[NF] Sensitivity and fear of rejection in foruming. Anyone else?

[cascadeco]

Oh sure, definitely. My need for feeling connected to people, and for feeling understood, is quite strong, and I rarely experience it in real life - or on forums either, actually. Part of the fear's probably imagined (as in, I know there are people on here I connect well with, I just sometimes forget that), but part of it's real too (as in, I know there are people on here who don't like me and who I annoy the crap out of). And, self-imposed to some degree, maybe (as in, if I was more socially savvy and less cautious, I'd be less worried, my best self would shine through more often, I'd be confident, and thus wouldn't be fearful and wouldn't care, so the whole thing would be a non-issue).

So yeah, I definitely edit posts, re-edit, sometimes hold back, and quite often think no one relates to anything I write and I'm just a big weirdo who no one relates with because people *don't* quote me. Haha!! So how's that for you? Some cringe at being quoted, and here I am, thinking most of my posts fall into the black abyss of internet nothingness, and feel I'm a total alien half the time.

 

[Scott N Denver]

So yeah, I definitely edit posts, re-edit, sometimes hold back, and quite often think no one relates to anything I write and I'm just a big weirdo because people *don't* quote me. Haha!! So how's that for you? Some cringe at being quoted, and here I am, thinking most of my posts fall into the black abyss of internet nothingness, and feel I'm a total alien half the time.

I'll quote you, there do you feel better or more valued now?

I know I've started quite a few threads that had short or miniscule lifetimes...

 

[Jaguar]

So yeah, I definitely edit posts, re-edit, sometimes hold back, and quite often think no one relates to anything I write and I'm just a big weirdo who no one relates with because people *don't* quote me. Haha!! So how's that for you? Some cringe at being quoted, and here I am, thinking most of my posts fall into the black abyss of internet nothingness, and feel I'm a total alien half the time.

So what's this nonsense about no one quoting you?

 

[Scott N Denver]

So what's this nonsense about no one quoting you?

I know, totally. See, now its a quote in a quote [assuming it shows up].

 

[Oaky]

Must... care.. about... how people... think... about me....
Well if I'm going to get sensitive and emotional over a bunch of words I might as well do it in style.

 

[Scott N Denver]

So what's this nonsense about no one quoting you?

I could like quote her and put it underneath my text area and that way ALL of my posts would quote her. That'd be a lot of quoting! Then we could all be like "Cascade, yu SO popular!" [<-note asian lady accent there]

Somehow, I don't think that would be appreciated though...

 

[Snuggletron]

I could try and act like people's words and actions towards me don't matter, but they do. Even on a forum, I feel the praise from others or the critique from others quite well. For me, the internet can be a social outlet/replacement. If in reality someone's insult would hurt me, it will probably hurt me translated into text and put on a screen. Maybe not in the same way, though.

Just being honest.

 

[souffle]

Must... care.. about... how people... think... about me....
Well if I'm going to get sensitive and emotional over a bunch of words I might as well do it in style.

You call that style??

I could like quote her and put it underneath my text area and that way ALL of my posts would quote her. That'd be a lot of quoting! Then we could all be like "Cascade, yu SO popular!" [<-note asian lady accent there]

Somehow, I don't think that would be appreciated though...

Do it! It'll be funny!

So yeah, I definitely edit posts, re-edit, sometimes hold back, and quite often think no one relates to anything I write and I'm just a big weirdo who no one relates with because people *don't* quote me. Haha!! So how's that for you? Some cringe at being quoted, and here I am, thinking most of my posts fall into the black abyss of internet nothingness, and feel I'm a total alien half the time.

Having your posts ignored is just as bad. I don't want to be ignored, but putting your mind out there, and having someone notice it, quote it, and say their opinion of it, it also intimidating, especially for a newcomer like me. I think with more time foruming I'll get used to it. I hope.


Actually, the fact that you're dealing with strangers on foruming could be seen to make it MORE intimidating, because you have no idea what great, intelligent, better-than-you people you're dealing with, or who's going to jump out and disagree with you. Whereas with something like facebook, you know exactly what people you are dealing with and can predict how they will react.

 

[souffle]

I could try and act like people's words and actions towards me don't matter, but they do. Even on a forum, I feel the praise from others or the critique from others quite well. For me, the internet can be a social outlet/replacement. If in reality someone's insult would hurt me, it will probably hurt me translated into text and put on a screen. Maybe not in the same way, though.

Just being honest.

That puts it really well. I make fun of myself for it cos I anticipate others saying.. "But it's just anonymous, who cares, etc". But it is in fact a small piece of you you're putting out there, so it still hurts if someone criticizes it.

 

[Oaky]

You call that style??

Well it's certainly more stylish than anyone else who talked about feelings in this thread. If you still can't comprehend it then imagine a guy in the middle of a desert, throat all dry and helplessly crawling on the floor saying that while a shady figure awaits him under a palm tree on an oasis nearby. Should certainly be more stylish now.

 

[souffle]

Well it's certainly more stylish than anyone else who talked about feelings in this thread. If you still can't comprehend it then imagine a guy in the middle of a desert, throat all dry and helplessly crawling on the floor saying that while a shady figure awaits him under a palm tree on an oasis nearby. Should certainly be more stylish now.

Very stylish indeed.

And then someone insults us. "NOOO!" we say, and explode, leaving a puff of smoke behind.

 

[Oaky]

^

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

The question of anonymity and privacy is a difficult one because there are friendships formed here, meet-ups and the whole bit. I edit and delete posts for the sake of maintaining privacy or to try to clarify so someone else doesn't misunderstand my comment.

When I first started on forums a few years ago there were a few times I left confused and uncomfortable by the negativity of a reaction of someone. The times I let it get to me was because their behavior reinforced a larger negative world view I had about people. It just seemed like anywhere you go someone is going to do that same negative thing again. Over the years of interacting online, making friends with some negative people, and watching individuals go through various phases of behavior, I eventually learned that people come to forums with all kinds of things happening in their personal lives that is not evident through the text on the forum. This helped me see that even though I can make a mistake of saying the wrong thing or initiating miscommunication, people are so invested in their own personal realms that negative reactions typically have more to do with the bigger issues in their own lives, or their own negative world views about how others think and act, rather than something I happened to type.

I don't feel hurt by others online or irl when I remember this: "Be kind for everyone you meeting is fighting a hard battle." Plato

 

[souffle]

The question of anonymity and privacy is a difficult one because there are friendships formed here, meet-ups and the whole bit. I edit and delete posts for the sake of maintaining privacy or to try to clarify so someone else doesn't misunderstand my comment.

When I first started on forums a few years ago there were a few times I left confused and uncomfortable by the negativity of a reaction of someone. The times I let it get to me was because their behavior reinforced a larger negative world view I had about people. It just seemed like anywhere you go someone is going to do that same negative thing again. Over the years of interacting online, making friends with some negative people, and watching individuals go through various phases of behavior, I eventually learned that people come to forums with all kinds of things happening in their personal lives that is not evident through the text on the forum. This helped me see that even though I can make a mistake of saying the wrong thing or initiating miscommunication, people are so invested in their own personal realms that negative reactions typically have more to do with the bigger issues in their own lives, or their own negative world views about how others think and act, rather than something I happened to type.

I don't feel hurt by others online or irl when I remember this: "Be kind for everyone you meeting is fighting a hard battle." Plato

Thanks for that, it's got me thinking.

It's just as much their own interpretation and reaction to what you write, as it is what you write, perhaps.

Interesting.

 

[INTJ123]

How mean and negative of you...

lol call him an asshole, it doesn't hurt to be confrontational especially over the net. I think he was just trying to help you get over your fears.

 

[Economica]

Yes, an anonymous forum like this is supposed to be, well... anonymous.

No one knows who you are, you're just a random voice coming from somewhere that the readers couldn't really give a stuff about in their own real, personal life.

Yet I still sometimes feel insecure when I post something on here, or any forum.

(INTJ here, but I get to post if I can relate, right? )

To me it's precisely the fact that the audience is disinterested that renders foruming intimidating. I've never understood the point of view that since no one on a forum knows you or cares about you, their judgment of (you via) your posts means less. In my view it's the other way around: In real life people have all sorts of motivations for engaging and indulging you, but on a forum your contributions are judged entirely on their merits. The reality check of whether people care to respond to your posts and how they receive them brings out any insecurity you might have about what you bring to the table.

I'm reminded of the following passage in The Fountainhead:

He did not smile at his employees, he did not take them out for drinks, he never inquired about their families, their love lives or their church attendance. He responded only to the essence of a man: to his creative capacity. In this office one had to be competent. There were no alternatives, no mitigating considerations. But if a man worked well, he needed nothing else to win his employer's benevolence: it was granted, not as a gift, but as a debt. It was granted, not as affection, but as recognition. It bred an immense feeling of self- respect within every man in that office.

Incidentally, I feel pretty secure as a forum contributor now, but I definitely had nerves when I first started out. To paraphrase toonia, as you interact with people, eventually you develop a feel for when to take negative feedback personally and when to disregard it because someone is just having a bad life day. For instance, Jennifer was going through a pivotal personal crisis when she thought out loud of duct taping my mouth shut in that intro thread of mine D), whereas I couldn't rationalize the message of my first Nohari chart. (Admittedly I had successfully overheard the message up to the point where I did the charts. I'm INTJ; we can be dense that way!)

(Uh, I guess the first sentence in that last paragraph was the part where I related. )

 

[Amargith]

Totally can relate. Nanouk and Toonia explained the process beautifully and handed you the solution, imo. It's something I came to realize myself, not too long ago

 

[Silly_Siren]

Yeah I definitely agree, only now am I straying beyond the bonfire.

 

[Jaguar]

lol call him an asshole, it doesn't hurt to be confrontational especially over the net. I think he was just trying to help you get over your fears.

Who, Edgar? Lol.
I can't imagine this forum without him.

 

[Fidelia]

I've found that most people initially came here because of some event or person in their life that they were trying to sort out. Toonia makes a great point. Often their response is more about them and what's they're dealing with than about you.

While it's good to not be fettered by some of the usual factors that we judge people by: sex, age, looks, experiences, etc, sometimes we also are writing a little blind. It is easier to put a person's response into proper context once we understand their experiences, what they are coping with right now, their age, their level of security (or insecurity) and so on.

I've come to appreciate being given the opportunity to see who it is that either misunderstands me or that doesn't seem to hitch with me - often I've found it's more about them and the sum of their experiences. Sometimes we just need longer to interact. Sometimes I need to write more clearly. Sometimes I need to realize that they are interpreting what I say through their own framework and those words may be taken in a hurtful way that I hadn't intended or even thought of. If nothing else, it is a sample of the every day population and how to navigate through the minefields of possible misunderstandings or disagreements that come up. On the internet they are more likely to be expressed than in person, and in a way that's a useful thing.

If there's anything that I've noticed or learned from being here, it is that usually when I feel insulted or hurt by someone's words here, I or they are just missing some important piece of information that puts it into context. Secondly, I've noticed that when there is someone who persistently wants to pick a fight, dealing with it privately, or ignoring it is better and allows you not to get caught up in those negative feelings. Often it is either a misunderstanding of communication styles (I've learned a lot about INTP humour!) or else someone is taking out their edgy, unhappy feelings on whomever happens to be around.