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  1. #1
    Junior Member CurlyJoe's Avatar
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    Default Dumped by an INFJ

    Hi,

    I was dumped by an INFJ woman 5 days ago and I am only now recovering from the shock. We had only been dating for two months, but everything seemed to be going great. It was not just my opinion: she kept telling me how much she liked me and that she was very optimistic about the relationship.

    The last time that I saw her was 9 days ago and something seemed wrong, but she explained it away by saying that she was tired. I thought nothing of it. She did not return my calls for a few days afterwards and then called me to end it. I expressed my surprise in the call but not much else: I was totally blindsided. We have not spoken since then.

    There was no "other woman" for me and I am certain that she did not leave for another guy. She explained that she had no feelings for me and so wanted to end it. She had told me several times, including during that call, that she lived with a guy for 9 years and it lasted years longer than it should have. She seems determined not to make the ame mistake again. But we didn't even last 9 weeks and she made no effort to communicate about things that could improve. Things went from absolute bliss to total rejection with no transition at all.

    I have a hard time getting my head around the "no feelings" reason because, as an ISTP, I never have feelings for someone after a short time. But I understand that different types are different.

    I plan to call her in a couple of days. I think that one week of thinking will prevent me from acting simply as a depressed, spurned lover. I really think that the relationship can work with a little effort. I think that she may be overcompensating to avoid previous mistakes.

    I would like some advice on how to approach the phone call.
    - Will she be open to discussing it or resent that I am re-opening what she thought was already closed?
    - She said that it was absolutely not my fault. I did nothing wrong. (It's not you, it's me... yadda, yadda, yadda.) But can I draw out any real reasons or will she stick to her original story?
    - Is there any hope for this?

    Thanks,
    CurlyJoe

  2. #2
    Badoom~ Skyward's Avatar
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    Default

    I cant add much because I have no real relationship experience.


    There is also a LOT of 'internal calculating and brooding' that we do. We put friends, family, associates and lovers through a gauntlet of tests to see if they are worth it. You might have done something that redflagged her mind? Or she was thinking about living without being in a relationship.

    The other INFJs here are very great people, you'll get more out of them than from me.
    'Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.' - Marilyn Monroe

    This is who I am, escapist, paradise-seeker.
    -Nightwish

    Anthropology Major out of Hamline University. St. Paul, Minnesota.

  3. #3
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skyward View Post
    There is also a LOT of 'internal calculating and brooding' that we do. We put friends, family, associates and lovers through a gauntlet of tests to see if they are worth it. You might have done something that redflagged her mind?
    This is what I'm thinking as well. Whenever I've up and disappeared like a wisp of smoke it's because I've really gone over the relationship I have with the person and have figured that it is not in my best interest to continue in it, for whatever reason.

  4. #4
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    My advice: If you're going to talk to her, tell her you want to completely understand where she's coming from. At that point, I'd ask her questions. Whatever it is you want to know: Did you have feelings for me before we started dating? Did something change while we were dating? What led you to make the decision you did? etc.

    If it were me, I'd respond to someone sincerely wanting to know why I've made a decision. I know she was the one who hurt you, but if you can avoid any kind of bitter or accusatory tone, that will only help you.

  5. #5
    Junior Member CurlyJoe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lauren Ashley View Post
    This is what I'm thinking as well. Whenever I've up and disappeared like a wisp of smoke it's because I've really gone over the relationship I have with the person and have figured that it is not in my best interest to continue in it, for whatever reason.
    Is it standard to disappear without ever discussing the reason with the other person? If we had been in a relationship for years and she was convinced that things wouldn't change, that would be one thing. But it was a short relationship. Maybe I had an off day. Maybe she misinterpreted something I did. As an SP, it's not in my nature to make a snap judgment on little info. I have a hard time understanding it in others.

    She is 40 years old. I guess I expected her to not expect perfection and to work out differences.

  6. #6
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    I'd go with the red flag theory, too. May not be anything that was done wrong, but just something she didn't feel would work for her.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  7. #7
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CurlyJoe View Post
    Is it standard to disappear without ever discussing the reason with the other person? If we had been in a relationship for years and she was convinced that things wouldn't change, that would be one thing. But it was a short relationship. Maybe I had an off day. Maybe she misinterpreted something I did. As an SP, it's not in my nature to make a snap judgment on little info. I have a hard time understanding it in others.

    She is 40 years old. I guess I expected her to not expect perfection and to work out differences.
    I'll discuss it with them, if they'd like. But usually when I leave, the person knows that I'm not happy with the situation, so it's not really a surprise. Maybe she thought because it was a short relationship it wasn't anything to really be bothered about? I don't know, I might be an INFJ but I have no idea what's going on in her head, I can only state what the reasons might be in my case.

    And if she is INFJ, it wasn't a snap judgment. It's something she thought about for some time before deciding. I thought SPs were the one who made snap judgments based on little info...? Anyway, I digress. Did you two talk about what was expected in the relationship? Did you get any subtle hints about things she didn't like?

    There might be hope if it was only a yellow flag and not a red flag. Or maybe orange (Sorry, I know you're probably not in the mood for jokes). But from what you've stated, it seems like her mind is made up. Unless you have anything else you want to share?

  8. #8
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CurlyJoe View Post
    Is it standard to disappear without ever discussing the reason with the other person? If we had been in a relationship for years and she was convinced that things wouldn't change, that would be one thing. But it was a short relationship. Maybe I had an off day. Maybe she misinterpreted something I did. As an SP, it's not in my nature to make a snap judgment on little info. I have a hard time understanding it in others.

    She is 40 years old. I guess I expected her to not expect perfection and to work out differences.
    At 40, she is probably pretty confident about knowing what she does and does not want. Relationship choices and preferences are almost completely subjective and a relationship of that little time, that was apparently obviously not going to work, does not merit a big blow-by-blow, 'we can work it out' conversation. Much better to rip that band-aid off and not waste your time or hers.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  9. #9
    Junior Member CurlyJoe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    ... a relationship of that little time, that was apparently obviously not going to work, does not merit a big blow-by-blow, 'we can work it out' conversation. Much better to rip that band-aid off and not waste your time or hers.
    It's obvious that the relationship was not worth her time. But by not giving me a credible reason, it's not obvious to me. I still think that she is a great woman (notwithstanding the fact that she just brutally dumped me) and good ones like this do not come around often.

    If I don't do anything, then I'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of my life.
    (I saw on a website that Humphrey Bogart was an ISTP.)

  10. #10
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CurlyJoe View Post
    It's obvious that the relationship was not worth her time. But by not giving me a credible reason, it's not obvious to me. I still think that she is a great woman (notwithstanding the fact that she just brutally dumped me) and good ones like this do not come around often.

    If I don't do anything, then I'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of my life.
    (I saw on a website that Humphrey Bogart was an ISTP.)
    You seem like a genuine enough person. I'd say talk to her, definitely. And approach it the way istina outlined. There's no guarantee she'll change her mind, but at least you'll have some sort of closure.

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