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  1. #101
    Senior Member AutumnReverie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by souffle View Post
    Why this fear of appearing too desperate through repeated texting and asking about your hang outs? I think it's a nice subtle way to let him know you're interested, without making a bold move on him, which you don't feel ready to do right now.
    Oh, I just know how annoying it can be if someone (that you're not interested in) keeps texting you or asking you to hang out. So I'm always cautious not to do that to anyone else, since I know how it feels. But, I guess, if he does like me then there's no problem!

    Quote Originally Posted by souffle View Post
    And no, asking him where he hangs out for lunch is not bad or stalkerish. See above paragraph! And be honest, let him know that you're asking because you want to get that time with him that you're too busy to get anywhere else at the moment.
    Yay! Okay, I'll definitely ask him then because if we could see each other at least once or twice during the week, that would be great.

    Quote Originally Posted by souffle View Post
    Or you could just wait longingly and painfully until November, making the eventual hang out all the more satisfying. Cos of the abscence making the heart grow fonder stuff. And your survival throughout the no hang out period would be maintained through that good ol' subtely ish "Can't wait to hang out again" texting.
    I could do that...

    Definitely useful! Thanks souffle

    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    You sound like you're doing good.
    Thanks, BlackCat!

  2. #102
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    I definitely agree that for things to progress you need to show him that you're really interested, because even when you're genuinely busy, your INFJ might be thinking "Is she really busy or is she just trying to be nice and say she is busy so as not to hurt my feelings?".

    I agree with souffle that you can ask him where he eats lunch, but make it casual. "Hey, do you still go to x for lunch?" sounds cool. To make it really smooth, you could try to come up with something else to say about the subject, like "I haven't been there myself much -- I remember they make good x", to which he might pick up the cue and ask "Do you want to go grab x some time this week?". Or, you can say something like how busy you both have been and how you and him used to eat lunch together all the time but now it's a shame that you never do that anymore. If he's an INFJ, he should know what you're hinting at

  3. #103
    Senior Member souffle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AutumnReverie View Post
    Oh, I just know how annoying it can be if someone (that you're not interested in) keeps texting you or asking you to hang out. So I'm always cautious not to do that to anyone else, since I know how it feels. But, I guess, if he does like me then there's no problem!
    Yeah, I understand.

    I've just realised something I want to say to you- don't be afraid to make mistakes! You like this guy, and he's been giving you good signs so far. So being eager to make sure the next hang out time happens, feeling the need to contact him more often, or whatever, these are perfectly normal human responses, and I don't think anyone could blame you for acting that way. So if the absolute worst situation happens- he realises you must like him, doesn't like you back, and totally rejects you- at least you knew you were doing what you needed to do, and if it didn't work out, better luck next time. In fact, that's not even a mistake, it's just a learning experience.

    Advice another NF gave me once was "You just have to realise that the outcome is unimportant"- regardless of how it turns out, make sure you act in a way that is true to yourself and how you feel, and don't hold back because of fear, particularly fear of the outcome. The same guy also told me he doesn't worry about appearing desperate when he goes for people, he just goes for it- that's easier said than done though .

  4. #104
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by souffle View Post
    Advice another NF gave me once was "You just have to realise that the outcome is unimportant"- regardless of how it turns out, make sure you act in a way that is true to yourself and how you feel, and don't hold back because of fear, particularly fear of the outcome. The same guy also told me he doesn't worry about appearing desperate when he goes for people, he just goes for it- that's easier said than done though .
    I like this

  5. #105
    IRL is not real Cimarron's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by souffle View Post
    I've just realised something I want to say to you- don't be afraid to make mistakes!
    Hah, you're telling this to an ISTJ.
    You can't spell "justice" without ISTJ.

  6. #106
    Senior Member souffle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    I like this
    I'm glad! Thanks.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cimarron
    Hah, you're telling this to an ISTJ.
    Hehe. Everybody needs to be told! I need to be told! I torture myself whenever I make a wrong move!

  7. #107
    Senior Member AutumnReverie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    I definitely agree that for things to progress you need to show him that you're really interested, because even when you're genuinely busy, your INFJ might be thinking "Is she really busy or is she just trying to be nice and say she is busy so as not to hurt my feelings?".
    I'll keep that in mind.

    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    I agree with souffle that you can ask him where he eats lunch, but make it casual. "Hey, do you still go to x for lunch?" sounds cool. To make it really smooth, you could try to come up with something else to say about the subject, like "I haven't been there myself much -- I remember they make good x", to which he might pick up the cue and ask "Do you want to go grab x some time this week?". Or, you can say something like how busy you both have been and how you and him used to eat lunch together all the time but now it's a shame that you never do that anymore. If he's an INFJ, he should know what you're hinting at
    Thanks! I'll ask that. Probably next week though, since this week is midterms and I'm sure he'll want to study during any breaks (as will I) this week.

    Quote Originally Posted by souffle View Post
    I've just realised something I want to say to you- don't be afraid to make mistakes! [...] Advice another NF gave me once was "You just have to realise that the outcome is unimportant"- regardless of how it turns out, make sure you act in a way that is true to yourself and how you feel, and don't hold back because of fear, particularly fear of the outcome.
    You're right. If nothing else, this will be a learning experience. Hopefully, however, I can learn and avoid an awkward or embarrassing rejection moment...

    Update: So, I forgot to take the "text him while you're doing your busy night" advice and I felt bad because he did text me during that time...BUT I ended up replying when I got home (around 4am ).

    Anyways, we talked on the phone this morning and he asked me if I wanted to go with him to the football game tonight and I asked him if he wanted to rent a movie over at my place tonight. So, that's what we're doing now! An impromptu "hanging out". I said "maybe" to the football game, because I've got studying/homework I want to finish before we do the movie. But he said a definite "yes" to renting a movie tonight after the game. So I decided not to go with my original Saturday night plans (which was just a friend's party/networking with our sister universities' organizations).

    Wish me luck! Hopefully I'll get more of an idea about how he feels about me tonight. But you all have made me see that the signs look good, so I'm a bit more optimistic (but still cautious, as I do not want to be too greatly disappointed if he actually isn't interested in me). And thanks for the advice everyone, I'll try to stop worrying so much about looking desperate or making a mistake.

  8. #108
    Senior Member souffle's Avatar
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    Good luck!

  9. #109
    Senior Member AutumnReverie's Avatar
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    Thanks, souffle!

    Well, honestly, I've decided that I don't think we're "dating". He keeps using the phrase "hang out", so that's what I'll believe until he clarifies. I've decided this mostly because he hasn't really done anything "romantic-like" (i.e. try to hold my hand, explicitly say that he likes me, etc.) which is what would usually be the distinguishing factor between a "friends" get-together and a "more than friends" get together, right?

    Anyways, I still believe that progress is being made though, thanks to everyone's input!

    Thursday night "hang out": Last weekend, we ended up not doing the movie night thing because of upcoming midterms and his need to study for them. But we made plans to do it on Thursday night (during the week, because I told him that I'd probably be busy that weekend). So, Thursday night he came over to my place and we watched a movie, then talked for awhile afterwards. At the end of the night, he gave me a hug...at first it was a normal hug and then he squeezed really tightly (which surprised my hug-averse ISTJ-self ) but it was fine . After saying that he had a good time and enjoyed the movie and such, he said that if I ended up being free tomorrow night (on Friday), I could come with him and some friends to this musical performance (local singer/songwriter/musician) at a local theater downtown.

    Friday night "hang out": I called him and told him that I would go. He told me that he thought it would be a group thing but something happened and now it would only be me and him plus his friend and his friend's girlfriend...and he asked me if that was okay. I said it was fine. He offered to pick me up that night for the show and I told him that he didn't have to do that, but he said that he would. We went (he paid for my ticket when we got there) and it was really good, the performance was great! Although... he didn't really do anything obviously flirty or touchy (in my opinion) at all the whole time (which points me in the "friends" direction ).

    Afterwards, we all went to eat at this Irish restaurant. Again, I didn't really see any flirtatiousness coming from him to me the whole time. But he did pay for my meal and said "together" again when the waiter asked about the bill.

    Since both his friend and his friend's girlfriend live on-campus and I live off-campus, the INFJ dropped me off first. When we got to my apartment, he asked if I wanted him to walk me to my door. I told him that he could if he wanted to, and he did. At the door, he said he had a good time and asked if I did too. I told him that I did and that I thought the performer was amazing, because she definitely was. He said that he was glad and was hoping that I'd have a good time, and then he asked if I wanted her CD. I said that I'd love her CD! And he said that he would get it for me then. Then we hugged goodnight and he told me that he wouldn't be able to hang out again with me on Saturday or Sunday because he was visiting his parents on Saturday and he had to study on Sunday for his final midterm on Monday and a project, but for me to text him during that time.


    So...what do you all think? If he was interested in me, wouldn't he have said something or tried to make some kind of "move" by now? What's with the lack of obvious flirtatiousness? Perhaps he's been subtle, but I don't really read subtly well...I need things to be direct and blunt for me to see it. Right now, I'm thinking that perhaps he is still undecided as to whether or not he likes me, so he's trying to go as slowly as possible about the whole thing. On the positive side, he keeps mentioning things we "need to do together", like movies we have to watch together in the future so I guess that's a good indicator overall that he likes spending time with me at the very least.

  10. #110
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AutumnReverie View Post
    So...what do you all think? If he was interested in me, wouldn't he have said something or tried to make some kind of "move" by now? What's with the lack of obvious flirtatiousness?
    He's an INFJ. They are generally afraid of actually taking any action when it comes to romance. Lots of them don't actively show their romantic interest and rely on a partner to initiate. With my INFJ best friend he was talking to me about his (now ex) girlfriend and stuff. He basically wasn't going to make a move with her, but commented on how he knew that she liked him. She was talking to him and stuff... he knew she liked him. But she had to make the move in conversation. And you're going to have to as well.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

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