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  1. #111
    Senior Member AutumnReverie's Avatar
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    Hi, BlackCat! Thanks for answering.

    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    He's an INFJ. They are generally afraid of actually taking any action when it comes to romance. Lots of them don't actively show their romantic interest and rely on a partner to initiate.
    Ah, so I guess the appropriate question would be "How does an INFJ act when they're not interested in someone?" or "How can you tell the difference between an INFJ showing friendship-interest in someone and them showing romantic-interest in someone?" According to what input I've received here, he definitely has a general interest in me if he's setting aside time to be with him. But, how can I differentiate between friendship and romantic if he doesn't do anything obviously flirtatious or make an explicit statement of interest?

    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    With my INFJ best friend he was talking to me about his (now ex) girlfriend and stuff. He basically wasn't going to make a move with her, but commented on how he knew that she liked him. She was talking to him and stuff... he knew she liked him. But she had to make the move in conversation. And you're going to have to as well.
    Oh geez... that's not good. Have you ever seen an ISTJ initiate something like that? I try to avoid talking about or explicitly expressing my feelings and, if I do, I'll most likely be very blunt and awkward about it It must be my Fi and Te

    Oh well, the next time the opportunity presents itself I'll try to hold his hand or something . Last night, I was already more "touchy" than I usually am - which was really not much at all (i.e. whenever I wanted to tell him something, I would make sure to touch his arm or shoulder which is something I have not done in the past with him).

    Side Note: I know you all said that INFJs are usually hesitant to initiate something or make the first "move" (so I wasn't surprised or anything)...but I thought INFJs also will eventually make a move once they are sure of the other person's feelings? In your experience, do you find the feelings of ISTJs hard to read? I also, for the first time, saw that with his friends he is really quite extroverted and outgoing. So I don't think I can use the "he's an extreme introvert" as an excuse as to why he's being hesitant. Although, I guess whether or not a person is shy when it comes to romantic things doesn't necessarily have anything to do with their extroverted/introverted levels...?

  2. #112
    Crazy Diamond Billy's Avatar
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    1. How would you try to catch the eye of another person?
    I find INFJs to be kind of self conscious, like hyper self concious, everything they do, wear or say has the room in consideration already. When I want to catch someones eye I will usually find an opening, then start talking to them and if I am feeling the vibe I will usually start asking a lot of questions, and if that pans out well I might suggest going to dinner or something or getting a quick coffee to get away and see if we have chemistry out in the real world etc. Usually INFJs are slow to react to a romantic situation, we are worried about hurting peoples feelings and we are worried about how we come off, we are very subtle with how and what we say, but if we are interested we will definitely make time to be around you if we can and we will make sure we bump into each other in public. INFJs who suffer low self esteem have a hard time making a move.


    2. Would you ever ask somebody out before they had demonstrated distinct interest in you?
    What does distinct mean? i would ask someone out after I got to talking to them and I felt comfortable enough. But I usually dont mind going by cues like eye contact and body language.
    3. Once you have made contact, do you try to define the dating
    relationship? Or do you go with the flow?
    I generally go with the flow until I know whether or not this is a person I would like to date, unless its someone I know I don't want to date up front. Usually I will know within 2 or 3 dates at which point I will bring up the situation and check with the girl I am seeing and see how she feels, if its a go, its a go, if not then not.
    4. On a first date, how do you usually act?
    I usually bring my best face forward, I make sure I look nice I put a lot of effort into my physical appearance for a date because I want to make a good impression. As for how I act, usually I am curious. I tend to ask a lot of questions then relate to your answers with an experience of my own. I like to make witty and funny comments and connections too about stuff because in my experience I find if I can keep a girl laughing then things are going good. But overall I would say I act inquisitive and I act friendly and generous. I try to remain chivalrous but not look like a sucker.
    5. How would you like to be approached/asked out by an interested person?
    I would like it very much, it takes a lot of effort for me to do the same thing because I am so hyper aware of myself and I over think things. If a girl I like comes up to me and asks me out, I would be very excited.
    6. How long does it take for you to decide to date exclusively?
    earliest, 2 or 3 dates, latest 5 or 6 dates.
    7. What do you do that you consider a "dead give-away" that you like
    somebody?
    I call them..... on the phone.... no seriously. I never call I HATE the phone if someone can get me on the phone talking and talking and talking then Its pretty obvious to most people who know me I like you. But an obvious give away to you, would be that I would take an active interest in staying in contact with you and try to spend time with you.

    8. How often do you take the initiative/make the first move/ask someone out?
    As a male I am at a disadvantage here, I would say 8 times out of 10.
    9. What would be your ideal date (activity)?
    1st date? coffee at a nice coffee place, so I can talk to you face to face and pick your brain and figure you out and see if there is a connection worth making. 5th date, maybe something awesome like a drive down to Manhattan, dinner at Maze (Gordon Ramsays place) A walk through the park, maybe a broadway show, or a museam. Just something FUN.
    10. How should one go about pursuing you?
    Just be up front with me, dont give it all away right up front I like to be teased a little and I like flirting and I enjoy the 1st few weeks of a budding relationship a great deal. Just take things easy but be honest and be up front. If I am interested believe me I will be up front too.

    How do you show interest in someone?
    By taking an interest and making sure I am able to spend time with them.


    Also if other types want to jump in that's fine too. My personal situation
    aside, I'm definitely interested in seeing how other types would answer these questions as well!


    On a side note, I must say.

    I am an INFJ male and my roomate is an ISTJ male we have qualities that match up, namely our love for order and structure, we both keep the place clean and we are on time with our bills...

    other than that though we have a hard time understanding one and other at times. He doesn't see things the same way I do and we clash over this sometimes because I will have the right answer and he wont see it because he is looking at things way too literally. I am currently trying to help him find a girlfriend lol.

  3. #113
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AutumnReverie View Post
    Oh geez... that's not good. Have you ever seen an ISTJ initiate something like that? I try to avoid talking about or explicitly expressing my feelings and, if I do, I'll most likely be very blunt and awkward about it It must be my Fi and Te
    That's how it was with his girlfriend, who was an ISTJ.

    And the feelings of ISTJs aren't difficult for me. I imagine an INFJ will eventually confess their feelings as you said... but it would be much quicker if you did that. Traditional gender roles aren't gonna work in this case.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  4. #114
    Senior Member AutumnReverie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    That's how it was with his girlfriend, who was an ISTJ.

    And the feelings of ISTJs aren't difficult for me. I imagine an INFJ will eventually confess their feelings as you said... but it would be much quicker if you did that. Traditional gender roles aren't gonna work in this case.
    Okay, well then I will say something then! I'm committed to doing it, if it's the only way. I'll just tell him that I like him the next night we go out together one-on-one (which probably won't be next weekend since we both have separate Halloween plans, but most likely the weekend after next).

    But...I have no idea how to bring it up in the conversation or even what to say. I've never done it before, usually guys tell me how they feel about me, not the other way around. Help?

    I'm afraid that he'll say that he just likes me as a friend, but I guess knowing is better than not knowing. It seems like he has a lot of female friends and that he probably fulfills the "nice guy" role for them. So I'm still unsure as to whether or not he likes me or he's being nice just because he is nice, in general, to all his female friends. The one-on-one Friday or Saturday night dinner and/or movie outings though make me a little more confident about everything. So I'll go into it thinking about that.

    I'll just try and see.

    Thanks for answering my questions, Billy!

    Quote Originally Posted by Billy View Post
    I call them..... on the phone.... no seriously. I never call I HATE the phone if someone can get me on the phone talking and talking and talking then Its pretty obvious to most people who know me I like you. But an obvious give away to you, would be that I would take an active interest in staying in contact with you and try to spend time with you.
    This sounds exactly like the INFJ I'm interested in! He rarely ever uses his phone and he's horrible (self-admittedly) at calling people back or texting them back right away because of this aversion to his phone (I'm guessing). So, last week, I told him that I knew how he felt about texting but then asked him how he felt about talking on the phone, pro or anti? He replied "pro", to my surprise, and actually texted me multiple times and talked to me on the phone a few times ("just to talk", instead of just calling to say he's "on his way" or something) that weekend. So I'm really glad that I asked him about it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Billy View Post
    By taking an interest and making sure I am able to spend time with them.
    If you were interested in a girl in a friendly way, how would your actions differ in regards to trying to spend time with her?

    Quote Originally Posted by Billy View Post
    I am an INFJ male and my roomate is an ISTJ male we have qualities that match up, namely our love for order and structure, we both keep the place clean and we are on time with our bills...

    other than that though we have a hard time understanding one and other at times. He doesn't see things the same way I do and we clash over this sometimes because I will have the right answer and he wont see it because he is looking at things way too literally. I am currently trying to help him find a girlfriend lol.
    Haha, well hopefully he has better than d@v3 finding one! Oh, ISTJs...we really need to get better at this sort of thing.

    Hm, that's interesting about the INFJ/ISTJ roommate dynamic. One of my best friends (a gay male INFJ) currently is going to school in NY but told me that he's considering taking a semester off to work. He said that, if he does take a semester off, then he'd come over to my state and live with me (be roommates) because I'm the only friend he would want to live with. During the summer, I was over at his place practically all the time (spent the night a lot in his family's extra bedroom, woke up and made breakfast together, movie nights, etc.) so he's basing his assessment on how it was during the summer.

    Now I'm wondering how well it would really work out... Honestly though, we rarely ever have problems and he considers me to be one of his best friends. Although, like you said, the few times that we have had problems it was a communication problem and, honestly, the problem came from my side. I blame the N v. S

  5. #115
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Try holding his hand or some sort of physical move and see what he does. That may be a good pointer.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  6. #116
    Senior Member AutumnReverie's Avatar
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    Thanks! I'll try that. Although, I'm sure the moment will be awkward somehow (for me, anyways). I wonder how F's make this sort of thing look so easy.

    I wonder if there's a way for me to do it and still have an "out" if he actually doesn't like me or rejects the advance (i.e. be able to say "oh, I was just trying to hold your hand because of x, don't worry I'm not interested in you that way either...")

    Actually, two weekends ago I hung out (for the first time and in a group) with this ESFP(?) new guy friend and while we were in the car, I mentioned that I was cold and he held my hand to make it warmer. So we were holding hands the whole car ride, because of the temperature.

    So, maybe I should take a cue from the ESFP friend and try that with the INFJ guy the next time we're walking around at night, since it's been cold/chilly here lately. It works, right? Something that could be just "friendly" or possibly "more than friendly". Then I can just observe his initial reaction to it to gauge how he has interpreted it.

  7. #117
    Crazy Diamond Billy's Avatar
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    Autumn from what you have written it sounds like he is interested in you to some degree. like many INFJs he may be an ocean of feelings and thoughts of the future all bottle necked at his mouth waiting for the right time to come flowing out.

    Next time you are with him ask him if you can hold his hand. and look him in the eyes. It will give him a "now or never" moment in his head that most INFJs get right before they do something that they usually wouldnt do but the chance is tooo good not to. Most of my early relationships were like that and the girl had to make most of the moves on me, but every time she did and we moved to a new level and she showed me what was appropriate I always toed that line. So if she let me feel her butt or her boob or something I would feel pretty comfortable from then on doing that without too much hesitation because its "safe"

    If you want this guy you're going to have to take him, a lot of INFJ dudes need to just be "taken" a few times before they get comfortable enough with themselves and their experience to make moves initially.

    In response to your question of how I would treat a platonic friend over a girl I am interested in?

    I am intimately more nervous and self conscious around someone I have romantic interests for than I am around someone I am not. look for signs of that. Nervous = well prepared, possibly right on time, over generous, less prone to talking about subjects that might spark debate which is what we are trying to avoid.

    Not nervous = how I look and act when I go visit any other friend, I might not look as nice, I might be more domineering and controlling and extroverted. I will definitely not be afraid to speak my mind truthfully.

  8. #118
    Senior Member AutumnReverie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Billy View Post
    Next time you are with him ask him if you can hold his hand. and look him in the eyes. It will give him a "now or never" moment in his head that most INFJs get right before they do something that they usually wouldnt do but the chance is tooo good not to. Most of my early relationships were like that and the girl had to make most of the moves on me, but every time she did and we moved to a new level and she showed me what was appropriate I always toed that line.

    If you want this guy you're going to have to take him, a lot of INFJ dudes need to just be "taken" a few times before they get comfortable enough with themselves and their experience to make moves initially.
    Hm, this rings true. I basically had to tell him that I wanted to talk on the phone with him before he actually felt comfortable(?) enough to do it.

    Aah, okay I'll do it! Like I said, it may be two weeks till we have another weekend "date" but, when we do, I'll hold his hand (or at least let him know that he can hold my hand if he wants to ). Then, I'll be back here to report my happiness or my epic failure and/or embarrassment. Once I make a commitment or decision about something, I follow through. So this definitely will be happening .

    Quote Originally Posted by Billy View Post
    I am intimately more nervous and self conscious around someone I have romantic interests for than I am around someone I am not. look for signs of that.

    Nervous = well prepared, possibly right on time, over generous, less prone to talking about subjects that might spark debate which is what we are trying to avoid.

    Not nervous = how I look and act when I go visit any other friend, I might not look as nice, I might be more domineering and controlling and extroverted. I will definitely not be afraid to speak my mind truthfully.
    This explains a lot about how I saw him act last night, when we were with his friends. He was a lot more extroverted with the two of them (the guy and the girl) than he had ever been when it was just the two of us. Also, when the girl (his friend's girlfriend), who he's friend's with, started talking about psychology...he actually (playfully but still seriously) argued about some of the points and stated his opposing opinions without hesitation. That really surprised me, because I'm a psych major and just the night before I was talking to him about psychology related stuff and he didn't argue with me once...in fact he seemed interested and kept asking me more questions about different topics.

    There was definitely a contrast and I couldn't really figure out why that was. I just assumed that he was that way with them because he has known them longer than he's known me. I guess it could either be that or it could be your "nervous vs. not nervous" theory.

  9. #119
    Senior Member souffle's Avatar
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    I'm excited!

  10. #120
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AutumnReverie View Post
    Aah, okay I'll do it! Like I said, it may be two weeks till we have another weekend "date" but, when we do, I'll hold his hand (or at least let him know that he can hold my hand if he wants to ). Then, I'll be back here to report my happiness or my epic failure and/or embarrassment. Once I make a commitment or decision about something, I follow through. So this definitely will be happening .
    Personally, I like things very subtle. I'd wait until you're somewhere very private, preferably at home. You can be watching a DVD or something together. Make sure you sit on the same sofa, or on the floor with blankets around you. If he likes you he will try to sit very close, and you can encourage him to do this by, well, not moving away or shifting too much (because he might take that as a sign that you are not comfortable). Cold weather is the perfect excuse for this . Then, when he's right next to you, stay like that for a while, and then you can lean softly on his shoulder. This will be taken as a sign that you're physically comfortable with him. And... well, let him make the next move...

    This might not result in things progressing very rapidly, but if you've never 'cuddled' before, it would be giving him an incredible "Maybe she really likes me" totally dizzying heart-pounding moment of sublime happiness.

    If he still doesn't tell you how he feels, you can then look him in the eyes and tell him how much you love spending time with him, while you are still sitting really close.

    Okay, I've gotta stop fantasizing. Honestly, that's what I had hoped would happen in my case, with everything flowing naturally and feeling 'so right'. But those perfect moments are hard to come by in reality. Maybe he is waiting for the 'right' moment to tell you?

    On the other hand, if you do tell him directly that you like him and do not want to be just friends, he might be caught totally off-guard, but it will force him to tell you his true feelings. It might be slightly awkward, though, when he does it and you reach a "Now that we know that we like each other, what's next? Err.. kiss?" moment.


    Quote Originally Posted by AutumnReverie View Post
    This explains a lot about how I saw him act last night, when we were with his friends. He was a lot more extroverted with the two of them (the guy and the girl) than he had ever been when it was just the two of us. Also, when the girl (his friend's girlfriend), who he's friend's with, started talking about psychology...he actually (playfully but still seriously) argued about some of the points and stated his opposing opinions without hesitation. That really surprised me, because I'm a psych major and just the night before I was talking to him about psychology related stuff and he didn't argue with me once...in fact he seemed interested and kept asking me more questions about different topics.

    There was definitely a contrast and I couldn't really figure out why that was. I just assumed that he was that way with them because he has known them longer than he's known me. I guess it could either be that or it could be your "nervous vs. not nervous" theory.
    When I'm with other people, especially with a group of people, I feel the need to keep them happy. He might have felt the same way. Since he's the one organizing the get-together, he might have felt it was his responsibility to make sure everyone was having a good time. This often results in INFJs appearing more extraverted (e.g. playful, joking, more energetic) than usual.

    Also, he was probably trying to get to know you better and deeper by asking you questions about psychology. This is a very good sign! It means he really wants to understand who you are inside

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