User Tag List

123 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 88

  1. #1
    Senior Member Phoenix_400's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    MBTI
    INxP
    Enneagram
    5w6
    Posts
    297

    Unhappy Hangin with ENFJ's = Exhausting

    Alright, I'm taking a risk here since one of my friends has discovered some of these forums and enjoys pokin' around. I'm rollin' with this anyway.

    I could use some advice and would also like to know if this is typical of the type. I've got 2 ENFJ friends that I hang out with. I can handle either of them alone and have a great time. Problem is, when you get the 2 of them together I forget how much they feed off of each other. If I know I'm around both of them and I haven't brought my "A game", I'm pretty much screwed. I don't think its intentional, again they just kinda feed off each others energy, but its so exhausting. I really enjoy my time with them, not many people get me like that. Its just that I know with the both of 'em together, at some point its going to go from playfully pelting snowballs at each other to me tryin' to outrun an avalanche.

    One of them seems to catch when I'm getting annoyed most of the time and tries to pull it back (which I greatly appreciate) but then gets caught back up in it if the other keeps things rolling.

    I'm not sure exactly how to handle the situation. I'm much closer to one than the other, but I'm worried about getting a straight answer out of them. I know how much they worry about others and don't like hurting people's feelings. So, I can see it going like I've hurt their feelings because they didn't realize I was upset(which isn't my intention) and they're going to try not to hurt my feelings working this out. Even though I've said on numerous occasions "I'll take a hard truth over a cozy lie any day."

    Is this just something typical of type? Should I just grow some thicker skin and ignore it? How should I bring it up if not?

    Right now I'm looking at ways to limit interaction with them without hurting their feelings. Its hard to engage them one on one anymore (where I enjoy their company and I think they really shine) since they're kinda attached at the hip these days. I really would like to be able to hang with them as a group though, I know they'd prefer it.

    Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

  2. #2
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Enneagram
    1w2
    Posts
    5,514

    Default

    Answer: Red Bull and Vodka! Stamina, people. Stamina.

    On a side note, I was going to make the next DC meetup longer but then I realized the introverts may get tired.

    I (may) think of a more serious reply later.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  3. #3
    Banned
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Socionics
    ENFP
    Posts
    105

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Phoenix_400 View Post
    Alright, I'm taking a risk here since one of my friends has discovered some of these forums and enjoys pokin' around. I'm rollin' with this anyway.

    I could use some advice and would also like to know if this is typical of the type. I've got 2 ENFJ friends that I hang out with. I can handle either of them alone and have a great time. Problem is, when you get the 2 of them together I forget how much they feed off of each other. If I know I'm around both of them and I haven't brought my "A game", I'm pretty much screwed. I don't think its intentional, again they just kinda feed off each others energy, but its so exhausting. I really enjoy my time with them, not many people get me like that. Its just that I know with the both of 'em together, at some point its going to go from playfully pelting snowballs at each other to me tryin' to outrun an avalanche.

    One of them seems to catch when I'm getting annoyed most of the time and tries to pull it back (which I greatly appreciate) but then gets caught back up in it if the other keeps things rolling.

    I'm not sure exactly how to handle the situation. I'm much closer to one than the other, but I'm worried about getting a straight answer out of them. I know how much they worry about others and don't like hurting people's feelings. So, I can see it going like I've hurt their feelings because they didn't realize I was upset(which isn't my intention) and they're going to try not to hurt my feelings working this out. Even though I've said on numerous occasions "I'll take a hard truth over a cozy lie any day."

    Is this just something typical of type? Should I just grow some thicker skin and ignore it? How should I bring it up if not?

    Right now I'm looking at ways to limit interaction with them without hurting their feelings. Its hard to engage them one on one anymore (where I enjoy their company and I think they really shine) since they're kinda attached at the hip these days. I really would like to be able to hang with them as a group though, I know they'd prefer it.

    Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.


    Yeah, ENFJs can mean well but also generally have this thing that I believe roots from insecurity where their ego just takes over. They just start trying to act a certain way, and it comes across as very arrogant, it can be very annoying. Then when you try and be honest they just shut down or get angry because they can't face the prospect of someone criticizing them.

    That negative note aside, I think the best way to deal with this is

    1) Tell them that you really appreciate their friendship and the fact that they try and consider people's feelings


    2)Tell them you don't want to hurt them, but you want to be honest with how you feel, and that you appreciate them as people not matter what their response is, and tell them you really want a direct answer.

    3)Explain to them how annoying they can get, because if they are like ENFJs I have seen, they tend to always think they know what is going on in other's heads, but are many times just reading into the situation too much, and projecting their feelings and values on the person.

    They usually are genuinely surprised they are annoying people because "that wasn't their intention". They basically are unable to understand that they can have bad judgment, because normally their judgment is good, it kind of blindsides them.

    ENFJs can be honest without being direct sometimes. It can be very tough for them to actually hone in on the point, and tougher for them to face criticism about themselves.


    Tread carefully, don't back down, don't let them convince you they were acting correctly because if they annoyed you, they clearly were not. You need to make the situation as comfortable as possible for them, and let them know that they need to start looking at the situation differently than they have been.

    Be persistent, but controlled, emotional stamina wins the day here.


    Lastly, any ENFJs reading this, please don't get defensive about this, they are merely observations, and not all ENFJs are going to do these things.


    Truly lastly, if I could ask, what are they doing?
    Last edited by Goatman455; 09-21-2009 at 04:43 PM. Reason: Reversed 2 and 3

  4. #4
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    MBTI
    eNFJ
    Enneagram
    4w3 sx/so
    Socionics
    eNFJ Ni
    Posts
    11,443

    Default

    Joy. More "ENFJs are Too Much" threads.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
    Neutral Good
    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  5. #5
    Banned
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Socionics
    ENFP
    Posts
    105

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPiranha View Post
    Joy. More "ENFJs are Too Much" threads.


    Please don't take this too personally, try and help him. Every type has weaknesses, and normally they are related to people's strengths. ENFJs care sooo much, that sometimes they just get lost in that and it can become more about them than the other. This can frustrate and annoy others, and to compound this, it can be very disguised.

    ENFJs when they are healthy are some of the most interested and caring people out there, focus on your strengths, help this man figure out his problem and you will feel better about yourself too.

  6. #6
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Enneagram
    1w2
    Posts
    5,514

    Default

    Pink, I think our mutual joy may fill a thimble.

    But bear in my mind that thimble-full of ENFJ joy is so potent and powerful...it's like Agent Orange or something. It will soon by banned for use by the USDA and FDA. Maybe we can get a placebo?
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  7. #7
    Banned
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Socionics
    ENFP
    Posts
    105

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post
    Pink, I think our mutual joy may fill a thimble.

    But bear in my mind that thimble-full of ENFJ joy is so potent and powerful...it's like Agent Orange or something. It will soon by banned for use by the USDA and FDA. Maybe we can get a placebo?


    A thimble full of ENFJ denial is the strongest substance known to man or woman.

    Try and help the guy, these ENFJs are upsetting him, and you are worried about people criticizing your type. Also, as I should point out, 16 types - 6 billion people. Every ENFJ is different.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Phoenix_400's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    MBTI
    INxP
    Enneagram
    5w6
    Posts
    297

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPiranha View Post
    Joy. More "ENFJs are Too Much" threads.
    I'm sorry, that's not how I intended this thread to come off. I think you guys are great. Definitely in the rare category of people who can get inside my razorwire and get me out of my shell. I'm not a very sociable person by nature. You jerks actually make me want to socialize. I'm not used to that but I love it<== see, I'm INTP, I'm not supposed to be able to do THAT.

  9. #9
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Enneagram
    1w2
    Posts
    5,514

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Goatman455 View Post
    A thimble full of ENFJ denial is the strongest substance known to man or woman.
    What about goats?

    Try and help the guy, these ENFJs are upsetting him, and you are worried about people criticizing your type. Also, as I should point out, 16 types - 6 billion people. Every ENFJ is different.
    Thanks for diagnosing The ENFJ Psychopathology.

    I said I may give a more serious answer later. Right now the best thing I can think of this young man needs to get more whey protein and iron (Fe).
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  10. #10
    Banned
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Socionics
    ENFP
    Posts
    105

    Default

    Guys, seriously stop, and Protean, being a mod, you should be more mature about this.

    "Thanks for diagnosing The ENFJ Psychopathology."

    You guys do this all on your own, I can't take any credit here, lol.



    Oh, and I am not sure about thimbles full of Pontiac GTOs, but I will get back to YOU with a serious response at some point in my ever so important life.


    This is the very reason so few ENFJs ever change their behavior, they just ATTACK AND GUILT TRIP people who are HONEST with them.

    An ENFJ who can realize their mistakes and correct them will go far indeed. This is a huge weakness of your type, and I might add, an easy one to fix. I wish my problems were as easy as that.

Similar Threads

  1. [ENFJ] ENTP breakup with ENFJ: Whats your views and advice?
    By Kacie in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 11-19-2016, 12:08 AM
  2. [ENFJ] Help! INFP problems with ENFJ
    By thejames in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 22
    Last Post: 07-29-2016, 05:01 AM
  3. [ENFJ] Need help communicating with ENFJ
    By Poki in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: 01-20-2009, 03:52 PM
  4. [ENFJ] E/INTJs interacting with ENFJs
    By Harlow_Jem in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 74
    Last Post: 12-22-2008, 09:19 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO