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[INFP] INFP: Different person when assertive?

Coeur

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Whenever I put my foot down with someone, I always hear: "You're like a completely different person! What happened to you? I want the old you back!"

Now, I HATE hearing this because:
a. I am the exact same person as I was when I WASN'T putting my foot down.
b. I'm SO nice about it! I am never harsh or mean at all. I'm gently firm at best. I just happen to be gently firm while telling them something that they don't want to hear.

My questions are:
a. What might cause this accusation? Do INFPs turn into something else when their values have been stepped on?
b. Has anyone else heard this before?
 

BlackCat

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You may seem like a different person because this is what happens when you use your inferior. People don't expect you to suddenly do this because they're used to you being open minded, malleable and generally accepting.

Inferior Te makes me a different person too.
 

Scott N Denver

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Whenever I put my foot down with someone, I always hear: "You're like a completely different person! What happened to you? I want the old you back!"

Now, I HATE hearing this because:
a. I am the exact same person as I was when I WASN'T putting my foot down.
b. I'm SO nice about it! I am never harsh or mean at all. I'm gently firm at best. I just happen to be gently firm while telling them something that they don't want to hear.

My questions are:
a. What might cause this accusation? Do INFPs turn into something else when their values have been stepped on?
b. Has anyone else heard this before?

+1

THey like all laid-back and accomodating and easy-going, then you get really assertive and, well, iots the opposite of those first items.
 

Coeur

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You may seem like a different person because this is what happens when you use your inferior. People don't expect you to suddenly do this because they're used to you being open minded, malleable and generally accepting.

Inferior Te makes me a different person too.

Makes sense. That's what I figured.
It just seems unfair somehow. I'm stretching myself to communicate with them, and so so nicely, and they are offended because I'm acting out of character.
 

BlackCat

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Makes sense. That's what I figured.
It just seems unfair somehow. I'm stretching myself to communicate with them, and so so nicely, and they are offended because I'm acting out of character.

Do what I did, do it more, they'll get used to it. :D But maybe that's an Se thing. I noticed the impact it made, and realized that they weren't really seeing who I was, so I started to do it more.
 

Coeur

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Do what I did, do it more, they'll get used to it. :D But maybe that's an Se thing. I noticed the impact it made, and realized that they weren't really seeing who I was, so I started to do it more.

Hmm... I guess that I'll have to start doing that. XD I'm getting better at this, but before I would let things pile up for months before I finally said something. I believe that both people in question were ENFPs.
 

BlackCat

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Hmm... I guess that I'll have to start doing that. XD I'm getting better at this, but before I would let things pile up for months before I finally said something. I believe that both people in question were ENFPs.

Yeah you really don't need to let this happen.

Personally I hardly ever let things build up, I almost always assert myself when something doesn't feel right (for good reason). I only let things build up when I think that things will solve themselves without my impact on the situation etc.

For me in any given situation when I need to assert myself I'll just state my blunt opinion on the thing, or I'll just go about saying "No" with enough impact to make my voice heard. People used to get shocked (they would laugh at the bluntness's shock value), but eventually they just realized that this is who I am. That's the easiest way to do it. It took me a little while to get comfortable with doing it, but no one's going to hate me for my opinion, and if they do, well, screw them. :D

How do you typically assert yourself then?
 

phthalocyanine

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you seem to already know that this is a real part of you and you don't buy into that 'other person' bollocks, which is good. never let somebody else define or confine you! if they can't see that you are trying to do the best you can in a given situation, it's their problem, not yours (INF's tend to blame themselves even when they shouldn't)..they'll probably get over it quickly anyway. especially if they're an ENFP..!

i used to feel quite misunderstood a lot in a typical fi sort of way when my ti/te side took over and people would be shocked at the lack of soft, passive diplomacy i expressed..they certainly seemed to expect me to be less blunt. i thought that they had an unfairly narrow concept of me and it really bothered me. sometimes i blamed the misunderstanding all on their ignorance or presumptuousness, which may have been legitimate, but was not the whole picture..

- what i didn't always take into account was that i could try not to only let my utilitarian, no frills thinking side out when there was a crisis or emergency kind of situation at hand, or when i was just pushed to my limits, and to try and integrate it more into my everyday interactions so people wouldn't get a jekyll/hyde vibe, or simply not recognise all these other parts of me because i let them out so rarely.. if that makes sense. i think some people are prone to believing that a ridiculous amount of compromise and self-restraint is necessary to keep the peace or something, but there clearly are problems that will arise from this thinking.

sometimes this behavioral shift may involve confusing people or putting them off momentarily, but in the long run you're doing a favor to yourself and to them; you'll feel more balanced and understood, and they'll respect you more for being your caring, insightful self in their presence.
 

OrangeAppled

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Because I am quiet, at first people mistakenly think I will be a pushover or do not have much to say. I really have an awful lot to say on certain matters, very formed opinions, and I will always stand up for myself and what I believe. This definitely surprises people. I'm sure on occasion it rubs them the wrong way, but I try not to be abrasive at all (because in typical INFP fashion I hate confrontation and I don't want to make people feel bad). I admit to being too blunt & direct at times, and this is probably Te rearing its head. Those are my fe-tard moments. I am much smoother when indirect, but sometimes hinting just doesn't cut it with some people.

In the long run though, I find people form a respect for me. It also sets the boundaries, which are needed, because I also have moments of being a bleeding heart in which I can blind myself to the truth about people. There's been occasions in which my empathy made me a sucker & it let people cross the line, and so I usually define the line as early on as possible.

I agree not to let stuff boil too long, and part of that means setting those boundaries from the start. If you give some people an inch, they will take a mile...
 

Coeur

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How do you typically assert yourself then?

Lately, I just speak up. At this point, it is super difficult for me to keep things inside. I have had friendships fall apart because I let things build up, so I make SURE that I say something if it is really bothering me. I usually don't have disagreements with people, but when I do I just try to resolve it as clearly and directly as possible. In other words: "I feel ____ when you do ____ is there a way you could _____?" I also empathize a lot with the other person's position. "It's understandable that you would feel/do _____; is there a way we could compromise?" I'll sugar coat it a LOT if what I'm saying offends the other person for some reason. If I'm doing something, I explain why and I make my motivations clear. Although, I sugar-coat a lot less if they do something completely unnacceptable or if they push me for an extended period of time.

So, as you can see, it's nothing that deserves the negative backlash that usually insues.

Because I am quiet, at first people mistakenly think I will be a pushover or do not have much to say. I really have an awful lot to say on certain matters, very formed opinions, and I will always stand up for myself and what I believe. This definitely surprises people.

Same here. I used to be super quiet [as in I didn't talk at all around most people], and when people "met" the real me they were like: "woah, she's really cool!" Everybody seemed so surprised. XD

I agree not to let stuff boil too long, and part of that means setting those boundaries from the start. If you give some people an inch, they will take a mile...

Agreed. I've decided to start stating things from the beginning so that people don't form bad habits.

i thought that they had an unfairly narrow concept of me and it really bothered me.

Yeah, that drives me crazy. >_> I feel like: "these are the people who are supposed to love me and know me very well... and yet the second I show a different aspect of my personality, they're ready to bail." It's frustrating.

i think some people are prone to believing that a ridiculous amount of compromise and self-restraint is necessary to keep the peace or something, but there clearly are problems that will arise from this thinking.

Agreed. I become resentful and pull away if I'm repeatedly offended with no resolution. Communication=muy importante to me.

(INF's tend to blame themselves even when they shouldn't)..

True that. XD
 

Synapse

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The reason that this is unexpected you were a security blanket of sorts that could be used for them to assert their own ego self in a way that deprived you of your ability to assert yourself. Now I'm not saying this is true per say just that you learn a habit or stay in a health state that is contributing to the reserved low key stylistion, that everyone expects and suddenly when you assert yourself people are shocked and assume this is aggressive almost when the truth is you are starting to become healthy and set boundaries that used to be trampled on.

This tendency happens from our desire to be people pleasers and be harmonious with people of all walks of like which loses respect from some people who then love to trample on your boundary even more for being unassertive and test you to see what your limits are to establish their hidden rules for you. This is particular true for dominant personalities that love controls.

When you are unyielding, have an opinion and are suddenly able to stand up and assert thy will of course there is going to be tension. They will find this behaviour disagreeable now because it confronts their insecurity and why they are friends in the first place. And when you do become assertive while people may disagree you will change your boundary to what you want and people will respect this without trampling on your boundaries.

The trouble is the backward slope, lick a ricochet, you bounce from assertive to pleasing to assertive to back depending on your ability, health, attitude and comfort level.
 

runvardh

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It's called stop caring what they think about the perceived second person. They don't like it they can either make it so you don't have to activate Te like that or damn well deal with it. That's me though...
 

Udog

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Whenever I put my foot down with someone, I always hear: "You're like a completely different person! What happened to you? I want the old you back!"

Do people really say bolded part to you? If so, you may want to question what it is that person really likes about you.

And yes, I've actually been told the first part before. To compensate for it, I've learned to tell people when they are getting close to pushing me over the edge before it happens. That way, I don't blind side them with my brickwall side.
 

Coeur

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Do people really say bolded part to you? If so, you may want to question what it is that person really likes about you.

And yes, I've actually been told the first part before. To compensate for it, I've learned to tell people when they are getting close to pushing me over the edge before it happens. That way, I don't blind side them with my brickwall side.

Literally, I've heard things like: "you're not the person that I fell in love with" and "what happened to the old you? I want her back!" >_> Were these things said by manipulative people? Yes.

Yeah, I guess I'd better start easing them into it instead of switching between hot and cold... I figured it would make a difference if I'm nice about it, but I guess not. >_>
 

LEGERdeMAIN

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I get intense when I assert myself, or so I'm told. If I "put my foot down", I find that others become defensive. I think that my assertiveness is perceived as aggression, or the threat thereof, because I usually don't assert myself. Not that I let people walk all over me(again with foot references), it's just that I'm normally not put into a position where I need to assert myself. I have seen pictures of myself at a party when I was assertively asserting my place in a keg line, I do look kind of hostile, but I didn't mean to and I didn't feel aggressive at the time.
 

Udog

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Yeah, I guess I'd better start easing them into it instead of switching between hot and cold... I figured it would make a difference if I'm nice about it, but I guess not. >_>

For many, it doesn't. But at least you warned them, and you can feel 100% justified in giving them the brick wall.

Every once in awhile I get someone that listens and respects my request. Those people, I cherish and have learned to keep close.
 
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