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  1. #1
    Senior Member AutumnReverie's Avatar
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    Default How does an INFJ show interest in someone?

    I'm currently interested in a male INFJ. The problem is...I have no idea how to tell if he's interested in me (romantically) at all. Being an ISTJ, I already have trouble recognizing if someone's interested in me , but it seems like this INFJ in particular is very difficult to figure out. One day I think he might like me...the next day, I'm not as sure. I'd like to be more than 70% sure before deciding to put myself out there even more than I already have (which hasn't been much since I'm shy enough as it is in these situations). At the moment, I'm only 50% sure.

    Anyways, if you all would help me out I would very much appreciate it. Oh and situation-specific details can be given upon request. Obviously, I already have a word document with my version of a Pro/Con list uploaded and on standby haha (i.e. categories: "signs that he does like me as a friend", "signs that he likes me romantically", and "signs that he doesn't like me romantically" list with specific examples under each category). I love lists...sorry.

    TO INFJs (preferably males, but females can answer as well):
    1. How would you try to catch the eye of another person?
    2. Would you ever ask somebody out before they had demonstrated distinct interest in you?
    3. Once you have made contact, do you try to define the dating relationship? Or do you go with the flow?
    4. On a first date, how do you usually act?
    5. How would you like to be approached/asked out by an interested person?
    6. How long does it take for you to decide to date exclusively?
    7. What do you do that you consider a "dead give-away" that you like somebody?
    8. How often do you take the initiative/make the first move/ask someone out?
    9. What would be your ideal date (activity)?
    10. How should one go about pursuing you?

    ULTIMATE QUESTION: (if you'd rather just answer one instead of ten)
    How do you show interest in someone?

    Also if other types want to jump in that's fine too. My personal situation aside, I'm definitely interested in seeing how other types would answer these questions as well!

    Edited to add: Our ages (if it matters): I'm about to turn 21, he's about to turn 20.
    Last edited by AutumnReverie; 09-28-2009 at 03:28 PM.
    After all,
    you're my wonderwall...

    {listen: }

  2. #2
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Read Wyst's blog in the NF section. He's an INFJ and most of those questions are covered in one way or another. Other than that Peguy? Pitseleh? What've you got to say?

  3. #3
    Senior Member AutumnReverie's Avatar
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    Read Wyst's blog in the NF section. He's an INFJ and most of those questions are covered in one way or another.
    Thanks! I'll check it out. I'd still love to hear from others though as well...
    After all,
    you're my wonderwall...

    {listen: }

  4. #4
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AutumnReverie View Post
    I'd still love to hear from others though as well...
    From female INFJs?

  5. #5
    Senior Member AutumnReverie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lauren Ashley View Post
    From female INFJs?
    Sure! The male INFJ perspective would probably be most applicable to my problem, but female INFJ is still INFJ, right? So I'd love to hear it.
    After all,
    you're my wonderwall...

    {listen: }

  6. #6
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AutumnReverie View Post
    Have any of you female INFJs (or other types) had romantic experiences with male INFJs? [...]Maybe I should get his advice as well though?
    Nope. I know a male INFJ who is in a relationship with a female ENTP. He is quiet and somewhat shy, but she was very obvious about her interest in him, so it allowed him to open up a bit more. You still may want to get the advice of your friend.

    Now for your questions...

    1. How would you try to catch the eye of another person?
    I'll talk to the guy, be very attentive to anything he says or does, smile, laugh, etc. Subtle, but not. Sometimes I have to be more forward with introverts. But I'm not going to do anything grandiose. I usually watch the person to see what they're like before making my move.

    2. Would you ever ask somebody out before they had demonstrated distinct interest in you?
    No, I try to cut my losses.

    3. Once you have made contact, do you try to define the dating relationship? Or do you go with the flow?
    If we've been dating for some time, yes, I'll feel the need to know where we're headed.

    4. On a first date, how do you usually act?
    Like my usual self, except more open and overtly happy.

    5. How would you like to be approached/asked out by an interested person?
    Don't drop any cheesy lines, invade my space, be too loud and boisterous. Just sincerely ask. But don't persist if it's obvious I'm not interested. That will only result in me trying to avoid you.

    To show his interest, one guy (ENFP) just kissed me on the lips out of nowhere, while we were talking. I just looked like , afterward. We did end up in a relationship because I was already interested in him, however I wouldn't really recommend this...

    6. How long does it take for you to decide to date exclusively?
    Depends. If it's going very well, not too long.

    7. What do you do that you consider a "dead give-away" that you like somebody?
    If I ask personal info about the person or smile and laugh [more than usual], that's probably a hint. But there are no dead giveaways.

    8. How often do you take the initiative/make the first move/ask someone out?
    If it's a very introverted person, I'll make the first move. I probably won't ask them out, but I'll show my interest by doing the things I listed in number 1.

    9. What would be your ideal date (activity)?
    I don't think I have one. Anything that isn't too messy is okay.

    10. How should one go about pursuing you?
    Be consistent. Consistency is probably the biggest factor, because if you all of a sudden stop calling, talking to me, etc, I'm going to assume you're no longer interested.

  7. #7
    Senior Member AutumnReverie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lauren Ashley View Post
    Nope. I know a male INFJ who is in a relationship with a female ENTP. He is the quiet and somewhat shy, but she was very obvious about her interest in him, so it allowed him to open up a bit more. You still may want to get the advice of your friend.
    Thanks, I think I'll definitely ask him for advice as well.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lauren Ashley View Post
    Now for your questions...

    1. How would you try to catch the eye of another person?
    I'll talk to the guy, be very attentive to anything he says or does, smile, laugh, etc. Subtle, but not.
    Hmm, well he definitely is attentive when we talk. He's a great listener and also equally holds up his end of the conversation (and smiles, laughs, etc.). But how can I tell if he's doing this because he likes me as a friend or something more? Do you do something different when you're being an attentive to a friend-interest vs. a romantic-interest?

    Quote Originally Posted by Lauren Ashley View Post
    7. What do you do that you consider a "dead give-away" that you like somebody?
    If I ask personal info about the person or smile and laugh [more than usual], that's probably a hint. But there are no dead giveaways.
    Hmm, the last time we hung out he asked personal questions...but I'm fairly certain that I asked them first. Then after he answered and we had discussed/laughed/talked about that, he would turn the question back around on me and I would answer and he would ask follow up questions. I'm not too sure though, our conversations always kind of flow naturally from one subject and question to another. So I can't really remember that well who asked what.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lauren Ashley View Post
    8. How often do you take the initiative/make the first move/ask someone out?
    If it's a very introverted person, I'll make the first move. I probably won't ask them out, but I'll show my interest by doing the things I listed in number 1.
    What kind of "move" would you probably make, if not ask them out (other than just talking to them more and being more attentive)?

    Quote Originally Posted by Lauren Ashley View Post
    10. How should one go about pursuing you?
    Be consistent. Consistency is probably the biggest factor, because if you all of a sudden stop calling, talking to me, etc, I'm going to assume you're no longer interested.
    ...Oh, this worries me a bit. I started talking to him around April (I think) but I didn't actually realize that I liked him until recently. So my behavior definitely wasn't consistent because I was still thinking about if I liked him as just a friend or not. But, I'll try to be more consistent in the future now that I'm sure of what I think. Thanks for the tip and thanks so much for answering the questions! This has definitely helped a bit already.
    After all,
    you're my wonderwall...

    {listen: }

  8. #8
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    I'm female, btw. An INFJ nonetheless, though.

    1. How would you try to catch the eye of another person?
    If they were across the room, I'd probably glance over at the person and then look away. If we were in a small group together, I'd ask questions and be genuinely interested in their answers.

    2. Would you ever ask somebody out before they had demonstrated distinct interest in you?
    No. Never. I would if I were pretty sure they were interested, though.

    3. Once you have made contact, do you try to define the dating relationship? Or do you go with the flow?
    When I was younger, I went with the flow and let the other person dictate the nature of our relationship. Now, though, I'd initiate defining the dating relationship.

    4. On a first date, how do you usually act?
    I'd probably be nervously chatty.

    5. How would you like to be approached/asked out by an interested person?
    Ideally, in writing. That way, if I weren't interested I could explain to them through words that I wasn't interested but that that didn't mean they weren't a great person. In person, I'd be a stuttering mess. Most people don't like dealing with that kind of thing through writing, though, so I'd just want them to be direct.

    6. How long does it take for you to decide to date exclusively?
    I would only date exclusively. When I'm interested, I'm interested in one person until it doesn't work out anymore.

    7. What do you do that you consider a "dead give-away" that you like somebody?
    It's subtle. Eye contact is a major tell. I'm very affected by what's going on around me. When I'm having a conversation with someone I'm only friends with, I'm aware of noises and people around me and will often look to see what's going on in my vicinity. When I'm interested in someone, though, they're all I see. My focus is laser-sharp and I look them in the eye and will only very occasionally break eye contact. If I remember seemingly insignificant details about someone, I'm interested. If I initiate conversation with someone without waiting for them to approach me, I'm interested.

    8. How often do you take the initiative/make the first move/ask someone out?
    Never. I never have. I would if I knew I'd have to be the one to do it, but I'd have to be relatively sure they were interested, too.

    9. What would be your ideal date (activity)?
    Hiking in the woods. Doing someone outside that's one-on-one so that we'd be able to talk.

    10. How should one go about pursuing you?
    Ideally, going out of your way to spend time with me. I'm happiest when I'm spending time one-on-one with someone and I'm able to get to know them and what they think and how they feel and they're able to do the same with me. If someone initiated spending time with me and we got to the point where we were comfortable being ourselves, be direct and tell me how you feel. You probably would already have me.

  9. #9
    Senior Member AutumnReverie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by istina View Post
    2. Would you ever ask somebody out before they had demonstrated distinct interest in you?
    No. Never. I would if I were pretty sure they were interested, though.
    Are there any specific signs you look for to tell if someone's interested? I don't really know how to flirt (and I usually don't try) so I doubt guys even know what I'm thinking. My male INFJ best friend actually told me this past summer that I'm very hard to read...and he's known me for 3 years! But I definitely want to let this guy know that I'm interested without being too obvious about it.

    Quote Originally Posted by istina View Post
    4. On a first date, how do you usually act?
    I'd probably be nervously chatty.
    The last time we hung out...I think that's how I was. Hopefully it wasn't a huge turn off though...

    Quote Originally Posted by istina View Post
    7. What do you do that you consider a "dead give-away" that you like somebody?
    It's subtle. Eye contact is a major tell. I'm very affected by what's going on around me. When I'm having a conversation with someone I'm only friends with, I'm aware of noises and people around me and will often look to see what's going on in my vicinity. When I'm interested in someone, though, they're all I see. My focus is laser-sharp and I look them in the eye and will only very occasionally break eye contact. If I remember seemingly insignificant details about someone, I'm interested. If I initiate conversation with someone without waiting for them to approach me, I'm interested.
    Hm well the last time we went out to dinner, I didn't notice him looking around at other people. In fact, he didn't even notice that we were the last ones in the restaurant and that the restaurant was closing until I pointed it out to him. Then he was like "Really?" and looked around to see the waiters putting up chairs and such, haha.

    As for the insignificant details...he remembered that I don't like chocolate and he remembered something I asked him back in May. But I think there was also something else that he didn't remember though...like I think he forgot that I was partially lactose intolerant. So I don't know...I guess it could go either way.

    Quote Originally Posted by istina View Post
    10. How should one go about pursuing you?
    Ideally, going out of your way to spend time with me. I'm happiest when I'm spending time one-on-one with someone and I'm able to get to know them and what they think and how they feel and they're able to do the same with me. If someone initiated spending time with me and we got to the point where we were comfortable being ourselves, be direct and tell me how you feel. You probably would already have me.
    Thanks for the advice! I'll definitely take it into consideration. And if I become at least 70%+ sure that he likes me, I'll try to push myself to just be direct and tell him how I feel.
    After all,
    you're my wonderwall...

    {listen: }

  10. #10
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AutumnReverie View Post
    Hmm, well he definitely is attentive when we talk. He's a great listener and also equally holds up his end of the conversation (and smiles, laughs, etc.). But how can I tell if he's doing this because he likes me as a friend or something more? Do you do something different when you're being an attentive to a friend-interest vs. a romantic-interest?
    Hmmm...I guess with friends I'm more silly. With a romantic interest, it's more like giggly, girly laughter and smiles with wubbie eyes -->

    What kind of "move" would you probably make, if not ask them out (other than just talking to them more and being more attentive)?
    Other than that, I'll try to be in their presence more often, do nice things for them, etc. Just make it more obvious that I'm interested in them. I wouldn't ask someone out before I knew them very well, so this also helps in getting to know them.

    ...Oh, this worries me a bit. I started talking to him around April (I think) but I didn't actually realize that I liked him until recently. So my behavior definitely wasn't consistent because I was still thinking about if I liked him as just a friend or not. But, I'll try to be more consistent in the future now that I'm sure of what I think.
    That's okay. You weren't actively pursuing him, so no harm, no foul.

    *I read question 6 wrong. I interpreted it as "decide to be in a relationship with them." But as far as dating, I'm with istina; I only date one person at a time.

    Quote Originally Posted by AutumnReverie View Post
    The last time we hung out[...]well the last time we went out to dinner.
    You two have been to dinner already? That's a good sign. He probably knows you're interested in him, and might be interested in you as well. INFJs don't go out of their way to engage people they're not interested in.

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