[ENFP] new here, ENFP and coping with heartbreak

[Kyi]

I'm new here. I found out I was an ENFP a while ago and have been reading every description of them I could find. I would have to say most of it, especially the negative things, are extremely accurate about me.

My (ex)bf broke up with me a few days ago, and I've been doing everything I can to take my mind off of him, but it is extremely difficult. I know I'll eventually get over it, and I know I could do better and that he was in the wrong, but it still hurts.

I came here hoping for some advice and ways to be healthier. Right now, I am showing lots of the negative traits of an ENFP, particularly becoming stuck in obsessive thought loops and drinking heavily every night and trying to be around lots of people to take my mind off of things.

The guy I was with had been a good friend with me for years, and like most male friends I have, they always think they're falling in love with me because they find me attractive and confuse our good friendship chemistry for lust/love or whatever. Well, I happened to like this guy as well.. I have no idea what kind of personality he is. I am going to guess ESTP. But anyways, he tried to pursue a relationship with me, and I felt like everything was going great and one day I find out he had cheated on me with his ex when we initially started dating, and I was willing to forgive him for that, but I had a nasty habit of bringing that up everytime I got upset at him. Eventually he couldn't handle me making him feel bad about it and said we were in an unhealthy relationship because we brought out the worst in each other. I didn't feel that way at all because it was so sudden and w/o warning and then he just completely cut me out of his life. Unfriended me on facebook and everything. I guess that is his way of coping with the situation, but it just hurt really bad and now I lost a friend and a lover.

How do other ENFP's cope with heart break? How do you make yourself feel better or get over it? And why is it you always make the awesome friend that everyone thinks they WANT to be with, but it usually doesn't work out that way even when you give your all?

 

[Laurie]

We have so much to give, it's so hard when it doesn't work out.

 

[FigerPuppet]

I find out he had cheated on me with his ex when we initially started dating, and I was willing to forgive him for that, but I had a nasty habit of bringing that up everytime I got upset at him. Eventually he couldn't handle me making him feel bad about it and said we were in an unhealthy relationship because we brought out the worst in each other.

I empathize with him.

 

[Kyi]

I empathize with him.

Yes, I had only brought it up a few times, not like I was throwing it in his face everyday. And what he did was so much worse, plus the fact that he lied to me about it when I confronted him initially. What I did may have been wrong, but I didn't deserve that sort of retaliation. You would end an intimate relationship AND the friendship you had before over a simple little fight? He wouldn't even let me appologize or give me another chance or willing to talk things over. That's like me burning down a good friend's house because he sort of pissed me off one night.

 

[Coeur]

My (ex)bf broke up with me a few days ago, and I've been doing everything I can to take my mind off of him, but it is extremely difficult. I know I'll eventually get over it, and I know I could do better and that he was in the wrong, but it still hurts.

It only happened a few days ago? Give yourself some time to grieve! It'd be better to work through your feelings now and move on later than to shove everything down. Of course, you can't get stuck in the cycle of working through your feelings for too long.

It sounds like what he did [understandably] really hurt you and caused you to lose your trust in him. People resent it when you don't trust them [even when it's justified]. He probably felt like no matter how good of a boyfriend he was from then on, it wouldn't be enough for you based on that one incident. In conclusion, what he did filled you with mistrust which lead to the unhealthy part of the relationship. I don't think it was good to throw it in his face, but he shouldn't have done that in the first place! Doing something to lose your trust early in the relationship is not good. Lots of people have the same retaliation when they have been cheated on.

And why is it you always make the awesome friend that everyone thinks they WANT to be with, but it usually doesn't work out that way even when you give your all?

Here's something that you should think about: if you have to work hard super hard to keep a relationship going, perhaps it isn't right for you. Relationships should progress naturally [meaning any effort you put in seems unconscious, not forced].

Allow me to explain. I put LOADS of effort into the relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I WANTED to do this, because I love doing things to constantly improve my relationships with people. My boyfriend put a lot of effort into the relationship too. The problem? We spent more time talking about our relationship than living it! I think of people that I've been friends with for years. I've never said to myself: "let me work hard to ensure their friendship." We just lived out our lives together day by day, and that eventually formed a strong bond. I think that's how dating relationships should be as well.

As for getting over it...
Don't get into the thought process of '____ could have/should have/ would have happened.' Think: "He ended it. We weren't right for each other. I go on from here."

 

[ReadingRainbows]

I'm new here. I found out I was an ENFP a while ago and have been reading every description of them I could find. I would have to say most of it, especially the negative things, are extremely accurate about me.

My (ex)bf broke up with me a few days ago, and I've been doing everything I can to take my mind off of him, but it is extremely difficult. I know I'll eventually get over it, and I know I could do better and that he was in the wrong, but it still hurts.

I came here hoping for some advice and ways to be healthier. Right now, I am showing lots of the negative traits of an ENFP, particularly becoming stuck in obsessive thought loops and drinking heavily every night and trying to be around lots of people to take my mind off of things.

The guy I was with had been a good friend with me for years, and like most male friends I have, they always think they're falling in love with me because they find me attractive and confuse our good friendship chemistry for lust/love or whatever. Well, I happened to like this guy as well.. I have no idea what kind of personality he is. I am going to guess ESTP. But anyways, he tried to pursue a relationship with me, and I felt like everything was going great and one day I find out he had cheated on me with his ex when we initially started dating, and I was willing to forgive him for that, but I had a nasty habit of bringing that up everytime I got upset at him. Eventually he couldn't handle me making him feel bad about it and said we were in an unhealthy relationship because we brought out the worst in each other. I didn't feel that way at all because it was so sudden and w/o warning and then he just completely cut me out of his life. Unfriended me on facebook and everything. I guess that is his way of coping with the situation, but it just hurt really bad and now I lost a friend and a lover.

How do other ENFP's cope with heart break? How do you make yourself feel better or get over it? And why is it you always make the awesome friend that everyone thinks they WANT to be with, but it usually doesn't work out that way even when you give your all?

Hey welcome

 

[Lady_X]

hey there...sorry you're not doing so great but i commend your interest in resolving the issues. i don't have any advice on heartbreak but i'm the same as you when i'm sad...distracting myself with people and going out when i can... but really looking at it and learning from it. is much more productive...so...don't beat yourself up about it. he broke your trust and you never got over it. that's just the way it happened. it's certainly not your fault.

you can feel good about where you are and move forward...

 

[WoodsWoman]

 

[Chloe]

Yes, I had only brought it up a few times, not like I was throwing it in his face everyday. And what he did was so much worse, plus the fact that he lied to me about it when I confronted him initially. What I did may have been wrong, but I didn't deserve that sort of retaliation. You would end an intimate relationship AND the friendship you had before over a simple little fight? He wouldn't even let me appologize or give me another chance or willing to talk things over. That's like me burning down a good friend's house because he sort of pissed me off one night.

you dont have to apologize for bringing it up, i know many would disagree, but it's hard to completely forget stuff like that... you tried your best but couldnt really, maybe he didnt really deserve it, not saying he's bad guy, but maybe you really arent right for each other:/

Here's something that you should think about: if you have to work hard super hard to keep a relationship going, perhaps it isn't right for you. Relationships should progress naturally [meaning any effort you put in seems unconscious, not forced].

I couldn't agree more with this. It also applies to friendships...took me a while to figure it out. "Working on relationship" can be wrong thing, making you talk more than live.

As for getting over it...
Don't get into the thought process of '____ could have/should have/ would have happened.' Think: "He ended it. We weren't right for each other. I go on from here."

agree also

 

[Kyi]

Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom. I know there is nothing better I can do for myself but get over it and move on and stop torturing myself mentally. In the end, I know I could do much better than him. I just felt that he was ungreatful to me, since he had wrecked his car and I pretty much loaned him my car everyday. I guess I tried too hard.

I hope to learn more about myself and other people as well. It's just so hard to not think about it, and put a smile on yourself and tell yourself it's okay when your heart is still hurting.

I just wish I was stronger and was able to block it out faster.

 

[BlahBlahNounBlah]

I empathize with him.

So do I.


I'm not condoning what he did, but if you couldn't forgive him, what was the point in staying together? I would have left the relationship too, but I would have been kinder about it. I think you deserved more closure.

 

[Kanamori]

It'd be good to cut the alcohol from the equation. Doing that will help you deal with your feelings, and make you feel less crappy.

 

[Fidelia]

Regarding the cheating thing:
Were the reasons for him cheating ever resolved? I think that it doesn't work to just try to quickly forgive if the root cause of the problem (unresolved feelings about the ex, insecurity and need to prove attractiveness, problems in your own relationship etc) aren't laid to rest. It isn't right to say you forgive someone and then throw it back at them, but if it hasn't been dealt with, it will keep coming up in your own mind.

Another problem though is the unevenness of things. A man worth having may borrow your car for a couple of days, but after that he takes care of himself. If he can't look after himself financially, this sets up all kinds of problems. If you are loaning your car, but resenting it, that doesn't work. If you are loaning your car and feel like you have some more bargaining power because of it, it indicates either that you have some deeper insecurities (don't feel like you are worth staying with just for you) or somewhere along the way the two of you have developed some unhealthy patterns.

To me, it sounds like he has problems with insecurity himself. I say this because 1) If you believe that you will be listened to and that you are resolved on what you'll do, then you explain what is going on and close things off properly with the other person
2) Cheating with an ex indicates probably a lack of proper resolution of that relationship (or else she wouldn't be willing to still sleep with him), and also a lack of proper communication. If you are used to being emotionally vulnerable as it is appropriate to be in this type of relationship and risking the consequences, you either break up properly before sleeping with someone else or you tell the person what the problem is.

I expect both of you have reflecting that needs to happen. Alcohol will only postpone it and depress you in the meantime. You need to think about why you would take back someone that cheats on you. While there are sometimes legitimate reasons for giving it another shot, more often people take someone back if they are not confident that they deserve or will get better treatment from someone else. They are risking your health, they have lied to you, they have broken trust that is very difficult to regain and it often indicates that there are other deeper problems. In general, insecure people are going to look out for themselves first and they will be destructive to anyone they are with. In return, when you do not show care for yourself and draw lines for other people of how you need to be treated, it is difficult for someone to show you the respect you deserve. If you are accepting poor treatment, it is worth considering why that is and what has happened in the past that would make you feel like that's alright.

In talking about insecurity, I am not saying it makes someone bad or unattractive. They can be very capable, smart, funny, interesting and so on, but be insecure. Those insecurities make it impossible to become close, they will not be vulnerable and you will never get your problems resolved. It also means that there is not much room in the person's mind for them to focus on other people's problems and feelings at that time, because their own problems and feelings are occupying that space.

At this time, are you or him able to be the kind of partners that each other need? I myself experienced a very sudden and unexpected breakup in February after almost five years together and I know how absolutely painful and bewildering of an experience it is, especially if there is no opportunity to talk about it afterwards.

It's only been a short time and I think maybe you'll yet have that chance. However, in the meantime this is a good place and there are a lot of people who do care, so you're making a good move in writing to help sort out what just happened.

 

[Charmed Justice]

I'm sorry to hear about you and your boyfriend.
It sounds like you both did things to each other that hurt, and you've both responded in ways that are typical to your personality types. ENFPs are much more likely to want to hold on to bad relationships than other types. In our idealism, we often stay with the hope that things will change. We often want things to work out so desperately that we miss the reality of the situation. We create a fantasy relationship in our heads that doesn't even exist. This guy probably did you a favor, even if you don't see it that way right now because it hurts so badly. Him being an ESTP, he could likely see very clearly that the relationship had already died, and he simply responded to that fact. If I were you, I'd be hanging out with my friends and doing everything I could to avoid sitting on the breakup too.

 

[Kyi]

I have been coping by convincing myself that he was in the wrong and that how he reacted to me was extremely harsh and unforgiving. I have made several attempts to appologize to him and make things work, because of our group of mutual friends. I have pretty much begged him to not shut me out and that I still wanted to be friends and asked him to forgive me for not seeing eye to eye with him. I said all I could say without giving up every bit of my pride.

Through a mutual friend, I hear that he has been bad mouthing me. It just so happens, I know that prior to us dating, he had been obsessed with me and read all of my blogs. I write my blogs with the assumption that he will read it and hopefully my emotions expressed in writing would resonate with him more. He always told me that he was fascinated with what I wrote.

So through my blogs, I am sort of pointing him out and embarassing him. I know that a good bit of our mutual friends do occasionally read my blog, and they will definitely know I am referring to him. I know this is immature and not what I should do, but I will just simply ignore the fact that I know our friends will read it and just speak my mind about how I truly feel. I am angry and hurt and I don't feel like suppressing myself.

I really don't know what to do at this point. I'm done being sad. Now I'm just really pissed.

 

[BerberElla]

I'm sorry to hear about you and your boyfriend.
It sounds like you both did things to each other that hurt, and you've both responded in ways that are typical to your personality types. ENFPs are much more likely to want to hold on to bad relationships than other types. In our idealism, we often stay with the hope that things will change. We often want things to work out so desperately that we miss the reality of the situation. We create a fantasy relationship in our heads that doesn't even exist. This guy probably did you a favor, even if you don't see it that way right now because it hurts so badly. Him being an ESTP, he could likely see very clearly that the relationship had already died, and he simply responded to that fact. If I were you, I'd be hanging out with my friends and doing everything I could to avoid sitting on the breakup too.

This ^ and fidelia's post which was awesome by the way.

Also I think because you feel so guilty because you know that throwing it back in his face a few times was the wrong thing to do, the fact that he didn't even give you a chance to make amends, if not for the sake of the relationship of lovers, at the least for the friendship you wanted to hold on to, is a big part of why you are finding yourself so upset and hurt.

An ENFP would never totally close the door on anyone, not even over something on this scale (which to some is huge and others not so much), so for him to cut you dead like this is going to be quite hurtful and very confusing to you.

I think part of it is you needing to forgive yourself, and understanding where your behaviour came from, and accepting that it most definately is best to not be in a relationship with him anymore. No matter how much you loved him, because you just weren't able to trust him anymore.

You can't control the outcome of situations, even when you feel responsible, even when you feel you could just repair the damage if given a chance, because other people work differently from us, a hard lesson for Fi to learn but one that it needs to in order to let go.

Then again I know it's so much easier said than done . I hope you manage to let go of your hurt and your anger.

 

[nomadic]

ummm the way i cope with heartbreak is i date a buncha ppl, and i start thinking like a 21 year old girl. its actually amazingly fun to do this.

balancing it all keeps my mind off the ex. and when someone gets too close to the point where i start comparing them and they invade my ex's space, i move on to the next girl.

i don't think this is very healthy. but oh wells. somehow i think it worked out for me, bc it always took at least a rotation of 3 girls to take my mind off the ex, but now im settling down on one...without the visceral reaction of ex memory space invasion... well i think i ended up like this bc me and my ex of 4 years broke up a while ago for unnatural reasons.

but either way, a different ex kinda did that to me before through xanga way back when, but we didn't have mutual friends. but i imagine if there were, they would have to choose eventually between him or you. in the end, sometimes its just about loyalty, especially among homies.

 

[nomadic]

basically it sounds like he went back to his ex

cus ex's that i was in a relationship for a while, them throwing it in my face, about something i did in the past, i just saw it as a way for them to get what they want from me. by guilting me. whatever. its not that big of a deal. just gotta sit through the hair clenching agony. "oh ok, this is what it feels like when guys trip out on girls... ok". no one's gonna leave someone for that if they really like them.

but in this case, it sounds like he went back to his ex. its no big deal, cus u knew he was getting over his ex anyways. most girls are pretty understanding of this. of course i could be completely wrong, but dunno what other reason, cus that seems too petty. maybe the guy is super emo. which seems unrealistic... its either he went back to his ex, or it was something else that mighta made him bolt.

 

[7thsomebody]

It has only be a few days since the breakup, you are allowed the time to be vulnerable/angry/obsessive provided you don't chase/stalk him etc, as a fellow ENFP i know how painful it can be when we are sad or depressed, i would say in general an "SP" or an "SJ" is not a good match for an "NF" and that's not just because of what MBTI says but also from actual experience, i often find rather than using MBTI to dictate the way i live i just live however and discover that things tend to fit with MBTI when i read up on them later...

as for your ESTP cheating on you, alas many SPs don't face the same moral dilemma when it comes to faithfulness - don't take it personally. you will feel better and realise he was never meant for you anyway

 

[allie bug]

Absolutely give yourself sometime to feel bad. You're not invinceable..Nobody is. I think the more you focus your actions around him the worse you will feel. By asking him not to shut you out, you're giving him more and more chances to shun you. So even when he's no longer around, he's still hurting your feelings. Don't beat yourself up too bad about bringing up the cheating. I think it's hard for ENFPs to forgive since it takes so much trust to let someone past the friend zone in the first place. Cut yourself a little slack