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  1. #41
    Senior Member Cypocalypse's Avatar
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    I don't want to bring it into something like that. I actually intended the thread to be lighter in context.

    Simple scenario. Charming ENFJ girl has to choose sides between, let's say, two guys that go gaga over her.

    It's good if the girl would somehow act as an intermediary, but sometimes, an immature ENFJ would just act friendly to both sides, with little concern (or doing hardly much) about the tension that the two sides are having, creating the impression of an egotistical ENFJ side.

    "Hey, you guys can go crazy over me, but don't involve me in whatever tussles you're having."

    That's the kind of message the girl is sending.

    Which is sad, because ENFJs can be very very good people (very far from the stereotypical ESFJ party girl), but allegiance indecisiveness can make them lose a bit of a respect that they should be getting.

    ___________

    Worse, this a problem that ENFJs barely tell anyone (they hardly tell anything about themselves). They publicly show that SF-like smile, only to be weeping in moments of solitude (e.g., bedtime, etc).

  2. #42
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cypocalypse View Post
    I don't want to bring it into something like that. I actually intended the thread to be lighter in context.

    Simple scenario. Charming ENFJ girl has to choose sides between, let's say, two guys that go gaga over her.

    It's good if the girl would somehow act as an intermediary, but sometimes, an immature ENFJ would just act friendly to both sides, with little concern (or doing hardly much) about the tension that the two sides are having, creating the impression of an egotistical ENFJ side.


    "Hey, you guys can go crazy over me, but don't involve me in whatever tussles you're having."

    That's the kind of message the girl is sending.
    How is that immature? Intermediary in what way? These people are in control of their own feelings and aside from purposely leading these guys on (which I wouldn't say an outsider could tell...being neutrally "friendly" could just as easily be interpreted as flirting) why should this woman be asked to run interference? Why should she not be friendly to these guys? Basically, what I'm hearing you say is "These guys like her, but she doesn't seem to like any of them back and that's not fair to them. She should give them some reason to not like her, like acting like a bitch to them so their feelings will go away." Am I interpreting you correctly?

    And hey, I'm not going to lie, I'd be totally egotripping if I had three guys clamoring for my affections at once. That's some good market competition going on there and I'd be able to pick the best! Decisions like that call for at least two rounds of intensive retail therapy.

    My number one pet peeve on this forum is the frequency with which people come here complaining about the relationships in their life call the "offending" party IMMATURE and INSECURE. When people call others these things they imply, to me, that they have maturity and they are secure at least in relation to this poor immature and insecure person. If you have such a great vantage point, why are you asking internet strangers, who you can automatically get to sympathize and commiserate with your version of events why some person that you know better than we ever will know, why they are acting as they are? Yes, I am very skeptical of threads like this and the events people so often describe.

    The very best thing you can do to get a straight answer is ask this person yourself. But I know most people will not be that direct. People say they want a person who is direct but they are rarely willing to reciprocate that directness and are often offending when they are directly confronted about a situation. Tell this woman exactly what you've said in this thread and ask her why she's doing this. Ask her why she won't choose between these guys. From my understanding, she's not in a relationship with any of these men.

    LOL, I'm just picturing these three guys going up to this girl and demanding that she pick one. Make sure to tell these guys to bring pie charts and white papers to help her make her decision.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  3. #43
    Senior Member Cypocalypse's Avatar
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    How is that immature? Intermediary in what way? These people are in control of their own feelings and aside from purposely leading these guys on (which I wouldn't say an outsider could tell...being neutrally "friendly" could just as easily be interpreted as flirting) why should this woman be asked to run interference? Why should she not be friendly to these guys? Basically, what I'm hearing you say is "These guys like her, but she doesn't seem to like any of them back and that's not fair to them. She should give them some reason to not like her, like acting like a bitch to them so their feelings will go away." Am I interpreting you correctly?
    One part of the equation that is overlooked is that....

    The guys hate each other.

    Wouldn't be insensitive if the girl does nothing when she's the center of the conflict?

    And nope, there's no direct claim whatsoever that the person narrating the story is comparatively way more mature. No one claims to that.

  4. #44
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cypocalypse View Post
    One part of the equation that is overlooked is that....

    The guys hate each other.

    Wouldn't be insensitive if the girl does nothing when she's the center of the conflict?
    Their conflict is not her fault. Are you to blame because Apple and Microsoft hate each other?
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  5. #45
    Senior Member Drezoryx's Avatar
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    ^ nopes. the girl is free to do whatever she wants to. the guys can kiss ass.
    Type 8 sx/sp/so
    O:C:E:A:N :: 65:69:59:57:9

  6. #46
    Senior Member Cypocalypse's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post
    Their conflict is not her fault. Are you to blame because Apple and Microsoft hate each other?
    Not her fault, but she's involved. And her decision is what would settle everything, but she hesitates.

  7. #47
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cypocalypse View Post
    Not her fault, but she's involved. And her decision is what would settle everything, but she hesitates.
    But you're not seeing it's not her responsibility. "I blame you for making me and these other guys like you. Fix it." If you want to talk about putting someone in an awkward position and relieving tension, think about how much tension you're (general you, not you) are putting on her. It's her prerogative when and if she chooses any of them and if she decides to turn a cold shoulder towards those she doesn't choose. If she has to choose between equally good (or bad) options, the decision process will take longer or she may not make a decision at all. How do you say that from her perspective, one guy is better for her than another?

    And it's looks very chumpish that these are guys are sitting around waiting for her to pick one of them. Why doesn't one of them decide, hey I'm over this and remove themselves from the equation making it easier for her to choose between the remaining ones. If she loses out on all of them that will be on her.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  8. #48
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cypocalypse View Post
    The guys hate each other.
    That's a given. *morbid laugh*

    Agreed, Slumdog.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
    Neutral Good
    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  9. #49
    Member MmmCrazy's Avatar
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    OP, you might be my twin...

    I've honestly never had an issue with being fickle about choosing guys... until now.

    I just really appreciate guy A, B, and C for who they are and if I have to choose one, I want to keep the rest as friends. Bahhh. It's almost better to ignore all of them, but then I'd be very lonely.

  10. #50
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MmmCrazy View Post
    OP, you might be my twin...

    I've honestly never had an issue with being fickle about choosing guys... until now.

    I just really appreciate guy A, B, and C for who they are and if I have to choose one, I want to keep the rest as friends. Bahhh. It's almost better to ignore all of them, but then I'd be very lonely.
    Which one is devilish, smells pleasantly of tobacco and wears a top hat? Go for that one.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
    Neutral Good
    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

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