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  1. #11
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Usehername View Post
    A lot of women say they dislike babies, but many of whom I've asked further out of interest report that they have only experienced babies from afar. I think it has to do with a lot of smaller families/people moving cities for jobs leading to less intergenerational contact. While I'd never assert that all women should be maternal, I think that some people have just never had the chance to bond one-on-one with a baby or teach a small child something really simple. When you only see them from afar it's easy to think it's not for you, when maybe it's not always the case.
    I think that may be true for some women who say they don't like children, but probably only some. The reality is that most of us don't live communities with our extended family members right around the corner. The Baby Boomers are still working, and so most of us can't just drop the kids off with grandma and grandpa. Not to mention, when grandma and grandpa finally retire, they're going on a world tour. They aren't planning on raising our kids.

    I think when a woman of today considers rather or not she wants or likes children, she has to take her own personal situation into account. It isn't for everyone. The prospect of taking on such a task should intimidate, imo.

  2. #12
    On a mission Usehername's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EnFpFer View Post
    I think that may be true for some women who say they don't like children, but probably only some.

    Taking care of someone is a huge responsibility. It isn't for everyone. The prospect of taking on such a task should intimidate, imo.
    Yeah--I didn't mean it it to be all-encompassing, just pointing out that I think the relative lack of intergenerational contact might play into it sometimes.
    *You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.
    *Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.
    C.S. Lewis

  3. #13
    Twerking & Lurking ayoitsStepho's Avatar
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    Personally I'm looking forward to having a family when I'm a bit older. Heck if i could have a child now, i would...but I'm too young and it helps to get married for my sake. [yeah you dont HAVE to marry, but i feel strongly that i do]. Sometimes its hard to say that i wouldnt mind just being a house wife because everybody it seems has this strong will to be successful and independent. Sure, i'd love to have a career...but i'm much more excited about having children to take care of! I know i sound nieve [sp?] but its a deep desire of mine. <3
    Quote Originally Posted by MacGuffin View Post
    ayoitsStepho is becoming someone else. Actually her true self, a rite of passage.

  4. #14
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    I knew fairly early on that I wanted children. I have a strong maternal instinct and I've always been pretty good with babies and children, even more so now that I have so much experience. However, I find nurturing the physical needs of others exhausting regardless of how much I love them and little ones are very care intensive. I've often wished I was different and more like the 'naturals' at that stuff, but I'm all I've got to work with.

    I am enjoying this more self-sufficient, more peer-ish stage of parenting as much or more than any stage so far, though it is also uncomfortable to not be "in the loop" as much as when they were with me all the time. I am much more comfortable in a friend role than as an authority figure/caretaker, though I've gotten pretty good at that over time, as well.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  5. #15
    Junior Member lumikuu's Avatar
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    my maternal instinct and biological clock are non existent because hell=other people.

    on a more serious note, it's not only because i don't want to be seen as some housewife who can't pursue a financially independent career, i equally dislike the obsession with ambition and i guess i view kids as another one of those generic checkpoints you're expected to desire as well as marriage to give your life meaning. (i'd love to be the dole's housewife...) most females i meet love and want kids. i don't often have a problem with their reasons, but there are also valid reasons against having them.

    When you only see them from afar it's easy to think it's not for you, when maybe it's not always the case.
    my irritability regarding crying and screaming intensified after closely experiencing my two older sisters have five children and observing how exhausting it is. their lives unfolded like the woman's situation is bruce dawe's poem up the wall, "children carve the mind up with the scalpels of their din."

    i think it's better to miss out due to indecisiveness rather than to regret having them in the first place. it's more taboo in society to admit that you regret having kids, the decision is just too inescapable.

    i like plants, fresh air and sleeping babies. i don't want pets either simply because i'm really introverted and value my freedom. the thought of being tied down is boring and suffocating. i don't see it as selfish because i can still be there to help my friends and family, nor do i see laziness as a negative thing. i just don't like to overload myself with being responsible for others when it might be a lifelong challenge for me to be able to properly look after myself. i want to continue learning rather than becoming a premature teacher.

    there are also certain genetic factors i don't want to risk passing onto my children. i've blamed my parents for these before, and i'm still trying to get over it and make the best of them. it's probably a matter of projecting my own experience of whether this is a world worth bringing kids into...and i don't think there's any more value to existence than non existence. not to say life has no value, but it's quite a challenge to find and give it value, and not everyone succeeds at this. i hate it when someone from a dysfunctional family is told "your parents did the best they could." it reminds me of the quote "your birth is a mistake you'll spend your whole life trying to correct"... if i had to have kids, i would adopt. i don't mind stumbling at my own expense but i will not create the opportunity to stumble at the expense of a child. it's like defeated perfectionism lol.

    the government here is giving baby bonus incentives to breed future taxpayers but needing someone to look after us in old age is a selfish motive. children shouldn't be born with a job to fill our lonely voids or gratify our fear of mortality, none of them asked for any sort of responsibility. we should be having children out of the selfless desire to give their lives value, not the other way around (although that would naturally follow) and i respect mothers who do this.

    still...if the species becomes extinct after we die then so what? i empathise with radical environmentalists (although i'm not involved with activism) who are wary of overpopulation and limited resources, but i believe the evidence for reincarnation so there really is nothing against mothers who like having children. we need both types of maternal and non maternal women to sustain and stabilise the population. :P

    i don't think i'm a cold gal, although i don't mind being seen that way. i want to go to lapland someday
    "attic in a basement with a knife serrated, i'll protect you!"
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  6. #16
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tallulah View Post
    I don't have the maternal instinct, but grew up in a community/environment where you were expected to want them, to want to babysit once you turned 12, to want to get married and have babies. It's not the feminist movement that made me feel otherwise. Though I would like to be recognized for my own accomplishments and not just as someone's mother.

    I like kids on a case-by-case basis. I like playing with them, but I just act like a kid, too. I have never thought to myself, "Gosh, I wish I had a baby of my own." I always wanted pets, though.

    If I married someone that wanted a kid, I might change my mind--who knows? I think I'd probably be a good mother. But I really have never had the maternal instinct, nor the biological clock thing.

    Same here. I pretty much relate to this whole post.

    I grew up in an environment where not having a clear maternal instinct was seen as cold and unnatural, not strong. I know very few women who admit to not having a desire to have kids, and they do so carefully, because it raises eyebrows.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  7. #17
    On a mission Usehername's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    Same here. I pretty much relate to this whole post.

    I grew up in an environment where not having a clear maternal instinct was seen as cold and unnatural, not strong. I know very few women who admit to not having a desire to have kids, and they do so carefully, because it raises eyebrows.
    Maybe I've just been spending too much time in university, but I feel like I've had the opposite experience--most women my age are pretty vocal about not wanting kids, and appear unnerved by the idea of anyone fitting in in academia wanting children.* When I was directly asked about it by a peer I got a look.

    *This doesn't even make sense, because almost 1/3 of the profs in my dept have at least one kid, so it's not like it's totally taboo. I think it's because I'm single and shouldn't be feeling family-centred feelings? IDK.
    *You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.
    *Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.
    C.S. Lewis

  8. #18
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Usehername View Post
    Maybe I've just been spending too much time in university, but I feel like I've had the opposite experience--most women my age are pretty vocal about not wanting kids, and appear unnerved by the idea of anyone fitting in in academia wanting children.* When I was directly asked about it by a peer I got a look.

    *This doesn't even make sense, because almost 1/3 of the profs in my dept have at least one kid, so it's not like it's totally taboo. I think it's because I'm single and shouldn't be feeling family-centred feelings? IDK.
    It's probably the environment, and I could see that mentality existing there. I live in a family-oriented, church-going, suburban area, so it's a different mindset.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  9. #19
    Senior Member SciVo's Avatar
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    I love babies! I always say, my favorite part of my job (working closely with child protective services, among others) is getting to see all the cute little kids. Then I always remember the social context (of abused/endangered/neglected kids) and hope that no one takes it in a pervy kind of way. Then I always remind myself that guys are allowed to have soft feelings for little ones too, dammit, and anyone who says otherwise is a sexist bigot! I hate how the circumstances make such simple feelings so complicated.

    Just giving an odd perspective from the other side of the mirror.
    INFP ~ Fi/Ne/Ni/Te ~ 9-2-4 sp/so

  10. #20
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SciVo View Post
    I love babies! I always say, my favorite part of my job (working closely with child protective services, among others) is getting to see all the cute little kids. Then I always remember the social context (of abused/endangered/neglected kids) and hope that no one takes it in a pervy kind of way. Then I always remind myself that guys are allowed to have soft feelings for little ones too, dammit, and anyone who says otherwise is a sexist bigot! I hate how the circumstances make such simple feelings so complicated.

    Just giving an odd perspective from the other side of the mirror.
    + Yea for a guy who loves babies! I too find it odd how easy it is to deem a man pervy if he takes a liking to children. Men can only get but so close to children before many people start raising their eyebrows.
    There is a thinking stuff from which all things are made, and which, in its original state, permeates, penetrates, and fills the interspaces of the universe.

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