[MBTI General] Bloody INFPs and their capacity to turn INTJs into fuzzy hug addicts.

[lillyofthevalley]

OMG.

Did you feel a little uneasy at first with his attention? I mean, it was really nice but there was a little voice inside your head that kept throwing you the caution sign...but he was so much fun! Every indication from him was that he couldn't believe his luck that he found you and that you were actually interested in him, he just couldn't wait to be with you again. Did he pump and pay for your gas? Did he insist on opening the door for you everywhere you went? Was he a little too physical in public for you?

 

[Biaxident]

Did you feel a little uneasy at first with his attention? I mean, it was really nice but there was a little voice inside your head that kept throwing you the caution sign...but he was so much fun! Every indication from him was that he couldn't believe his luck that he found you and that you were actually interested in him, he just couldn't wait to be with you again. Did he pump and pay for your gas? Did he insist on opening the door for you everywhere you went? Was he a little too physical in public for you?

That could be almost any guy when first in a relationship. Although the gas thing is a little much.

 

[lillyofthevalley]

That could be almost any guy when first in a relationship. Although the gas thing is a little much.

In a way, true but this guy stands out from the others, this is what makes us a little uneasy, there's something not right about it all. This guy is a pro and he is determined he wants us.

Also, the really good ones will treat us like a princess, there's nothing they can't do for us. Their goal is to make us happy and it's that flattering attention that eventually wears us down.

 

[Cranky]

In a way, true but this guy stands out from the others, this is what makes us a little uneasy, there's something not right about it all. This guy is a pro and he is determined he wants us.

Also, the really good ones will treat us like a princess, there's nothing they can't do for us. Their goal is to make us happy and it's that flattering attention that eventually wears us down.

Nope...not a player. I think he was just really, really, REALLY trying to find out if it would work, and I never saw when his decision happened. Like I said, I've got the looks, the bod, and the smarts, so he actually SAID he was trying as hard as he could to figure out if it would work. It's a shame I couldn't lead him around by his manparts. It would have been easier!

 

[lillyofthevalley]

I'm not saying this guy you knew was a commitment phobe, he might be a normal guy who for whatever reason lost interest.
The type of guy I'm talking about doesn't really see himself as a player in fact, he sincerely likes you which it turns out is part of his problem, it gives him the cold willies when it starts looking like the relationship is getting serious. It's really a tough situation for the guy because he genuinely wants to be close and he loves the warm feelings he has with the girl but there inevitably comes a time when he becomes so uncomfortable that he has to back out in some way, this gives him some temorary relief but it also makes him miserable because he doesn't enjoy hurting your feelings and he knows he's blown another opportunity at a real relationship. This guy is really in a bind. When the relationship starts getting serious most of these guys will start finding ways to put a distance between them and their girlfriends. They start finding fault with the woman which is very bewildering for her. They need to spend more time at work, with their friends, etc., they quit calling, they start to lie about where they are, get non committal about when they'll be seeing you again. A lot of jerks will act this way too but they aren't necessarily phobic, nice guys will usually tell you it's not working for them and they are concerned about your feelings. Phobics will sometimes just disappear temporarily or even permanently. Some phobics are strange in other ways, they won't give you their home phone, they don't invite you over, they don't want to be seen with you in public places, they don't give you information about their families. And yet, one on one they are wonderful with you. Strange stuff like that.

 

[Cranky]

I'm not saying this guy you knew was a commitment phobe, he might be a normal guy who for whatever reason lost interest.
The type of guy I'm talking about doesn't really see himself as a player in fact, he sincerely likes you which it turns out is part of his problem, it gives him the cold willies when it starts looking like the relationship is getting serious. It's really a tough situation for the guy because he genuinely wants to be close and he loves the warm feelings he has with the girl but there inevitably comes a time when he becomes so uncomfortable that he has to back out in some way, this gives him some temorary relief but it also makes him miserable because he doesn't enjoy hurting your feelings and he knows he's blown another opportunity at a real relationship. This guy is really in a bind. When the relationship starts getting serious most of these guys will start finding ways to put a distance between them and their girlfriends. They start finding fault with the woman which is very bewildering for her. They need to spend more time at work, with their friends, etc., they quit calling, they start to lie about where they are, get non committal about when they'll be seeing you again. A lot of jerks will act this way too but they aren't necessarily phobic, nice guys will usually tell you it's not working for them and they are concerned about your feelings. Phobics will sometimes just disappear temporarily or even permanently. Some phobics are strange in other ways, they won't give you their home phone, they don't invite you over, they don't want to be seen with you in public places, they don't give you information about their families. And yet, one on one they are wonderful with you. Strange stuff like that.

My friend Gothmawg calls INFP men "emotional sluts." He IS one, so he should know. He keeps saying he's gonna do a long post on the topic, and he keeps NOT PUTTING OUT. Oh, wait. This is a familiar feeling.

 

[lillyofthevalley]

I used to have a friend who was a rescuer. His main interest in women was to find some poor girl who was strung out or something. Then his project was to do the good deed and show her the way out of her situation. Eventually he married one of these ladies and divorced her 2 years later. I used to tell him that he had a noble heart but he was a little misguided with it, that he needed to put his passion into the community or some other cause and find a healthy woman who was interested in the same things.

 

[Udog]

My friend Gothmawg calls INFP men "emotional sluts." He IS one, so he should know. He keeps saying he's gonna do a long post on the topic, and he keeps NOT PUTTING OUT. Oh, wait. This is a familiar feeling.

When an INFP says he'll do it "one day", 99% chance it means "it's a really cool idea, but it's alot of work and I don't really want to put the effort into it, so it will never get done unless someone makes me do it."

That's true even when I say it.

 

[Amargith]

Listen to the dog, he knows..

 

[Biaxident]

When an INFP says he'll do it "one day", 99% chance it means "it's a really cool idea, but it's alot of work and I don't really want to put the effort into it, so it will never get done unless someone makes me do it."

That's true even when I say it.

No way...

Usually when I say I will do something I mean it, it just may not be in the next 5 minutes. If I hem and haw, and make excuses, that means I am not sold on the idea and would rather not. And if I say no, it means no.

And I don't make promises. Unless I am sure I can keep them.

 

[WoodsWoman]

It's the "one day" that is key - someday, it's fun to think about... - or as my Grandmother would say, "I don't want to go, but I'd like to have been (or done)... (insert location - or any other tentative thought)."

This doesn't reflect on the things I say I will do. Different subject.

 

[Udog]

No way...

Usually when I say I will do something I mean it, it just may not be in the next 5 minutes. If I hem and haw, and make excuses, that means I am not sold on the idea and would rather not. And if I say no, it means no.

And I don't make promises. Unless I am sure I can keep them.

I'm the same way about promises or when it comes to big things. But not so much about when it comes to making a post on the internet.

Of course, in context of this thread, I didn't make one of the posts I said I would because it ended up being unnecessary. Other INTJs and INFPs chimed in on how to heal, and the OP figured it out. (Which was, she figured something she did wrong, and made an actionable plan to avoid it in the future.)

 

[will5250]

My friend Gothmawg calls INFP men "emotional sluts." He IS one, so he should know. He keeps saying he's gonna do a long post on the topic, and he keeps NOT PUTTING OUT.

If I intend to write a long post explaining something, I am likely to not talk about my intentions to anyone. I will contemplate the subject during opportunities for solitude, and get most of the post written in my mind first before attempting to post it.

 

[will5250]

I used to have a friend who was a rescuer. His main interest in women was to find some poor girl who was strung out or something. Then his project was to do the good deed and show her the way out of her situation. Eventually he married one of these ladies and divorced her 2 years later. I used to tell him that he had a noble heart but he was a little misguided with it, that he needed to put his passion into the community or some other cause and find a healthy woman who was interested in the same things.

I do something similar to this, but I never have any romantic interest in the people I try to help.

 

[luminous beam]

and i thought INFPs were usually the ones to play the victims...

 

[will5250]

and i thought INFPs were usually the ones to play the victims...

Not me. Do you tend to play the victim?

 

[luminous beam]

a lot of INFPs can be a bit delusional and overly sensitive. if you're not one of those, congrats. i'm not, but i can see the tendency within to try to go there and blame others rather than take full responsibility for your actions w/o also blaming yourself for anything and everything. finding a balance in this regard is a skill that INFPs need to work on.

 

[lillyofthevalley]

Not me. Do you tend to play the victim?

This one makes me chuckle.
My boyfriend (don't know his MBTI) is very good at a victim play when he senses I'm pissed at him. He's awesome good at duck and dodge. You'll hear: Oh, do you hate me now? Or I was just trying to help you out, how can I have screwed it up, I thought I was doing a good thing? He acts misunderstood, not realizing I know what he's doing. The problem is that he stands his ground and appologizes early to keep the wolf at bay. I have to just back off since it's pointless to keep going. It's really ingenious how he does this and I'm amazed at how fast he is at it.

 

[will5250]

a lot of INFPs can be a bit delusional and overly sensitive. if you're not one of those, congrats. i'm not, but i can see the tendency within to try to go there and blame others rather than take full responsibility for your actions w/o also blaming yourself for anything and everything. finding a balance in this regard is a skill that INFPs need to work on.

In all fairness, many years ago, I considered myself to be broken and I a victim of my own self, especially for a few years after enduring four years of being bullied in high school on top of being unable to excel scholastically because of learning disabilities that I didn't know I had, but I've managed to out grow all that now, and discovering what I do well didn't hurt the process any.

But this is different I think than playing the victim, or victim attitude, or maybe not. These days I have little patience for victim attitude, even though I once considered myself one. Actually it was also my spending a few months hanging out on an INTJ forum that contributed a lot to my unloading that attitude about myself along with taking things personally, and a few other undesirable qualities.

 

[will5250]

This one makes me chuckle.
My boyfriend (don't know his MBTI) is very good at a victim play when he senses I'm pissed at him. He's awesome good at duck and dodge. You'll hear: Oh, do you hate me now? Or I was just trying to help you out, how can I have screwed it up, I thought I was doing a good thing? He acts misunderstood, not realizing I know what he's doing. The problem is that he stands his ground and appologizes early to keep the wolf at bay. I have to just back off since it's pointless to keep going. It's really ingenious how he does this and I'm amazed at how fast he is at it.

I am tutoring a 3'rd grader who prides himself on his skills in being able to get out of things, instead of learning to work through them instead. At least in my student, I have caught it much earlier. Maybe by the time he reaches the age of your boyfriend he will already have moved past that childish stage.