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  1. #11
    Member MmmCrazy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPiranha View Post
    Hey, girly. I have some experience in this area (as BlackCat said, plenty of ISTP/ENFJ threads on the board for your reading pleasure). As far as a shadow pairing goes, this one seems to work out well even when several others don't. Can't say why.

    I've known many ISTPs over the years that didn't drink at all or didn't drink to the point of drunkenness because they felt the loss of personal control was repugnant. Granted, I've known others to shake the roof down as a catharsis. My own stance is no drinking or social drinking only because I come from a background of family alcoholism and I find drunk people to be altered and scary. If you aren't okay with it, just accept that fact and find one who feels the same as you do.

    I've dated ENTPs too who have the general air of libertines, and many can be, but I found one (a few actually) who liked to have a good time, yet had no taste for alcohol.
    I love you already.

    I really love ISTPs! Such cool people to be with. But yes, I think I need to accept that part of myself and keep searching. I just wonder if I get too hung up on looking for ideal people out there. I don't want to be so picky that I reject everybody.

  2. #12
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    I think the ENFJ/ISTP pairing works out waaayyy better than ENFJ/INTP.

    ISTPs have a different energy; I feel like they can handle Fe flames better.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  3. #13
    Junior Member CurlyJoe's Avatar
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    It seems that I'm the first ISTP to post on this thread. I don't want to speak about my type in general, but only about my personal experience.

    I am 41 years old now and I have a much better understanding of my own personality, strengths and weaknesses, than I did at 21. I feel that I am able to have a successful relationship with someone of any type now as long as we are both willing to communicate. But at 21, it was far more important for me to live life on my own terms. I had absolutely no ability to express my own feelings and great difficulty in understanding those of others. Any relationships that I had were very short because I was very reluctant to adapt my way of living to another person. I also dreaded the thought of discussing the state of the relationship with the woman because it was a language in which I had no ability and I would feel like a simpleton having a conversation about it. I would avoid any conflict and bail out when I had any hint that it was coming.

    Alcohol also played an important role in my life at the time. My college friends were party animals that boozed it up regularly, I was in the army reserve for a while and I played rugby for a couple of years after college. These were all groups that drank heavily. I enjoyed the male bonding and the chance to engage in wild activities. I have always been a strong introvert and the alcohol was a "social lubricant" that allowed me to push my boundaries. There was a history of alcohol abuse in my family, so it was something that worried me. I know that the child of an alcoholic is three times more likely to be an alcoholic than those without an alcoholic parent. While I definitely did abuse alcohol through binge drinking, I am not an alcoholic. It is easy to say in hindsight after 20 years, but that may not have been clear to others at the time, or maybe even to myself.

    But I never did drink much when I was seeing someone. I had no desire to make an ass of myself in front of a woman for whom I cared. In fact, I met one of my girlfriends at a party when we were both stinkin' drunk and just started making out (we hadn't even introduced ourselves). From such a crazy beginning, we went on to date for 5 months, but I was never drunk in her presence again (even though I think that she would have preferred for us to both let loose every now and then).

    It seems like you are a nice woman and this ISTP probably has no idea of what his is missing out on. I can't say that I have any advice for you. I have a hard time now thinking of what I could say to my 21-year-old self that would knock me out of my comfort zone without the crutch of alcohol.

    But I hope that you don't him too harshly for his drinking. I doubt that he drinks more than I used to (not many people do), and I think that I turned out okay.

  4. #14
    Member MmmCrazy's Avatar
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    I think the ENFJ/ISTP pairing works out waaayyy better than ENFJ/INTP.

    ISTPs have a different energy; I feel like they can handle Fe flames better.
    Agreed. Even when I felt like he was being cold when he broke up with me, he still let me cry it out with him until he seriously had to go because of time constraints!

    Quote Originally Posted by CurlyJoe View Post
    It seems that I'm the first ISTP to post on this thread. I don't want to speak about my type in general, but only about my personal experience.

    I am 41 years old now and I have a much better understanding of my own personality, strengths and weaknesses, than I did at 21. I feel that I am able to have a successful relationship with someone of any type now as long as we are both willing to communicate. But at 21, it was far more important for me to live life on my own terms. I had absolutely no ability to express my own feelings and great difficulty in understanding those of others. Any relationships that I had were very short because I was very reluctant to adapt my way of living to another person. I also dreaded the thought of discussing the state of the relationship with the woman because it was a language in which I had no ability and I would feel like a simpleton having a conversation about it. I would avoid any conflict and bail out when I had any hint that it was coming.

    Alcohol also played an important role in my life at the time. My college friends were party animals that boozed it up regularly, I was in the army reserve for a while and I played rugby for a couple of years after college. These were all groups that drank heavily. I enjoyed the male bonding and the chance to engage in wild activities. I have always been a strong introvert and the alcohol was a "social lubricant" that allowed me to push my boundaries. There was a history of alcohol abuse in my family, so it was something that worried me. I know that the child of an alcoholic is three times more likely to be an alcoholic than those without an alcoholic parent. While I definitely did abuse alcohol through binge drinking, I am not an alcoholic. It is easy to say in hindsight after 20 years, but that may not have been clear to others at the time, or maybe even to myself.

    But I never did drink much when I was seeing someone. I had no desire to make an ass of myself in front of a woman for whom I cared. In fact, I met one of my girlfriends at a party when we were both stinkin' drunk and just started making out (we hadn't even introduced ourselves). From such a crazy beginning, we went on to date for 5 months, but I was never drunk in her presence again (even though I think that she would have preferred for us to both let loose every now and then).

    It seems like you are a nice woman and this ISTP probably has no idea of what his is missing out on. I can't say that I have any advice for you. I have a hard time now thinking of what I could say to my 21-year-old self that would knock me out of my comfort zone without the crutch of alcohol.

    But I hope that you don't him too harshly for his drinking. I doubt that he drinks more than I used to (not many people do), and I think that I turned out okay.
    No, this is the best advice you could've given me. I really appreciate the fact that you're able to see so well into your past. This ISTP guy never purposefully drank in front of me (I happened to walk into a party once) and I never saw him drunk, which I was proud of him for. He said before we were dating he would make out with random girls when he got drunk, but that he now felt like it was a stupid idea (mostly because he was too drunk to enjoy the fact that he was making out :rolli, but his friends immediately knew we were dating by the fact that he let me touch him while he was sober. Apparently he had a really high personal boundary that I never experienced because he really cared about me.

    We were able to talk about our relationship in little sentences late at night when we were alone, but there were times when he would panic and tell me to ignore everything he just said because he thought he was making stuff up. I think this made me think he was superficial, but now I get that he just really didn't want to talk about feelings. I wish I could tell him I understand. ): Maybe I'll get a chance, one day. But it's so hard to talk to him about anything deep now.

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