are going through, and that I lack the ability (or the focus?) to fully understand their situation and therefore, to fully comfort or help someone in that sense. I would like to help others, but I feel there is not all that much I can do.

I know it was brought up in another thread previously how INFPs relate things back to themselves, and that is how we understand things. Similarly, if a friend is going through a time period where they need help, I feel I can only try to relate to their situation through my own experiences but never fully get the complete picture (unless they provide plenty of details to help me along, or I know all of the people involved and can come up with an idea of what is happening and how to resolve it). Another way is through something VERY similar happening to me.

If I have enough detail to paint a good picture of what is happening or happened, I can at least somewhat better relate to how they are feeling. However, I can't quite tell them what to do next once I get to this point. I can offer my opinion but... my advice is usually limited, again, unless it's something with which I've had actual experience.

I'm incredibly stuck as to how to go about developing this function. Any advice?

 

[Fidelia]

I think the more people you are involved with in your life, the bigger of a bank of experiences you have to go back to. Sometimes with Fi it seems to me like the hearer of the news is immediately trying to compare it to their experiences mentally, rather than just listening at first. Maybe one of the tricks is just to ask enough questions that the person feels like you are focused on understanding their specific situation, rather than relate one similar to it for possible solutions. Sometimes I think the emotions a Fi user feels at hearing something can overshadow the actually information that's being relayed and how it is impacting the people involved. That's just a stab in the dark, but how it seems maybe from my perspective. Would you say too that Fe imposes itself a little more on people, while Fi tends to sit back and give people space?

 

[OrangeAppled]

Much of this can be remedied by more use of Ne. Work on connecting things that seem unrelated, seeing patterns, and imagining yourself in a foreign situation and how you think you might react/feel.

Acknowledging you cannot fully know what another person is feeling is simply being honest. It's better not to assume too much anyway. I know for us, since we want to heal, it can be frustrating to not be able to give some perspective to people that helps them reach a solution, but listening gives a lot of comfort in itself.

As for Fe, I suck at it also. I think we may be better of trying to extrovert any Fi warmth through Ne somehow. Although I seem a little air-heady when I do that (no offense ENFPs ).

 

[TheEmeraldCanopy]

I think the more people you are involved with in your life, the bigger of a bank of experiences you have to go back to. Sometimes with Fi it seems to me like the hearer of the news is immediately trying to compare it to their experiences mentally, rather than just listening at first. Maybe one of the tricks is just to ask enough questions that the person feels like you are focused on understanding their specific situation, rather than relate one similar to it for possible solutions. Sometimes I think the emotions a Fi user feels at hearing something can overshadow the actually information that's being relayed and how it is impacting the people involved. That's just a stab in the dark, but how it seems maybe from my perspective. Would you say too that Fe imposes itself a little more on people, while Fi tends to sit back and give people space?

I agree with you. That's a good question as well... hmm. I was going to say in my case that my limited use of Fe is imposing (because I tend to assume things), but I think I'm just confusing Fe with my Fi. I wind up projecting onto other people what I think they are feeling.... or is that Fe? In any case, it is usually WAY off the mark...

I find it works much better if someone just talks me through exactly how they are feeling so that I have no room for assumption.

I agree that Fi can sit back and give people space but... at the same time, isn't Fi supposed to be more judgmental and Fe more unbiased (in which case, you get more breathing room as an individual)?

 

[TheEmeraldCanopy]

Much of this can be remedied by more use of Ne. Work on connecting things that seem unrelated, seeing patterns, and imagining yourself in a foreign situation and how you think you might react/feel.

Acknowledging you cannot fully know what another person is feeling is simply being honest. It's better not to assume too much anyway. I know for us, since we want to heal, it can be frustrating to not be able to give some perspective to people that helps them reach a solution, but listening gives a lot of comfort in itself.

As for Fe, I suck at it also. I think we may be better of trying to extrovert any Fi warmth through Ne somehow. Although I seem a little air-heady when I do that (no offense ENFPs ).

Okay hmm... I'll try working on my Ne.

I think at times my Ne goes way too overboard, connecting two things that are incredibly unrelated in some strange and ridiculous way. Other times, I feel it has barely lifted off the ground, and that I am thinking WAY too literally. How to find a good balance between the two extremes...

I know this is a stupid question, but how can someone tell when Fi warmth is being projected through Ne? Is it through our relating things from other people backwards to us? How does it manifest in an interaction?

 

[OrangeAppled]

Okay hmm... I'll try working on my Ne.

I think at times my Ne goes way too overboard, connecting two things that are incredibly unrelated in some strange and ridiculous way. Other times, I feel it has barely lifted off the ground, and that I am thinking WAY too literally. How to find a good balance between the two extremes...

I know this is a stupid question, but how can someone tell when Fi warmth is being projected through Ne? Is it through our relating things from other people backwards to us? How does it manifest in an interaction?

Hmm, in a serious conversation, I do not jump to relating verbally unless asked about myself or my opinion directly. I think I mentioned in some other thread that I hate "one-upping" and steer clear of doing it myself.

So personally, I mainly ask a lot of questions (which Ne is great at), but they can be leading questions to help someone realize the truth (because yes, we make conclusions with Fi). I may have a hypothesis forming in my mind, and I adjust it as I get more info. It sounds like you do that too, from your comments about needing more info from people. This does several things: they get to vent and feel better, you're showing personal interest, and you're getting more needed info to evaluate.

Okay, as for warmth, this is what I find hard also. I tend to detach emotionally so my mind is clear, which means I might seem cold. Anyhow, I find that relating what I imagine I would feel without talking about myself works, like, "I am so sorry. I imagine that must be very painful", instead of, "I am so sorry. Such and such happened to me once, and it was very painful, so I can kind of understand." Just edit yourself out .

And like I said, asking questions goes a long way in showing concern also, as does legitimizing their feelings when they state them, like, "It's natural to feel that way." Even if the feeling is destructive, you can get them to see that by questioning them and gently leading them to realize a solution.

 

[Amargith]

^ That's interesting..I tend to do the same as you, when I 'interrogate' people. And, I'll get cold and detached, but ONLY if the subject matter is that complicated or, if it is that interesting that I get completely enthused, which makes me sorta forget about the person involved.

However, usually this is not the case, and then I'll focus on having the person vent, and how they feel, especially in the beginning, sticking only to sympathetic and supportive answers to encourage them to continue and feel safe. As you're still getting the main story like this, I find it's best to let them tell it their way, while you mentally figure out which parts are relevant and which are not. That's why I love getting people to rant, and some of the INTs are incredibly obnoxious about doing that

After that, they've been able to vent, so they feel listened to, and they've had a chance to process their emotions. Then I start asking guided questions to get more info, and more context about the situation. By this time I have a pretty good oversight and I'm mapping out the details to make sure I don't make any wrongful assumptions. Then I doublecheck my assumptions. Once I've done that, I start with either suggestions, and if those don't help, I'll ask questions, like yourself, to help them realize things, depending on the problem/topic.

So I'm wondering, if the first part is Fe? I score pretty high on Fe, though I live and breathe Fi, so I never know where one ends and the other picks up.

 

[BlackCat]

Well the times that I "Fe" are with people with whom I respect in some way. By this I mean I say something that will purely make them feel better or just do justice to the given situation to give a much better outcome rather than just saying the first thing that comes to mind that would possibly offend or have a negative reaction. I feel like I'm shooting in the dark and being ingenuine, but it's worth doing, especially when you have a good response.

I don't think that knowing what to do to help someone in an emotional way is really Fe... various types each have their ways of helping emotionally. I know that I'm good at this, and my Fe is my least used process.

Similarly, if a friend is going through a time period where they need help, I feel I can only try to relate to their situation through my own experiences but never fully get the complete picture (unless they provide plenty of details to help me along, or I know all of the people involved and can come up with an idea of what is happening and how to resolve it). Another way is through something VERY similar happening to me.

This is exactly what you need to do (bolded). Don't be afraid to ask questions. I'd be totally left in the dark if I didn't have the details of situations, use extroverted perception and form a solution to the situation in your head. Ask as many things as you need, take various things into consideration, etc.

One thing that has always helped me in these situations is to consider the importance of things to people. Just any situation where you're trying to help, consider what it means to the OTHER person, and how the events and just the situation as a whole is effecting the other person. For me, I have to seemingly mentally use an emergency brake, I have to totally shift gears to even be able to do this. I do believe that this is how Fe manifests itself in me. But it feels difficult to do, like I have to dust off a strange and unusual tool in my toolshed to solve a specific problem. The tool isn't really used much and I don't have as much of a hold on it as I'd like to, but it's still there.

Here's a question, do you have a specific problem? Just having an idea of "lacking Fe" is hard for me to answer... and as you can see I can only relate it to myself. But it seems like you and I are similar in this regard.

 

[Amargith]

^ Agreed on the 'thinking how it is for the other person'. I forgot to mention that, but as I go through all the info they've given me, I'll automatically let that intertwine with the background info I have on them: what they're like, how they are different from me, what their past is like, why they are likely to respond the way they're doing now, considering the previous factors, etc. This is kinda vital, otherwise you risk completely missing the mark...which has happened to me when I was younger, or when I skip a few steps in the process, coz I'm tired, impatient and generally not very stable myself. I also always end up regretting that

Short cuts are just a no no, ime

 

[BlackCat]

^ Agreed on the 'thinking how it is for the other person'. I forgot to mention that, but as I go through all the info they've given me, I'll automatically let that intertwine with the background info I have on them: what they're like, how they are different from me, what their past is like, why they are likely to respond the way they're doing now, considering the previous factors, etc. This is kinda vital, otherwise you risk completely missing the mark...which has happened to me when I was younger, or when I skip a few steps in the process, coz I'm tired, impatient and generally not very stable myself. I also always end up regretting that

Oh yes, definitely . Yet another side of the issue.

 

[TheEmeraldCanopy]

Thanks for all of the advice so far, everyone. This is really helpful.

Summarized Tips:

-Focus on letting the other person vent first. Let them get their emotions off of their chest.

-Try to listen first, not just relate via your own experiences. This way you are not placing your own assumptions or viewpoints onto another person's experience.

-Ask lots of questions, gather many details; this will emphasize your interest in the other person and in truly understanding their problem.

-Consider how important your help may be to the other person.

-Remember it is about the other person and not yourself.


Please let me know what I am missing or what I have misunderstood and not written correctly here.

 

[Thalassa]

As someone who has lots of Fi and a little Fe, what I've learned as I've matured is that with my Fi I'm ALWAYS going to relate everything back to myself, so in order to use Fe I usually just let the other person talk, I listen, I offer help if needed, and make an effort to reciprocate in some tangible manner i.e. if an Fe-dom friend is a gift-giver, I make sure to give a gift back because I know that means something to them.

Trying to understand what they're going through and relating your own experience can be a mistake. When someone else truly needs help, just be and focus out and support. Keeping my mouth shut usually is the best way to go, just trying to be helpful without inserting my ego.

That's what I see as the value in Fe, and how I'm able to use it.

Otherwise I'm pretty much against it. I think a lot of Fe is a bunch of fake, unnecessary, energy wasting bullshit, but there goes my Fi talking.

 

[will5250]

It was nice to read this in a way because I get criticized a lot for asking too many questions. I get told that this is very irritating, and that I should be able to just know the things that I ask about by looking inside myself, but my inside is not wired like theirs evidently.

Actually this is one of the main reasons that I like to visit forums like this one. I am collecting patterns that help me predict, and identify others problems and behavior, without needing to ask for it so much. My Ne in cahoots with my Si seems to be very good at automatic learning. I just read posts, and it all just sticks, accumulating along associations. I call it building filters that help me translate across personality differences. Also I have learned that the more random knowledge that I put into my Si, the better my intuition is able to solve problems when they are encountered.

 

[Biaxident]

It was nice to read this in a way because I get criticized a lot for asking too many questions. I get told that this is very irritating, and that I should be able to just know the things that I ask about by looking inside myself, but my inside is not wired like theirs evidently.

Actually this is one of the main reasons that I like to visit forums like this one. I am collecting patterns that help me predict, and identify others problems and behavior, without needing to ask for it so much. My Ne in cahoots with my Si seems to be very good at automatic learning. I just read posts, and it all just sticks, accumulating along associations. I call it building filters that help me translate across personality differences. Also I have learned that the more random knowledge that I put into my Si, the better my intuition is able to solve problems when they are encountered.

 

[Tewt]

It was nice to read this in a way because I get criticized a lot for asking too many questions. I get told that this is very irritating, and that I should be able to just know the things that I ask about by looking inside myself, but my inside is not wired like theirs evidently.

Actually this is one of the main reasons that I like to visit forums like this one. I am collecting patterns that help me predict, and identify others problems and behavior, without needing to ask for it so much. My Ne in cahoots with my Si seems to be very good at automatic learning. I just read posts, and it all just sticks, accumulating along associations. I call it building filters that help me translate across personality differences. Also I have learned that the more random knowledge that I put into my Si, the better my intuition is able to solve problems when they are encountered.

My SO and I have had more than a few hiccups where I would tell him something and he wouldnt say a word, then later it would come up again and he had a totally different interpretation of what I said. I WISH he would ask more questions but it was pounded into him not to do it. It's almost like he is/was scared that I would bite his head off for just asking.

I want to strangle whoever told him not to ask so many questions.

 

[will5250]

My SO and I have had more than a few hiccups where I would tell him something and he wouldnt say a word, then later it would come up again and he had a totally different interpretation of what I said. I WISH he would ask more questions but it was pounded into him not to do it. It's almost like he is/was scared that I would bite his head off for just asking.

I want to strangle whoever told him not to ask so many questions.

You remind me of another observation. Its all English, but people of different types speak in different languages. The same words can illicit different contexts for people of different types, which can lead to many opportunities for communication problems; case in point, yours.

Additionally I have a learning disability called Auditory Processing Disorder, which causes me to intermittently not hear the same word as what was spoken. The hearing problem is in the brain instead of in the ears. This on top of the other makes it imperative that I ask questions, or else tune out because I cannot follow the meaning of the conversation otherwise. Its really hard to just sit there with a straight face when what I am understanding is making no sense. Sometimes when I'm listening to a lecture, or a group conversation where it's inconvenient to ask, I will consider two or three potential intended contexts in my mind weighing them against what is being said as the conversation progresses, until one of them starts to make sense, or the others become totally absurd. I've done this many times to avoid having to ask.

 

[Amargith]

Oh, I will also add, that if you use your Fi to relate to someone with your own experiences, I've found it useful to a) wait till they're done venting and b) always, ALWAYS finish your story by STATING why it was similar or relevant to the original topic aka their situation, and how you can understand that it must be hard for THEM. For the most part of my life, I assumed it was implied. It is NOT to other people, and they 'll often misunderstand it for you being self-centered and not willing to listen, and attentionwhoring.


Just my two cents.

 

[will5250]

Oh, I will also add, that if you use your Fi to relate to someone with your own experiences, I've found it useful to a) wait till they're done venting and b) always, ALWAYS finish your story by STATING why it was similar or relevant to the original topic aka their situation, and how you can understand that it must be hard for THEM. For the most part of my life, I assumed it was implied. It is NOT to other people, and they 'll often misunderstand it for you being self-centered and not willing to listen, and attentionwhoring.


Just my two cents.

This is very important too. Most folks are not viewing the world through their intuition the way we do. They won't see the connection so easily as we do.

 

[OrangeAppled]

I want to emphasize that relating things back to something you personally know/understand is not a bad thing. It only sounds "selfish" to people who don't understand the process. Fe people are as guilty of talking about themselves (ESFJs are the worst, IMO) as a way to try and comfort ("I have it worse, so feel better"). It doesn't have to be done verbally if that's not directly helpful, and it doesn't mean you are not listening (I do it almost unconscionably). It's what make us empathetic, and it's a positive thing when that feeling is evident to people through personal interest, patient listening, and useful insight.

 

[cascadeco]

I think the more people you are involved with in your life, the bigger of a bank of experiences you have to go back to. Sometimes with Fi it seems to me like the hearer of the news is immediately trying to compare it to their experiences mentally, rather than just listening at first. Maybe one of the tricks is just to ask enough questions that the person feels like you are focused on understanding their specific situation, rather than relate one similar to it for possible solutions. Sometimes I think the emotions a Fi user feels at hearing something can overshadow the actually information that's being relayed and how it is impacting the people involved. That's just a stab in the dark, but how it seems maybe from my perspective. Would you say too that Fe imposes itself a little more on people, while Fi tends to sit back and give people space?

A great post!

To repeat what others have already said, simply ask a lot of questions. Get as much information as possible. Listen to what they are actually saying, and try not to project what you yourself would feel in the situation they're describing onto them, as they in reality might be experiencing an entirely different set of emotions than you would in the same situation.

Something I catch myself doing rather often, and I think this is where, if not careful, Fe can lead to rather unclear boundaries and can weaken the sense of ones own identity (although as an Fi dom, you won't have this problem ): when listening to someone, I might be thinking, 'If I were them, with their personality, I could totally see why they would feel what they're feeling and would behave the way they're behaving.' So it ultimately has nothing to do with what I would do in a certain situation, or how I would react/feel. We're two entirely different beings, with entirely different thoughts, feelings, approaches to life, etc. It's all about learning enough about the other person, and how they tick, and from there understanding their psychae a bit better.