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  1. #1

    Default new here, ENFP and coping with heartbreak

    I'm new here. I found out I was an ENFP a while ago and have been reading every description of them I could find. I would have to say most of it, especially the negative things, are extremely accurate about me.

    My (ex)bf broke up with me a few days ago, and I've been doing everything I can to take my mind off of him, but it is extremely difficult. I know I'll eventually get over it, and I know I could do better and that he was in the wrong, but it still hurts.

    I came here hoping for some advice and ways to be healthier. Right now, I am showing lots of the negative traits of an ENFP, particularly becoming stuck in obsessive thought loops and drinking heavily every night and trying to be around lots of people to take my mind off of things.

    The guy I was with had been a good friend with me for years, and like most male friends I have, they always think they're falling in love with me because they find me attractive and confuse our good friendship chemistry for lust/love or whatever. Well, I happened to like this guy as well.. I have no idea what kind of personality he is. I am going to guess ESTP. But anyways, he tried to pursue a relationship with me, and I felt like everything was going great and one day I find out he had cheated on me with his ex when we initially started dating, and I was willing to forgive him for that, but I had a nasty habit of bringing that up everytime I got upset at him. Eventually he couldn't handle me making him feel bad about it and said we were in an unhealthy relationship because we brought out the worst in each other. I didn't feel that way at all because it was so sudden and w/o warning and then he just completely cut me out of his life. Unfriended me on facebook and everything. I guess that is his way of coping with the situation, but it just hurt really bad and now I lost a friend and a lover.

    How do other ENFP's cope with heart break? How do you make yourself feel better or get over it? And why is it you always make the awesome friend that everyone thinks they WANT to be with, but it usually doesn't work out that way even when you give your all?

  2. #2
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    We have so much to give, it's so hard when it doesn't work out.

  3. #3
    FigerPuppet
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kyi View Post
    I find out he had cheated on me with his ex when we initially started dating, and I was willing to forgive him for that, but I had a nasty habit of bringing that up everytime I got upset at him. Eventually he couldn't handle me making him feel bad about it and said we were in an unhealthy relationship because we brought out the worst in each other.
    I empathize with him.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by SmileyMan View Post
    I empathize with him.
    Yes, I had only brought it up a few times, not like I was throwing it in his face everyday. And what he did was so much worse, plus the fact that he lied to me about it when I confronted him initially. What I did may have been wrong, but I didn't deserve that sort of retaliation. You would end an intimate relationship AND the friendship you had before over a simple little fight? He wouldn't even let me appologize or give me another chance or willing to talk things over. That's like me burning down a good friend's house because he sort of pissed me off one night.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Coeur's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kyi View Post
    My (ex)bf broke up with me a few days ago, and I've been doing everything I can to take my mind off of him, but it is extremely difficult. I know I'll eventually get over it, and I know I could do better and that he was in the wrong, but it still hurts.
    It only happened a few days ago? Give yourself some time to grieve! It'd be better to work through your feelings now and move on later than to shove everything down. Of course, you can't get stuck in the cycle of working through your feelings for too long.

    It sounds like what he did [understandably] really hurt you and caused you to lose your trust in him. People resent it when you don't trust them [even when it's justified]. He probably felt like no matter how good of a boyfriend he was from then on, it wouldn't be enough for you based on that one incident. In conclusion, what he did filled you with mistrust which lead to the unhealthy part of the relationship. I don't think it was good to throw it in his face, but he shouldn't have done that in the first place! Doing something to lose your trust early in the relationship is not good. Lots of people have the same retaliation when they have been cheated on.

    And why is it you always make the awesome friend that everyone thinks they WANT to be with, but it usually doesn't work out that way even when you give your all?
    Here's something that you should think about: if you have to work hard super hard to keep a relationship going, perhaps it isn't right for you. Relationships should progress naturally [meaning any effort you put in seems unconscious, not forced].

    Allow me to explain. I put LOADS of effort into the relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I WANTED to do this, because I love doing things to constantly improve my relationships with people. My boyfriend put a lot of effort into the relationship too. The problem? We spent more time talking about our relationship than living it! I think of people that I've been friends with for years. I've never said to myself: "let me work hard to ensure their friendship." We just lived out our lives together day by day, and that eventually formed a strong bond. I think that's how dating relationships should be as well.

    As for getting over it...
    Don't get into the thought process of '____ could have/should have/ would have happened.' Think: "He ended it. We weren't right for each other. I go on from here."
    Everybody needs love.

  6. #6
    Cat Wench ReadingRainbows's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kyi View Post
    I'm new here. I found out I was an ENFP a while ago and have been reading every description of them I could find. I would have to say most of it, especially the negative things, are extremely accurate about me.

    My (ex)bf broke up with me a few days ago, and I've been doing everything I can to take my mind off of him, but it is extremely difficult. I know I'll eventually get over it, and I know I could do better and that he was in the wrong, but it still hurts.

    I came here hoping for some advice and ways to be healthier. Right now, I am showing lots of the negative traits of an ENFP, particularly becoming stuck in obsessive thought loops and drinking heavily every night and trying to be around lots of people to take my mind off of things.

    The guy I was with had been a good friend with me for years, and like most male friends I have, they always think they're falling in love with me because they find me attractive and confuse our good friendship chemistry for lust/love or whatever. Well, I happened to like this guy as well.. I have no idea what kind of personality he is. I am going to guess ESTP. But anyways, he tried to pursue a relationship with me, and I felt like everything was going great and one day I find out he had cheated on me with his ex when we initially started dating, and I was willing to forgive him for that, but I had a nasty habit of bringing that up everytime I got upset at him. Eventually he couldn't handle me making him feel bad about it and said we were in an unhealthy relationship because we brought out the worst in each other. I didn't feel that way at all because it was so sudden and w/o warning and then he just completely cut me out of his life. Unfriended me on facebook and everything. I guess that is his way of coping with the situation, but it just hurt really bad and now I lost a friend and a lover.

    How do other ENFP's cope with heart break? How do you make yourself feel better or get over it? And why is it you always make the awesome friend that everyone thinks they WANT to be with, but it usually doesn't work out that way even when you give your all?

    Hey welcome

  7. #7
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    hey there...sorry you're not doing so great but i commend your interest in resolving the issues. i don't have any advice on heartbreak but i'm the same as you when i'm sad...distracting myself with people and going out when i can... but really looking at it and learning from it. is much more productive...so...don't beat yourself up about it. he broke your trust and you never got over it. that's just the way it happened. it's certainly not your fault.

    you can feel good about where you are and move forward...
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  8. #8
    Senior Member WoodsWoman's Avatar
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  9. #9
    Senior Member Chloe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kyi View Post
    Yes, I had only brought it up a few times, not like I was throwing it in his face everyday. And what he did was so much worse, plus the fact that he lied to me about it when I confronted him initially. What I did may have been wrong, but I didn't deserve that sort of retaliation. You would end an intimate relationship AND the friendship you had before over a simple little fight? He wouldn't even let me appologize or give me another chance or willing to talk things over. That's like me burning down a good friend's house because he sort of pissed me off one night.

    you dont have to apologize for bringing it up, i know many would disagree, but it's hard to completely forget stuff like that... you tried your best but couldnt really, maybe he didnt really deserve it, not saying he's bad guy, but maybe you really arent right for each other:/


    Quote Originally Posted by Couer
    Here's something that you should think about: if you have to work hard super hard to keep a relationship going, perhaps it isn't right for you. Relationships should progress naturally [meaning any effort you put in seems unconscious, not forced].

    I couldn't agree more with this. It also applies to friendships...took me a while to figure it out. "Working on relationship" can be wrong thing, making you talk more than live.

    As for getting over it...
    Don't get into the thought process of '____ could have/should have/ would have happened.' Think: "He ended it. We weren't right for each other. I go on from here."
    agree also

  10. #10

    Default

    Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom. I know there is nothing better I can do for myself but get over it and move on and stop torturing myself mentally. In the end, I know I could do much better than him. I just felt that he was ungreatful to me, since he had wrecked his car and I pretty much loaned him my car everyday. I guess I tried too hard.

    I hope to learn more about myself and other people as well. It's just so hard to not think about it, and put a smile on yourself and tell yourself it's okay when your heart is still hurting.

    I just wish I was stronger and was able to block it out faster.

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