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[ENFP] ENFP's and dumping people?

Laurie

Was E.laur
Joined
Jan 3, 2009
Messages
6,072
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7w6
It is a poor way to break up. But I've also seen a lot of posts saying "just break up if you don't like the person/if it's not working out, don't drag them through this whole drawn out thing and then break up with them"

Not doing it face to face would alleviate some of that "changing her mind because of emotion" that could happen. I do think not igoring him would be good, too, but sometimes people aren't strong enough to deal with things in the "perfect" way.
 

Moiety

New member
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Aug 3, 2008
Messages
5,996
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ISFJ
Well, practice makes perfect. Being an ENFP doesn't mean you can't deliver the harsh truth to others when need be. That would be pretty sad.
 

BerberElla

12 and a half weeks
Joined
Sep 25, 2008
Messages
2,725
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infp
Notice you're saying I would prefer...however, relationships are about two people and while you may prefer not doing an awkward face to face...what if that's what the other person needs for closure. Relationships are about two people and their needs not one persons. Even when breaking up, if the other person needs the face to face...if you're the one doing the breaking up don't you think that maybe they deserve that much consideration.

Again if he's violent I can understand the keeping your distance...but if this is really "all about you" and your inability to commit, or just preferring the non face to face...try thinking about the fact that if he's still calling and wanting to talk to you while texting/emailing maybe enough for you it's not for him.

No not everyone thinks the way I do, nor does everyone think the way you do and you did put this out there...

And if you're worried about the persons self control. Take someone with you. If in the end the phone is all you can manage that is definitely better than a text.

Yes, I know you are right. I wouldn't feel so guilty about it if I didn't think on some level that this way was the wrong way to go about it.

:(

I can understand breaking up that way, it's better than him convincing you to stay with him while breaking up and you regretting it. It's probably a good way to make a clean break rather than dragging things along like ENFPs are wont to do.

Sorry your relationship didn't work out, I'm glad you enjoyed it while you had it. You seem to be progressing in a healthy manner. :hug:

Yes, and I know myself that in order to avoid inflicting pain I could be convinced to continue dragging it on, but I would only end up resenting him and me for allowing it.

Still, I think I will phone him and talk to him. He is now sending not so nice text messages, which is understandable to some extent because I'm not responding, but then again I see it as a sign of what he is like deeper down, and it's too close to my ex ex to be relaxed about.

Thanks for understanding. :hug:

Have you ever been dumped? Via email/text?

I agree with Littlelostnf and to tell you the truth the crying thing sounds kind of petty to me. And this is coming from a enneagram 8 guy. If you have a problem with your relationship I think discussing it face to face is very important before even deciding to split up. I think everyone needs to be given a chance to try and change something before getting dumped.

To you maybe, to me no, I don't enjoy crying infront of people, so yes I would much rather a non face to face dumping if I was being dumped.

Also why does everyone deserve to be given a chance to change or try to change something before being dumped? there is nothing to change, he isn't even to blame, I'm just not ready to have an emotional connection to anyone and he can't try to change that because I don't want to change that.

For me it was a big step to let anyone near me, it was over 4yrs of being alone before I felt ready to even be physically close to someone again, small steps.

Maybe next time round I'll be more ready to consider opening up my emotions.

Sometimes there is no need to change anything, it's over and you just know deep down you don't want to go any further.
 

BerberElla

12 and a half weeks
Joined
Sep 25, 2008
Messages
2,725
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infp
You should do what you feel comfortable with, especially considering your past. Just make sure that when you call him, you explain to him that to you, this would be the preferred method, hence you used it that way, but you understand that he probably needs more than that and that you're willing to answer his questions. It'll take away at least some of his confusion and potential paranoia he's got build up after this shock.

I will, once my kids are in bed I will call him and explain it better than I have.


It is a poor way to break up. But I've also seen a lot of posts saying "just break up if you don't like the person/if it's not working out, don't drag them through this whole drawn out thing and then break up with them"

Not doing it face to face would alleviate some of that "changing her mind because of emotion" that could happen. I do think not igoring him would be good, too, but sometimes people aren't strong enough to deal with things in the "perfect" way.

I feel really really bad about feeling this way, and from what I see he is quite hurt, I am worried that I will be swayed back just to stop him being upset with me. I guess it's time to test whether I have even matured enough to stay firm against that kind of onslaught.

I just didn't think he would react this way because for me there was no great emotional connection, I thought he would be cool about it and we could just slip into a friendly place lol pretty stupid of me in hindsight. :doh:

Well, practice makes perfect. Being an ENFP doesn't mean you can't deliver the harsh truth to others when need be.

I know. :(
 

Poki

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Dec 4, 2008
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From my experience ENFPs are actually pretty good at knowing how to best harmonize a situation between them and another person. If you think its best to text/email then whats wrong with that. The idea is communication and text/email allows that. Some types of people are more verbal in discussion etc. (IJ/EJ) and for an EP/IP that has already made a decision they dont want to dicuss, they just want it to be accepted.

To EJ/IJ types if you dont want someone to dump you over text and you want open communication allow them to make there own decisions without always having to discuss it or try to "barter", they just want you to listen to then maybe talk about it, but they do not want to have to get into a argument or discussion about it.

To the types who say "you owe it to this person", that other person also should accept that this person is not in a place emotionally to do this. Yes this is a two way thing and "communication" is the only thing that could possibly be "owed", the way things are communicated is not owed to anyone.

To have things done your way is never "owed" it is earned. Try to figure out how to earn it instead of using a "social obligation" to push that a person "owes" it to you.
 

SillySapienne

`~~Philosoflying~~`
Joined
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Any other ENFP's find it hard to dump someone they no longer want to be with?

I find it really hard, honestly don't want to hurt anyones feelings, and I tend to take all the blame on to me when I do, ie "it's not you, it's me, I'm just screwed up, I'm doing you a favour" etc etc, even when I feel that I am not totally to blame for the way my interest has dwindled.

I just broke up with the guy I was seeing, and suffice to say I snuck off in the middle of the night when he was sleeping and sent him a text (after ignoring numerous phone calls and texts off of him) later on the next day ending it by text. :doh: It was a long text, it wasn't bad, the usual it's my fault, I'm not ready, thanks for a good time and I hope we can remain friends.

Oh I am such a coward lol I'm not proud of the way I've done this, I haven't answered any of his calls today, nor his texts pleading with me for more explanations, or to give him another chance to make good.

I did tell him it was all on me and that he hasn't done anything wrong, I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I'm just not emotionally ready to commit to anyone, and good sex can only go so far, so I'm pretty stressed out that he feels he needs to offer to change when I have made my decision already.

I don't want to have to explain it again, it was hard enough sending that text as it was. Roll back 10yrs and you wouldn't even have known you were dumped until you added up the complete lack of communication on my part, to get your answer from that.

Any other enfp's cringe at the dumping stage?

:peepwall:

Yep, 100%

I think my perpetual ex is precisely that because I care about him so much that whenever he comes back, (even when I am not feeling him), it is so hard for me to let him down and, or know, (how I feel).

Only when I am incredibly angry, resentful, or at my wit's end, do I actively dump people.

But, yeah, I'm a runner, and tend to sheepishly flee the scene whenever I can, awful and pathetic, I know.
 

notsweetynice

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Sep 3, 2009
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INTP
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The word 'dumping' in and of itself is so disrespectful. Blech, I'm afraid corporations seem to lay off people in a more civil way than the way most people break up.

I think that sometimes when people are the breaker uppers there is almost a little of an ego trip associated with it.
 

SillySapienne

`~~Philosoflying~~`
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The word 'dumping' in and of itself is so disrespectful. Blech, I'm afraid corporations seem to lay off people in a more civil way than the way most people break up.

I think that sometimes when people are the breaker uppers there is almost a little of an ego trip associated with it
.
I've actually never experienced this, either as the proverbial dumper, or dumpee. When you hook up with someone, there should be some iota of love and respect, and definitely caring there.

None of that really poof-disappears if you happen to break up.
 

Moiety

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To you maybe, to me no, I don't enjoy crying infront of people, so yes I would much rather a non face to face dumping if I was being dumped.

I don't think you got my point. Crying in front of another person is not something I enjoy either. But there are ends that justify being vulnerable if need be.

Also why does everyone deserve to be given a chance to change or try to change something before being dumped? there is nothing to change, he isn't even to blame, I'm just not ready to have an emotional connection to anyone and he can't try to change that because I don't want to change that.

Then why did you start the relationship in the first place?

Everyone deserves being given a change to change or try to change something before being dumped....because it makes no sense to start a relationship without a reason. If the reason is no longer good enough, both parties should try and talk about it to clear it up. That's how you evolve and avoid making mistakes in the future.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
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May 31, 2009
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14,497
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Your feelings are understandable. Maybe the best thing about this happening is that it gives you a chance to think how you do want to set up your future relationships. Part of the problem is that you have been in some relationships in the past where you aren't valued, respected or heard. It is hard to overcome the belief that it is not safe to be honest. I think when there's insecurity, it's easy to go one of two routes: avoidance and non-assertiveness, or bringing in the cannons when a pellet gun would have done the trick. Both are based on the belief that you won't be listened to if you just state your case.

Paradoxically, sex is often a way that people can feel close to someone without risking emotional intimacy. The problem comes in when the other person sees it as an expression of emotional intimacy and there is great potential then to hurt them. If you are not sure if someone will be physically violent with you, I worry about the lack of care you have for yourself in trusting yourself with him sexually.

Maybe this has got way more to do with a general lack of trust and fear of letting someone in close, rather than the way you choose to dump someone. That isn't to say that breaking up might not be a good choice. If it is, write out your reasons and tell him. Explain that in the present state, you are not prepared to give a relationship what you would like to. Give examples. Part of the reason he is taking this as there being something wrong with him is because so many people use the "It's not you, it's me" as a way of letting someone down easy. I can guarantee you that you will see far less unpleasant emotion if you answer some questions and state your case than if you leave him wondering why you suddenly had a change of heart. He can't help but wonder if you went from staying over at his place, to breaking up with him in the course of a few hours.

Berberella, you are a smart lady and a good hearted one. I think you are pretty self-aware as well. Do you think this is about your basic incompatibility, or your fear of getting close to anyone? It may be that you don't feel ready either way, but maybe it's helpful to get that part sorted out for yourself before you try explaining it. It will make it easier to stand firm in your decision.
 

BlackCat

Shaman
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Nov 19, 2008
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I only read the OP and the post above mine... so yeah.

I'm just not emotionally ready to commit to anyone, and good sex can only go so far, so I'm pretty stressed out that he feels he needs to offer to change when I have made my decision already.

And this is what you should tell him.

Text breakups are just one of those things that you shouldn't do in my opinion... At least give him a call. I know it's difficult to have "the talk" about that but I think you ought to.

Are you more concerned with your feelings or his? For his sake you should bring some closure to the situation.

Maybe this has got way more to do with a general lack of trust and fear of letting someone in close, rather than the way you choose to dump someone. That isn't to say that breaking up might be a good choice. If it is, write out your reasons and tell him. Explain that in the present state, you are not prepared to give a relationship what you would like to. Give examples. Part of the reason he is taking this as there being something wrong with him is because so many people use the "It's not you, it's me" as a way of letting someone down easy. I can guarantee you that you will see far less unpleasant emotion if you answer some questions and state your case than if you leave him wondering why you suddenly had a change of heart.

Precisely what I was trying to communicate. Also putting some emphasis on the bolded, a lot of people see right through that, it essentially tells someone that you want to break up with them but you don't want to tell them why.

Just my 2 cents. You also have my support. :hug:
 

Lady_X

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aww berberella...i know this wasn't easy for you.. but i think next time you just need to be upfront with your intentions. explain what has been going on with you these last few years...explain where you are right now...because it sounds like you did let him in...and he became close and your leaving will hurt....so accepting that and trying to own up to that a bit is important...but yeah i get how difficult it is to stand there face to face with someone that you're making sad...it's the worst.
 

JocktheMotie

Habitual Fi LineStepper
Joined
Nov 20, 2008
Messages
8,491
[youtube="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFXCKQ7K2bs"]It's not you, it's me...[/youtube]

I just love this clip. Also exactly how I'd react to being given the "it's not you, it's me" routine.
 

Goatman455

Permabanned
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105
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4w5
Any other ENFP's find it hard to dump someone they no longer want to be with?

I find it really hard, honestly don't want to hurt anyones feelings, and I tend to take all the blame on to me when I do, ie "it's not you, it's me, I'm just screwed up, I'm doing you a favour" etc etc, even when I feel that I am not totally to blame for the way my interest has dwindled.

I just broke up with the guy I was seeing, and suffice to say I snuck off in the middle of the night when he was sleeping and sent him a text (after ignoring numerous phone calls and texts off of him) later on the next day ending it by text. :doh: It was a long text, it wasn't bad, the usual it's my fault, I'm not ready, thanks for a good time and I hope we can remain friends.

Oh I am such a coward lol I'm not proud of the way I've done this, I haven't answered any of his calls today, nor his texts pleading with me for more explanations, or to give him another chance to make good.

I did tell him it was all on me and that he hasn't done anything wrong, I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I'm just not emotionally ready to commit to anyone, and good sex can only go so far, so I'm pretty stressed out that he feels he needs to offer to change when I have made my decision already.

I don't want to have to explain it again, it was hard enough sending that text as it was. Roll back 10yrs and you wouldn't even have known you were dumped until you added up the complete lack of communication on my part, to get your answer from that.

Any other enfp's cringe at the dumping stage?



I also have problems figuring out whether I want to dumb the person or not.

Lol at the Seinfeld. "It's like a submarine, you have to both turn the key". lol. Remember that one too? Then later in the episode Jerry says "What's the problem, it's not like a submarine, you both don't have to turn the key."
 

BerberElla

12 and a half weeks
Joined
Sep 25, 2008
Messages
2,725
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:peepwall:

Yep, 100%

I think my perpetual ex is precisely that because I care about him so much that whenever he comes back, (even when I am not feeling him), it is so hard for me to let him down and, or know, (how I feel).

Only when I am incredibly angry, resentful, or at my wit's end, do I actively dump people.

But, yeah, I'm a runner, and tend to sheepishly flee the scene whenever I can, awful and pathetic, I know.

Yes, and then I'm not in anyway nice about it, because usually I have snapped once it gets to that stage.

The word 'dumping' in and of itself is so disrespectful. Blech, I'm afraid corporations seem to lay off people in a more civil way than the way most people break up.

I think that sometimes when people are the breaker uppers there is almost a little of an ego trip associated with it.

No, not always. I honestly feel like shit that I feel this way in the first place. Aside from the stupid nasty text he sent accusing me of all sorts, he was really nice to me. This isn't about an ego trip.

I don't think you got my point. Crying in front of another person is not something I enjoy either. But there are ends that justify being vulnerable if need be.



Then why did you start the relationship in the first place?

Everyone deserves being given a change to change or try to change something before being dumped....because it makes no sense to start a relationship without a reason. If the reason is no longer good enough, both parties should try and talk about it to clear it up. That's how you evolve and avoid making mistakes in the future.

Sorry, maybe once again I am missing your point, but isn't the best way to find out you are ready or not ready for something, to actually give it a go in the first place?

I also didn't head into this under the banner of "relationship" and I made it really clear from the start that I wasn't after anything heavy, just some fun. I didn't mislead him when I told him. When he asked me to commit I told him in very clear terms that I wasn't after that, and that I didn't even know if I was ready.

I told him from the start that I was messed up.

Your feelings are understandable. Maybe the best thing about this happening is that it gives you a chance to think how you do want to set up your future relationships. Part of the problem is that you have been in some relationships in the past where you aren't valued, respected or heard. It is hard to overcome the belief that it is not safe to be honest. I think when there's insecurity, it's easy to go one of two routes: avoidance and non-assertiveness, or bringing in the cannons when a pellet gun would have done the trick. Both are based on the belief that you won't be listened to if you just state your case.

Paradoxically, sex is often a way that people can feel close to someone without risking emotional intimacy. The problem comes in when the other person sees it as an expression of emotional intimacy and there is great potential then to hurt them. If you are not sure if someone will be physically violent with you, I worry about the lack of care you have for yourself in trusting yourself with him sexually.

Maybe this has got way more to do with a general lack of trust and fear of letting someone in close, rather than the way you choose to dump someone. That isn't to say that breaking up might not be a good choice. If it is, write out your reasons and tell him. Explain that in the present state, you are not prepared to give a relationship what you would like to. Give examples. Part of the reason he is taking this as there being something wrong with him is because so many people use the "It's not you, it's me" as a way of letting someone down easy. I can guarantee you that you will see far less unpleasant emotion if you answer some questions and state your case than if you leave him wondering why you suddenly had a change of heart. He can't help but wonder if you went from staying over at his place, to breaking up with him in the course of a few hours.

Berberella, you are a smart lady and a good hearted one. I think you are pretty self-aware as well. Do you think this is about your basic incompatibility, or your fear of getting close to anyone? It may be that you don't feel ready either way, but maybe it's helpful to get that part sorted out for yourself before you try explaining it. It will make it easier to stand firm in your decision.

I hadn't actually considered that as being a misleading sign, but damn it, yes if someone had done that to me I would certainly have been confused. :doh:

I shouldn't have done it that way, but I wasn't even sure I was going to end it. That night was a last test to see if I wanted to take it any further, and I lay there unhappy afterwards and wanted to leave, to be alone, to think about things.

Wanting more but knowing he wasn't the one to give it to me.

I am also not sure if it's just me sabotaging something that could have been good, I have questioned this angle for 2 weeks now, ever since I started to feel myself closing down and I honestly can't tell. How do you know, how can you be sure?

I have felt increasingly unhappy over the last 2 weeks, I do not feel he can give me what I am looking for. I do not believe that telling him would make a difference, people can not change. They are either one thing or another and I would never ask someone to change for me, and who he is right now is nice, but not wholly what I need. I crave someone to connect with on a level that I do not feel he has the patience to give me.

I just don't know. I intend to phone him this evening, though tbh based on his last text I;m not even sure I want to anymore.
 

BerberElla

12 and a half weeks
Joined
Sep 25, 2008
Messages
2,725
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infp
I only read the OP and the post above mine... so yeah.



And this is what you should tell him.

Text breakups are just one of those things that you shouldn't do in my opinion... At least give him a call. I know it's difficult to have "the talk" about that but I think you ought to.

Are you more concerned with your feelings or his? For his sake you should bring some closure to the situation.



Precisely what I was trying to communicate. Also putting some emphasis on the bolded, a lot of people see right through that, it essentially tells someone that you want to break up with them but you don't want to tell them why.

Just my 2 cents. You also have my support. :hug:

My reasons are really stupid, they simply highlight the numerous insecurities I have. However I did tell him, it really is me, it isn't him. I have issues, I am emotionally needy, it's all true and this is what I told him.

I know text messaging it was immature of me, it's a learning curve though, I wish I hadn't but I did and now it's about learning from it and hopefully never repeating it.

aww berberella...i know this wasn't easy for you.. but i think next time you just need to be upfront with your intentions. explain what has been going on with you these last few years...explain where you are right now...because it sounds like you did let him in...and he became close and your leaving will hurt....so accepting that and trying to own up to that a bit is important...but yeah i get how difficult it is to stand there face to face with someone that you're making sad...it's the worst.

I did, but I did it by text, I will phone him and do it verbally, hopefully he will accept what I am saying with no trying to convince me otherwise. :(

[youtube="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFXCKQ7K2bs"]It's not you, it's me...[/youtube]

I just love this clip. Also exactly how I'd react to being given the "it's not you, it's me" routine.

:laugh:
 

Lady_X

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Messages
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yeah i understand that. it's the trying to convince you otherwise once you've made up your decision. sorry babe...just be strong.
 

Virtual ghost

Complex paradigm
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Jun 6, 2008
Messages
19,723
I am curious about something.
Since people are openly admiting here that they are dumping other people I am wondering if they calculate the probability of other person commiting suicide because of this ?

I mean broken hart is probably number one reason why people commit suicide.



(just curious)
 
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