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[INFJ] INFJ Parents

Gloriana

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I was inspired by Cafe's post on the maternal thread, so thanks to Cafe first of all. :)

I've often wondered what it will be like being a parent as an INFJ. I worry sometimes that I might not do well because of my desire for time 'alone inside my head'. I worry that my tendency for one-on-one friendships as opposed to a big social network of friends might be a negative influence or something.

I worry about (obviously) being a worrier and fear raising a scared kid (I know I could give good 'verbal' sort of instructions but I know children learn most by example and the behavior they see in their caregivers, so I worry about what things my child might pick up about me that I don't realize I do, that sort of thing). I certainly have all sorts of ideas about parenting in my head but I know how different the real world experience can be from the idea in my head.

My ex, whom I think was an ISTJ, were planning on children. Now, I am so glad we did not have any together because it was really a very toxic relationship. I'm not condemning everyone of that type by the behavior he exhibited, but I'm thinking now I might be better off with an EP type, or basically just someone who is a good balance from my demeanor so our kids would have 'the best of both worlds' as it were.

I was wondering about any of you INFJ ladies and gentlemen with children, and what parenthood has been like for you? What have been the challenges and joys, the rewards and your different approaches. What are some things you've learned that might be good tips for a prospective INFJ parent? What type is your partner and how has that worked in terms of raising the little ones?

Also, if you had an INFJ parent yourself, what was that like for you? Anything particular you've observed about the INFJ parenting style first hand?

I'd love to read any feedback :)
 

Skyward

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My dad is an INFJ.

My dad is more of the working type (He grew up on a farm) and always has something for me to do that will build my work ethic or 'character,' I usually get anxious when he comes home or when he works from home because he'll usually be working on SOMETHING around the house and will ask me to help him. Thankfully I got used to it and now at my host family's old house I am more open to helping.

He is also very VERY caring. Yet, I rarely see him cry (only when relatives or good friends died. I could really tell he was holding back a wave of tears the whole morning of my departure to Finland.

Some of my favorite memories were simple ones, like sitting on the small tractor trailer that was under a large tree in our back yard and just talking about things.
 

istina

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I'm an INFJ and my mother, too, is an INFJ. As in any parent/child relationship, there were good and bad points. I grew up with someone I could bounce my Ni ideas off of. My mom and I would talk psychology and analyze people and situations going on in our lives. It was a great thing because I didn't feel too weird growing up. I was really allowed to exercise my imagination as a child. It wasn't until I got older and moved out that I realized that most people don't think the same way I do. My mom was kind of a shield. She and I understood each other and we could shake our heads and assure each other that my ISTJ dad just didn't understand. Later on I had to learn that the majority of the population is more like my dad and it was hard to adjust.

In the negative column, I really hated that she knew me so well. I went to very great lengths as a child to keep things from her because I needed my own space for my own thoughts and to be my own person. Because she was an INFJ, though, she very often knew what I was thinking and what I was trying to do. It drove me away from her a little.

Her small group of friends didn't affect me at all. I always made friends easily as a child. It wasn't until I was older that it's become more difficult. Her worrying sometimes put worries on me that I might not have had otherwise, but at some point I realized she was being a worrywart and I'd call her out on it.

Because I'm an INFJ, though, it's hard to tell what affect she had on me as an INFJ parent and what is explained because I'm an INFJ.

She's a great mom, though. There are complaints here and there, but who doesn't have them?

Hopefully that'll be somewhat helpful.
 

SciVo

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My dad, I finally discovered, is an INFJ. I have a good adult relationship with him now. However, when I was a child, he was often angry and/or unavailable. I appreciate the many things that he taught me, and from reading Please Understand Me II I see that it's rare for someone like me to have even one (let alone two!) understanding NF parents. I also know from family oral history that he made great strides beyond his own upbringing. I still can't help wishing that he'd somehow magically been able to double-transcend his own childhood and be even healthier for me, but in the end it's enough (and more than many have) that he lifted me to where I could easily learn better. I'm sure you'll do fine... if I could make one recommendation, though, it would be to find an alternative (any alternative!) to corporal punishment of your theoretical future offspring.
 

Scott N Denver

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can you get your hands on a copy of Motherstyles by Janet Penley? Amongst many other things, it lists strengths and struggles for each type. INFJ is the "know thyself" mother, strengths are: "connecting one on one with each child", "providing emotional support" "profundity" and "creativity", and struggles are: "details", "real life vs the ideal" and "giving too much" with elaborations on each of those points
 

Twixt

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:popc1:

Interesting thread. I think i'd love to have an INFJ parent myself. (but then, i don't have one so I'm not exactly qualified to say much)

I think the biggest potential problem is if i had a DEPRESSED INFJ as a parent :eek::9436::ohmy::frown::confused: Would not know how to help, would feel utterly helpless + crappy.

But then again, it'd be like that with any other depressed parent. (just that i've known depressed/neurotic INFJs are those are :horor: no joke.)
 

cafe

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Oh dear. Sorry if I scared you.

The thing to keep in mind with me is that I left home at 21 to live in the dorms, got married the day after school let out in the spring, had our first child a few days before our first anniversary, and our fourth child when our oldest child was five and a half. We were young, poor, were still getting to know each other, and didn't have much of a support network. That is doing it the hard way. So it's no wonder I felt exhausted and overwhelmed a lot of the time.

I can be a worrier and although my kids are not daredevils, they seem to dismiss my tendency to worry more than they take it onto themselves. Sometimes if you know your child is safe barring some freak accident, you just have to cross your fingers and cheer them on, even if you are worried. If you don't make it their responsibility to look after you, they probably won't spend a lot of time wondering about your emotions, etc. They have other things on their minds, like how to get around you.

Details are one of the biggest banes of my parenting existence. It is hard to keep up with all the stuff you are supposed to keep track of when they get in school. I have a lot of alarms set on my cell phone to help me not be late getting them places and picking them up, etc. I have been waylaid by teachers with permission slips and pens more than once. :whistling:

The introversion thing has definitely been a challenge. I am almost always around and available, but I enjoy reading and being on the computer so the kids have become pretty good about entertaining themselves and one another. I know when they were little I sometimes let them make messes because while they were making the mess, they were happy and busy and it bought me a little time to myself. :peepwall:

I hate disciplining. I rarely have to do more than threaten to restrict access to electronics now, but when they were little it was a big, yucky, necessary part of the job. I don't like telling other people what to do, I don't like being the leader, I don't know why we can't all get along, but part of growing up is learning where the lines are and, IMO, part of parenting is teaching where the lines are. I can't tell you how glad I am that I have to do so little of it now.

Marriage while parenting is another challenge. I have come to the conclusion that a couple with small children is just going to feel overworked, under-appreciated, and occasionally resentful towards one another. You feel that way because you are overworked and under-appreciated. Little ones are hard work and most of us don't get a lot of support. My husband and I seemed to have navigated it without a lot of permanent damage. I think we did it by trying to stay on the same page and back each other up with the kids and a habit of general civility, if that makes sense. We try not to be rude to one another even when we are cranky or frustrated, etc.

Joys. The smell of your baby's hair after a bath. The sound of their first laughs. When they stop nursing to look up and smile at you with milk dribbling down their chins. You get to read The Monster at the End of this Book, Are You My Mother?, Green Eggs and Ham and all kinds of other cool books like a crazy freak. :yes: They bring you handfuls of sweaty, smashed dandelion heads. A band-aid and a kiss from you cures minor injuries like some kind of super power. That's just the first few years.

The rewards for me are seeing my child become indignant about someone else being treated unfairly, having them disagree with me on an ethical issue and sticking to their guns, seeing other people come to like them and see the same good things in them that I do (Yes, I'm biased, but I'm not delusional. Yay!) and some good things I hadn't noticed yet. Etc.

For an INFJ, I suggest trying to make sure you have access to a good support network so that you can have a few hours of alone time and also a few hours of alone time with your partner weekly if possible. If you can, breastfeed and co-sleep. It's good for bonding, getting more rest, and saving money.

I could say more, but I am getting sleepy. It's time for my nap. :zzz:
 

Laurie

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In my experience an INFJ parent needs to be careful that they don't get caught up in judging what is around them so that they can reach the inside of them that is an amazingly understanding parent. An INFJ parent can be giving, loving, understanding, willing to do anything for their children. They can also be overly demanding or focus on unimportant things around them ("is your room clean?")

An INFJ parent can be amazing when they remember what to focus on.

I try not to post too much in INFJ threads because my experience has been tempered with being married since we were kids (ages 20/23). An adult INFJ might have developed differently from an INFJ with an ENFP wife hanging around.
 

lillyofthevalley

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My mother must have been an INFJ. She was an introverted artist and if she had been born 20 years later she might well have been a flower child of the 60's. When mom made pancakes she would have us stand on a stool by the stove to drop the batter on to the hot griddle, making whatever pancake shape we wanted. For our birthday mom would present each of us with a plainly frosted cake so we could decorate the cake as we wanted. Mom seldom yelled at us and never spanked us but I remember one time getting a slap on the shoulder for getting out of line. My mother's dirty look was the message that she was unhappy with us, I always felt bad when I got 'the look'. Mom pretty much encouraged us to be ourselves but taking responsibility for our actions was forefront in her style. She often would take us at our word when telling our side of the story, and we usually were truthful but in my teens I have to admit I lied to her and my father several times. Mom would be hurt if she found out we were lying to her, it kept us pretty honest.

My father was the difficult parent. He was the one who spanked us and yelled when he got mad.

I grew up assuming that I wanted to have a family but it actually took me 8 years after I got married to decide on having a child. Although I didn't know anything about being an INFJ, I did know that it would be the biggest commitment of my life and I have to admit that I was pretty confident that I would be a good mother. My second child was born (surprise!) 8 years after the first, I think it was a little more difficult with her because I hadn't been as prepared. I did spank my son a few times when he was young but I gave it up when I realized that I was lashing out from frustration when all he was doing was being a kid...and kids are annoying, there's no way around it. Luckily, my son doesn't remember me spanking him. My daughter was never slapped or spanked although I remember pinching her on the arm once. I loved being a mommy and sometimes I still miss that identity I had. We had a lot of good times back then. I don't know if it's an INFJ thing or not but I didn't like attending scouts, doing birthday parties, being stuck at wrestling matches, being obligated to haul all their little friends around...things like that. I suppose part of it was that I was stuck making chit chat with the other parents, dealing with commotion and noise, etc. I always thought of my children as little people who were given to me to look after until they were out on their own, I never thought of them as a possession like some people do. I have to mention that both of my kids are either INFJ or INFP. They were always happy to sit still and read a book, courteous, kind, quiet, etc. so raising them was pretty easy overall. Both of them are wonderful adults now and doing really well.
 

mwv6r

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http://www.geocities.com/lifexplore/infj.htm:

"As parents, INFJs usually are fiercely devoted. A female INFJ, particularly, is linked to her children in a way different from the other types: with almost a psychic symbiosis. This deep bond can create an over-dependency that can be unhealthy for both mother and child. At the same time, INFJs tend to be good friends with their children, while firm in discipline. They usually are concerned about the comfort of a home and most especially the comfort, physical health, and emotional well-being of both mates and children."

This sounds about right to me. I'm looking forward to hopefully one day being a parent, though hopefully I'll avoid the over-dependency stuff. I know raising a child will be a lot of work but from what I hear it is a connection like no other.

I think INFJ parents would excel in appreciating their child for the person that they are, as opposed to the person that the parent wants the child to be.
 

entropie

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if I imagine about my infj girl being a mother I see besides a great sum of good things a huge need for a more relaxed father figure :D. Not that I wont have her back on tough decisions, but good at balance she aint... yet :D
 

Gloriana

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http://www.geocities.com/lifexplore/infj.htm:

"As parents, INFJs usually are fiercely devoted. A female INFJ, particularly, is linked to her children in a way different from the other types: with almost a psychic symbiosis. This deep bond can create an over-dependency that can be unhealthy for both mother and child. At the same time, INFJs tend to be good friends with their children, while firm in discipline. They usually are concerned about the comfort of a home and most especially the comfort, physical health, and emotional well-being of both mates and children."

This sounds about right to me. I'm looking forward to hopefully one day being a parent, though hopefully I'll avoid the over-dependency stuff. I know raising a child will be a lot of work but from what I hear it is a connection like no other.

I think INFJ parents would excel in appreciating their child for the person that they are, as opposed to the person that the parent wants the child to be.

First, thanks everybody for the feedback and links!! :D

I have thought a lot about deep attachment and all of that, deep down I've always sort of felt that my job as a Mom would be to raise the child so he or she will be as prepared and well rounded as possible for when the day comes I have to let them go. I figure the 'letting go' process will start when they go to school for the first time and then continue on from there, lol.

Ideally I would want to get through the tumultuous teenage period well so that when my son or daughter moved on to their own life that they still felt they had a place to come if they needed it. That sort of thing.

One of the things that always pops into my head when I think about becoming a Mom is that 'ebb and flow' of life. How my own family dynamic and structure changed a lot over the years. I remember how it was when my older brother and I were little, how it was when we got a little older, how it was when he left for college, then when I moved out, and so on.

Like all these different 'eras' that were constantly changing. If anything, I think a lot about my tendency to get too wigged out when there is that shift, feeling way too overly sentimental and emotional about it. These days I try to remember that there's always a new era about to start when one ends, and I try to go with that. I'd like to be able to keep pace with that fast pace of change involved as a child ages, and be able to let those different 'eras' end when they should so progress keeps going.

I definitely relate to wanting my child to be who they are rather than who I want them to be. I never liked jocks, but if I had a kid that was a jock I would go to EVERY friggin' game and support it if they loved athletics. In a way that's one of the most exciting thoughts for me, to see how my children would progress and who they would grow into.

I'm getting to be more of a laid back little entity. I hope to do more of this before I grow me some babies :D
 

lillyofthevalley

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First, thanks everybody for the feedback and links!! :D

I have thought a lot about deep attachment and all of that, deep down I've always sort of felt that my job as a Mom would be to raise the child so he or she will be as prepared and well rounded as possible for when the day comes I have to let them go. I figure the 'letting go' process will start when they go to school for the first time and then continue on from there, lol.

Ideally I would want to get through the tumultuous teenage period well so that when my son or daughter moved on to their own life that they still felt they had a place to come if they needed it. That sort of thing.

One of the things that always pops into my head when I think about becoming a Mom is that 'ebb and flow' of life. How my own family dynamic and structure changed a lot over the years. I remember how it was when my older brother and I were little, how it was when we got a little older, how it was when he left for college, then when I moved out, and so on.

Like all these different 'eras' that were constantly changing. If anything, I think a lot about my tendency to get too wigged out when there is that shift, feeling way too overly sentimental and emotional about it. These days I try to remember that there's always a new era about to start when one ends, and I try to go with that. I'd like to be able to keep pace with that fast pace of change involved as a child ages, and be able to let those different 'eras' end when they should so progress keeps going.

I definitely relate to wanting my child to be who they are rather than who I want them to be. I never liked jocks, but if I had a kid that was a jock I would go to EVERY friggin' game and support it if they loved athletics. In a way that's one of the most exciting thoughts for me, to see how my children would progress and who they would grow into.

I'm getting to be more of a laid back little entity. I hope to do more of this before I grow me some babies :D

I definitely spent lots of time on gym benches, out on the soccer fields, getting up at 5AM to have everything ready for the swim meets, etc. My son wasn't that much of a jock but he wanted to participate with the other kids and I was all about supporting him. I think one of the advantages to being an INFJ and a parent is my ability to read body language and being alert to thought processes. It allowed me to tune in to their emotions and maybe monitor them a little better. I was much more likely to look at a situation from their point of view while their dad was likely to see things in terms of right and wrong. I loved watching them develop from one stage to another, each step they went through was a wonder to me and an opportunity for me to learn along with them.

I think INFJ's make wonderful parents as long as they are prepared to adapt to raising children, it's an incredible experience and so, so, worth it but there's a certain amount of sacrifice involved which feels a bit like a splintering of one's self for the greater good. Also, I think it's very important that before deciding on starting a family that the future parents learn about each other's parenting styles and values.
 

Lily Bart

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You'll probably read every parenting book there is to try to be the best mother you can. You'll second guess every hard decision you make. You'll really struggle with the emotional stuff (both the good and the bad). You'll probably want to avoid the difficult stuff, but your strong sense of responsibility will make you tough it out and you'll be a better person for it in the long run. You'll have very, very close relationships to your children, but they will probably need to do quite a lot of rebelling in their teenage years, which is normal and the right thing to do. As an NF, you'll probably be intrigued by their rebellion and secretly supportive, although you'll probably feel hurt and angry, too. Things will be much better after that. Your kids will probably turn into really good friends that you will be very proud of as they mature. The most important thing you will need is someone to talk to -- a really supportive and patient husband would be great, and if not, your mom or a good friend. You'll need that person to work through all the draining emotional pros and cons of raising your children right. The second most important thing you'll need is a really good sense of humor -- if you've got that then everything else should be OK!
 

Gibbs

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Ideally I would want to get through the tumultuous teenage period well so that when my son or daughter moved on to their own life that they still felt they had a place to come if they needed it. That sort of thing.

Both my husband and I are INFJs, and we have two teenage daughters. The good news is that we have achieved exactly what you describe. We are on very good terms with both daughters. The older daughter is in college, but often comes home on the weekends to be with us. And the younger daughter is loving having us to herself now that our older daughter is away at college.

So, it's completely possible for you! Parenting as an INFJ hasn't always been easy, but there certainly are many, many rewards. And I have felt, and still feel, that my NF personality makes me an excellent parent.
 

wedekit

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I haven't posted here in quite some time. But this thread caught my attention so I thought I would write some comments.

The rewards for me are seeing my child become indignant about someone else being treated unfairly, having them disagree with me on an ethical issue and sticking to their guns

^ This is the part I'm looking forward to! The one thing I want for my children (beyond basic necessities to sustain their lives :blush:) is the ability to feel strongly about things that matter and to stand up for what they believe.... even if their opinions differ from my own.


I did know that it would be the biggest commitment of my life and I have to admit that I was pretty confident that I would be a good mother.

Haha. This made me laugh. I feel the same way. Sometimes my friends and I joke about having a baby if we're not married by the time we're 35. I always tell them flat out "Parenting is serious business!" and "Psh... I know I'd be a good parent."
 
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