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  1. #11
    Senior Member BlahBlahNounBlah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SmileyMan View Post
    I empathize with him.

    So do I.


    I'm not condoning what he did, but if you couldn't forgive him, what was the point in staying together? I would have left the relationship too, but I would have been kinder about it. I think you deserved more closure.

  2. #12
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    It'd be good to cut the alcohol from the equation. Doing that will help you deal with your feelings, and make you feel less crappy.

  3. #13
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Regarding the cheating thing:
    Were the reasons for him cheating ever resolved? I think that it doesn't work to just try to quickly forgive if the root cause of the problem (unresolved feelings about the ex, insecurity and need to prove attractiveness, problems in your own relationship etc) aren't laid to rest. It isn't right to say you forgive someone and then throw it back at them, but if it hasn't been dealt with, it will keep coming up in your own mind.

    Another problem though is the unevenness of things. A man worth having may borrow your car for a couple of days, but after that he takes care of himself. If he can't look after himself financially, this sets up all kinds of problems. If you are loaning your car, but resenting it, that doesn't work. If you are loaning your car and feel like you have some more bargaining power because of it, it indicates either that you have some deeper insecurities (don't feel like you are worth staying with just for you) or somewhere along the way the two of you have developed some unhealthy patterns.

    To me, it sounds like he has problems with insecurity himself. I say this because 1) If you believe that you will be listened to and that you are resolved on what you'll do, then you explain what is going on and close things off properly with the other person
    2) Cheating with an ex indicates probably a lack of proper resolution of that relationship (or else she wouldn't be willing to still sleep with him), and also a lack of proper communication. If you are used to being emotionally vulnerable as it is appropriate to be in this type of relationship and risking the consequences, you either break up properly before sleeping with someone else or you tell the person what the problem is.

    I expect both of you have reflecting that needs to happen. Alcohol will only postpone it and depress you in the meantime. You need to think about why you would take back someone that cheats on you. While there are sometimes legitimate reasons for giving it another shot, more often people take someone back if they are not confident that they deserve or will get better treatment from someone else. They are risking your health, they have lied to you, they have broken trust that is very difficult to regain and it often indicates that there are other deeper problems. In general, insecure people are going to look out for themselves first and they will be destructive to anyone they are with. In return, when you do not show care for yourself and draw lines for other people of how you need to be treated, it is difficult for someone to show you the respect you deserve. If you are accepting poor treatment, it is worth considering why that is and what has happened in the past that would make you feel like that's alright.

    In talking about insecurity, I am not saying it makes someone bad or unattractive. They can be very capable, smart, funny, interesting and so on, but be insecure. Those insecurities make it impossible to become close, they will not be vulnerable and you will never get your problems resolved. It also means that there is not much room in the person's mind for them to focus on other people's problems and feelings at that time, because their own problems and feelings are occupying that space.

    At this time, are you or him able to be the kind of partners that each other need? I myself experienced a very sudden and unexpected breakup in February after almost five years together and I know how absolutely painful and bewildering of an experience it is, especially if there is no opportunity to talk about it afterwards.

    It's only been a short time and I think maybe you'll yet have that chance. However, in the meantime this is a good place and there are a lot of people who do care, so you're making a good move in writing to help sort out what just happened.

  4. #14
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    I'm sorry to hear about you and your boyfriend.
    It sounds like you both did things to each other that hurt, and you've both responded in ways that are typical to your personality types. ENFPs are much more likely to want to hold on to bad relationships than other types. In our idealism, we often stay with the hope that things will change. We often want things to work out so desperately that we miss the reality of the situation. We create a fantasy relationship in our heads that doesn't even exist. This guy probably did you a favor, even if you don't see it that way right now because it hurts so badly. Him being an ESTP, he could likely see very clearly that the relationship had already died, and he simply responded to that fact. If I were you, I'd be hanging out with my friends and doing everything I could to avoid sitting on the breakup too.
    There is a thinking stuff from which all things are made, and which, in its original state, permeates, penetrates, and fills the interspaces of the universe.

  5. #15

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    I have been coping by convincing myself that he was in the wrong and that how he reacted to me was extremely harsh and unforgiving. I have made several attempts to appologize to him and make things work, because of our group of mutual friends. I have pretty much begged him to not shut me out and that I still wanted to be friends and asked him to forgive me for not seeing eye to eye with him. I said all I could say without giving up every bit of my pride.

    Through a mutual friend, I hear that he has been bad mouthing me. It just so happens, I know that prior to us dating, he had been obsessed with me and read all of my blogs. I write my blogs with the assumption that he will read it and hopefully my emotions expressed in writing would resonate with him more. He always told me that he was fascinated with what I wrote.

    So through my blogs, I am sort of pointing him out and embarassing him. I know that a good bit of our mutual friends do occasionally read my blog, and they will definitely know I am referring to him. I know this is immature and not what I should do, but I will just simply ignore the fact that I know our friends will read it and just speak my mind about how I truly feel. I am angry and hurt and I don't feel like suppressing myself.

    I really don't know what to do at this point. I'm done being sad. Now I'm just really pissed.

  6. #16
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EnFpFer View Post
    I'm sorry to hear about you and your boyfriend.
    It sounds like you both did things to each other that hurt, and you've both responded in ways that are typical to your personality types. ENFPs are much more likely to want to hold on to bad relationships than other types. In our idealism, we often stay with the hope that things will change. We often want things to work out so desperately that we miss the reality of the situation. We create a fantasy relationship in our heads that doesn't even exist. This guy probably did you a favor, even if you don't see it that way right now because it hurts so badly. Him being an ESTP, he could likely see very clearly that the relationship had already died, and he simply responded to that fact. If I were you, I'd be hanging out with my friends and doing everything I could to avoid sitting on the breakup too.
    This ^ and fidelia's post which was awesome by the way.

    Also I think because you feel so guilty because you know that throwing it back in his face a few times was the wrong thing to do, the fact that he didn't even give you a chance to make amends, if not for the sake of the relationship of lovers, at the least for the friendship you wanted to hold on to, is a big part of why you are finding yourself so upset and hurt.

    An ENFP would never totally close the door on anyone, not even over something on this scale (which to some is huge and others not so much), so for him to cut you dead like this is going to be quite hurtful and very confusing to you.

    I think part of it is you needing to forgive yourself, and understanding where your behaviour came from, and accepting that it most definately is best to not be in a relationship with him anymore. No matter how much you loved him, because you just weren't able to trust him anymore.

    You can't control the outcome of situations, even when you feel responsible, even when you feel you could just repair the damage if given a chance, because other people work differently from us, a hard lesson for Fi to learn but one that it needs to in order to let go.

    Then again I know it's so much easier said than done . I hope you manage to let go of your hurt and your anger.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

    Berb's Johari Berb's Nohari

  7. #17
    mountain surfing nomadic's Avatar
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    ummm the way i cope with heartbreak is i date a buncha ppl, and i start thinking like a 21 year old girl. its actually amazingly fun to do this.

    balancing it all keeps my mind off the ex. and when someone gets too close to the point where i start comparing them and they invade my ex's space, i move on to the next girl.

    i don't think this is very healthy. but oh wells. somehow i think it worked out for me, bc it always took at least a rotation of 3 girls to take my mind off the ex, but now im settling down on one...without the visceral reaction of ex memory space invasion... well i think i ended up like this bc me and my ex of 4 years broke up a while ago for unnatural reasons.

    but either way, a different ex kinda did that to me before through xanga way back when, but we didn't have mutual friends. but i imagine if there were, they would have to choose eventually between him or you. in the end, sometimes its just about loyalty, especially among homies.

  8. #18
    mountain surfing nomadic's Avatar
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    basically it sounds like he went back to his ex

    cus ex's that i was in a relationship for a while, them throwing it in my face, about something i did in the past, i just saw it as a way for them to get what they want from me. by guilting me. whatever. its not that big of a deal. just gotta sit through the hair clenching agony. "oh ok, this is what it feels like when guys trip out on girls... ok". no one's gonna leave someone for that if they really like them.

    but in this case, it sounds like he went back to his ex. its no big deal, cus u knew he was getting over his ex anyways. most girls are pretty understanding of this. of course i could be completely wrong, but dunno what other reason, cus that seems too petty. maybe the guy is super emo. which seems unrealistic... its either he went back to his ex, or it was something else that mighta made him bolt.

  9. #19
    Member 7thsomebody's Avatar
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    It has only be a few days since the breakup, you are allowed the time to be vulnerable/angry/obsessive provided you don't chase/stalk him etc, as a fellow ENFP i know how painful it can be when we are sad or depressed, i would say in general an "SP" or an "SJ" is not a good match for an "NF" and that's not just because of what MBTI says but also from actual experience, i often find rather than using MBTI to dictate the way i live i just live however and discover that things tend to fit with MBTI when i read up on them later...

    as for your ESTP cheating on you, alas many SPs don't face the same moral dilemma when it comes to faithfulness - don't take it personally. you will feel better and realise he was never meant for you anyway
    If there is anyone who is in the sun would you help me to understand? 'Cause I've been caught in between, all you wish for and all you mean. Oh now maybe you're not even sure, what it's for anymore than me...

    -Joseph Arthur, In The Sun

    If I find my way, how much will I find?

  10. #20
    Member allie bug's Avatar
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    Absolutely give yourself sometime to feel bad. You're not invinceable..Nobody is. I think the more you focus your actions around him the worse you will feel. By asking him not to shut you out, you're giving him more and more chances to shun you. So even when he's no longer around, he's still hurting your feelings. Don't beat yourself up too bad about bringing up the cheating. I think it's hard for ENFPs to forgive since it takes so much trust to let someone past the friend zone in the first place. Cut yourself a little slack

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