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  1. #1
    Senior Member Coeur's Avatar
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    Default INFP: Different person when assertive?

    Whenever I put my foot down with someone, I always hear: "You're like a completely different person! What happened to you? I want the old you back!"

    Now, I HATE hearing this because:
    a. I am the exact same person as I was when I WASN'T putting my foot down.
    b. I'm SO nice about it! I am never harsh or mean at all. I'm gently firm at best. I just happen to be gently firm while telling them something that they don't want to hear.

    My questions are:
    a. What might cause this accusation? Do INFPs turn into something else when their values have been stepped on?
    b. Has anyone else heard this before?
    Everybody needs love.

  2. #2
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    You may seem like a different person because this is what happens when you use your inferior. People don't expect you to suddenly do this because they're used to you being open minded, malleable and generally accepting.

    Inferior Te makes me a different person too.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  3. #3
    Senior Member Scott N Denver's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coeur View Post
    Whenever I put my foot down with someone, I always hear: "You're like a completely different person! What happened to you? I want the old you back!"

    Now, I HATE hearing this because:
    a. I am the exact same person as I was when I WASN'T putting my foot down.
    b. I'm SO nice about it! I am never harsh or mean at all. I'm gently firm at best. I just happen to be gently firm while telling them something that they don't want to hear.

    My questions are:
    a. What might cause this accusation? Do INFPs turn into something else when their values have been stepped on?
    b. Has anyone else heard this before?
    +1

    THey like all laid-back and accomodating and easy-going, then you get really assertive and, well, iots the opposite of those first items.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Coeur's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    You may seem like a different person because this is what happens when you use your inferior. People don't expect you to suddenly do this because they're used to you being open minded, malleable and generally accepting.

    Inferior Te makes me a different person too.
    Makes sense. That's what I figured.
    It just seems unfair somehow. I'm stretching myself to communicate with them, and so so nicely, and they are offended because I'm acting out of character.
    Everybody needs love.

  5. #5
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coeur View Post
    Makes sense. That's what I figured.
    It just seems unfair somehow. I'm stretching myself to communicate with them, and so so nicely, and they are offended because I'm acting out of character.
    Do what I did, do it more, they'll get used to it. But maybe that's an Se thing. I noticed the impact it made, and realized that they weren't really seeing who I was, so I started to do it more.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  6. #6
    Senior Member Coeur's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    Do what I did, do it more, they'll get used to it. But maybe that's an Se thing. I noticed the impact it made, and realized that they weren't really seeing who I was, so I started to do it more.
    Hmm... I guess that I'll have to start doing that. XD I'm getting better at this, but before I would let things pile up for months before I finally said something. I believe that both people in question were ENFPs.
    Everybody needs love.

  7. #7
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coeur View Post
    Hmm... I guess that I'll have to start doing that. XD I'm getting better at this, but before I would let things pile up for months before I finally said something. I believe that both people in question were ENFPs.
    Yeah you really don't need to let this happen.

    Personally I hardly ever let things build up, I almost always assert myself when something doesn't feel right (for good reason). I only let things build up when I think that things will solve themselves without my impact on the situation etc.

    For me in any given situation when I need to assert myself I'll just state my blunt opinion on the thing, or I'll just go about saying "No" with enough impact to make my voice heard. People used to get shocked (they would laugh at the bluntness's shock value), but eventually they just realized that this is who I am. That's the easiest way to do it. It took me a little while to get comfortable with doing it, but no one's going to hate me for my opinion, and if they do, well, screw them.

    How do you typically assert yourself then?
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  8. #8
    #005645 phthalocyanine's Avatar
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    you seem to already know that this is a real part of you and you don't buy into that 'other person' bollocks, which is good. never let somebody else define or confine you! if they can't see that you are trying to do the best you can in a given situation, it's their problem, not yours (INF's tend to blame themselves even when they shouldn't)..they'll probably get over it quickly anyway. especially if they're an ENFP..!

    i used to feel quite misunderstood a lot in a typical fi sort of way when my ti/te side took over and people would be shocked at the lack of soft, passive diplomacy i expressed..they certainly seemed to expect me to be less blunt. i thought that they had an unfairly narrow concept of me and it really bothered me. sometimes i blamed the misunderstanding all on their ignorance or presumptuousness, which may have been legitimate, but was not the whole picture..

    - what i didn't always take into account was that i could try not to only let my utilitarian, no frills thinking side out when there was a crisis or emergency kind of situation at hand, or when i was just pushed to my limits, and to try and integrate it more into my everyday interactions so people wouldn't get a jekyll/hyde vibe, or simply not recognise all these other parts of me because i let them out so rarely.. if that makes sense. i think some people are prone to believing that a ridiculous amount of compromise and self-restraint is necessary to keep the peace or something, but there clearly are problems that will arise from this thinking.

    sometimes this behavioral shift may involve confusing people or putting them off momentarily, but in the long run you're doing a favor to yourself and to them; you'll feel more balanced and understood, and they'll respect you more for being your caring, insightful self in their presence.

    "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.."
    -Oscar Wilde



  9. #9
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Because I am quiet, at first people mistakenly think I will be a pushover or do not have much to say. I really have an awful lot to say on certain matters, very formed opinions, and I will always stand up for myself and what I believe. This definitely surprises people. I'm sure on occasion it rubs them the wrong way, but I try not to be abrasive at all (because in typical INFP fashion I hate confrontation and I don't want to make people feel bad). I admit to being too blunt & direct at times, and this is probably Te rearing its head. Those are my fe-tard moments. I am much smoother when indirect, but sometimes hinting just doesn't cut it with some people.

    In the long run though, I find people form a respect for me. It also sets the boundaries, which are needed, because I also have moments of being a bleeding heart in which I can blind myself to the truth about people. There's been occasions in which my empathy made me a sucker & it let people cross the line, and so I usually define the line as early on as possible.

    I agree not to let stuff boil too long, and part of that means setting those boundaries from the start. If you give some people an inch, they will take a mile...
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  10. #10
    Senior Member Coeur's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    How do you typically assert yourself then?
    Lately, I just speak up. At this point, it is super difficult for me to keep things inside. I have had friendships fall apart because I let things build up, so I make SURE that I say something if it is really bothering me. I usually don't have disagreements with people, but when I do I just try to resolve it as clearly and directly as possible. In other words: "I feel ____ when you do ____ is there a way you could _____?" I also empathize a lot with the other person's position. "It's understandable that you would feel/do _____; is there a way we could compromise?" I'll sugar coat it a LOT if what I'm saying offends the other person for some reason. If I'm doing something, I explain why and I make my motivations clear. Although, I sugar-coat a lot less if they do something completely unnacceptable or if they push me for an extended period of time.

    So, as you can see, it's nothing that deserves the negative backlash that usually insues.

    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    Because I am quiet, at first people mistakenly think I will be a pushover or do not have much to say. I really have an awful lot to say on certain matters, very formed opinions, and I will always stand up for myself and what I believe. This definitely surprises people.
    Same here. I used to be super quiet [as in I didn't talk at all around most people], and when people "met" the real me they were like: "woah, she's really cool!" Everybody seemed so surprised. XD

    I agree not to let stuff boil too long, and part of that means setting those boundaries from the start. If you give some people an inch, they will take a mile...
    Agreed. I've decided to start stating things from the beginning so that people don't form bad habits.

    Quote Originally Posted by phthalocyanine View Post
    i thought that they had an unfairly narrow concept of me and it really bothered me.
    Yeah, that drives me crazy. >_> I feel like: "these are the people who are supposed to love me and know me very well... and yet the second I show a different aspect of my personality, they're ready to bail." It's frustrating.

    i think some people are prone to believing that a ridiculous amount of compromise and self-restraint is necessary to keep the peace or something, but there clearly are problems that will arise from this thinking.
    Agreed. I become resentful and pull away if I'm repeatedly offended with no resolution. Communication=muy importante to me.

    (INF's tend to blame themselves even when they shouldn't)..
    True that. XD
    Everybody needs love.

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