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[ENFP] ENFP's and dumping people?

Lady_X

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yikes a.o.

no one should be made to feel responsible for that and you can't stay with someone out of that fear...people never tell someone that! it's just awful!
 

Amargith

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I am curious about something.
Since people are openly admiting here that they are dumping other people I am wondering if they calculate the probability of other person commiting suicide because of this ?

I mean broken hart is probably number one reason why people commit suicide.



(just curious)

*kicks A.O*

Bad timing, babe. Keep this topic in your pocket till later.
 

BerberElla

12 and a half weeks
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I am curious about something.
Since people are openly admiting here that they are dumping other people I am wondering if they calculate the probability of other person commiting suicide because of this ?

I mean broken hart is probably number one reason why people commit suicide.



(just curious)

No, I do not take it into consideration because most people are stable enough to not let a break up of a 2 month fling cause them to commit suicide. I have had someone use this line of emotional blackmail before to get me to stay, it's low and cruel.
 

JocktheMotie

Habitual Fi LineStepper
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I am curious about something.
Since people are openly admiting here that they are dumping other people I am wondering if they calculate the probability of other person commiting suicide because of this ?

I mean broken hart is probably number one reason why people commit suicide.



(just curious)

I don't see how it'd make a difference. If you're breaking up with the person, the relationship can't be that integral to your existence in the first place, and I don't think you're ever responsible for someone's imbalances.
 

ergophobe

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Your feelings are understandable... It is hard to overcome the belief that it is not safe to be honest. I think when there's insecurity, it's easy to go one of two routes: avoidance and non-assertiveness, or bringing in the cannons when a pellet gun would have done the trick. Both are based on the belief that you won't be listened to if you just state your case.

+1

I also object to the use of the phrase dumping - not just because it's disrespectful of the person at the receiving end but also because in this case, it doesn't apply. Berb - if this didn't bother you, you wouldn't be making a thread about it and soliciting advice. You clearly care enough about the person to not dump them but break up with them. The method you used is better associated with the former than the latter. When you break up, it involves a conversation, not just a one-way message. This does not imply that the two people necessarily continue to work on things. You are right, you always have the choice to end things but breaking up involves letting both people air their opinions in a real conversation about incompatibility.

There is also a real question here about why you are breaking up -- i would examine that more closely. On one hand, you said you weren't ready. Secondly, you said you needed more which this person was not capable of providing. Two very different reasons.

1. If in fact you are aware of what you need and this person does not fill that need -- that's a simple matter of incompatibility. People understand that and don't question it - why would they want to be with someone who does not desire them in return? On the other hand, when they are told it's not them - it's confusing. No wonder ENPs have exes that never go away! If we keep telling people they are WONDERFUL but we are not ready won't the exes keep wondering about whether it's purely a matter of timing and a different time would imply a different outcome?

2. If it is a question of feeling raw and not being ready and you genuinely liking this person and finding them compatible, then examine where you are and whether you can work through it with them. If you can't, it's of course okay to say that you need to work through your own stuff first, by yourself.

Either way, it is something all ENPs have to work on. At what point are we moving on again because of incompatibility or are we once again driven by our desire for that initial intensity that comes at the start of a new relationship and moving away from someone who has become a known quantity? All relationships require work - hence syptg's point is a valid one. If you feel rushed, can you ask him to slow down and work on some of this? Nice pellets versus the cannons analogy that Fidelia used.

Paradoxically, sex is often a way that people can feel close to someone without risking emotional intimacy. The problem comes in when the other person sees it as an expression of emotional intimacy and there is great potential then to hurt them. If you are not sure if someone will be physically violent with you, I worry about the lack of care you have for yourself in trusting yourself with him sexually.

This is spot on and gives you your answer for why he may have invested more. Berb - people are not all mindreaders (like us :grin:). They only know what we tell them. If you didn't make your thoughts/concerns known earlier, how is he to know? He is making his own assessment much like you did yours and reaching an entirely different conclusion.

Part of the reason he is taking this as there being something wrong with him is because so many people use the "It's not you, it's me" as a way of letting someone down easy.

Yes, most people need to know why. Fs in particular. I can't guarantee that there won't be negative emotions at his end but he is allowed to feel them too, isn't he? He's human. If the reason you don't want to see him anymore is real incompatibility then he will be disappointed because he thinks differently. He may be hurt and angry (probably at himself for getting so invested). Avoiding those negative emotions is not a good reason for dumping versus a proper breakup. We can't base what we do on whether people will like us or what they will think of us alone. That's cowardice. In the long run, you will be doing him a favor in allowing him to move on and find someone who can return what he offers. Be secure in that and do right by him so you can put this to rest.

I am also not sure if it's just me sabotaging something that could have been good, I have questioned this angle for 2 weeks now, ever since I started to feel myself closing down and I honestly can't tell. How do you know, how can you be sure?

This. You don't know until you try to open yourself up and see if it works out, right?

So - think carefully about why. If you are feeling that this person is not right, if you can isolate what those qualities or characteristics are that make you incompatible then move on.

If you are just feeling anxious about being vulnerable or feeling pushed into making that move quickly on his insistence -- see if you can slow down and work on things.

Good luck! Matters of the heart are ever so complicated. :hug:
 

Charmed Justice

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No, I do not take it into consideration because most people are stable enough to not let a break up of a 2 month fling cause them to commit suicide. I have had someone use this line of emotional blackmail before to get me to stay, it's low and cruel.

Exactly. Pulling that one is low, and it is hella cruel. And if someone is going to commit suicide, they are going to commit suicide. It doesn't matter what they wrote in the good bye letter. It isn't the fault of the person they are attempting to blame at their exit. I would never consider it, except to make a phone call to a mental health clinic or suicide hotline.
 

Lauren Ashley

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I don't know about the original post, but I've dumped a few ENFPs. Everything is always great in the beginning when it's new but eventually they start getting antsy. It seems they were always searching for the next best thing, so I let them be free to find it.
 

kiddykat

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Any other enfp's cringe at the dumping stage?
Most definitely, yes. I avoid it at all costs. Break-ups just aren't as easy.. Sometimes, as much as I try to keep it friendly.. like say, "Hey- I don't think we're good for each other, but let's just be friends- no hard feelings.. Wanna grab a drink- coffee, slushy & keep things light hearted?? Yeah?"

I wish there was such a thing as 'friendly' break-up..

When it comes to breaking up with someone who I can't respect whatsoever, after finding out who they are (how they treat/view others- if it's in a harsh/really inhumane) way, I don't mind dumping them and telling them off- especially if after prolonged discussion for getting multiple viewpoints out/hoping to enlighten them to broaden their perspective, if they're still cold-hearted towards others.. I feel zero remorse. Nada.
 

Goatman455

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I don't know about the original post, but I've dumped a few ENFPs. Everything is always great in the beginning when it's new but eventually they start getting antsy. It seems they were always searching for the next best thing, so I let them be free to find it.


I kind of can relate to that, it really sucks for us, because we feel torn between our love of the person and our need for new experience. I think you should make the decision with them not for them though.
 

Lauren Ashley

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I kind of can relate to that, it really sucks for us, because we feel torn between our love of the person and our need for new experience. I think you should make the decision with them not for them though.
In actuality, we did try to work things out. But nothing changed for whatever reason.
 

LadyJaye

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The bottom line is this : If you think you're mature enough to get into a relationship in the first place, then you're mature enough to accept the consequences if the relationship doesn't work out. Pain, no pain, crying, no crying - all of that is irrelevant. The other person should be given the courtesy of more than a text message. Their pain is just as important as yours, and they have the right to speak their minds one good time. You have to take it like an adult and deal with it, and then you can walk away. I'm not saying this lightly either. I've had to sit through emotional, weeping break ups before, and it was horrible. But then it was OVER, and I could walk away from it with my dignity intact. And know that I did right by the other person as well.
 

Happyman

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The bottom line is this : If you think you're mature enough to get into a relationship in the first place, then you're mature enough to accept the consequences if the relationship doesn't work out. Pain, no pain, crying, no crying - all of that is irrelevant. The other person should be given the courtesy of more than a text message. Their pain is just as important as yours, and they have the right to speak their minds one good time. You have to take it like an adult and deal with it, and then you can walk away. I'm not saying this lightly either. I've had to sit through emotional, weeping break ups before, and it was horrible. But then it was OVER, and I could walk away from it with my dignity intact. And know that I did right by the other person as well.

Exactly!

The other person has the right to know what happened. And also has a right to express her/his emotions and speak out their mind.
Breaking up through text message is.. cruel and convenient.

I've been through couple break ups, and listening to the other person and dealing with her emotions is HARD, but you owe them at least that much.
 

Moiety

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Sorry, maybe once again I am missing your point, but isn't the best way to find out you are ready or not ready for something, to actually give it a go in the first place?

Not quite. You don't marry to see if your boyfriend is marriage material do you? I think it all depends on expectations on either side. Some sort of consideration.

I also didn't head into this under the banner of "relationship" and I made it really clear from the start that I wasn't after anything heavy, just some fun. I didn't mislead him when I told him. When he asked me to commit I told him in very clear terms that I wasn't after that, and that I didn't even know if I was ready.

I told him from the start that I was messed up.

Fair enough then. If you were honest with him from the start then I guess he had to see this coming. I don't quite understand the concept of staying together if both parties don't see it as having lasting potential...but if that was the deal, then... ok.
 

Goatman455

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In actuality, we did try to work things out. But nothing changed for whatever reason.


Too bad, sorry it didn't work out, I have always gotten along with the INFJs I have met (and other NFs in general usually).

Your words about the ENFP desire for newness is definitely true, sometimes I wish I could calm that down in myself, but it is hard. Don't be too hard on us, we are just organization/focal idiots sometimes, or as I saw in the NT forum "sensotards" as substitute put it.
 

thescientist

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Any other ENFP's find it hard to dump someone they no longer want to be with?

I find it really hard, honestly don't want to hurt anyones feelings, and I tend to take all the blame on to me when I do, ie "it's not you, it's me, I'm just screwed up, I'm doing you a favour" etc etc, even when I feel that I am not totally to blame for the way my interest has dwindled.

I just broke up with the guy I was seeing, and suffice to say I snuck off in the middle of the night when he was sleeping and sent him a text (after ignoring numerous phone calls and texts off of him) later on the next day ending it by text. :doh: It was a long text, it wasn't bad, the usual it's my fault, I'm not ready, thanks for a good time and I hope we can remain friends.

Oh I am such a coward lol I'm not proud of the way I've done this, I haven't answered any of his calls today, nor his texts pleading with me for more explanations, or to give him another chance to make good.

I did tell him it was all on me and that he hasn't done anything wrong, I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I'm just not emotionally ready to commit to anyone, and good sex can only go so far, so I'm pretty stressed out that he feels he needs to offer to change when I have made my decision already.

I don't want to have to explain it again, it was hard enough sending that text as it was. Roll back 10yrs and you wouldn't even have known you were dumped until you added up the complete lack of communication on my part, to get your answer from that.

Any other enfp's cringe at the dumping stage?


PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE...take it from someone who's just been led on by an ENFP and dangled by a string only to be shut out cold, left with no explanation or closure...GIVE HIM CLOSURE...it's the very least he deserves. It is NOT fun to be in his shoes. Let him ask questions. Give him answers.

Had this ENFP not been a coward and confronted me about the situation things could have ended very differently and amicably, but now they're a mess because he didn't have the bawls to just tell me what was up.

I could have gotten over this so much quicker if he had just talked to me. But he didn't, and left me to deal with these feelings and unanswered questions that just ate away at me until I had a complete emotional and mental breakdown.
 

Fidelia

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Berbs, I think that you have been through all kinds of terribleness and back and the fact that you are still alive and kicking says a lot for you! I'm going to venture to say though that maybe you're looking for someone to fill a spot that no one but you are able to. Until that gap in your own heart is healed up, there will always be reasons that you will either choose someone who will not value you in the way you deserve or else that you push away a person who wants to love you in the way you need to be loved. It is a difficult thing to trust someone, especially if your past experiences all seem to say that it is dangerous to do so.

Perhaps some ways to know if you're ready for anyone are:

Do you trust any male implicitly?

What would a potential relationship for you consist of if sex wasn't a part of it in the first few months? (In other words, how would you build emotional and intellectual intimacy without having physical intimacy to fall back on?)

Do you feel like your own emotional needs are taken care of? Do you have anything extra left to offer someone else?

Are you ready to look for someone long term? Entering into something that you know is temporary before you even begin has great potential to hurt one or both of you. What kind of a man would you want to be your kids' stepdad or role model?

Do you know what the right sort of partner would look like to you? Are there any dealbreakers? How would you know if someone were or weren't the right person?

Have you practiced being assertive and honest with other people in your life? If you are not comfortable doing that with other people, it will be a million times harder with a romantic partner.

Have you figured out what factors contributed to your emotional insecurities? Have you resolved them in some way? If you are carrying that baggage along with you, it is almost impossible for you to even see the other person as they are and you will be more likely to choose someone who either tries to control you or who gives into you, neither of which you can respect or trust.

Could you be happy without a man in your life? Do you have other areas of your life that offer emotional support, fulfillment, and happiness? If not, too much rides on making something successful that may or may not be a good choice at that time.

Just a few thoughts. I respect the fact that you've put all this out here for people to discuss with you. That takes a lot of guts. Obviously you do care about how you affect other people, or you wouldn't bother. You've got lots of people rootin' for you!
 

Lady_X

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nice post. you're right.
 

Wonkavision

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I've stayed in relationships too long, because I didn't want to break up.

Other times, I've broken up without giving a proper explanation.

I've done all those things, but I've grown, and I'm married now.

I've been married for six years, and it has been crucial to develop Fi.

I love my wife and two kids, and I make sacrifices for them.


I have to moderate my free-wheeling, improvisational approach to life.

It's not easy, but it's worth it.

I'm determined to see it through.


Berbs, I think that you have been through all kinds of terribleness and back and the fact that you are still alive and kicking says a lot for you! I'm going to venture to say though that maybe you're looking for someone to fill a spot that no one but you are able to. Until that gap in your own heart is healed up, there will always be reasons that you will either choose someone who will not value you in the way you deserve or else that you push away a person who wants to love you in the way you need to be loved. It is a difficult thing to trust someone, especially if your past experiences all seem to say that it is dangerous to do so.

Perhaps some ways to know if you're ready for anyone are:

Do you trust any male implicitly?

What would a potential relationship for you consist of if sex wasn't a part of it in the first few months? (In other words, how would you build emotional and intellectual intimacy without having physical intimacy to fall back on?)

Do you feel like your own emotional needs are taken care of? Do you have anything extra left to offer someone else?

Are you ready to look for someone long term? Entering into something that you know is temporary before you even begin has great potential to hurt one or both of you. What kind of a man would you want to be your kids' stepdad or role model?

Do you know what the right sort of partner would look like to you? Are there any dealbreakers? How would you know if someone were or weren't the right person?

Have you practiced being assertive and honest with other people in your life? If you are not comfortable doing that with other people, it will be a million times harder with a romantic partner.

Have you figured out what factors contributed to your emotional insecurities? Have you resolved them in some way? If you are carrying that baggage along with you, it is almost impossible for you to even see the other person as they are and you will be more likely to choose someone who either tries to control you or who gives into you, neither of which you can respect or trust.

Just a few thoughts. I respect the fact that you've put all this out here for people to discuss with you. That takes a lot of guts. Obviously you do care about how you affect other people, or you wouldn't bother. You've got lots of people rootin' for you!

+1

Very well said. :nice:
 

Biaxident

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This is too much like like what my ex wife did. I'm not getting into this one.
 

Uytuun

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I mean for myself if I was ever dumped I would, and have, just left it immediately. I haven't pleaded for more information, I haven't offered to change, I haven't tried to fix it or get it back, I'll just let it go. Far too much shameful pride to put myself out there like that, in that vunerable pleading place.

That doesn't mean that other reactions are any less acceptable, though. It seems a little like you want to have your cake and eat it too (you're not the "victim" here, yes, face it, you really hurt someone - we all do from time to time). I can understand it's not a fun thing for you to do, but in the end you get what you want (out) whereas the guy has something ripped out of his life all of a sudden that he will have to mourn about. A decision made unilaterally. A little effort on your part to overcome your instinctive reaction and accomodate his confusion (within reason) seems appropriate. As does taking responsibility for the emotional effect your decision has on you...
 
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