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  1. #31
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    To you maybe, to me no, I don't enjoy crying infront of people, so yes I would much rather a non face to face dumping if I was being dumped.
    I don't think you got my point. Crying in front of another person is not something I enjoy either. But there are ends that justify being vulnerable if need be.

    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    Also why does everyone deserve to be given a chance to change or try to change something before being dumped? there is nothing to change, he isn't even to blame, I'm just not ready to have an emotional connection to anyone and he can't try to change that because I don't want to change that.
    Then why did you start the relationship in the first place?

    Everyone deserves being given a change to change or try to change something before being dumped....because it makes no sense to start a relationship without a reason. If the reason is no longer good enough, both parties should try and talk about it to clear it up. That's how you evolve and avoid making mistakes in the future.

  2. #32
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Your feelings are understandable. Maybe the best thing about this happening is that it gives you a chance to think how you do want to set up your future relationships. Part of the problem is that you have been in some relationships in the past where you aren't valued, respected or heard. It is hard to overcome the belief that it is not safe to be honest. I think when there's insecurity, it's easy to go one of two routes: avoidance and non-assertiveness, or bringing in the cannons when a pellet gun would have done the trick. Both are based on the belief that you won't be listened to if you just state your case.

    Paradoxically, sex is often a way that people can feel close to someone without risking emotional intimacy. The problem comes in when the other person sees it as an expression of emotional intimacy and there is great potential then to hurt them. If you are not sure if someone will be physically violent with you, I worry about the lack of care you have for yourself in trusting yourself with him sexually.

    Maybe this has got way more to do with a general lack of trust and fear of letting someone in close, rather than the way you choose to dump someone. That isn't to say that breaking up might not be a good choice. If it is, write out your reasons and tell him. Explain that in the present state, you are not prepared to give a relationship what you would like to. Give examples. Part of the reason he is taking this as there being something wrong with him is because so many people use the "It's not you, it's me" as a way of letting someone down easy. I can guarantee you that you will see far less unpleasant emotion if you answer some questions and state your case than if you leave him wondering why you suddenly had a change of heart. He can't help but wonder if you went from staying over at his place, to breaking up with him in the course of a few hours.

    Berberella, you are a smart lady and a good hearted one. I think you are pretty self-aware as well. Do you think this is about your basic incompatibility, or your fear of getting close to anyone? It may be that you don't feel ready either way, but maybe it's helpful to get that part sorted out for yourself before you try explaining it. It will make it easier to stand firm in your decision.

  3. #33
    Magical BlackCat's Avatar
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    I only read the OP and the post above mine... so yeah.

    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    I'm just not emotionally ready to commit to anyone, and good sex can only go so far, so I'm pretty stressed out that he feels he needs to offer to change when I have made my decision already.
    And this is what you should tell him.

    Text breakups are just one of those things that you shouldn't do in my opinion... At least give him a call. I know it's difficult to have "the talk" about that but I think you ought to.

    Are you more concerned with your feelings or his? For his sake you should bring some closure to the situation.

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Maybe this has got way more to do with a general lack of trust and fear of letting someone in close, rather than the way you choose to dump someone. That isn't to say that breaking up might be a good choice. If it is, write out your reasons and tell him. Explain that in the present state, you are not prepared to give a relationship what you would like to. Give examples. Part of the reason he is taking this as there being something wrong with him is because so many people use the "It's not you, it's me" as a way of letting someone down easy. I can guarantee you that you will see far less unpleasant emotion if you answer some questions and state your case than if you leave him wondering why you suddenly had a change of heart.
    Precisely what I was trying to communicate. Also putting some emphasis on the bolded, a lot of people see right through that, it essentially tells someone that you want to break up with them but you don't want to tell them why.

    Just my 2 cents. You also have my support.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

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  4. #34
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    aww berberella...i know this wasn't easy for you.. but i think next time you just need to be upfront with your intentions. explain what has been going on with you these last few years...explain where you are right now...because it sounds like you did let him in...and he became close and your leaving will hurt....so accepting that and trying to own up to that a bit is important...but yeah i get how difficult it is to stand there face to face with someone that you're making sad...it's the worst.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  5. #35
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    [youtube="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFXCKQ7K2bs"]It's not you, it's me...[/youtube]

    I just love this clip. Also exactly how I'd react to being given the "it's not you, it's me" routine.



  6. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    Any other ENFP's find it hard to dump someone they no longer want to be with?

    I find it really hard, honestly don't want to hurt anyones feelings, and I tend to take all the blame on to me when I do, ie "it's not you, it's me, I'm just screwed up, I'm doing you a favour" etc etc, even when I feel that I am not totally to blame for the way my interest has dwindled.

    I just broke up with the guy I was seeing, and suffice to say I snuck off in the middle of the night when he was sleeping and sent him a text (after ignoring numerous phone calls and texts off of him) later on the next day ending it by text. It was a long text, it wasn't bad, the usual it's my fault, I'm not ready, thanks for a good time and I hope we can remain friends.

    Oh I am such a coward lol I'm not proud of the way I've done this, I haven't answered any of his calls today, nor his texts pleading with me for more explanations, or to give him another chance to make good.

    I did tell him it was all on me and that he hasn't done anything wrong, I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I'm just not emotionally ready to commit to anyone, and good sex can only go so far, so I'm pretty stressed out that he feels he needs to offer to change when I have made my decision already.

    I don't want to have to explain it again, it was hard enough sending that text as it was. Roll back 10yrs and you wouldn't even have known you were dumped until you added up the complete lack of communication on my part, to get your answer from that.

    Any other enfp's cringe at the dumping stage?


    I also have problems figuring out whether I want to dumb the person or not.

    Lol at the Seinfeld. "It's like a submarine, you have to both turn the key". lol. Remember that one too? Then later in the episode Jerry says "What's the problem, it's not like a submarine, you both don't have to turn the key."

  7. #37
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CaptainChick View Post


    Yep, 100%

    I think my perpetual ex is precisely that because I care about him so much that whenever he comes back, (even when I am not feeling him), it is so hard for me to let him down and, or know, (how I feel).

    Only when I am incredibly angry, resentful, or at my wit's end, do I actively dump people.

    But, yeah, I'm a runner, and tend to sheepishly flee the scene whenever I can, awful and pathetic, I know.
    Yes, and then I'm not in anyway nice about it, because usually I have snapped once it gets to that stage.

    Quote Originally Posted by notsweetynice View Post
    The word 'dumping' in and of itself is so disrespectful. Blech, I'm afraid corporations seem to lay off people in a more civil way than the way most people break up.

    I think that sometimes when people are the breaker uppers there is almost a little of an ego trip associated with it.
    No, not always. I honestly feel like shit that I feel this way in the first place. Aside from the stupid nasty text he sent accusing me of all sorts, he was really nice to me. This isn't about an ego trip.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sytpg View Post
    I don't think you got my point. Crying in front of another person is not something I enjoy either. But there are ends that justify being vulnerable if need be.



    Then why did you start the relationship in the first place?

    Everyone deserves being given a change to change or try to change something before being dumped....because it makes no sense to start a relationship without a reason. If the reason is no longer good enough, both parties should try and talk about it to clear it up. That's how you evolve and avoid making mistakes in the future.
    Sorry, maybe once again I am missing your point, but isn't the best way to find out you are ready or not ready for something, to actually give it a go in the first place?

    I also didn't head into this under the banner of "relationship" and I made it really clear from the start that I wasn't after anything heavy, just some fun. I didn't mislead him when I told him. When he asked me to commit I told him in very clear terms that I wasn't after that, and that I didn't even know if I was ready.

    I told him from the start that I was messed up.

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Your feelings are understandable. Maybe the best thing about this happening is that it gives you a chance to think how you do want to set up your future relationships. Part of the problem is that you have been in some relationships in the past where you aren't valued, respected or heard. It is hard to overcome the belief that it is not safe to be honest. I think when there's insecurity, it's easy to go one of two routes: avoidance and non-assertiveness, or bringing in the cannons when a pellet gun would have done the trick. Both are based on the belief that you won't be listened to if you just state your case.

    Paradoxically, sex is often a way that people can feel close to someone without risking emotional intimacy. The problem comes in when the other person sees it as an expression of emotional intimacy and there is great potential then to hurt them. If you are not sure if someone will be physically violent with you, I worry about the lack of care you have for yourself in trusting yourself with him sexually.

    Maybe this has got way more to do with a general lack of trust and fear of letting someone in close, rather than the way you choose to dump someone. That isn't to say that breaking up might not be a good choice. If it is, write out your reasons and tell him. Explain that in the present state, you are not prepared to give a relationship what you would like to. Give examples. Part of the reason he is taking this as there being something wrong with him is because so many people use the "It's not you, it's me" as a way of letting someone down easy. I can guarantee you that you will see far less unpleasant emotion if you answer some questions and state your case than if you leave him wondering why you suddenly had a change of heart. He can't help but wonder if you went from staying over at his place, to breaking up with him in the course of a few hours.

    Berberella, you are a smart lady and a good hearted one. I think you are pretty self-aware as well. Do you think this is about your basic incompatibility, or your fear of getting close to anyone? It may be that you don't feel ready either way, but maybe it's helpful to get that part sorted out for yourself before you try explaining it. It will make it easier to stand firm in your decision.
    I hadn't actually considered that as being a misleading sign, but damn it, yes if someone had done that to me I would certainly have been confused.

    I shouldn't have done it that way, but I wasn't even sure I was going to end it. That night was a last test to see if I wanted to take it any further, and I lay there unhappy afterwards and wanted to leave, to be alone, to think about things.

    Wanting more but knowing he wasn't the one to give it to me.

    I am also not sure if it's just me sabotaging something that could have been good, I have questioned this angle for 2 weeks now, ever since I started to feel myself closing down and I honestly can't tell. How do you know, how can you be sure?

    I have felt increasingly unhappy over the last 2 weeks, I do not feel he can give me what I am looking for. I do not believe that telling him would make a difference, people can not change. They are either one thing or another and I would never ask someone to change for me, and who he is right now is nice, but not wholly what I need. I crave someone to connect with on a level that I do not feel he has the patience to give me.

    I just don't know. I intend to phone him this evening, though tbh based on his last text I;m not even sure I want to anymore.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

    Berb's Johari Berb's Nohari

  8. #38
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    I only read the OP and the post above mine... so yeah.



    And this is what you should tell him.

    Text breakups are just one of those things that you shouldn't do in my opinion... At least give him a call. I know it's difficult to have "the talk" about that but I think you ought to.

    Are you more concerned with your feelings or his? For his sake you should bring some closure to the situation.



    Precisely what I was trying to communicate. Also putting some emphasis on the bolded, a lot of people see right through that, it essentially tells someone that you want to break up with them but you don't want to tell them why.

    Just my 2 cents. You also have my support.
    My reasons are really stupid, they simply highlight the numerous insecurities I have. However I did tell him, it really is me, it isn't him. I have issues, I am emotionally needy, it's all true and this is what I told him.

    I know text messaging it was immature of me, it's a learning curve though, I wish I hadn't but I did and now it's about learning from it and hopefully never repeating it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    aww berberella...i know this wasn't easy for you.. but i think next time you just need to be upfront with your intentions. explain what has been going on with you these last few years...explain where you are right now...because it sounds like you did let him in...and he became close and your leaving will hurt....so accepting that and trying to own up to that a bit is important...but yeah i get how difficult it is to stand there face to face with someone that you're making sad...it's the worst.
    I did, but I did it by text, I will phone him and do it verbally, hopefully he will accept what I am saying with no trying to convince me otherwise.

    Quote Originally Posted by JocktheMotie View Post
    [youtube="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFXCKQ7K2bs"]It's not you, it's me...[/youtube]

    I just love this clip. Also exactly how I'd react to being given the "it's not you, it's me" routine.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

    Berb's Johari Berb's Nohari

  9. #39
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    yeah i understand that. it's the trying to convince you otherwise once you've made up your decision. sorry babe...just be strong.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  10. #40
    Queen hunter Virtual ghost's Avatar
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    I am curious about something.
    Since people are openly admiting here that they are dumping other people I am wondering if they calculate the probability of other person commiting suicide because of this ?

    I mean broken hart is probably number one reason why people commit suicide.



    (just curious)

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