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  1. #51
    Scream down the boulevard LadyJaye's Avatar
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    The bottom line is this : If you think you're mature enough to get into a relationship in the first place, then you're mature enough to accept the consequences if the relationship doesn't work out. Pain, no pain, crying, no crying - all of that is irrelevant. The other person should be given the courtesy of more than a text message. Their pain is just as important as yours, and they have the right to speak their minds one good time. You have to take it like an adult and deal with it, and then you can walk away. I'm not saying this lightly either. I've had to sit through emotional, weeping break ups before, and it was horrible. But then it was OVER, and I could walk away from it with my dignity intact. And know that I did right by the other person as well.

  2. #52
    Senior Member Happyman's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LadyJaye View Post
    The bottom line is this : If you think you're mature enough to get into a relationship in the first place, then you're mature enough to accept the consequences if the relationship doesn't work out. Pain, no pain, crying, no crying - all of that is irrelevant. The other person should be given the courtesy of more than a text message. Their pain is just as important as yours, and they have the right to speak their minds one good time. You have to take it like an adult and deal with it, and then you can walk away. I'm not saying this lightly either. I've had to sit through emotional, weeping break ups before, and it was horrible. But then it was OVER, and I could walk away from it with my dignity intact. And know that I did right by the other person as well.
    Exactly!

    The other person has the right to know what happened. And also has a right to express her/his emotions and speak out their mind.
    Breaking up through text message is.. cruel and convenient.

    I've been through couple break ups, and listening to the other person and dealing with her emotions is HARD, but you owe them at least that much.
    "Act as though it was impossible to fail."
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    I started a real blog!

  3. #53
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    Sorry, maybe once again I am missing your point, but isn't the best way to find out you are ready or not ready for something, to actually give it a go in the first place?
    Not quite. You don't marry to see if your boyfriend is marriage material do you? I think it all depends on expectations on either side. Some sort of consideration.

    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    I also didn't head into this under the banner of "relationship" and I made it really clear from the start that I wasn't after anything heavy, just some fun. I didn't mislead him when I told him. When he asked me to commit I told him in very clear terms that I wasn't after that, and that I didn't even know if I was ready.

    I told him from the start that I was messed up.
    Fair enough then. If you were honest with him from the start then I guess he had to see this coming. I don't quite understand the concept of staying together if both parties don't see it as having lasting potential...but if that was the deal, then... ok.

  4. #54
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lauren Ashley View Post
    In actuality, we did try to work things out. But nothing changed for whatever reason.

    Too bad, sorry it didn't work out, I have always gotten along with the INFJs I have met (and other NFs in general usually).

    Your words about the ENFP desire for newness is definitely true, sometimes I wish I could calm that down in myself, but it is hard. Don't be too hard on us, we are just organization/focal idiots sometimes, or as I saw in the NT forum "sensotards" as substitute put it.

  5. #55
    Senior Member thescientist's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    Any other ENFP's find it hard to dump someone they no longer want to be with?

    I find it really hard, honestly don't want to hurt anyones feelings, and I tend to take all the blame on to me when I do, ie "it's not you, it's me, I'm just screwed up, I'm doing you a favour" etc etc, even when I feel that I am not totally to blame for the way my interest has dwindled.

    I just broke up with the guy I was seeing, and suffice to say I snuck off in the middle of the night when he was sleeping and sent him a text (after ignoring numerous phone calls and texts off of him) later on the next day ending it by text. It was a long text, it wasn't bad, the usual it's my fault, I'm not ready, thanks for a good time and I hope we can remain friends.

    Oh I am such a coward lol I'm not proud of the way I've done this, I haven't answered any of his calls today, nor his texts pleading with me for more explanations, or to give him another chance to make good.

    I did tell him it was all on me and that he hasn't done anything wrong, I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I'm just not emotionally ready to commit to anyone, and good sex can only go so far, so I'm pretty stressed out that he feels he needs to offer to change when I have made my decision already.

    I don't want to have to explain it again, it was hard enough sending that text as it was. Roll back 10yrs and you wouldn't even have known you were dumped until you added up the complete lack of communication on my part, to get your answer from that.

    Any other enfp's cringe at the dumping stage?

    PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE...take it from someone who's just been led on by an ENFP and dangled by a string only to be shut out cold, left with no explanation or closure...GIVE HIM CLOSURE...it's the very least he deserves. It is NOT fun to be in his shoes. Let him ask questions. Give him answers.

    Had this ENFP not been a coward and confronted me about the situation things could have ended very differently and amicably, but now they're a mess because he didn't have the bawls to just tell me what was up.

    I could have gotten over this so much quicker if he had just talked to me. But he didn't, and left me to deal with these feelings and unanswered questions that just ate away at me until I had a complete emotional and mental breakdown.

  6. #56
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Berbs, I think that you have been through all kinds of terribleness and back and the fact that you are still alive and kicking says a lot for you! I'm going to venture to say though that maybe you're looking for someone to fill a spot that no one but you are able to. Until that gap in your own heart is healed up, there will always be reasons that you will either choose someone who will not value you in the way you deserve or else that you push away a person who wants to love you in the way you need to be loved. It is a difficult thing to trust someone, especially if your past experiences all seem to say that it is dangerous to do so.

    Perhaps some ways to know if you're ready for anyone are:

    Do you trust any male implicitly?

    What would a potential relationship for you consist of if sex wasn't a part of it in the first few months? (In other words, how would you build emotional and intellectual intimacy without having physical intimacy to fall back on?)

    Do you feel like your own emotional needs are taken care of? Do you have anything extra left to offer someone else?

    Are you ready to look for someone long term? Entering into something that you know is temporary before you even begin has great potential to hurt one or both of you. What kind of a man would you want to be your kids' stepdad or role model?

    Do you know what the right sort of partner would look like to you? Are there any dealbreakers? How would you know if someone were or weren't the right person?

    Have you practiced being assertive and honest with other people in your life? If you are not comfortable doing that with other people, it will be a million times harder with a romantic partner.

    Have you figured out what factors contributed to your emotional insecurities? Have you resolved them in some way? If you are carrying that baggage along with you, it is almost impossible for you to even see the other person as they are and you will be more likely to choose someone who either tries to control you or who gives into you, neither of which you can respect or trust.

    Could you be happy without a man in your life? Do you have other areas of your life that offer emotional support, fulfillment, and happiness? If not, too much rides on making something successful that may or may not be a good choice at that time.

    Just a few thoughts. I respect the fact that you've put all this out here for people to discuss with you. That takes a lot of guts. Obviously you do care about how you affect other people, or you wouldn't bother. You've got lots of people rootin' for you!

  7. #57
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    nice post. you're right.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  8. #58
    Retired Member Wonkavision's Avatar
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    I've stayed in relationships too long, because I didn't want to break up.

    Other times, I've broken up without giving a proper explanation.

    I've done all those things, but I've grown, and I'm married now.

    I've been married for six years, and it has been crucial to develop Fi.

    I love my wife and two kids, and I make sacrifices for them.


    I have to moderate my free-wheeling, improvisational approach to life.

    It's not easy, but it's worth it.

    I'm determined to see it through.


    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Berbs, I think that you have been through all kinds of terribleness and back and the fact that you are still alive and kicking says a lot for you! I'm going to venture to say though that maybe you're looking for someone to fill a spot that no one but you are able to. Until that gap in your own heart is healed up, there will always be reasons that you will either choose someone who will not value you in the way you deserve or else that you push away a person who wants to love you in the way you need to be loved. It is a difficult thing to trust someone, especially if your past experiences all seem to say that it is dangerous to do so.

    Perhaps some ways to know if you're ready for anyone are:

    Do you trust any male implicitly?

    What would a potential relationship for you consist of if sex wasn't a part of it in the first few months? (In other words, how would you build emotional and intellectual intimacy without having physical intimacy to fall back on?)

    Do you feel like your own emotional needs are taken care of? Do you have anything extra left to offer someone else?

    Are you ready to look for someone long term? Entering into something that you know is temporary before you even begin has great potential to hurt one or both of you. What kind of a man would you want to be your kids' stepdad or role model?

    Do you know what the right sort of partner would look like to you? Are there any dealbreakers? How would you know if someone were or weren't the right person?

    Have you practiced being assertive and honest with other people in your life? If you are not comfortable doing that with other people, it will be a million times harder with a romantic partner.

    Have you figured out what factors contributed to your emotional insecurities? Have you resolved them in some way? If you are carrying that baggage along with you, it is almost impossible for you to even see the other person as they are and you will be more likely to choose someone who either tries to control you or who gives into you, neither of which you can respect or trust.

    Just a few thoughts. I respect the fact that you've put all this out here for people to discuss with you. That takes a lot of guts. Obviously you do care about how you affect other people, or you wouldn't bother. You've got lots of people rootin' for you!
    +1

    Very well said.
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    TAKE CARE.

    PEACE OUT!!!


  9. #59
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    This is too much like like what my ex wife did. I'm not getting into this one.

  10. #60
    Senior Member Uytuun's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    I mean for myself if I was ever dumped I would, and have, just left it immediately. I haven't pleaded for more information, I haven't offered to change, I haven't tried to fix it or get it back, I'll just let it go. Far too much shameful pride to put myself out there like that, in that vunerable pleading place.
    That doesn't mean that other reactions are any less acceptable, though. It seems a little like you want to have your cake and eat it too (you're not the "victim" here, yes, face it, you really hurt someone - we all do from time to time). I can understand it's not a fun thing for you to do, but in the end you get what you want (out) whereas the guy has something ripped out of his life all of a sudden that he will have to mourn about. A decision made unilaterally. A little effort on your part to overcome your instinctive reaction and accomodate his confusion (within reason) seems appropriate. As does taking responsibility for the emotional effect your decision has on you...

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