[INFP] Why I didn't want to be an INFP

[brainheart]

Through the years I have noticed that if I truly open up and express how I feel, people think I am childish, immature, concerned about unimportant things, selfish, defending the wrong person/wrong cause, making things up, living in a fantasy world.

I think the perfect example of the INFP experience is the Calvin and Hobbes when he is signed up for baseball during recess. They put him in the outfield because no one wants him on their team. The teams switch, he's still in the outfield, he actually finally catches the ball and he's so proud of himself, but it's for the wrong team so everyone yells at him and tells him he's an idiot. I still have a hard time reading that comic, it resonates far too well.

The only time I feel like I am appreciated by others is when I listen to them and help them out with their lives. If I ever try to talk about myself or my concerns, I'm a greedy bastard. The fact that I'm happy writing/playing music but don't care all that much about getting it published or being successful makes others wonder when I am going to 'make something of myself'. It's like I can't win.

And I'm sure many others are going to read this and think I'm whining. 'Fucking deal' they will say. 'That's life. Get over yourself.' Years of not knowing how to interact with others the way others seem to so naturally can take it's toll. It's exhausting and it's gotten to the point that I don't talk to anyone freely other than my kids, because I know they respect and appreciate me and aren't going to tell me my concerns or interests are a waste of time or ridiculous. For now, anyway.

 

[sunshinebrighter]

Through the years I have noticed that if I truly open up and express how I feel, people think I am childish, immature, concerned about unimportant things, selfish, defending the wrong person/wrong cause, making things up, living in a fantasy world.

I have noticed that too. I have several people in my life that has told me to open up and be honest. The moment I do open up, they give me the most negative reaction possible. Now I don't need people to agree with my feelings or my opinions, but I want them to acknowledge that I am feeling this way and they should respect that.

I end up closing myself off from those people again and they get confused why. Then when I explain to them why the process repeats again and I feel like shit.

The only time I feel like I am appreciated by others is when I listen to them and help them out with their lives. If I ever try to talk about myself or my concerns, I'm a greedy bastard. The fact that I'm happy writing/playing music but don't care all that much about getting it published or being successful makes others wonder when I am going to 'make something of myself'. It's like I can't win.

Wow.... This sounds so familiar.

People seem to think that a person's worth can be measured by the person's career choices.

I have a friend who work at Hooters. She is a nice hard working girl who treats her consumers very well. She is independent with her own apartment which she pays for by herself. She pays her own food and clothes too. As of right now she is happy with her life.

Once in a while we come across people who thinks she is worthless because of her job title. This gets me pissed. ANYONE WHO THINKS LOW OF OTHERS FOR WORKING HARD AND NOT BEING A BURDEN IN SOCIETY SHOULD DIE!!!!!!!.......

Ok maybe what I just said was extreme. The point is there are jerks out there who are so selfish to think that someone's career choice is suppose to "oohhh" and "aaaahhh" them for entertainment purpose.

 

[OrangeAppled]

Through the years I have noticed that if I truly open up and express how I feel, people think I am childish, immature, concerned about unimportant things, selfish, defending the wrong person/wrong cause, making things up, living in a fantasy world.

The only time I feel like I am appreciated by others is when I listen to them and help them out with their lives. If I ever try to talk about myself or my concerns, I'm a greedy bastard.

I have noticed that too. I have several people in my life that has told me to open up and be honest. The moment I do open up, they give me the most negative reaction possible. Now I don't need people to agree with my feelings or my opinions, but I want them to acknowledge that I am feeling this way and they should respect that.

I've experienced this as well. I've never been called whiny, to my face anyway, but I have been told by different people that I "have a wall up". However, when I respond to their attempts to get me to open up, they often just cut me off impatiently.

I guess that is why I take offense at the whiny label. I'm not allowed to be whiny even if I wanted to be. And yet, I hear tons of whining all around me. I'm the person to call up when you want to whine and get some support, because I will actually listen to people and not trivialize their feelings. I rarely get that kind of support returned to me though, and if I ask for it or fall for whatever trick they're throwing at me to "open up", then apparently I am self-absorbed.

 

[Udog]

Through the years I have noticed that if I truly open up and express how I feel, people think I am childish, immature, concerned about unimportant things, selfish, defending the wrong person/wrong cause, making things up, living in a fantasy world.

Yeah, I know how you feel. All it takes is a couple of influential people in our lives to do that to us for awhile, and it really screws up our head. Despite the progress I've made, when I open up I still feel like the person is judging me in that way, even when it's pretty clear they aren't.

The thing is that type of behavior often reflects on the person judging you more than it does on you. Did you ever wonder why they can't listen to your issues without judging you negatively, despite you having been there for them?

It takes a pretty strong person to be able to listen to another person's problems. Weaker people usually can't be bothered, and it's a shame INFPs automatically assume such people are better than us, just because they judge us negatively.

The only time I feel like I am appreciated by others is when I listen to them and help them out with their lives. If I ever try to talk about myself or my concerns, I'm a greedy bastard.

That's a pretty common INFP mentality, and something that makes it hard for us INFPs to value ourselves. Even our title, "The Healer", pretty much suggests that our value as people, and our 'role', comes from what we do for others. Well, what happens when we want to focus on ourselves for awhile? Do we lose our value at that point?

Yet another reason I think the INFP profile can be rejected by INFPs.

 

[Lauren Ashley]

Through the years I have noticed that if I truly open up and express how I feel, people think I am childish, immature, concerned about unimportant things, selfish, defending the wrong person/wrong cause, making things up, living in a fantasy world.

And I'm sure many others are going to read this and think I'm whining. 'Fucking deal' they will say. 'That's life. Get over yourself.' Years of not knowing how to interact with others the way others seem to so naturally can take it's toll.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think there is anything wrong with expressing feelings, including more melancholy feelings. I just noticed that there tends to be an overall pessimistic, martyr-ish tone to the complaining which does not seem at all proportional to circumstances; and in general there is more complaining than one would expect from the average person. INFPs aren't any more impaired in the world than are INTPs or INFJs, for example. Which is why I ask if there is something within the INFP type that makes them see themselves as being continuously hurt by the world, and that others are much better off than they. I think it's more a matter of perception than anything else.

 

[brainheart]

Don't get me wrong, I don't think there is anything wrong with expressing feelings, including more melancholy feelings. I just noticed that there tends to be an overall pessimistic, martyr-ish tone to the complaining which does not seem at all proportional to circumstances; and in general there is more complaining than one would expect from the average person. INFPs aren't any more impaired in the world than are INTPs or INFJs, for example. Which is why I ask if there is something within the INFP type that makes them see themselves as being continuously hurt by the world, and that others are much better off than they. I think it's more a matter of perception than anything else.

See, you say that, and I know I shouldn't take it personally, but I do. Maybe that's the thing; I take criticism pretty personally, even if it isn't intended to be so. Couple that with the fact that I pretty much feel the feelings of every living thing surrounding me, real or imagined, and it adds up. And then when I talk about these feelings I get shut down, so then I shut up, and I can basically have no release for every feeling out there for a big chunk of time, so when I finally do talk, maybe there is a twinge of the melancholic or the pessimistic or the martyr. It's like pressurized feeling, exploding. And it happens for me about once every few years. Maybe it seems more extreme at the time to others, but considering how my sister expects me to listen to her boyfriend woes for a good hour once every few weeks, I don't think it's all that extreme. (Other INFPs good to hear you relate in this respect.)

Imagine this: I don't know if it's this way for you, LaurenAshley, but opening my mail can be a semi-traumatic experience. Every nonprofit that rescues tortured tigers or cares for elderly impoverished Native Americans knows what a chump I am, so I am on leagues of mailing lists, asking for money. And I can't help but give. I try to be tough and not even acknowledge it, but there is so much suffering and hardship out there and I have it so good. I am putty in every one of their charitable hands, with their pictures of emaciated horses and stories of genocide. So I donate. But this doesn't make me feel good about myself, because those stories of the evil humans can do are stuck with me in a very visceral way and I can't just shrug it off. It becomes a part of my feelings, like it or not.

 

[Udog]

See, you say that, and I know I shouldn't take it personally, but I do. Maybe that's the thing; I take criticism pretty personally, even if it isn't intended to be so.

Yeah, I do too. I pretty much have accepted that I'm going to take the hit when someone criticizes me, and there's not anything I can do about it. (Actually, that's not true, but I don't like who I become when I toughen myself up like that.)

So I've just had to learn to accept that part of myself, and not use it as an excuse to listen to and ask for constructive criticism about my potential flaws. Once I shoulder the initial blow, I'm usually more open to evaluate the possible merits (or lack thereof) of their statements.

Couple that with the fact that I pretty much feel the feelings of every living thing surrounding me, real or imagined, and it adds up.

I get squeamish when I see a fly get killed. Seriously. I remember telling someone that once and getting joked pretty hard about it, and I remember thinking about how it's not like I chose to feel it. I just do. And I didn't really understand why their lack of empathy gave them the right to look down on me in that regard.

Still, it doesn't give me an excuse to not be functional. If a fly gets inside and is all over my fresh food with its germs, it needs to go down! Most people don't understand how much we have to overcome to do what to them, is very basic. (And I'm not saying that looking for pity either. It simply is what it is.)

 

[OrangeAppled]

See, you say that, and I know I shouldn't take it personally, but I do. Maybe that's the thing; I take criticism pretty personally, even if it isn't intended to be so. Couple that with the fact that I pretty much feel the feelings of every living thing surrounding me, real or imagined, and it adds up. And then when I talk about these feelings I get shut down, so then I shut up, and I can basically have no release for every feeling out there for a big chunk of time, so when I finally do talk, maybe there is a twinge of the melancholic or the pessimistic or the martyr. It's like pressurized feeling, exploding. And it happens for me about once every few years. Maybe it seems more extreme at the time to others, but considering how my sister expects me to listen to her boyfriend woes for a good hour once every few weeks, I don't think it's all that extreme. (Other INFPs good to hear you relate in this respect.)

I can relate to this also. So many people do dump their issues on me that I can feel like I am carrying the emotional burden of many people, but I cannot even express it in words much of the time, or I am not given a chance to. I just feel it, and it builds for awhile, and on the rare occasion when I can express it, it probably seems a bit dramatic. Since I rarely have anyone who would listen anyway, I just write something or draw or play a song.

In a larger sense, I do feel like the weight of the world's problems are on top of me. I'm always visualizing ways to solve large problems in society. It's super cheesy to say that, but it's what leads INFPs to take up causes and fight for what they believe.

I guess if it gives a martyr attitude, it's because we do sacrifice a part of ourselves, our mental peace, to ease the minds of other people. Sure, we could walk away, but sometimes my empathy becomes engaged against my logical will. My sense of what is right would be violated to turn someone away when I am equipped to help them. The person is really just a symbol to me of something greater.

 

[Udog]

I can relate to this also. So many people do dump their issues on me that I can feel like I am carrying the emotional burden of many people, but I cannot even express it in words much of the time, or I am not given a chance to. I just feel it, and it builds for awhile, and on the rare occasion when I can express it, it probably seems a bit dramatic. Since I rarely have anyone who would listen anyway, I just write something or draw or play a song.

I've often felt like an emotional sponge, soaking up the negative emotions of others. If I'm not allowed to wring that out, it becomes saturated and drips all over the floor as I walk around and go about my life.

I sort of consider INFPs to be to the emotional what ESTPs are to the physical. Think about it.

 

[Lauren Ashley]

Thanks for the replies, you all. It's similar to what I've heard from other INFPs, and I can definitely relate to some of what you've said. I'll be watching this thread if you have anything else to add. It's been a very successful thread thus far.

 

[Scott N Denver]

I don't feel like I have much to add, but I'll throw a little in...

Whether its my background or being more analytical, or having been pushed really hard, or having been in some rather bad situations, or all of the above, or others, but I will say that one thing that has always helped for me, at least with objective situations is to look at a situation and ask "Ok, what is the best that I can really do here??? How can I achieve that? Ok, formulate plan and implement it." There are others things where I'm really not good at that. For example, I keep wanting people to change and be more friendly, polite, open, caring, etc. But plenty of people [cough, NTJ's, cough] don't place positive value on those things, and further see them as detrimental or dangerous [cough, STJ's too, cough].

Our idealism. Goodness it knows no bounds sometimes...
Followed by "if I just tried more, my idealistic visions/desires would materialize, I MUST try harder "

I know people that when your feeling down you can talk to them and they'll listen and say your piece, others are like "quit your whining! look how good you have it, you whiny loser, now shut up! Your whininess insults and offends me! " :steam: :steam: :steam: I guess thats not really adding anything, I just wanted to reiterate it

I think we look for "openings" to help others [moral encouragement and the like], but when we need said encouragement and "put out signs" displaying that, others don't recognize the signs or don't care. So we feel like it's not a two-way street, and then those relationships feel unsymmetrical/unfair. And thats makes us upset "We tried [and probably succeeded! ]for you, so why won't you try for us???"

 

[Bubbles]

I tested as an INFP when I was sixteen.... I was a total INFP child... and yet I have spent the last nine months trying to prove to myself and others that I am a succession of other personality types- INTP, INFJ, INTJ, ISFP, ISTP, ENFP.

Why? Why am/was I so adamant against being an INFP?

Possibilities:

1. They can seem so full of themselves sometimes... elitist, condescending, superior, judgmental, etc, or at the least, profoundly self-absorbed. (Pot calling the kettle black? )

2. It seems like such a cliche to be an INFP, especially when you are a writer (which I am) and have thought about being an English teacher, musician, artist. I want to be a contradiction, not one of the mold, which is such an INFP thing, non?

3. I am not spiritual.

4. I don't have a deep-seated desire to help others, although I am constantly rescuing insects, mice, etc.

I know there's more, but I don't feel like expounding at the moment. Besides, I'm curious as to whether other's have had this issue, INFP or not.

Have any of you not wanted to be the type you actually are?

Welcome to the wonderful world of INFPs.

I know I'm sure as hell guilty of that first one, and it's because I'm 4w3. I want to express myself in unique ways, but I also want to be recognized and praised for it. And yes, I do have a bruisable ego, I admit it. But I usually have my sulking moment, take deep breaths, and move on. Let me be a drama queen for five minutes, eh?

We're writers mostly because writing is a mode of expression. Same goes for art. Same goes for dance. Same goes for...lots of artsy stuff. INFPs like being unique, because we're highly 4s, and what better way than showing our thoughts and feelings in tangible form?

I have to say though, I like being INFP. It suits me. Feels like comfy slippers I know I'll never quite wear out. (I used to want to be ENFP though, they seem much more c'est la vie...)

 

[William K]

That's a pretty common INFP mentality, and something that makes it hard for us INFPs to value ourselves. Even our title, "The Healer", pretty much suggests that our value as people, and our 'role', comes from what we do for others. Well, what happens when we want to focus on ourselves for awhile? Do we lose our value at that point?

I read somewhere, I believe it was from a Mercedes Lackey novel, where a characters asks "Who heals the healer?". The answer was the people that they heal and the process of helping others itself. That sustains a healer most of the time I guess but there really are times when instead of being the shoulder to cry on, we want a shoulder to cry on as well.

This poem written by a 10 year old(!) seems apt here
Healing the Healer - Poem of Inspiration

 

[brainheart]

I get squeamish when I see a fly get killed. Seriously. I remember telling someone that once and getting joked pretty hard about it, and I remember thinking about how it's not like I chose to feel it. I just do. And I didn't really understand why their lack of empathy gave them the right to look down on me in that regard.

Udog- totally relate. When I was little I punched a friend in the stomach when she stepped on a grasshopper. "What did it ever do to you?" I screamed at her and after she got over the stun of practically having the wind knocked out of her (I punched her with all of my sixty-pound might), she laughed at me, because to her I was pretty much ridiculous and insane (the looking down of which you speak).

I am not religious, but I think sometimes of what it says in the Bible about God watching over even the smallest sparrow, and I can relate. Sometimes I buck up and kill things (earwigs in my house, for example), but I rescue as much as possible. And when I do kill something as gross as an earwig, I still feel bad. I mean, who am I to judge whether the earwig lives or not? It can get a little ridiculous. I always tell them sorry, at least. Same with mosquitoes. It's not their fault; they're just doing what they do.

Also, I was thinking of using the sponge analogy, too, when I wrote my earlier post! Funny.

So many good posts on here. Very cool.

 

[runvardh]

I've gone the unhealthy jaded route and and said fuck the world. Not the best option, but if I can't bitch, no one can. I laugh at the people who think we should be spending millions on getting water to people in Africa while millions under our noses go with out job or home as we toss pennies at them that they later shoot into their arm. If I don't have the resources to buy the dude on the street corner a sandwich I don't have enough to dig some people I'll never see a well. Anyone who wants to call me "walled off" or cold, I'm tempted to say, can learn to deal or suck my shlong and like it. Makes for a lonely existence, but I'm losing the energy to bother when reaching out isn't reciprocated.

 

[johnlweitzel]

Personality type is something you are born with but it can be squashed or nurtured by your environment. We live in a world where SJs and NTs make the most money and get the most accolades. NF males are seen as feminine oftentimes and it took me well into my 30's to recognize this. It wasn't until I met a retired INFP Lt. Colonel of Marines that I realized how masculine an INFP can be.

Some things to keep in mind:
1. INFPs by nature do not want to be boxed in or labeled (I don't think any "P" type does).
2. Personality measurements before the age of 25 are often wrong due to a number of factors including answering questions to please others rather than reflecting ones own understanding of self.

Oh my God, I made a list, I need to go cleanse myself.

JOhn

 

[Udog]

It wasn't until I met a retired INFP Lt. Colonel of Marines that I realized how masculine an INFP can be.

What was he like? Care to describe him a bit?

I think one issue male INFPs struggle with is finding exemplary role models we relate to and can learn from. Not all of us have the talents or interests of Johnny Depp or William Shakespeare.

 

[phthalocyanine]

i think the sense of honor in sticking to your beliefs no matter what, especially through hardship, is a very INFP and very 'masculine' trait.

 

[brainheart]

Oh my God, I made a list, I need to go cleanse myself.

JOhn

Are you kidding me? I love making lists! I just don't usually follow them. But sometimes I do, like once a month, and then I'm so proud of myself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by johnlweitzel
It wasn't until I met a retired INFP Lt. Colonel of Marines that I realized how masculine an INFP can be.
What was he like? Care to describe him a bit?

Yeah, I want to know, too.

 

[William K]

i think the sense of honor in sticking to your beliefs no matter what, especially through hardship, is a very INFP and very 'masculine' trait.

Well, most people will call it stubborness
I did a profiling test (DISC) for my job once, and the guy who administered the test took one look at the results and said I was mule-headed