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  1. #1
    Senior Member Cypocalypse's Avatar
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    Default ENFJ and long term relationships.

    How many ENFJs here gets into relationship troubles because of this:

    Let's say, you're a charming ENFJ girl. You like, let's say, 3 or more guys.

    Let's denote them as Guy A, Guy B, Guy C.

    In your hierarchy list, you like Guy A the most. But there are also things that you like in Guy B, and Guy C.

    However, you're too damn scared of dumping Guy B or Guy C, that you still entertain, or even enjoy their courtship, even if it may jeopardize your potentially best relationship in the works, with Guy A.

    Guy A gets really jealous, but somehow, you still wish that he would understand your "friendship" with Guy B or Guy C, because cutting off ties with them would significantly affect your social life. Well, that's because Guy D and Guy E likes you too, to a certain extent.

    And then you end up having troubles sustaining relationships yourself, because you get into cycles of losing Guy A's.

  2. #2
    Junior Member StormySunshine's Avatar
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    I think my ENFJ friend had the right idea when he had his parents arrange his marriage for him (they're Indian). With the huge burden of choosing a mate out of his hands, he's now happily married with two kids, owns his own physical therapy business, and best of all his personal life is drama free (as drama free as any marriage anyway). Now he has his personal life segregated from his social, and can make the connections with people he craves with his patients.
    "Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal mans." - Dwight, "The Office"

  3. #3
    Rainy Day Woman MDP2525's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cypocalypse View Post
    How many ENFJs here gets into relationship troubles because of this:

    Let's say, you're a charming ENFJ girl. You like, let's say, 3 or more guys.

    Let's denote them as Guy A, Guy B, Guy C.

    In your hierarchy list, you like Guy A the most. But there are also things that you like in Guy B, and Guy C.

    However, you're too damn scared of dumping Guy B or Guy C, that you still entertain, or even enjoy their courtship, even if it may jeopardize your potentially best relationship in the works, with Guy A.

    Guy A gets really jealous, but somehow, you still wish that he would understand your "friendship" with Guy B or Guy C, because cutting off ties with them would significantly affect your social life. Well, that's because Guy D and Guy E likes you too, to a certain extent.

    And then you end up having troubles sustaining relationships yourself, because you get into cycles of losing Guy A's.
    You could be up front with all of them -individually and privately - and let them know that you want to keep things casual. If that is what you want. I don't know where you're at or what your ultimate goal is. Do you want to have you cake and eat it to? Do you want more time to decide if A is the one you want to be with? Do you just like the attention you get from these swooning males? (who doesn't ).

    Either way, you have to take initiative to decide what is best for you and if losing Guy A is an acceptable outcome if you decide to keep juggling. Find out what you want and be honest with that information with those who are physically and/or emotionally invested in you. They might not like it but they will appreciate it and respect it.
    ~luck favors the ready~


    Shameless Self-Promotion:MDP2525's Den and the Start of Motorcycle Maintenance

  4. #4
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    I almost feel like this situation is somewhat foreign to ENFJs, at least to me.

    I consider ENFJs to be some of the most loyal, devoted types in romantic relationships, and I think their deep desire to be loved and accepted and cherished makes them likely to devote themselves solely to one individual. They may possibly be confused for a time being about more than one person, but I think they strive (perhaps the J influence?) to find ONE person they can commit to loving.

    What do the other ENFJs think?

  5. #5
    Senior Member Drezoryx's Avatar
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    ^ agreed with above, at most ENFJ would lose interest in Girl A and move to Girl B then lose interest in Girl B and move to Girl C without ever clarifying things to A or B or just giving cryptic/riddly hints to avoid conflict but they wont do it the way its described in OP.

  6. #6
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    From an outside perspective, this is how some ENFJs can appear to me also, although I cannot explain how their thinking actually works.

    I do know two who are married & seem quite happy, but the single ones seem like they cannot focus enough on one person to form a relationship, and yet they complain that they cannot get a longterm girlfriend, which is what they claim to desire. I kind of want to shake them. They could easily find someone if they would not cling to their consolation prize options. Maybe they don't view these people romantically, but it's not the impression they're giving off, and it's sabotaging the chances they have with the person they seem to really want. I've seen my ENFJ best friend shoot himself in the foot doing this, over & over again.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  7. #7
    Senior Member chris1207's Avatar
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    I totally relate to this but with girls (a,b, and c) rather than guys. We like girl A but we don't feel we're good enough for her so we go with B or C because they fill that void we have for a relationship. Not only that but if B or C reject us, we never like them in the first place so... whatev. It's a pretty vicious cycle and one that I haven't broken. It pains me to think that if I were "just myself" around girl A that I could have a real slice of happiness. I ain't steppin out of this shell any time soon tho...
    "... you think deeply about stuff [that] nobody cares about and hardly anybody can understand you." ~ Peguy talking about Ni users. So true.

  8. #8
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    I fall hard for just one person. I may have a flirtation going on with a few guys but it's surface only, innocent stuff on both sides. But I don't have TWO or more guys on the line seriously. I know what I want even when I don't think I know it already.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
    Neutral Good
    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  9. #9
    Senior Member Clonester's Avatar
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    I've seen that before. Maybe in the girls and not in the guys.

    Actually... that sounds like me. Sometimes I'll have several options but I don't commit to one because I'm not sure which one would work out best. I'm learning more and more not to live out my relationships in my head but let reality take its course and then go from there.
    ENFP Male: E-74% N-95% F-58% P-84% 3w2
    "I feel there are two people inside me - me and my intuition. If I go against her, she'll screw me every time, and if I follow her, we get along quite nicely." -Kim Basinger

  10. #10
    Senior Member Cypocalypse's Avatar
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    I'm just wondering. How much of this is due to an ENFJ's Fe not being able to dispose of unwanted guys.

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