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  1. #81
    movin melodies kiddykat's Avatar
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    I think the hardest part about break-ups is separating from the attachment we somehow feel for the person. We grow fond of people once we get to know them. But, if we know early on that there are red flags that makes someone very incompatible with us, I think it's smart to make decisions most suitable for both partners.

    I think people can change- their habits, attitudes can change, their beliefs, values, tastes in clothing, music (given the environment/life situation). In terms of their personality, I think it pretty much stays consistent all throughout their life. Not unless if they have a head concussion, or develop Alzheimer's or something..

    Berb- I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. You did give the guy a fair chance. It's not like you made a snap judgment about him and not give him any chances at all. Kuddos to you for putting yourself out there. And I agree- even for someone who does the breaking up, it hurts as well, especially when we don't want to see others hurt, or watch something that 'could have' been something that's just 'not' what we're looking for. It's beneficial to be honest with ourselves/to the other person early on.
    Last edited by kiddykat; 09-23-2009 at 02:14 PM. Reason: vocab

  2. #82
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    People are the same -- they can change a lot, but in the end they still are who they are at core...
    I agree, but see below too ...

    Quote Originally Posted by kyuuei View Post
    So when talking isn't enough, what then? It's not a matter of if the CAN change, of course people can. But will they?
    My point was that Berbs never asked. At all. Just the proverbial "slip out the back door." How can any couple exist in a workable union without some type of communication?

    There's no continual magical knowing on both sides. There's just not, for anyone I don't think. At least not anyone I've ever met.

  3. #83
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    This is what I feel here. Fear, of being trapped, of not being happy, of making decisions, of really being open and honest - and I mean soul-honest.



    You didn't ask? You just assumed he doesn't have what you "need"? Plus, I cannot believe that you believe people cannot change. Of course people can change. Do you not think relationships are a continual balancing act, with the needs of one party overriding the other and vice versa from time to time? Communication is the key. Talking. Saying what you need. And each person giving and taking, sharing and growing. If you never actually talk to the guy, how do you expect to have your needs met? There is no magic wand that people have at their disposal to read minds.

    I don't want to sound harsh, but honestly, I find it so ironic that ENFP's in general want all these "deep" relationships but bail out before they can ever get there!
    Ok, maybe my wording wasn't right, to me it's not about whether they can change, it's about me not wanting to ask them to. If I can't accept a person how they are, then who am I to ask them to change to become the person I would prefer?

    I would never do that to anyone, you are either one thing or another and I don't believe that a relationship should be founded on having to change certain things about yourself.

    I have been married to someone who tried to mould me into what he wanted me to be, and I tried very hard to fill that void in him by playing the part he needed. It was the most miserable time of my life, I hated not being accepted for who I am ergo I would not ask someone else to suffer the same way.

    Also there are things that just can not be changed. I can not become a tidier person just because someone is going to break up with me if I don't, I might try for the sake of love but I am going to feel resentful on those days where I just want to be the lazy slob that I am.

    Things just are what they are, and yes I would like something deep, but I am still optimistic that the person I find that with, isn't made up of parts I wish were different.

    Thank you to the members that put themselves in my shoes, and helped me move past this one, I really appreciate it, I enjoyed all the perspectives on this topic.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

    Berb's Johari Berb's Nohari

  4. #84
    Striving for balance Little Linguist's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Outsider View Post
    I'm sorry, I know it is hard for you, but you should at least show some respect by telling him in person. Relationships shouldn't be ended through a text message.
    ^^^ what he said...I mean, really. Sheesh.
    If you are interested in language, words, linguistics, or foreign languages, check out my blog and read, post, and/or share.

  5. #85
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    If I can't accept a person how they are, then who am I to ask them to change to become the person I would prefer?
    That's not really what I meant. But it's OK. I just wish you happiness and that you find what you are looking for.

  6. #86
    Retired Member Wonkavision's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    Ok, maybe my wording wasn't right, to me it's not about whether they can change, it's about me not wanting to ask them to. If I can't accept a person how they are, then who am I to ask them to change to become the person I would prefer?

    I would never do that to anyone, you are either one thing or another and I don't believe that a relationship should be founded on having to change certain things about yourself.

    I have been married to someone who tried to mould me into what he wanted me to be, and I tried very hard to fill that void in him by playing the part he needed. It was the most miserable time of my life, I hated not being accepted for who I am ergo I would not ask someone else to suffer the same way.

    Also there are things that just can not be changed. I can not become a tidier person just because someone is going to break up with me if I don't, I might try for the sake of love but I am going to feel resentful on those days where I just want to be the lazy slob that I am.

    Things just are what they are, and yes I would like something deep, but I am still optimistic that the person I find that with, isn't made up of parts I wish were different.

    Thank you to the members that put themselves in my shoes, and helped me move past this one, I really appreciate it, I enjoyed all the perspectives on this topic.
    OK---this clarifies a few things for me.

    I agree with this 100%.

    Good for you, Berberella.
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