[ENFJ] Hangin with ENFJ's = Exhausting

[Phoenix_400]

Alright, I'm taking a risk here since one of my friends has discovered some of these forums and enjoys pokin' around. I'm rollin' with this anyway.

I could use some advice and would also like to know if this is typical of the type. I've got 2 ENFJ friends that I hang out with. I can handle either of them alone and have a great time. Problem is, when you get the 2 of them together I forget how much they feed off of each other. If I know I'm around both of them and I haven't brought my "A game", I'm pretty much screwed. I don't think its intentional, again they just kinda feed off each others energy, but its so exhausting. I really enjoy my time with them, not many people get me like that. Its just that I know with the both of 'em together, at some point its going to go from playfully pelting snowballs at each other to me tryin' to outrun an avalanche.

One of them seems to catch when I'm getting annoyed most of the time and tries to pull it back (which I greatly appreciate) but then gets caught back up in it if the other keeps things rolling.

I'm not sure exactly how to handle the situation. I'm much closer to one than the other, but I'm worried about getting a straight answer out of them. I know how much they worry about others and don't like hurting people's feelings. So, I can see it going like I've hurt their feelings because they didn't realize I was upset(which isn't my intention) and they're going to try not to hurt my feelings working this out. Even though I've said on numerous occasions "I'll take a hard truth over a cozy lie any day."

Is this just something typical of type? Should I just grow some thicker skin and ignore it? How should I bring it up if not?

Right now I'm looking at ways to limit interaction with them without hurting their feelings. Its hard to engage them one on one anymore (where I enjoy their company and I think they really shine) since they're kinda attached at the hip these days. I really would like to be able to hang with them as a group though, I know they'd prefer it.

Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

 

[proteanmix]

Answer: Red Bull and Vodka! Stamina, people. Stamina.

On a side note, I was going to make the next DC meetup longer but then I realized the introverts may get tired.

I (may) think of a more serious reply later.

 

[Goatman455]

Alright, I'm taking a risk here since one of my friends has discovered some of these forums and enjoys pokin' around. I'm rollin' with this anyway.

I could use some advice and would also like to know if this is typical of the type. I've got 2 ENFJ friends that I hang out with. I can handle either of them alone and have a great time. Problem is, when you get the 2 of them together I forget how much they feed off of each other. If I know I'm around both of them and I haven't brought my "A game", I'm pretty much screwed. I don't think its intentional, again they just kinda feed off each others energy, but its so exhausting. I really enjoy my time with them, not many people get me like that. Its just that I know with the both of 'em together, at some point its going to go from playfully pelting snowballs at each other to me tryin' to outrun an avalanche.

One of them seems to catch when I'm getting annoyed most of the time and tries to pull it back (which I greatly appreciate) but then gets caught back up in it if the other keeps things rolling.

I'm not sure exactly how to handle the situation. I'm much closer to one than the other, but I'm worried about getting a straight answer out of them. I know how much they worry about others and don't like hurting people's feelings. So, I can see it going like I've hurt their feelings because they didn't realize I was upset(which isn't my intention) and they're going to try not to hurt my feelings working this out. Even though I've said on numerous occasions "I'll take a hard truth over a cozy lie any day."

Is this just something typical of type? Should I just grow some thicker skin and ignore it? How should I bring it up if not?

Right now I'm looking at ways to limit interaction with them without hurting their feelings. Its hard to engage them one on one anymore (where I enjoy their company and I think they really shine) since they're kinda attached at the hip these days. I really would like to be able to hang with them as a group though, I know they'd prefer it.

Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Yeah, ENFJs can mean well but also generally have this thing that I believe roots from insecurity where their ego just takes over. They just start trying to act a certain way, and it comes across as very arrogant, it can be very annoying. Then when you try and be honest they just shut down or get angry because they can't face the prospect of someone criticizing them.

That negative note aside, I think the best way to deal with this is

1) Tell them that you really appreciate their friendship and the fact that they try and consider people's feelings


2)Tell them you don't want to hurt them, but you want to be honest with how you feel, and that you appreciate them as people not matter what their response is, and tell them you really want a direct answer.

3)Explain to them how annoying they can get, because if they are like ENFJs I have seen, they tend to always think they know what is going on in other's heads, but are many times just reading into the situation too much, and projecting their feelings and values on the person.

They usually are genuinely surprised they are annoying people because "that wasn't their intention". They basically are unable to understand that they can have bad judgment, because normally their judgment is good, it kind of blindsides them.

ENFJs can be honest without being direct sometimes. It can be very tough for them to actually hone in on the point, and tougher for them to face criticism about themselves.


Tread carefully, don't back down, don't let them convince you they were acting correctly because if they annoyed you, they clearly were not. You need to make the situation as comfortable as possible for them, and let them know that they need to start looking at the situation differently than they have been.

Be persistent, but controlled, emotional stamina wins the day here.


Lastly, any ENFJs reading this, please don't get defensive about this, they are merely observations, and not all ENFJs are going to do these things.


Truly lastly, if I could ask, what are they doing?

 

[Domino]

Joy. More "ENFJs are Too Much" threads.

 

[Goatman455]

Joy. More "ENFJs are Too Much" threads.

Please don't take this too personally, try and help him. Every type has weaknesses, and normally they are related to people's strengths. ENFJs care sooo much, that sometimes they just get lost in that and it can become more about them than the other. This can frustrate and annoy others, and to compound this, it can be very disguised.

ENFJs when they are healthy are some of the most interested and caring people out there, focus on your strengths, help this man figure out his problem and you will feel better about yourself too.

 

[proteanmix]

Pink, I think our mutual joy may fill a thimble.

But bear in my mind that thimble-full of ENFJ joy is so potent and powerful...it's like Agent Orange or something. It will soon by banned for use by the USDA and FDA. Maybe we can get a placebo?

 

[Goatman455]

Pink, I think our mutual joy may fill a thimble.

But bear in my mind that thimble-full of ENFJ joy is so potent and powerful...it's like Agent Orange or something. It will soon by banned for use by the USDA and FDA. Maybe we can get a placebo?

A thimble full of ENFJ denial is the strongest substance known to man or woman.

Try and help the guy, these ENFJs are upsetting him, and you are worried about people criticizing your type. Also, as I should point out, 16 types - 6 billion people. Every ENFJ is different.

 

[Phoenix_400]

Joy. More "ENFJs are Too Much" threads.

I'm sorry, that's not how I intended this thread to come off. I think you guys are great. Definitely in the rare category of people who can get inside my razorwire and get me out of my shell. I'm not a very sociable person by nature. You jerks actually make me want to socialize. I'm not used to that but I love it<== see, I'm INTP, I'm not supposed to be able to do THAT.

 

[proteanmix]

A thimble full of ENFJ denial is the strongest substance known to man or woman.

What about goats?

Try and help the guy, these ENFJs are upsetting him, and you are worried about people criticizing your type. Also, as I should point out, 16 types - 6 billion people. Every ENFJ is different.

Thanks for diagnosing The ENFJ Psychopathology.

I said I may give a more serious answer later. Right now the best thing I can think of this young man needs to get more whey protein and iron (Fe).

 

[Goatman455]

Guys, seriously stop, and Protean, being a mod, you should be more mature about this.

"Thanks for diagnosing The ENFJ Psychopathology."

You guys do this all on your own, I can't take any credit here, lol.



Oh, and I am not sure about thimbles full of Pontiac GTOs, but I will get back to YOU with a serious response at some point in my ever so important life.


This is the very reason so few ENFJs ever change their behavior, they just ATTACK AND GUILT TRIP people who are HONEST with them.

An ENFJ who can realize their mistakes and correct them will go far indeed. This is a huge weakness of your type, and I might add, an easy one to fix. I wish my problems were as easy as that.

 

[proteanmix]

Guys, seriously stop, and Protean, being a mod, you should be more mature about this.

"Thanks for diagnosing The ENFJ Psychopathology."

You guys do this all on your own, I can't take any credit here, lol.



Oh, and I am not sure about thimbles full of Pontiac GTOs, but I will get back to YOU with a serious response at some point in my ever so important life.


This is the very reason so few ENFJs ever change their behavior, they just ATTACK AND GUILT TRIP people who are HONEST with them.

Do you have a practice?

Srlsly, I think someone literally started a thread like this before with the exact same title. I think I was quite somber in response in that one.

 

[Happyman]

I've got 2 ENFJ friends that I hang out with. I can handle either of them alone and have a great time. Problem is, when you get the 2 of them together I forget how much they feed off of each other.
Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Deal with it!
Kidding No, but seriously, they have awesome time, going crazy together, so I don't think they will want to change it. In high school I hang out a lot with two guys: an INTP and an ENTJ. Every time me and ENTJ went wild, the INTP was acting&feeling like you. Usually I was the one realizing this. With time we were doing it less and he learned how to go crazy a little bit.

Btw, you say you love them, when they're apart, it probably means they adopt to what you like, you can try this when they're together.

Well, I don't know. Talk with them. The last thing ENFJ wants to do is to hurt somebody.

PS I love INTPs, for instance my brother is one. I act differently around him and my INxx friends than with my crazy ExFP friends, so they MAY CHANGE a bit too.

Answer: Red Bull and Vodka! Stamina, people. Stamina.

That may do.

Joy. More "ENFJs are Too Much" threads.

I'm thinking about starting one myself. Ultimate self-hate thread!

I'll make numerous confessions:
Dear fellow forumers, I got excited today, went over the top and get someone insecure. Pray for me, I've sinned!

Yeah, ENFJs can mean well but also generally have this thing that I believe roots from insecurity where there ego just takes over. They just start trying to act a certain way, and it comes across as very arrogant, it can be very annoying.

Man, one of us have done something to you. As a spokesman for ENFJ community I sincerely apologize.
Besides, I think my ENFP friends go often way further in 'crazy' direction than I do. Which I love, but many Is don't.

 

[Goatman455]

Deal with it!
Kidding No, but seriously, they have awesome time, going crazy together, so I don't think they will want to change it. In high school I hang out a lot with two guys: an INTP and an ENTJ. Every time me and ENTJ went wild, the INTP was acting&feeling like you. Usually I was the one realizing this. With time we were doing it less and he learned how to go crazy a little bit.

Btw, you say you love them, when they're apart, it probably means they adopt to what you like, you can try this when they're together.

Well, I don't know. Talk with them. The last thing ENFJ wants to do is to hurt somebody.

PS I love INTPs, for instance my brother is one. I act differently around him and my INxx friends than with my crazy ExFP friends, so they MAY CHANGE a bit too.




That may do.



I'm thinking about starting one myself. Ultimate self-hate thread!

I'll make numerous confessions:
Dear fellow forumers, I got excited today, went over the top and get someone insecure. Pray for me, I've sinned!



Man, one of us have done something to you. As a spokesman for ENFJ community I sincerely apologize.
Besides, I think my ENFP friends go often way further in 'crazy' direction than I do. Which I love, but many Is don't.

Again, I get personally criticized, look it is not just me making these observations, an ENTJ friend of mine makes the EXACT same observations about ENFJs.


Everything I have said about you guys you prove right when you post.

Let's stop attacking each other and help the guy. Oh, and "deal with it" is not an ok response. This sounds like denial to me, the ENFJs (that the OP are talking about) are in the wrong and they should stop here.

I think it is a bit ridiculous you tell him to "deal with it", but then act like I have to change because I am being honest. Take your own advice.

 

[Lauren Ashley]

To the OP, I say just tell them that you can't deal with them together. It may hurt their feelings, but that's not really anything you can prevent.

 

[Phoenix_400]

Truly lastly, if I could ask, what are they doing?

Its not anything terrible really. We banter like crazy. Its very exciting for me to find people who can best me consistently in a battle of wits. Its that, more than the endless enthusiasm that's the draw for me. We never fail to take advantage of an opening.

The ribbing can get personal sometimes, no harm or anything, just givin' each other hell like friends do. The thing is, I try to pay attention to things like facial expression, body language, tone of voice. If it looks like I've pushed too far, I try to pull back. I'm not really getting the same courtesy. They find a hole and dig, I do the same. It looks like I hit a sore spot, I stop. They find a sore spot, efforts are doubled.

A lot of the problem is probably my fault. I have to remind myself they're just playing when they really dig in. I can tell its not intentionally malicious. I just clam up and look irked off for a while. I know I should tell them that it bothers me, but I truly enjoy the challenge they give me and I don't want them to start handling me with kid gloves. Just....pay more attention.

 

[Goatman455]

Its not anything terrible really. We banter like crazy. Its very exciting for me to find people who can best me consistently in a battle of wits. Its that, more than the endless enthusiasm that's the draw for me. We never fail to take advantage of an opening.

The ribbing can get personal sometimes, no harm or anything, just givin' each other hell like friends do. The thing is, I try to pay attention to things like facial expression, body language, tone of voice. If it looks like I've pushed too far, I try to pull back. I'm not really getting the same courtesy. They find a hole and dig, I do the same. It looks like I hit a sore spot, I stop. They find a sore spot, efforts are doubled.

A lot of the problem is probably my fault. I have to remind myself they're just playing when they really dig in. I can tell its not intentionally malicious. I just clam up and look irked off for a while. I know I should tell them that it bothers me, but I truly enjoy the challenge they give me and I don't want them to start handling me with kid gloves. Just....pay more attention.

ENFJs can really enjoy pushing buttons. It is their way to reverse the buttons being pushed in them and to ignore their own annoyance. When they do this, you must have them pretty good.

My suggestion is, after you have a direct conversation if they keep doing it. Once you find that hole, don't let up. Let them get mad, throw a temper tantrum, threaten you, anything. Keep digging, once you find that weakness push them back in it.

Again, this sounds bad, but some people need to actually feel something before they can empathize, they can't naturally just make the leap on their own. If they understood what you really felt like, or saw how far you were willing to take it, they will understand better.

ENFJs understand better from action than words many times, you may need to use your actions to make them realize if your words don't work. By actions, I of course mean to find that weakness and push. This is a way of accomplishing actions with words, because you have a purpose behind what you are doing.

That said, I advocate using words first in a direct manner, because you can give them the chance to do things in a mature fashion. But if that doesn't work, why not give them a taste of their own medicine?

 

[Phoenix_400]

Alright guys, I wasn't trying to start a war with this thread. Just looking for some advice from people with the same mindset as my friends. I think the world of them, I just don't know how to handle people sometimes.

The personal attacks are really unnecessary.

Also, Redbull and vodka are not option. Vodka is my kryptonite...Besides, Jack and Coke will always be my first love

 

[TopherRed]

What about goats?

Oh, it'll kill a goat. Several times over.

Phoenix: You're good. Seriously, I understand that Uber-Fe can be overpowering...please forgive your friends...I agree that more Iron (Fe) is in order. In saying that, I'm also aware that around you amazing people, I could use more Titanium (Ti). It hurts, but it's worth the absorbtion: remember, you don't have to chose Fe, just be aware of the choice, and that your friends have a preference for it.

 

[Goatman455]

Oh, it'll kill a goat. Several times over.

Phoenix: You're good. Seriously, I understand that Uber-Fe can be overpowering...please forgive your friends...I agree that more Iron (Fe) is in order. In saying that, I'm also aware that around you amazing people, I could use more Titanium (Ti). It hurts, but it's worth the absorbtion: remember, you don't have to chose Fe, just be aware of the choice, and that your friends have a preference for it.

You can't kill a car, it isn't alive, LoL.


Emotional Stamina wins the day with ENFJ.


Here in this post lie the weaknesses of the F types.

 

[Phoenix_400]

So, anybody know where I can pick up some emotional creatine? Damn ENFJ's are too easy to forgive and I can't stand seeing all that happy trampled on. As much as it makes me nauseous, there really isn't enough of it in the world.

Also, Goatman, just dawned on me the similarities in our usernames. Mine comes from the graphic on the hood of my car and the displacement of the beast lying beneath it.