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  1. #1
    Senior Member IEE623's Avatar
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    Default Do all ENFJs have some kind of miserable memories of childhood?

    It seems to me that all (/almost) ENFJs I know have some kinds of miseries in their childhood that lead to their adulthood's insecurity which is masked by a friendly and understanding surface. They're fun and mysterious as acquaintances. But when they start trusting you and revealing to you the deeper and darker side of them, it's like being involved in a real-life tragedy.

    No matter how you say it or try to lighten them up, their fears and insecurity are always (i mean literally ALWAYS) there. That's why they never say anything directly or bluntly. Always a question or irrelevant statement that makes you speak out the things they wanted to hear.

    ENFJs' obscured insecurity makes them desperate perfectionists. They expect hell of a lot from their close friends or partners. When they see some kind of deviations from their expectations, they try best to manipulate the situation or the person. If they could not, oh my god! They're miserable with their impaired and handicapped analytical skill to solve and reason their confusions and depressions.

    So.... I have this female ENFJ bff that I currently cannot deal with. She is trying to move on from a tragical romantic drama which drastically damaged her pride and confidence couple of months ago.
    There is this ENTP guy interested in my friend now. I thought he was honest and had strong feelings for her. She really likes him, yet she finds so many methods to question his feelings and honesty. She always tries to tell him they're not going anywhere and tell him not to see her anymore (as her bff, I really interpret it as "she is trying to make him prove his love to her no matter how bitchy she is").

    She told me she felt that he's kind of pulling himself away, so she's upset, miserable, and keep going on again about her fears, childhood and recent unpleasant memories (which I've heard and known quite a few times already). No matter how I explain to her how ENTPs might think and react in this situation by their rationales (to me, even tho he really likes her, as a thinker, he might not pursue it when he sees no possibilities that she might change her negative perspectives bout his intention). She kept looking for me for some answers and solution to her situation; yet no matter how much I tried, she kept being stubborn saying she could never get rid of her fears and just want to play it safe.

    What should I tell my ENFJ friend to help regain her confidence and get rid of her insecurities and fear?
    "Adversity makes men, and prosperity makes monsters"

  2. #2
    Senior Member Drezoryx's Avatar
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    i had an awesome childhood. the thing to do would be not to idealize relations/situations/individuals. take the individual with his own +/- thats the only sane way of going forward!

  3. #3
    Senior Member IEE623's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by slumdogtrillionaire View Post
    i had an awesome childhood. the thing to do would be not to idealize relations/situations/individuals. take the individual with his own +/- thats the only sane way of going forward!
    thanks. i guess so bout the childhood then.

    what has been the best way that someone has done unto you to lighten you up from a drastic drama?
    "Adversity makes men, and prosperity makes monsters"

  4. #4
    Senior Member Drezoryx's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by IEE623 View Post
    thanks. i guess so bout the childhood then.

    what has been the best way that someone has done unto you to lighten you up from a drastic drama?
    ive stayed light during dramas themselves. Plus enfjs are the giver types, its always been me making others light or brightening their days or sharing their problems. For my own problems unless someone really pushes and intrudes, even then i give them a hazy cryptic somewhat not so bad picture, i recover with alone time spent in contemplation.

    interesting question though. i asked my close friends and family about this right now and they said i've never spilt anger from one issue onto another (say not eating food because one is angry for not getting a gadget, has not happened with me).

    so why this particular enfj is spilling emotions and confusing situations? it seems like attention seeking behavior (out of her insecurities maybe?) or out of control Fe? or Ne+Te domination, i would leave them alone to contemplate and heal on their own.

    Another point is, theorizing or giving moral lectures wont work with an enfj, thats their dominant function and her attention seeking behaviour will feed on all the theory you give her and keep you embroiled endlessly (this is no mysticism you are getting manipulated out here to give more time and energy to her by engaging her dominant functions, which at best you can equal temporarily). Work on her inferior functions , those can be easily tackled with sensory delights. Break her chain of NF thoughts (dominant function) by taking her to as many sensory-heavy occassions as possible, and as often as possible in quick succession.

    You can also try and create a big conflict and not let her escape until she lays down her real reasons for such behavior. Though i would recommend this as a last option if at all. But it works, if you really care that much.

    but frankly its really odd why a giver personality should be behaving like this. Maybe shes telling you all this and engaging your sympathies because shes interested in you

  5. #5
    Senior Member IEE623's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by slumdogtrillionaire View Post
    ive stayed light during dramas themselves. Plus enfjs are the giver types, its always been me making others light or brightening their days or sharing their problems. For my own problems unless someone really pushes and intrudes, even then i give them a hazy cryptic somewhat not so bad picture, i recover with alone time spent in contemplation.

    interesting question though. i asked my close friends and family about this right now and they said i've never spilt anger from one issue onto another (say not eating food because one is angry for not getting a gadget, has not happened with me).

    so why this particular enfj is spilling emotions and confusing situations? it seems like attention seeking behavior (out of her insecurities maybe?) or out of control Fe? or Ne+Te domination, i would leave them alone to contemplate and heal on their own.
    No no. She acts completely cool and normal around others as if her life were splendidly amazing (which I find kind of ridiculous). But her past history with her own family has ripped away her complete trust in ppl that she barely shared any deep feelings or thoughts with anyone in the family or normal friends.
    As for me, I think my understanding and strong interest in psychology has made people feel easy to share with me a lot of secrets and deep thoughts; she was not an exception. That was also which made us bff (even tho she doesn't know much about my inner self. Curse my Fi you know )


    Quote Originally Posted by slumdogtrillionaire View Post
    Another point is, theorizing or giving moral lectures wont work with an enfj, thats their dominant function and her attention seeking behaviour will feed on all the theory you give her and keep you embroiled endlessly (this is no mysticism you are getting manipulated out here to give more time and energy to her by engaging her dominant functions, which at best you can equal temporarily).
    Hahah you're really something you know . That was the cause for all of our seemingly-never-ending arguments that have ever happened in the past how long we've known each other.


    Quote Originally Posted by slumdogtrillionaire View Post
    Work on her inferior functions , those can be easily tackled with sensory delights. Break her chain of NF thoughts (dominant function) by taking her to as many sensory-heavy occassions as possible, and as often as possible in quick succession.

    You can also try and create a big conflict and not let her escape until she lays down her real reasons for such behavior. Though i would recommend this as a last option if at all. But it works, if you really care that much.
    Your thoughts are very enlightening to me. Thanks a great deal for helping me in understanding one more deviated personality :P
    Yet we've been throwing words more than necessarily at each others was because we're currently living very far from each other. I guess the sensory delights have to be saved for another time lol
    But I sure can try to suggest her stubborn and currently depressing self, which only likes to stay home and agonizing

    Quote Originally Posted by slumdogtrillionaire View Post
    but frankly its really odd why a giver personality should be behaving like this. Maybe shes telling you all this and engaging your sympathies because shes interested in you

    hahahha.... NOOOOOO.... first we're bffs. second we're both females lol :P

    Thank you for the whole reply again
    "Adversity makes men, and prosperity makes monsters"

  6. #6
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Being beaten, raped and impoverished did my head in.

    But it would do *anyone's* head in, type aside.

    I have the misfortune of a memory so long it reaches back to when I was 3 years old. It's vivid and lacerating in detail. I can even recall smells at times. Time sloshes back and forth like a liquid for me, so "moving on" can be a concept I dream of and long for with all my heart when I know another memory tsunami will hit, scattering the dead across the beach once more.

    Because of what happened to me (for years and years), I was sensitive/acutely aware of danger and one of my earliest memories (age 3 1/2) was seeing a dead dog on the roadside where I lived being slowly consumed by kudzu and ivy. It horrified me. Something told me that I would end up like that dog, dead on the road and being overtaken by crawling weeds. True mortal panic for one so little and already out of control. Now it's burned permanently into my brain, that picture.

    I know many people who've suffered hideous abuse. Type seems to make no difference in the long run, though the ability to relieve every moment unbidden is perhaps a type cross that I must bear. I have an ENTP friend that I've known for 12 years or more. He suffered abuse I can't even begin to describe. He should be insane, but he isn't, and he's tried to move forward with his life as best as he can, but what happened to him still comes back to bite him, esp in his personal relationships.

    I'm sorry she's struggling. Please tell her to go get help so she can reclaim her life. Feeling out of control is terrible and getting stuck in a chaotic frenzied webbing Ni is difficult to escape. She may need outside help.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
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    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPiranha View Post

    I have the misfortune of a memory so long it reaches back to when I was 3 years old. It's vivid and lacerating in detail. I can even recall smells at times. ...I know another memory tsunami will hit, scattering the dead across the beach once more.



    I know many people who've suffered hideous abuse. Type seems to make no difference in the long run...

    I'm sorry she's struggling. Please tell her to go get help so she can reclaim her life. Feeling out of control is terrible and getting stuck in a chaotic frenzied webbing Ni is difficult to escape. She may need outside help.


    Ditto.

  8. #8
    Senior Member SpottingTrains's Avatar
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    I wouldn't change anything from my childhood. No complaints here!
    "That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can."

  9. #9
    Senior Member Drezoryx's Avatar
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    @IEE623 well from all this its clear words alone aren't going to cut it, you'll need a hands on approach here! good luck (PS this was fun i should have checked the genders first )

  10. #10
    Senior Member The Third Rider's Avatar
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    Well I guess the OP is right in my case when she says that most ENFjs have child hood issues. I personally wont talk about my issues here but some of them have come back and hunt me, most of it was in my confidence though which was completely none existent for several years. I was very paranoid and I still suffer from some kind of anxiety towards the rest of the world.
    ENFJ 3W4

    If you read this I am sorry to say that you just lost 5 seconds of your life that you wont be getting back.*

    *Actual time may vary.

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