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  1. #71
    Senior Member Nonsensical's Avatar
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    I haven't ever dumped anyone. It's usually me being dumped.

    But if I were to dump anyone, it would be awfully hard I imagine. I'd hate the idea of it, but I guess if I had a validating reason...but knowing it may hurt the other person is a major factor. That's why I've never really been the one to do it.

    But I'd never cheat, even if things were going bad. And I don't think there are any justifiable variables that make it right. Plus..if I'm in a relationship with someone, then they aren't going to be a person that I would ever in a million years think about cheating on. Relationships are hardcore. No funny business, it's not worth it and just shows you like to play games.
    Is it that by its indefiniteness it shadows forth the heartless voids and immensities of the universe, and thus stabs us from behind with the thought of annihilation, when beholding the white depths of the milky way?

  2. #72
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Maybe this has got way more to do with a general lack of trust and fear of letting someone in close, rather than the way you choose to dump someone.
    This is what I feel here. Fear, of being trapped, of not being happy, of making decisions, of really being open and honest - and I mean soul-honest.

    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    I have felt increasingly unhappy over the last 2 weeks, I do not feel he can give me what I am looking for. I do not believe that telling him would make a difference, people can not change.
    You didn't ask? You just assumed he doesn't have what you "need"? Plus, I cannot believe that you believe people cannot change. Of course people can change. Do you not think relationships are a continual balancing act, with the needs of one party overriding the other and vice versa from time to time? Communication is the key. Talking. Saying what you need. And each person giving and taking, sharing and growing. If you never actually talk to the guy, how do you expect to have your needs met? There is no magic wand that people have at their disposal to read minds.

    I don't want to sound harsh, but honestly, I find it so ironic that ENFP's in general want all these "deep" relationships but bail out before they can ever get there!

  3. #73
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    I set out to sabotage the entire potential for the relationship because my insecurities were eating away at the back of my mind. I pretended I didn't care about the long term potential because I don't think I deserve that special kind of love I am looking for.

    I set it up so that I couldn't get hurt, and I quit it before my emotions could come into play.

    All of this shows me that I am actually still not ready for anything with anybody.
    Berbs, thanks for opening up and sharing all of this with us. You've allowed us a generous peak into your personal life, and the opportunity to feel like we each have something to offer in the way of good advice. No doubt has your journey helped others and given them some direction, even if you aren't completely sure that you've found it yourself.

    I think John Legend put it best when he said, "everybody knows, but nobody really knows". In time, you will find *your* way. None of us really has the answer, we're all searching too.
    There is a thinking stuff from which all things are made, and which, in its original state, permeates, penetrates, and fills the interspaces of the universe.

  4. #74
    mountain surfing nomadic's Avatar
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    i think i ended most of my relationships, except for my first one....

    usually if i remember correctly, it was something that they knew bugged me, and it got to be too much bc it wouldn't stop, so it was never a surprise...

    and for more casual relationships, usually i dunno. i think its more just losing touch...

  5. #75
    Senior Member Sacrator's Avatar
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    I've never had a lot of trouble i just see that if the relationship isn't going to work out then you might as well end it or you will just pull them further into the relationship and hurt them more when you do. As long as you have a good reason then they will understand when they calm down some.
    [SIGPIC]http://www.derekrhode.com/MiscHosting/Pics/151645.png[/SIGPIC]

  6. #76
    Junior Member tisina's Avatar
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    I find this really interesting, most ENFPs seem like they have a hard time dumping people. I don't at all...
    I'm also good at letting friends go. I can cut emotional connections with people pretty easily...even though I don't build a lot of strong emotional connections with people anyway...

    OT:
    ^ your name is derek! that's one of my favorite names ever.
    "I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day."

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  7. #77
    Allergic to Mornings ergophobe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EnFpFer View Post
    In time, you will find *your* way. None of us really has the answer, we're all searching too.


    As the lady says, don't let our responses give you the impression that we're all so sorted in this regard. I can speak for myself at least, a definitive no. :grin:

    Most of us are speaking from our own experiences and are very much on the road to figuring it out as well. You've made a huge leap in understanding your own pattern. It can be so overwhelming when we come face to face with our own self-destructive behavior. Some of us have spent years justifying it to ourselves even. Real vulnerability is hard and requires much patience and tolerance - both for the other and ourselves.

    You will have, as we all hope for ourselves, more opportunities for learning and love, grasshopper. As ENFPs, one of our strengths is our irrepressible optimism about the future. Things have a way of working themselves out.

  8. #78
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    First boyfriend: I broke up with him.
    Second: Broke up with him.
    Third: Mutual split up.
    Fourth: Broke up with him.
    Fifth: Broke up with him.

    .. Given my track record, I think it's easy for me to say I am usually the one breaking up with my boyfriends. I don't find this task hard or at least, I don't fear it or resent it the way some people do. It's not a plague, just an unfortunate obligation.

    I think I have this mentality on it because I try so hard when it comes to relationships. I will beat a dead horse to death, and repair and mend bridges that have long been rotting away in an attempt to hold the land together.. So when it finally dawns on me that the bridge is never going to work despite all my efforts, it's almost relief to me to step up at that point and make a decision that's obviously better for both of us in the end.
    Kantgirl: Just say "I'm feminine and I'll punch anyone who says otherwise!"
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  9. #79
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    You didn't ask? You just assumed he doesn't have what you "need"? Plus, I cannot believe that you believe people cannot change. Of course people can change. Do you not think relationships are a continual balancing act, with the needs of one party overriding the other and vice versa from time to time? Communication is the key. Talking. Saying what you need. And each person giving and taking, sharing and growing. If you never actually talk to the guy, how do you expect to have your needs met? There is no magic wand that people have at their disposal to read minds.

    I don't want to sound harsh, but honestly, I find it so ironic that ENFP's in general want all these "deep" relationships but bail out before they can ever get there!
    Sorry, I'm going to have to step in and push a little here.

    I've dealt with people enough, and I have been in a LTR with an ISFJ, that I know that people can change a lot... but there are some ways in which they just cannot. There are also things about me that, regardless of how hard I tried (and I very much almost sweated blood over them), I just could not change.

    My relationship with my ISFJ was amazing in the sense that we went from having a crappy marriage to -- after refusing to quit, over and over, even when our lives were hell -- finally we figured it all out and really learned to love each other. In the end, there were other things about me I couldn't change that are changing the dynamics of our relationship, but I really know what it means to go the distance and make something work wonderfully with someone I though was entirely unsuitable for me early on... and still bump up against the wall.

    I cannot vouch for what an ENFP bases the decision of "can't change" on, but I know for me it's not a frivolous decision; my natural perception mode is knowing the essence/structure of things, and you can't turn a frog into a horse or gold into talc, no matter how badly you manipulate it.

    People are the same -- they can change a lot, but in the end they still are who they are at core, and even if you CAN change them to make them fit better, sometimes that is a worse violation of their nature and it's not the best thing for them. And besides that, sometimes to make something work, even if you can, carries a tremendous cost that one or both people just might not be willing or able to pay.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  10. #80
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    I know this wasn't toward me. I cannot help but post anyways.

    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    You didn't ask? You just assumed he doesn't have what you "need"? Plus, I cannot believe that you believe people cannot change. Of course people can change. Do you not think relationships are a continual balancing act, with the needs of one party overriding the other and vice versa from time to time? Communication is the key. Talking. Saying what you need. And each person giving and taking, sharing and growing. If you never actually talk to the guy, how do you expect to have your needs met? There is no magic wand that people have at their disposal to read minds.
    So when talking isn't enough, what then? It's not a matter of if the CAN change, of course people can. But will they? I think this answer is, more often than not, no.

    I've told men before laundry lists of reasons why we could never be.. and I always hear the same thing. "Well, I think these things are easily fixed.. I think I can change that or this.." .. And when I always reply "Will you though?" I'm met with indignified insulted feelings and general disdain toward my response.

    I can't imagine someone who's spent their entire lives being x or y changing suddenly and being happy and content about it. I've had boyfriends say during arguments "I will change! I will!" .. But then when the heat of the moment is over, I'm not enough motivation to truly make them change.
    Kantgirl: Just say "I'm feminine and I'll punch anyone who says otherwise!"
    Halla74: Think your way through the world. Feel your way through life.

    Cimarron: maybe Prpl will be your girl-bud
    prplchknz: i don't like it

    In Search Of... ... Kiwi Sketch Art ... Dream Journal ... Kyuuei's Cook book ... Kyu's Tiny House Blog ... Minimalist Challenge ... Kyu's Savings Challenge

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