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  1. #1
    "Everything in its place" fill's Avatar
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    Default To Other Types: How does it feel when an INFJ gives you the (super) cold shoulder?

    In many cases, I'll stumble across problems in my relations with people, and I'm usually the one to find it in me to let go of 'bad' things that have happened.

    However, I've found that I'll simply let go of people I deem as harmful to my being and completely avoid/ignore them and everything/everyone associated with them.

    So, I guess my question to those who have had an INFJ do this to them (if it's an INFJ thing at all): What does it feel like when somebody completely removes themselves from your life?
    "Poor bastard. Wait 'till he sees the bats. "
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  2. #2
    That chalkboard guy Matthew_Z's Avatar
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    From my experience, they're really bad at the approach. INFJs can't pretend to not care.
    If a deaf INFP falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

  3. #3
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    But Matthew Z, there is a point when at the very end of our string, having exhausted all possibilities and all hope and when the other person has acted in a particular way that the door slams on them. Not even in an angry, emotion filled way. Just a click and a forever locked door.

    However, it takes a considerable time to get to that point (or severity of bad behaviour). We aren't that great at tough love because we often look for reasons why people may have behaved as they did, underlying messages, or are looking to confirm that our perceptions are indeed accurate before just quitting on a person. I think we are aware of it when we are being taken advantage of and do allow it if we feel there is something still to be figured out, but it's not because we don't know the difference.

  4. #4

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    I'm pretty sure my ex boyfriend is an INFJ. When we broke up, all he told me that he felt that our relationship was unhealthy, without ever giving me much of a reason why. He had also NEVER told me how he felt during our relationship, so there was no way of me ever being able to know what was wrong and try to fix it, because I would have been more than willing to do so. We had such a keen understanding of each other, but at the same time, I guess I mistook that understanding for sensitivity, because this bastard was completely insensitive to me and my feelings.

    When we broke up, he pretty much unfriended me on Myspace/Facebook, blocked me, and deleted every single post and picture of us. I just thought it was the coldest thing ever. He shut me out with no warning, and didn't even give me a chance to do anything. It was completely unexpected. I'm still trying to recover from that, but I'll tell you now, that it feels pretty awful. I so desperately wanted to please him and make sure everything was okay, and had I known everything was not, I would have tried to fix it. You just feel crushed and unprepared and totally baffled, because you're not sure what the hell happened.

    So you INJFs... try to be more sensitive!! You don't realize how badly you can hurt someone, especially someone as sensitive as an ENFP.

  5. #5
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    I'm definitely guilty of doing this. I do it mostly out of self-defense - people can be so aggressive and controlling at times without even realizing it. I have a tendency to get overwhelmed by people who keep expecting and wanting something from you, something you can't or no longer wish to offer. The harder they try, the more I pull away. If someone is having negative effects on my state of mind, or is trying to take away my independence (whether intentionally or not), then I have to put an end to it.

    It's nothing personal, though I understand it's often taken that way.

  6. #6

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    That makes so much sense. Thats pretty much the way he put it when I finally got a chance to speak to him. But to me, I still found it difficult to accept. I didn't see how I was being a burden to him because he never told me. But he did say he felt that he felt like we were bringing each other down. He didn't seem at all affected by the break up, and left it really easily, probably the opposite of how an ENFP would feel. I wonder why it is that they're the ideal mates. I mean, if I dated another INFJ, and he pulls something like this, I swear I'm going to go ballistic.

  7. #7
    Badoom~ Skyward's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kyi View Post
    That makes so much sense. Thats pretty much the way he put it when I finally got a chance to speak to him. But to me, I still found it difficult to accept. I didn't see how I was being a burden to him because he never told me. But he did say he felt that he felt like we were bringing each other down. He didn't seem at all affected by the break up, and left it really easily, probably the opposite of how an ENFP would feel. I wonder why it is that they're the ideal mates. I mean, if I dated another INFJ, and he pulls something like this, I swear I'm going to go ballistic.
    We INFJs are great at making it seem like it doesnt faze us, even if its a kidneyshot to the emotions. But anyways, communication is a major thing in relationships. All you need to do is find a less I INFJ (And the fact he wasn't communicating the problems was also a red flag in the relationship)
    'Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.' - Marilyn Monroe

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    Anthropology Major out of Hamline University. St. Paul, Minnesota.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kyi View Post
    I'm pretty sure my ex boyfriend is an INFJ. When we broke up, all he told me that he felt that our relationship was unhealthy, without ever giving me much of a reason why. He had also NEVER told me how he felt during our relationship, so there was no way of me ever being able to know what was wrong and try to fix it, because I would have been more than willing to do so. We had such a keen understanding of each other, but at the same time, I guess I mistook that understanding for sensitivity, because this bastard was completely insensitive to me and my feelings.

    When we broke up, he pretty much unfriended me on Myspace/Facebook, blocked me, and deleted every single post and picture of us. I just thought it was the coldest thing ever. He shut me out with no warning, and didn't even give me a chance to do anything. It was completely unexpected. I'm still trying to recover from that, but I'll tell you now, that it feels pretty awful. I so desperately wanted to please him and make sure everything was okay, and had I known everything was not, I would have tried to fix it. You just feel crushed and unprepared and totally baffled, because you're not sure what the hell happened.

    So you INJFs... try to be more sensitive!! You don't realize how badly you can hurt someone, especially someone as sensitive as an ENFP.
    doesn't seem like an infj

  9. #9
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    Hmmm, I just had a terrible nightmare last night regarding my ex bestfriend and ex boyfriend who both gave me the 'super cold' shoulder years ago...So why is this stuff still in my subconscious? Probably because it is so traumatizing, that's why.

    Anyhow, she was probably an INFP and he was probably an ENTP...I also had an ENFP boyfriend do the same thing...So I haven't seen much of a type correlation to this behavior in my personal experience. I do think it is a very callous way to act that shows that a person is very immature and selfish.

    I really dislike it when people seem to think it is a sign of strength or coolness that they are able to just give people the cold shoulder to protect their sensitivity. The fact of the matter is that they are actually the insensitive ones. It's one thing if the person that they are giving the cold shoulder to is really and truly terrible. In that case it is justifiable. Otherwise it's just not cool just as lying and abusing is uncool.

  10. #10
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    But Matthew Z, there is a point when at the very end of our string, having exhausted all possibilities and all hope and when the other person has acted in a particular way that the door slams on them. Not even in an angry, emotion filled way. Just a click and a forever locked door.

    However, it takes a considerable time to get to that point (or severity of bad behaviour). We aren't that great at tough love because we often look for reasons why people may have behaved as they did, underlying messages, or are looking to confirm that our perceptions are indeed accurate before just quitting on a person. I think we are aware of it when we are being taken advantage of and do allow it if we feel there is something still to be figured out, but it's not because we don't know the difference.
    As an INFJ, do you find it harder to give the super cold shoulder to family members?

    I know an INFJ who would benefit massively from excluding his brothers from his life, but at the age of 50 he still hasn't done it and it is still a source of great distress for him.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

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