Hello, I'm a 20-year-old ENFJ and I just need a diary to spew into at the moment.
After being hurt in a previous relationship with an emotionally-abusive INTJ, I decided to swear off romantic relationships for a time and just focus on friendships. This is very hard for me but I found my resolve in the idea of an ideal partner. I wrote down a specific description of a person (perhaps too specific) that had every quality I considered desirable and then told myself not to date anyone else until I find him. One of the qualities that comes to mind is that I'd like a guy who doesn't drink.
Unfortunately, my friendliness attracts way too many romantic interests. (I never thought this would be a problem, the ugly duckling is a story I've always associated myself with!) After feeling awful about turning down some really great guys that just had one or two things wrong with them (i.e. One who drinks only on occasion, or one who keeps inviting me to parties), I started to doubt my ideal. Love is, after all, a give and take, so shouldn't I be bending to meet his needs as well?
I finally gave in and started dating an (DUN DUN DUN) ISTP. He came after me after we randomly spent a night out (bowling! we keep it clean haha) because we were both just completely bored. Soon after we were dating, though for me it was very reluctant at first because I saw a problem with him. He too would go to parties and get drunk, but only with close friends and not very often. I had no sense of any of this typology stuff at the time, and subconsciously tried to start changing him/enforcing my own rules. He was very warm, loving, incredibly patient and didn't want me to change, but when I showed up at one of his friend's 21st birthday parties rather unamused he realized that I was trying to put him in a box. He immediately turned cold and got rid of me.
I was heartbroken. He had been so warm and patient that I couldn't understand what had brought about this sudden change. Months went by without seeing him and I finally realized that he has to go out and party and be his wild ISTP self in order to function, and that I was cruel to ever try to enforce rules on him. I also realized (because his friends had told me) that he NEVER let people in romantically, and that I was very special to him. This further broke my heart because I realized what I'd done wrong.
I expected never to see him again, but as fate would have it he keeps coming back into my life. At first he was very excited to see me again, which confused me because I was still under the impression that he hated me. Eventually we struck up a conversation and I felt like he was really opening up to me again. After a few weeks apart we met up again at a social gathering but he pretty much ignored me and was laughing and talking with other girls. I guess he's moved on. This saddened me again, but THE NEXT DAY, I realized I'm back to having a guys on my tail again, two of which happen to be ISTPs. (Whoops, no time to feel lonely for the ENFJ... but I still do...)
Now I'm confused. I know what I did wrong in a relationship with an ISTP, so should I use that knowledge to pursue one of these guys? (Both of which drink, but only socially... pfhaha why can't I win) Or... do I just ignore them both and stick to my ideal?
I kind of get this feeling that I get a lot more accomplished just by ignoring romance and being everybody's friend. It's true that when I'm in a romantic relationship I'm not as open and loving with *everybody* because I'm trying to focus on one person. But it's hard to ignore romance! Especially when so many people come after me. So do I choose to be alone and serve everyone or pick one person... even if they might suddenly grow cold and throw me out?
Haaaa, sorry if this is a lot of silly complaining. (And a LOT of questions... I really don't think there's just one topic here to discuss, but I figured I'd give you guys a lot to gnaw on.) I trust your advice very much!