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[ENFP] ENFP's and dumping people?

BerberElla

12 and a half weeks
Joined
Sep 25, 2008
Messages
2,725
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infp
Any other ENFP's find it hard to dump someone they no longer want to be with?

I find it really hard, honestly don't want to hurt anyones feelings, and I tend to take all the blame on to me when I do, ie "it's not you, it's me, I'm just screwed up, I'm doing you a favour" etc etc, even when I feel that I am not totally to blame for the way my interest has dwindled.

I just broke up with the guy I was seeing, and suffice to say I snuck off in the middle of the night when he was sleeping and sent him a text (after ignoring numerous phone calls and texts off of him) later on the next day ending it by text. :doh: It was a long text, it wasn't bad, the usual it's my fault, I'm not ready, thanks for a good time and I hope we can remain friends.

Oh I am such a coward lol I'm not proud of the way I've done this, I haven't answered any of his calls today, nor his texts pleading with me for more explanations, or to give him another chance to make good.

I did tell him it was all on me and that he hasn't done anything wrong, I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I'm just not emotionally ready to commit to anyone, and good sex can only go so far, so I'm pretty stressed out that he feels he needs to offer to change when I have made my decision already.

I don't want to have to explain it again, it was hard enough sending that text as it was. Roll back 10yrs and you wouldn't even have known you were dumped until you added up the complete lack of communication on my part, to get your answer from that.

Any other enfp's cringe at the dumping stage?
 

BerberElla

12 and a half weeks
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Sep 25, 2008
Messages
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Hell.
YES!

And yet, I always ended up being the dumper. I would have much rather have been dumped.

:yes: Same here. It always makes me feel like crap, and there were times in my life where I would cave and stay with the person because they took the dumping really badly. The whole time I would be miserable because I just wanted out, but couldn't bear the tears again.
 

Charmed Justice

Nickle Iron Silicone
Joined
Jul 22, 2009
Messages
2,805
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INFJ
:yes: Same here. It always makes me feel like crap, and there were times in my life where I would cave and stay with the person because they took the dumping really badly. The whole time I would be miserable because I just wanted out, but couldn't bear the tears again.

Same here. I also found that I'd be upfront and honest about how I felt(i.e,"This is not going to work out".), and they'd still stick around.:huh:
Dumping someone feels like an all out rejection of them. I think lots of us NFPs wanting to be inclusive and all, and likely fearing rejection ourselves, don't want to be the ones to make someone else feel that way.
 

Amargith

Hotel California
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Nov 5, 2008
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Write him a letter. Pour out your heart. He deserves that much :)
Tell him everything you've told us here. :hug:
 

BerberElla

12 and a half weeks
Joined
Sep 25, 2008
Messages
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Same here. I also found that I'd be upfront and honest about how I felt(i.e,"This is not going to work out".), and they'd still stick around.:huh:
Dumping someone feels like an all out rejection of them. I think lots of us NFPs wanting to be inclusive and all, and likely fearing rejection ourselves, don't want to be the ones to make someone else feel that way.

Oh definately, and in some ways the Fi projection seems to be spot on, it is taken badly and they do react in the way we dread feeling ourselves, yet what is a person supposed to do?

I find myself of late wondering if the only reason I stayed married for so long was simply because he wouldn't physically let me go, he harrassed and hounded me, kept me isolated and I think maybe that's the only reason I stayed for so long because in all honesty I was trying to break up with within the first year of being with him.

I'm not great at commitment, I idealise things hugely and then get frustrated when reality sets in, and that's when I'm ready to fly the nest again.

Write him a letter. Pour out your heart. He deserves that much :)
Tell him everything you've told us here. :hug:

My text was a long ass text lol and I couldn't remember his postal code for the life of me, so how would I get the letter to him?

I did consider it, if he had an email I would have done it via email, but he is one of those who hasn't upgraded his communication means just yet.

I mean for myself if I was ever dumped I would, and have, just left it immediately. I haven't pleaded for more information, I haven't offered to change, I haven't tried to fix it or get it back, I'll just let it go. Far too much shameful pride to put myself out there like that, in that vunerable pleading place.
 

Amargith

Hotel California
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Some people need that info for closure. And from what you've said he did care for you a lot. I doubt he really knew how you truly felt though, so this was probably a shock for him as he didn't see it coming. I understand how you feel, how you cringe at the thought of having to weather that emotional storm. And how you'd like to just run away from it. He's hurting however...and your words might make it easier for him to digest that pain :)
 

BerberElla

12 and a half weeks
Joined
Sep 25, 2008
Messages
2,725
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Some people need that info for closure. And from what you've said he did care for you a lot. I doubt he really knew how you truly felt though, so this was probably a shock for him as he didn't see it coming. I understand how you feel, how you cringe at the thought of having to weather that emotional storm. And how you'd like to just run away from it. He's hurting however...and your words might make it easier for him to digest that pain :)

True, which means that since I can't send him a letter, nor email him I have only texts or phone calls to do the talk with, the texts can only be so long, which leaves only phone calls.

Verbal dumping and hearing someone else's pain that I am responsible for? :horor: I am such a chicken.

His texts say he really cares about me and doesn't want to lose me, which to me is a shock because I don't see how he could, how could our feelings be so different? there was no great bonding, there was just lots of sex, that's it, everything else felt empty to me, only the sex made me feel alive.

What could he possibly be trying to hold on for?

I will speak to him, don't really want to though, but I guess in light of the closure reminder you have given me, I'm going to have to. :cry:
 

The Outsider

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I'm sorry, I know it is hard for you, but you should at least show some respect by telling him in person. Relationships shouldn't be ended through a text message.
 

Amargith

Hotel California
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True, which means that since I can't send him a letter, nor email him I have only texts or phone calls to do the talk with, the texts can only be so long, which leaves only phone calls.

Verbal dumping and hearing someone else's pain that I am responsible for? :horor: I am such a chicken.

His texts say he really cares about me and doesn't want to lose me, which to me is a shock because I don't see how he could, how could our feelings be so different? there was no great bonding, there was just lots of sex, that's it, everything else felt empty to me, only the sex made me feel alive.

What could he possibly be trying to hold on for?

I will speak to him, don't really want to though, but I guess in light of the closure reminder you have given me, I'm going to have to. :cry:

:hug: These things are never easy. It is your choice, but I think the best way to do this is to tell him you'll meet up and answer his questions. Allow him to ask questions, and take your time to formulate your answers! For that matter, ask your own questions as well. They might help you understand the situation and him better. Don't be afraid of emotional outbursts, they're bound to happen. And try to leave when both of you have gotten your answers, and when understanding is reached. You'll both feel no doubt blue after..but it's better than leaving when there's still confusion, unanswered questions and unresolved hurt feelings. If done properly, actually, you might have a dear friend in a couple of months, you remember fondly and in a bittersweet way and can count on and vice versa.
 

Charmed Justice

Nickle Iron Silicone
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Oh definately, and in some ways the Fi projection seems to be spot on, it is taken badly and they do react in the way we dread feeling ourselves, yet what is a person supposed to do?
I know. I just always kept attempting to drive the same,"it's not going to work", message home and I would slowly disappear.:D

I'm not great at commitment, I idealise things hugely and then get frustrated when reality sets in, and that's when I'm ready to fly the nest again.
See I am actually good with commitment and I don't really idealize relationships that much; but my thing is, once I've been crossed a certain number of times...It's like I want to go back to what was, and I have a hard time from that point working with what is. It's at that point that I become the idealist, yearning for things past and all. I would hang on because of the prospect of things going back to what they used to be.
 

BerberElla

12 and a half weeks
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I'm sorry, I know it is hard for you, but you should at least show some respect by telling him in person. Relationships shouldn't be ended through a text message.

I would honestly rather get dumped via a text message, email or letter tbh, I'm not into face to face awkward situations.

That way if it impacts me badly ie I need to cry, I can do it where no one can see me.

However that's just me, I'm aware of the social rule about not dumping via texts, and it being rude and all that, so I will go one better.
 

BerberElla

12 and a half weeks
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:hug: These things are never easy. It is your choice, but I think the best way to do this is to tell him you'll meet up and answer his questions. Allow him to ask questions, and take your time to formulate your answers! For that matter, ask your own questions as well. They might help you understand the situation and him better. Don't be afraid of emotional outbursts, they're bound to happen. And try to leave when both of you have gotten your answers, and when understanding is reached. You'll both feel no doubt blue after..but it's better than leaving when there's still confusion, unanswered questions and unresolved hurt feelings. If done properly, actually, you might have a dear friend in a couple of months, you remember fondly and in a bittersweet way and can count on and vice versa.

I'm not sure I'm going to go with the face to face meeting, my ex was violent and although this guy probably isn't (you never know, we weren't together all that long), I am so not ready to take that kind of risk. What if like my ex, he gets violent when I try to explain myself because he needs to last out?

I think a phone call is alright though, I would feel safer that way.
 

Littlelostnf

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Apr 23, 2007
Messages
645
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True, which means that since I can't send him a letter, nor email him I have only texts or phone calls to do the talk with, the texts can only be so long, which leaves only phone calls.

Verbal dumping and hearing someone else's pain that I am responsible for? :horor: I am such a chicken.

His texts say he really cares about me and doesn't want to lose me, which to me is a shock because I don't see how he could, how could our feelings be so different? there was no great bonding, there was just lots of sex, that's it, everything else felt empty to me, only the sex made me feel alive.

What could he possibly be trying to hold on for?

I will speak to him, don't really want to though, but I guess in light of the closure reminder you have given me, I'm going to have to. :cry:

Ok I'm sorry but I just have to say...and this is not just to you but to anyone who would consider a text enough communication to break up with someone who you've been intimate with or had some kind of friendship with....

Soooo unfair and yes you are a chicken if you can't buck up and just go talk to him. What happened to up front honesty. You owe it to him..and to yourself to speak to him in person. Totally unfair to do it by text or letter or phone if you have the ability to see him in person. The only excuse for not doing it in person is if you thought for a second he might get violent or something.

I'm sorry it really is a me problem that people feel it's acceptable to conduct personal relationships thru texting and email...that is just immature. It's what is making our society more and more distant and cold.
 

BerberElla

12 and a half weeks
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Ok I'm sorry but I just have to say...and this is not just to you but to anyone who would consider a text enough communication to break up with someone who you've been intimate with or had some kind of friendship with....

Soooo unfair and yes you are a chicken if you can't buck up and just go talk to him. What happened to up front honesty. You owe it to him..and to yourself to speak to him in person. Totally unfair to do it by text or letter or phone if you have the ability to see him in person. The only excuse for not doing it in person is if you thought for a second he might get violent or something.

I'm sorry it really is a me problem that people feel it's acceptable to conduct personal relationships thru texting and email...that is just immature. It's what is making our society more and more distant and cold.

Please read the above post.

Also the one where I say I would prefer it.

To each their own on how they like to deal with things, I would rather the email/text dump, so not everyone thinks the way you do.
 

Amargith

Hotel California
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You should do what you feel comfortable with, especially considering your past. Just make sure that when you call him, you explain to him that to you, this would be the preferred method, hence you used it that way, but you understand that he probably needs more than that and that you're willing to answer his questions. It'll take away at least some of his confusion and potential paranoia he's got build up after this shock.
 

Littlelostnf

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Apr 23, 2007
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Please read the above post.

Also the one where I say I would prefer it.

To each their own on how they like to deal with things, I would rather the email/text dump, so not everyone thinks the way you do.

Notice you're saying I would prefer...however, relationships are about two people and while you may prefer not doing an awkward face to face...what if that's what the other person needs for closure. Relationships are about two people and their needs not one persons. Even when breaking up, if the other person needs the face to face...if you're the one doing the breaking up don't you think that maybe they deserve that much consideration.

Again if he's violent I can understand the keeping your distance...but if this is really "all about you" and your inability to commit, or just preferring the non face to face...try thinking about the fact that if he's still calling and wanting to talk to you while texting/emailing maybe enough for you it's not for him.

No not everyone thinks the way I do, nor does everyone think the way you do and you did put this out there...

And if you're worried about the persons self control. Take someone with you. If in the end the phone is all you can manage that is definitely better than a text.
 

Laurie

Was E.laur
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Jan 3, 2009
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I can understand breaking up that way, it's better than him convincing you to stay with him while breaking up and you regretting it. It's probably a good way to make a clean break rather than dragging things along like ENFPs are wont to do.

Sorry your relationship didn't work out, I'm glad you enjoyed it while you had it. You seem to be progressing in a healthy manner. :hug:
 

Moiety

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5,996
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Please read the above post.

Also the one where I say I would prefer it.

To each their own on how they like to deal with things, I would rather the email/text dump, so not everyone thinks the way you do.

Have you ever been dumped? Via email/text?

I agree with Littlelostnf and to tell you the truth the crying thing sounds kind of petty to me. And this is coming from a enneagram 8 guy. If you have a problem with your relationship I think discussing it face to face is very important before even deciding to split up. I think everyone needs to be given a chance to try and change something before getting dumped.
 
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