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[ENFJ] ENFJ and long term relationships.

Cypocalypse

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How many ENFJs here gets into relationship troubles because of this:

Let's say, you're a charming ENFJ girl. You like, let's say, 3 or more guys.

Let's denote them as Guy A, Guy B, Guy C.

In your hierarchy list, you like Guy A the most. But there are also things that you like in Guy B, and Guy C.

However, you're too damn scared of dumping Guy B or Guy C, that you still entertain, or even enjoy their courtship, even if it may jeopardize your potentially best relationship in the works, with Guy A.

Guy A gets really jealous, but somehow, you still wish that he would understand your "friendship" with Guy B or Guy C, because cutting off ties with them would significantly affect your social life. Well, that's because Guy D and Guy E likes you too, to a certain extent.

And then you end up having troubles sustaining relationships yourself, because you get into cycles of losing Guy A's.
 

StormySunshine

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I think my ENFJ friend had the right idea when he had his parents arrange his marriage for him (they're Indian). With the huge burden of choosing a mate out of his hands, he's now happily married with two kids, owns his own physical therapy business, and best of all his personal life is drama free (as drama free as any marriage anyway). Now he has his personal life segregated from his social, and can make the connections with people he craves with his patients.
 

ChocolateMoose123

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How many ENFJs here gets into relationship troubles because of this:

Let's say, you're a charming ENFJ girl. You like, let's say, 3 or more guys.

Let's denote them as Guy A, Guy B, Guy C.

In your hierarchy list, you like Guy A the most. But there are also things that you like in Guy B, and Guy C.

However, you're too damn scared of dumping Guy B or Guy C, that you still entertain, or even enjoy their courtship, even if it may jeopardize your potentially best relationship in the works, with Guy A.

Guy A gets really jealous, but somehow, you still wish that he would understand your "friendship" with Guy B or Guy C, because cutting off ties with them would significantly affect your social life. Well, that's because Guy D and Guy E likes you too, to a certain extent.

And then you end up having troubles sustaining relationships yourself, because you get into cycles of losing Guy A's.

You could be up front with all of them -individually and privately - and let them know that you want to keep things casual. If that is what you want. I don't know where you're at or what your ultimate goal is. Do you want to have you cake and eat it to? Do you want more time to decide if A is the one you want to be with? Do you just like the attention you get from these swooning males? (who doesn't :newwink:).

Either way, you have to take initiative to decide what is best for you and if losing Guy A is an acceptable outcome if you decide to keep juggling. Find out what you want and be honest with that information with those who are physically and/or emotionally invested in you. They might not like it but they will appreciate it and respect it.
 

WieldingTheSword

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I almost feel like this situation is somewhat foreign to ENFJs, at least to me.

I consider ENFJs to be some of the most loyal, devoted types in romantic relationships, and I think their deep desire to be loved and accepted and cherished makes them likely to devote themselves solely to one individual. They may possibly be confused for a time being about more than one person, but I think they strive (perhaps the J influence?) to find ONE person they can commit to loving.

What do the other ENFJs think?
 

Drezoryx

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^ agreed with above, at most ENFJ would lose interest in Girl A and move to Girl B then lose interest in Girl B and move to Girl C without ever clarifying things to A or B or just giving cryptic/riddly hints to avoid conflict but they wont do it the way its described in OP.
 

OrangeAppled

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From an outside perspective, this is how some ENFJs can appear to me also, although I cannot explain how their thinking actually works.

I do know two who are married & seem quite happy, but the single ones seem like they cannot focus enough on one person to form a relationship, and yet they complain that they cannot get a longterm girlfriend, which is what they claim to desire. I kind of want to shake them. They could easily find someone if they would not cling to their consolation prize options. Maybe they don't view these people romantically, but it's not the impression they're giving off, and it's sabotaging the chances they have with the person they seem to really want. I've seen my ENFJ best friend shoot himself in the foot doing this, over & over again.
 

chris1207

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I totally relate to this but with girls (a,b, and c) rather than guys. We like girl A but we don't feel we're good enough for her so we go with B or C because they fill that void we have for a relationship. Not only that but if B or C reject us, we never like them in the first place so... whatev. It's a pretty vicious cycle and one that I haven't broken. It pains me to think that if I were "just myself" around girl A that I could have a real slice of happiness. I ain't steppin out of this shell any time soon tho... :(
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
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I fall hard for just one person. I may have a flirtation going on with a few guys but it's surface only, innocent stuff on both sides. But I don't have TWO or more guys on the line seriously. I know what I want even when I don't think I know it already.
 

Clonester

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I've seen that before. Maybe in the girls and not in the guys.

Actually... that sounds like me. Sometimes I'll have several options but I don't commit to one because I'm not sure which one would work out best. I'm learning more and more not to live out my relationships in my head but let reality take its course and then go from there.
 

Cypocalypse

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I'm just wondering. How much of this is due to an ENFJ's Fe not being able to dispose of unwanted guys.
 

a24kar

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I've seen evidence of an ENFJ having extreme difficulty breaking off a bad relationship. If the ENFJ's significant other is loving in the ways that makes the ENFJ feel special, then that ENFJ's significant other can be very, very, very BAD to/for the ENFJ themself and the ENFJ will stick around and take it as long as they feel they are being loved/appreciated. It can become a very vicious cycle of abuse.
 

jenocyde

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I think my ENFJ friend had the right idea when he had his parents arrange his marriage for him (they're Indian). With the huge burden of choosing a mate out of his hands, he's now

There is definitely something to that. I have a friend in an arranged marriage (non-Indian) and she couldn't be happier. It seems like if you have a caring family, they would know you well enough to know who you are truly compatible with.

How many ENFJs here gets into relationship troubles because of this:

:doh: I can't even begin to tell you how many ENFJ men I know that string women along like this. Loudly proclaiming that they are in love with a woman, then professing that love doesn't exist, then swearing love for yet another. My cousin has 4 in rotation right now that he is soooo in love with (his words), yet when you ask him directly which one he "loves more", he'll swear that love has no meaning or some such evasive bullshit.

There was one that he loved, but she loved him too much. Then there was another girl that he was really into, but she had a flat ass. Then when that girl left him, she was all he could think about while he was sleeping with a girl that he loved but couldn't commit to for yet another reason. I've just stopped listening. He stays friends with them all, and gets angry when a new love interest insists that he let these other women go.
 

TopherRed

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That sounds like an ENFJ that's out of control. I can place his exact issue, but I can say that's probably atypical.

Then again, I grew up with certain moral boundaries. I do flirt, but I don't intentionally string anyone along...it's hard, but you gotta break the line when you realize they aren't just playing and you went too far with the innocent flirting.
 

Domino

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Remember Fuzzy: We're the devil.
 

jenocyde

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No one said you were the devil, Pink. In fact, you are quite lovely (you specifically, and ENFJs in general). But everyone and every type has their issues and you can't get defensive every time someone says something remotely negative about ENFJs. Lord knows, I get NTP crap on a daily basis... It is what it is.
 

Domino

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No one said you were the devil, Pink. In fact, you are quite lovely (you specifically, and ENFJs in general). But everyone and every type has their issues and you can't get defensive every time someone says something remotely negative about ENFJs. Lord knows, I get NTP crap on a daily basis... It is what it is.

But my devilish shrine to you has pretty candles and shiny things glued to it! :(
 

TopherRed

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I wasn't terribly offended, it sounds like Jenocyde has some really shitty ENFJ male friends.

I try to be like :jesus: not :devil:. Can't say I'm perfect, but I'm not a scoundrel. Friends can attest to that.
 

jenocyde

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My cousin isn't shitty, he's just really fickle. Everybody loves him and worships him. It must be hard to be a man that all these women throw themselves at... I can hardly blame him. And the other ENFJ men I know are relatively the same. Super fickle, but in such high demand.

"With great power there must also come great responsibility" - Stan Lee
 

OrangeAppled

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^ This is true - they are very likable. The ENFJ men I know are rather homely, and yet they still have a lot of women interested in them because of their personality. They just look to the wrong areas for why they have trouble in establishing a long term relationship: "I'm not good-looking enough", "I don't make enough money", etc., but to me, it seems like they won't take the risk of focusing on one person. They end up with a fan club, but not emotional intimacy.

Like I said, I know ENFJs who don't have this issue either. It is just something that some fall into.


I'm just wondering. How much of this is due to an ENFJ's Fe not being able to dispose of unwanted guys.

It might be an NF thing in general to be bleeding hearts (I'm very guilty of that in dating). I wouldn't be surprised if that was part of the issue for ENFJs also.
 
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