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  1. #41
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    yikes a.o.

    no one should be made to feel responsible for that and you can't stay with someone out of that fear...people never tell someone that! it's just awful!
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  2. #42
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Antisocial one View Post
    I am curious about something.
    Since people are openly admiting here that they are dumping other people I am wondering if they calculate the probability of other person commiting suicide because of this ?

    I mean broken hart is probably number one reason why people commit suicide.



    (just curious)
    *kicks A.O*

    Bad timing, babe. Keep this topic in your pocket till later.
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  3. #43
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Antisocial one View Post
    I am curious about something.
    Since people are openly admiting here that they are dumping other people I am wondering if they calculate the probability of other person commiting suicide because of this ?

    I mean broken hart is probably number one reason why people commit suicide.



    (just curious)
    No, I do not take it into consideration because most people are stable enough to not let a break up of a 2 month fling cause them to commit suicide. I have had someone use this line of emotional blackmail before to get me to stay, it's low and cruel.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

    Berb's Johari Berb's Nohari

  4. #44
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Antisocial one View Post
    I am curious about something.
    Since people are openly admiting here that they are dumping other people I am wondering if they calculate the probability of other person commiting suicide because of this ?

    I mean broken hart is probably number one reason why people commit suicide.



    (just curious)
    I don't see how it'd make a difference. If you're breaking up with the person, the relationship can't be that integral to your existence in the first place, and I don't think you're ever responsible for someone's imbalances.



  5. #45
    Allergic to Mornings ergophobe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Your feelings are understandable... It is hard to overcome the belief that it is not safe to be honest. I think when there's insecurity, it's easy to go one of two routes: avoidance and non-assertiveness, or bringing in the cannons when a pellet gun would have done the trick. Both are based on the belief that you won't be listened to if you just state your case.
    +1

    I also object to the use of the phrase dumping - not just because it's disrespectful of the person at the receiving end but also because in this case, it doesn't apply. Berb - if this didn't bother you, you wouldn't be making a thread about it and soliciting advice. You clearly care enough about the person to not dump them but break up with them. The method you used is better associated with the former than the latter. When you break up, it involves a conversation, not just a one-way message. This does not imply that the two people necessarily continue to work on things. You are right, you always have the choice to end things but breaking up involves letting both people air their opinions in a real conversation about incompatibility.

    There is also a real question here about why you are breaking up -- i would examine that more closely. On one hand, you said you weren't ready. Secondly, you said you needed more which this person was not capable of providing. Two very different reasons.

    1. If in fact you are aware of what you need and this person does not fill that need -- that's a simple matter of incompatibility. People understand that and don't question it - why would they want to be with someone who does not desire them in return? On the other hand, when they are told it's not them - it's confusing. No wonder ENPs have exes that never go away! If we keep telling people they are WONDERFUL but we are not ready won't the exes keep wondering about whether it's purely a matter of timing and a different time would imply a different outcome?

    2. If it is a question of feeling raw and not being ready and you genuinely liking this person and finding them compatible, then examine where you are and whether you can work through it with them. If you can't, it's of course okay to say that you need to work through your own stuff first, by yourself.

    Either way, it is something all ENPs have to work on. At what point are we moving on again because of incompatibility or are we once again driven by our desire for that initial intensity that comes at the start of a new relationship and moving away from someone who has become a known quantity? All relationships require work - hence syptg's point is a valid one. If you feel rushed, can you ask him to slow down and work on some of this? Nice pellets versus the cannons analogy that Fidelia used.

    Paradoxically, sex is often a way that people can feel close to someone without risking emotional intimacy. The problem comes in when the other person sees it as an expression of emotional intimacy and there is great potential then to hurt them. If you are not sure if someone will be physically violent with you, I worry about the lack of care you have for yourself in trusting yourself with him sexually.
    This is spot on and gives you your answer for why he may have invested more. Berb - people are not all mindreaders (like us :grin. They only know what we tell them. If you didn't make your thoughts/concerns known earlier, how is he to know? He is making his own assessment much like you did yours and reaching an entirely different conclusion.

    Part of the reason he is taking this as there being something wrong with him is because so many people use the "It's not you, it's me" as a way of letting someone down easy.
    Yes, most people need to know why. Fs in particular. I can't guarantee that there won't be negative emotions at his end but he is allowed to feel them too, isn't he? He's human. If the reason you don't want to see him anymore is real incompatibility then he will be disappointed because he thinks differently. He may be hurt and angry (probably at himself for getting so invested). Avoiding those negative emotions is not a good reason for dumping versus a proper breakup. We can't base what we do on whether people will like us or what they will think of us alone. That's cowardice. In the long run, you will be doing him a favor in allowing him to move on and find someone who can return what he offers. Be secure in that and do right by him so you can put this to rest.

    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    I am also not sure if it's just me sabotaging something that could have been good, I have questioned this angle for 2 weeks now, ever since I started to feel myself closing down and I honestly can't tell. How do you know, how can you be sure?
    This. You don't know until you try to open yourself up and see if it works out, right?

    So - think carefully about why. If you are feeling that this person is not right, if you can isolate what those qualities or characteristics are that make you incompatible then move on.

    If you are just feeling anxious about being vulnerable or feeling pushed into making that move quickly on his insistence -- see if you can slow down and work on things.

    Good luck! Matters of the heart are ever so complicated.

  6. #46
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    No, I do not take it into consideration because most people are stable enough to not let a break up of a 2 month fling cause them to commit suicide. I have had someone use this line of emotional blackmail before to get me to stay, it's low and cruel.
    Exactly. Pulling that one is low, and it is hella cruel. And if someone is going to commit suicide, they are going to commit suicide. It doesn't matter what they wrote in the good bye letter. It isn't the fault of the person they are attempting to blame at their exit. I would never consider it, except to make a phone call to a mental health clinic or suicide hotline.

  7. #47
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    I don't know about the original post, but I've dumped a few ENFPs. Everything is always great in the beginning when it's new but eventually they start getting antsy. It seems they were always searching for the next best thing, so I let them be free to find it.
    Likes Lvly1 liked this post

  8. #48
    movin melodies kiddykat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    Any other enfp's cringe at the dumping stage?
    Most definitely, yes. I avoid it at all costs. Break-ups just aren't as easy.. Sometimes, as much as I try to keep it friendly.. like say, "Hey- I don't think we're good for each other, but let's just be friends- no hard feelings.. Wanna grab a drink- coffee, slushy & keep things light hearted?? Yeah?"

    I wish there was such a thing as 'friendly' break-up..

    When it comes to breaking up with someone who I can't respect whatsoever, after finding out who they are (how they treat/view others- if it's in a harsh/really inhumane) way, I don't mind dumping them and telling them off- especially if after prolonged discussion for getting multiple viewpoints out/hoping to enlighten them to broaden their perspective, if they're still cold-hearted towards others.. I feel zero remorse. Nada.

  9. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lauren Ashley View Post
    I don't know about the original post, but I've dumped a few ENFPs. Everything is always great in the beginning when it's new but eventually they start getting antsy. It seems they were always searching for the next best thing, so I let them be free to find it.

    I kind of can relate to that, it really sucks for us, because we feel torn between our love of the person and our need for new experience. I think you should make the decision with them not for them though.

  10. #50
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Goatman455 View Post
    I kind of can relate to that, it really sucks for us, because we feel torn between our love of the person and our need for new experience. I think you should make the decision with them not for them though.
    In actuality, we did try to work things out. But nothing changed for whatever reason.

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