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  1. #1
    Senior Member GirlFromMars's Avatar
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    Unhappy Being used/walked-over

    Now, I know it will happen to every type sometimes. But, does it happen more to us "idyllics"? I don't want to turn this into a pitty party thread, but I'm real sick, tired, and hurt of opening up to people and caring and being there for them, to have them spit it back in my face and take advantage of me. It's like I hate hurting people, but people don't seem to mind doing it to me so much. I also get too carried away and involved. Is this more likely to happen to our types? Are we just too sensitive/"nice"?

  2. #2
    Member MmmCrazy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GirlFromMars View Post
    Now, I know it will happen to every type sometimes. But, does it happen more to us "idyllics"? I don't want to turn this into a pitty party thread, but I'm real sick, tired, and hurt of opening up to people and caring and being there for them, to have them spit it back in my face and take advantage of me. It's like I hate hurting people, but people don't seem to mind doing it to me so much. I also get too carried away and involved. Is this more likely to happen to our types? Are we just too sensitive/"nice"?
    I honestly didn't realize I was being emotionally abused until the opposite party out and out said, "I was emotionally abusing you." I think we just give people the benefit of the doubt too often... but I feel like more often than not, they deserve it? I mean I'm not completely stupid and I can tell when most people are just being jerks, but if it's someone very close to me I'm much more likely to forgive them over and over again instead of trying to leave them.

  3. #3
    Senior Member SerengetiBetty's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GirlFromMars View Post
    Is this more likely to happen to our types? Are we just too sensitive/"nice"?
    nope,it happens to everyone, it;s the nature of dealing with people. I just recently had to fire 2 friends for their chronic assholary.

    maybe the thing with INFPs is that it takes you guys longer to do what needs to be done and terminate the relationship, but being dicked over isn't only relegated to 1 type.

  4. #4
    Cat Wench ReadingRainbows's Avatar
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    People will treat you how you allow them to treat you.

  5. #5
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I think it's more a matter of developing judgement over time about who is wise to invest in and how much. If you are hoping for reciprocation, there is a time for deciding that not enough is being given back and drawing back a little. When NFs are younger or more unsure of themselves, this can be a real problem. (Actually I think with Fs generally). Over time though, I think we learn to distribute our caring more judiciously or at least recognize when it is not likely to be reciprocated.

    T types are more likely to change the situation if they are not happy with the way things are. F types tend to want to work out something that both people are happy with. They will bring it up when they are not happy, and that appears to T types like they are complaining. Either it's no big deal or you should change what you are doing. Either way it's up to you. It took me awhile to realize that this was their frame of mind and I often would make adjustments for them that were a bit of a sacrifice for me, hoping that they would notice and reciprocate. I didn't understand that in their eyes they did not understand I was making an adjustment because they wouldn't be as naturally inclined to solve problems in that manner.

    Some unhealthy F types can be emotional vampires and it is important to decide whether someone is worthy of you sinking a lot of time and emotional energy into them if they are unlikely to improve their circumstances, listen to advice, or be dependable friends in return. It doesn't mean you have to shun those people, but at least then you do not become a victim. You decide then how much you wish to invest and for what kind of return.

    In general, whether you are dealing with insecure Fs or Ts, they will have their own interests in mind first and foremost, even if they are good people. Insecurity puts the focus on yourself and your own needs because of the belief that if you don't look out for yourself, no one else will. It also is hard to get outside of yourself to look at other people and their needs. If you understand that it is nothing personal, but just that they have bigger things prioritizing their energies, then you don't feel nearly as hurt or blindsided. You may want to consider though if they are going to affect you negatively enough that you may not want to have them as your closest friends, because they will let you down.

  6. #6
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    I actually think this happens to me less than it does to many people. I take some pride in not being taken advantage of easily and not letting people walk over me. I have a backbone that surprises people, because they often equate quiet with passive.

    INFPs stand up for what they value. IMO, the cure for INFPs who feel walked on is to place more value on themselves and their needs. That's easier said than done of course, but I really think that's what it boils down to. Start viewing yourself as your best friend - would you let people treat your best friend that way?
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  7. #7
    Senior Member Bamboo's Avatar
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    Well, if it's any consolation, I was being used by an INFP not too long ago.

    So yeah, it can happen to anyone I think.

    And seriously, fidelia hit just about everything I could think of as 'important' above.
    Last edited by Bamboo; 10-04-2009 at 10:08 PM. Reason: changed to past tense
    Don't know how much it'll bend til it breaks.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Sacrator's Avatar
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    I agree with Fidelia. Sorry that happened to you that shouldn't happen to anyone. Just next time you see him physically abuse him by kicking him in the nuts.
    [SIGPIC]http://www.derekrhode.com/MiscHosting/Pics/151645.png[/SIGPIC]

  9. #9
    Junior Member Falling Snow's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GirlFromMars View Post
    Now, I know it will happen to every type sometimes. But, does it happen more to us "idyllics"? I don't want to turn this into a pitty party thread, but I'm real sick, tired, and hurt of opening up to people and caring and being there for them, to have them spit it back in my face and take advantage of me. It's like I hate hurting people, but people don't seem to mind doing it to me so much. I also get too carried away and involved. Is this more likely to happen to our types? Are we just too sensitive/"nice"?
    Hi GFM,

    I came across this thread because I'm currently getting to know an INFP guy I like very much and I have discovered that pretty much all of his past relationships were really abusive (he was being controlled and manipulated by women who were either controlling, manipulative or ball-breakers) and he was definitely engaging in people-pleasing to a ridiculous degree.

    I am not like that at all - INTP are virtually incapable of that level of strategy and prefer openness and honesty (we don't read emotional games well at all) and I would have thought that he would jump at the opportunity of having a relationship with someone who would let him be free to be himself. But he's very ambivalent about me. And I was wondering if this is because I don't fit his 'mould'. That he actually feels more comfortable being controlled?

    We are neither spring chickens (both in our early 50s) and both trying to break our past tendencies in relationships (mine are getting involved with guys who are emotionally unavailable or cold dictators who end up having emotional affairs with other women) and so I think he is intrigued by me. However, two things bother me - one that he doesn't talk about his past women (apart from one who was so evil, it was clear) as though they were abusive - although he does agree when I challenge him - but he wants to retain the memory of them as 'fabulous'. The other is that I asked him how he would know he'd met the right person and he said 'it would feel right'.

    To my mind that is suspicious as that 'it just feels right' feeling is what got him involved with these types of women before so it's not that trustworthy. And that is worrying - because even if he did decide to give it a go with me in order to do something different, I reckon that the first she-devil that crosses his path, he'll either have an affair with or leave me for. Basically I wouldn't know how to emotionally control him even if wanted to (which I don't).

    One more thing - I have an INFP colleague who is one of the sweetest kindest men I know and he is in a relationship with a really controlling woman and while he complains about her, he will never leave her (he knows he'd never see his kids without a fight). And another INFP gay friend of mine was willing to put up with a manipulative lover for years, have a civil partnership finally and then his partner left 6 months after the partnership and took him to the cleaners financially. But they were together for 10 years despite all of us asking our friend what he saw in this abusive person.

    So I was intrigued by this thread - are INFPs not only susceptible to being controlled in relationships, but actually like it or even need it?

  10. #10
    Once Was Synarch's Avatar
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    It takes two to tango. I think INFP males are susceptible to control.
    "Create like a god, command like a king, work like a slave."

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