User Tag List

12 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 17

Thread: INFJ Parents

  1. #1
    Patron Saint Of Smileys Gloriana's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6w5
    Socionics
    INFJ
    Posts
    950

    Question INFJ Parents

    I was inspired by Cafe's post on the maternal thread, so thanks to Cafe first of all.

    I've often wondered what it will be like being a parent as an INFJ. I worry sometimes that I might not do well because of my desire for time 'alone inside my head'. I worry that my tendency for one-on-one friendships as opposed to a big social network of friends might be a negative influence or something.

    I worry about (obviously) being a worrier and fear raising a scared kid (I know I could give good 'verbal' sort of instructions but I know children learn most by example and the behavior they see in their caregivers, so I worry about what things my child might pick up about me that I don't realize I do, that sort of thing). I certainly have all sorts of ideas about parenting in my head but I know how different the real world experience can be from the idea in my head.

    My ex, whom I think was an ISTJ, were planning on children. Now, I am so glad we did not have any together because it was really a very toxic relationship. I'm not condemning everyone of that type by the behavior he exhibited, but I'm thinking now I might be better off with an EP type, or basically just someone who is a good balance from my demeanor so our kids would have 'the best of both worlds' as it were.

    I was wondering about any of you INFJ ladies and gentlemen with children, and what parenthood has been like for you? What have been the challenges and joys, the rewards and your different approaches. What are some things you've learned that might be good tips for a prospective INFJ parent? What type is your partner and how has that worked in terms of raising the little ones?

    Also, if you had an INFJ parent yourself, what was that like for you? Anything particular you've observed about the INFJ parenting style first hand?

    I'd love to read any feedback
    "Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get, but if you work really hard, and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you...amazing things will happen" --Conan O'Brien

  2. #2
    Badoom~ Skyward's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    MBTI
    infj
    Enneagram
    9w1
    Posts
    1,087

    Default

    My dad is an INFJ.

    My dad is more of the working type (He grew up on a farm) and always has something for me to do that will build my work ethic or 'character,' I usually get anxious when he comes home or when he works from home because he'll usually be working on SOMETHING around the house and will ask me to help him. Thankfully I got used to it and now at my host family's old house I am more open to helping.

    He is also very VERY caring. Yet, I rarely see him cry (only when relatives or good friends died. I could really tell he was holding back a wave of tears the whole morning of my departure to Finland.

    Some of my favorite memories were simple ones, like sitting on the small tractor trailer that was under a large tree in our back yard and just talking about things.
    'Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.' - Marilyn Monroe

    This is who I am, escapist, paradise-seeker.
    -Nightwish

    Anthropology Major out of Hamline University. St. Paul, Minnesota.

  3. #3
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    22

    Default

    I'm an INFJ and my mother, too, is an INFJ. As in any parent/child relationship, there were good and bad points. I grew up with someone I could bounce my Ni ideas off of. My mom and I would talk psychology and analyze people and situations going on in our lives. It was a great thing because I didn't feel too weird growing up. I was really allowed to exercise my imagination as a child. It wasn't until I got older and moved out that I realized that most people don't think the same way I do. My mom was kind of a shield. She and I understood each other and we could shake our heads and assure each other that my ISTJ dad just didn't understand. Later on I had to learn that the majority of the population is more like my dad and it was hard to adjust.

    In the negative column, I really hated that she knew me so well. I went to very great lengths as a child to keep things from her because I needed my own space for my own thoughts and to be my own person. Because she was an INFJ, though, she very often knew what I was thinking and what I was trying to do. It drove me away from her a little.

    Her small group of friends didn't affect me at all. I always made friends easily as a child. It wasn't until I was older that it's become more difficult. Her worrying sometimes put worries on me that I might not have had otherwise, but at some point I realized she was being a worrywart and I'd call her out on it.

    Because I'm an INFJ, though, it's hard to tell what affect she had on me as an INFJ parent and what is explained because I'm an INFJ.

    She's a great mom, though. There are complaints here and there, but who doesn't have them?

    Hopefully that'll be somewhat helpful.

  4. #4
    Senior Member SciVo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    924
    Posts
    244

    Default

    My dad, I finally discovered, is an INFJ. I have a good adult relationship with him now. However, when I was a child, he was often angry and/or unavailable. I appreciate the many things that he taught me, and from reading Please Understand Me II I see that it's rare for someone like me to have even one (let alone two!) understanding NF parents. I also know from family oral history that he made great strides beyond his own upbringing. I still can't help wishing that he'd somehow magically been able to double-transcend his own childhood and be even healthier for me, but in the end it's enough (and more than many have) that he lifted me to where I could easily learn better. I'm sure you'll do fine... if I could make one recommendation, though, it would be to find an alternative (any alternative!) to corporal punishment of your theoretical future offspring.
    INFP ~ Fi/Ne/Ni/Te ~ 9-2-4 sp/so

  5. #5
    Senior Member Scott N Denver's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Posts
    2,899

    Default

    can you get your hands on a copy of Motherstyles by Janet Penley? Amongst many other things, it lists strengths and struggles for each type. INFJ is the "know thyself" mother, strengths are: "connecting one on one with each child", "providing emotional support" "profundity" and "creativity", and struggles are: "details", "real life vs the ideal" and "giving too much" with elaborations on each of those points

  6. #6
    Magical BlackCat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    MBTI
    ESFP
    Enneagram
    9w8 sx/sp
    Socionics
    SEE Fi
    Posts
    7,002

    Default

    Mothering Style and MBTI Type

    I see that as usual INFJs are special enough for their own thread, when there could have been a thread made for all types "Type and parenting" etc.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  7. #7
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    MBTI
    ISTP
    Posts
    91

    Default



    Interesting thread. I think i'd love to have an INFJ parent myself. (but then, i don't have one so I'm not exactly qualified to say much)

    I think the biggest potential problem is if i had a DEPRESSED INFJ as a parent :eek::confused: Would not know how to help, would feel utterly helpless + crappy.

    But then again, it'd be like that with any other depressed parent. (just that i've known depressed/neurotic INFJs are those are :horor: no joke.)

  8. #8
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    9w1
    Socionics
    INFj None
    Posts
    9,827

    Default

    Oh dear. Sorry if I scared you.

    The thing to keep in mind with me is that I left home at 21 to live in the dorms, got married the day after school let out in the spring, had our first child a few days before our first anniversary, and our fourth child when our oldest child was five and a half. We were young, poor, were still getting to know each other, and didn't have much of a support network. That is doing it the hard way. So it's no wonder I felt exhausted and overwhelmed a lot of the time.

    I can be a worrier and although my kids are not daredevils, they seem to dismiss my tendency to worry more than they take it onto themselves. Sometimes if you know your child is safe barring some freak accident, you just have to cross your fingers and cheer them on, even if you are worried. If you don't make it their responsibility to look after you, they probably won't spend a lot of time wondering about your emotions, etc. They have other things on their minds, like how to get around you.

    Details are one of the biggest banes of my parenting existence. It is hard to keep up with all the stuff you are supposed to keep track of when they get in school. I have a lot of alarms set on my cell phone to help me not be late getting them places and picking them up, etc. I have been waylaid by teachers with permission slips and pens more than once.

    The introversion thing has definitely been a challenge. I am almost always around and available, but I enjoy reading and being on the computer so the kids have become pretty good about entertaining themselves and one another. I know when they were little I sometimes let them make messes because while they were making the mess, they were happy and busy and it bought me a little time to myself.

    I hate disciplining. I rarely have to do more than threaten to restrict access to electronics now, but when they were little it was a big, yucky, necessary part of the job. I don't like telling other people what to do, I don't like being the leader, I don't know why we can't all get along, but part of growing up is learning where the lines are and, IMO, part of parenting is teaching where the lines are. I can't tell you how glad I am that I have to do so little of it now.

    Marriage while parenting is another challenge. I have come to the conclusion that a couple with small children is just going to feel overworked, under-appreciated, and occasionally resentful towards one another. You feel that way because you are overworked and under-appreciated. Little ones are hard work and most of us don't get a lot of support. My husband and I seemed to have navigated it without a lot of permanent damage. I think we did it by trying to stay on the same page and back each other up with the kids and a habit of general civility, if that makes sense. We try not to be rude to one another even when we are cranky or frustrated, etc.

    Joys. The smell of your baby's hair after a bath. The sound of their first laughs. When they stop nursing to look up and smile at you with milk dribbling down their chins. You get to read The Monster at the End of this Book, Are You My Mother?, Green Eggs and Ham and all kinds of other cool books like a crazy freak. They bring you handfuls of sweaty, smashed dandelion heads. A band-aid and a kiss from you cures minor injuries like some kind of super power. That's just the first few years.

    The rewards for me are seeing my child become indignant about someone else being treated unfairly, having them disagree with me on an ethical issue and sticking to their guns, seeing other people come to like them and see the same good things in them that I do (Yes, I'm biased, but I'm not delusional. Yay!) and some good things I hadn't noticed yet. Etc.

    For an INFJ, I suggest trying to make sure you have access to a good support network so that you can have a few hours of alone time and also a few hours of alone time with your partner weekly if possible. If you can, breastfeed and co-sleep. It's good for bonding, getting more rest, and saving money.

    I could say more, but I am getting sleepy. It's time for my nap. :zzz:
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  9. #9
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    7w6
    Socionics
    ENFp
    Posts
    6,075

    Default

    In my experience an INFJ parent needs to be careful that they don't get caught up in judging what is around them so that they can reach the inside of them that is an amazingly understanding parent. An INFJ parent can be giving, loving, understanding, willing to do anything for their children. They can also be overly demanding or focus on unimportant things around them ("is your room clean?")

    An INFJ parent can be amazing when they remember what to focus on.

    I try not to post too much in INFJ threads because my experience has been tempered with being married since we were kids (ages 20/23). An adult INFJ might have developed differently from an INFJ with an ENFP wife hanging around.

  10. #10
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    157

    Default

    My mother must have been an INFJ. She was an introverted artist and if she had been born 20 years later she might well have been a flower child of the 60's. When mom made pancakes she would have us stand on a stool by the stove to drop the batter on to the hot griddle, making whatever pancake shape we wanted. For our birthday mom would present each of us with a plainly frosted cake so we could decorate the cake as we wanted. Mom seldom yelled at us and never spanked us but I remember one time getting a slap on the shoulder for getting out of line. My mother's dirty look was the message that she was unhappy with us, I always felt bad when I got 'the look'. Mom pretty much encouraged us to be ourselves but taking responsibility for our actions was forefront in her style. She often would take us at our word when telling our side of the story, and we usually were truthful but in my teens I have to admit I lied to her and my father several times. Mom would be hurt if she found out we were lying to her, it kept us pretty honest.

    My father was the difficult parent. He was the one who spanked us and yelled when he got mad.

    I grew up assuming that I wanted to have a family but it actually took me 8 years after I got married to decide on having a child. Although I didn't know anything about being an INFJ, I did know that it would be the biggest commitment of my life and I have to admit that I was pretty confident that I would be a good mother. My second child was born (surprise!) 8 years after the first, I think it was a little more difficult with her because I hadn't been as prepared. I did spank my son a few times when he was young but I gave it up when I realized that I was lashing out from frustration when all he was doing was being a kid...and kids are annoying, there's no way around it. Luckily, my son doesn't remember me spanking him. My daughter was never slapped or spanked although I remember pinching her on the arm once. I loved being a mommy and sometimes I still miss that identity I had. We had a lot of good times back then. I don't know if it's an INFJ thing or not but I didn't like attending scouts, doing birthday parties, being stuck at wrestling matches, being obligated to haul all their little friends around...things like that. I suppose part of it was that I was stuck making chit chat with the other parents, dealing with commotion and noise, etc. I always thought of my children as little people who were given to me to look after until they were out on their own, I never thought of them as a possession like some people do. I have to mention that both of my kids are either INFJ or INFP. They were always happy to sit still and read a book, courteous, kind, quiet, etc. so raising them was pretty easy overall. Both of them are wonderful adults now and doing really well.

Similar Threads

  1. [INFJ] ENFP parent and INFJ child
    By Immaculate Cloud in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 21
    Last Post: 11-23-2016, 02:42 AM
  2. [INFJ] Help me understand my angry INFJ parents
    By Kho in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 31
    Last Post: 05-02-2016, 12:24 AM
  3. [MBTItm] INFJ parenting an ESFP... Insight from other NFs parenting SPs?
    By mwv6r in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 06-04-2013, 11:19 PM
  4. [INFJ] Any INFJ girls?
    By findthejake in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 157
    Last Post: 05-11-2008, 04:58 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO