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  1. #21
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    It is a poor way to break up. But I've also seen a lot of posts saying "just break up if you don't like the person/if it's not working out, don't drag them through this whole drawn out thing and then break up with them"

    Not doing it face to face would alleviate some of that "changing her mind because of emotion" that could happen. I do think not igoring him would be good, too, but sometimes people aren't strong enough to deal with things in the "perfect" way.

  2. #22
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    Well, practice makes perfect. Being an ENFP doesn't mean you can't deliver the harsh truth to others when need be. That would be pretty sad.

  3. #23
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Littlelostnf View Post
    Notice you're saying I would prefer...however, relationships are about two people and while you may prefer not doing an awkward face to face...what if that's what the other person needs for closure. Relationships are about two people and their needs not one persons. Even when breaking up, if the other person needs the face to face...if you're the one doing the breaking up don't you think that maybe they deserve that much consideration.

    Again if he's violent I can understand the keeping your distance...but if this is really "all about you" and your inability to commit, or just preferring the non face to face...try thinking about the fact that if he's still calling and wanting to talk to you while texting/emailing maybe enough for you it's not for him.

    No not everyone thinks the way I do, nor does everyone think the way you do and you did put this out there...

    And if you're worried about the persons self control. Take someone with you. If in the end the phone is all you can manage that is definitely better than a text.
    Yes, I know you are right. I wouldn't feel so guilty about it if I didn't think on some level that this way was the wrong way to go about it.



    Quote Originally Posted by Elaur View Post
    I can understand breaking up that way, it's better than him convincing you to stay with him while breaking up and you regretting it. It's probably a good way to make a clean break rather than dragging things along like ENFPs are wont to do.

    Sorry your relationship didn't work out, I'm glad you enjoyed it while you had it. You seem to be progressing in a healthy manner.
    Yes, and I know myself that in order to avoid inflicting pain I could be convinced to continue dragging it on, but I would only end up resenting him and me for allowing it.

    Still, I think I will phone him and talk to him. He is now sending not so nice text messages, which is understandable to some extent because I'm not responding, but then again I see it as a sign of what he is like deeper down, and it's too close to my ex ex to be relaxed about.

    Thanks for understanding.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sytpg View Post
    Have you ever been dumped? Via email/text?

    I agree with Littlelostnf and to tell you the truth the crying thing sounds kind of petty to me. And this is coming from a enneagram 8 guy. If you have a problem with your relationship I think discussing it face to face is very important before even deciding to split up. I think everyone needs to be given a chance to try and change something before getting dumped.
    To you maybe, to me no, I don't enjoy crying infront of people, so yes I would much rather a non face to face dumping if I was being dumped.

    Also why does everyone deserve to be given a chance to change or try to change something before being dumped? there is nothing to change, he isn't even to blame, I'm just not ready to have an emotional connection to anyone and he can't try to change that because I don't want to change that.

    For me it was a big step to let anyone near me, it was over 4yrs of being alone before I felt ready to even be physically close to someone again, small steps.

    Maybe next time round I'll be more ready to consider opening up my emotions.

    Sometimes there is no need to change anything, it's over and you just know deep down you don't want to go any further.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

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  4. #24
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    Also why does everyone deserve to be given a chance to change or try to change something before being dumped?
    This is a very good question I think. Something to consider.

  5. #25
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    You should do what you feel comfortable with, especially considering your past. Just make sure that when you call him, you explain to him that to you, this would be the preferred method, hence you used it that way, but you understand that he probably needs more than that and that you're willing to answer his questions. It'll take away at least some of his confusion and potential paranoia he's got build up after this shock.
    I will, once my kids are in bed I will call him and explain it better than I have.


    Quote Originally Posted by Elaur View Post
    It is a poor way to break up. But I've also seen a lot of posts saying "just break up if you don't like the person/if it's not working out, don't drag them through this whole drawn out thing and then break up with them"

    Not doing it face to face would alleviate some of that "changing her mind because of emotion" that could happen. I do think not igoring him would be good, too, but sometimes people aren't strong enough to deal with things in the "perfect" way.
    I feel really really bad about feeling this way, and from what I see he is quite hurt, I am worried that I will be swayed back just to stop him being upset with me. I guess it's time to test whether I have even matured enough to stay firm against that kind of onslaught.

    I just didn't think he would react this way because for me there was no great emotional connection, I thought he would be cool about it and we could just slip into a friendly place lol pretty stupid of me in hindsight.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sytpg View Post
    Well, practice makes perfect. Being an ENFP doesn't mean you can't deliver the harsh truth to others when need be.
    I know.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

    Berb's Johari Berb's Nohari

  6. #26
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    From my experience ENFPs are actually pretty good at knowing how to best harmonize a situation between them and another person. If you think its best to text/email then whats wrong with that. The idea is communication and text/email allows that. Some types of people are more verbal in discussion etc. (IJ/EJ) and for an EP/IP that has already made a decision they dont want to dicuss, they just want it to be accepted.

    To EJ/IJ types if you dont want someone to dump you over text and you want open communication allow them to make there own decisions without always having to discuss it or try to "barter", they just want you to listen to then maybe talk about it, but they do not want to have to get into a argument or discussion about it.

    To the types who say "you owe it to this person", that other person also should accept that this person is not in a place emotionally to do this. Yes this is a two way thing and "communication" is the only thing that could possibly be "owed", the way things are communicated is not owed to anyone.

    To have things done your way is never "owed" it is earned. Try to figure out how to earn it instead of using a "social obligation" to push that a person "owes" it to you.

  7. #27
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    +1
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  8. #28
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    Any other ENFP's find it hard to dump someone they no longer want to be with?

    I find it really hard, honestly don't want to hurt anyones feelings, and I tend to take all the blame on to me when I do, ie "it's not you, it's me, I'm just screwed up, I'm doing you a favour" etc etc, even when I feel that I am not totally to blame for the way my interest has dwindled.

    I just broke up with the guy I was seeing, and suffice to say I snuck off in the middle of the night when he was sleeping and sent him a text (after ignoring numerous phone calls and texts off of him) later on the next day ending it by text. It was a long text, it wasn't bad, the usual it's my fault, I'm not ready, thanks for a good time and I hope we can remain friends.

    Oh I am such a coward lol I'm not proud of the way I've done this, I haven't answered any of his calls today, nor his texts pleading with me for more explanations, or to give him another chance to make good.

    I did tell him it was all on me and that he hasn't done anything wrong, I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I'm just not emotionally ready to commit to anyone, and good sex can only go so far, so I'm pretty stressed out that he feels he needs to offer to change when I have made my decision already.

    I don't want to have to explain it again, it was hard enough sending that text as it was. Roll back 10yrs and you wouldn't even have known you were dumped until you added up the complete lack of communication on my part, to get your answer from that.

    Any other enfp's cringe at the dumping stage?


    Yep, 100%

    I think my perpetual ex is precisely that because I care about him so much that whenever he comes back, (even when I am not feeling him), it is so hard for me to let him down and, or know, (how I feel).

    Only when I am incredibly angry, resentful, or at my wit's end, do I actively dump people.

    But, yeah, I'm a runner, and tend to sheepishly flee the scene whenever I can, awful and pathetic, I know.
    `
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  9. #29
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    The word 'dumping' in and of itself is so disrespectful. Blech, I'm afraid corporations seem to lay off people in a more civil way than the way most people break up.

    I think that sometimes when people are the breaker uppers there is almost a little of an ego trip associated with it.

  10. #30
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by notsweetynice View Post
    The word 'dumping' in and of itself is so disrespectful. Blech, I'm afraid corporations seem to lay off people in a more civil way than the way most people break up.

    I think that sometimes when people are the breaker uppers there is almost a little of an ego trip associated with it
    .
    I've actually never experienced this, either as the proverbial dumper, or dumpee. When you hook up with someone, there should be some iota of love and respect, and definitely caring there.

    None of that really poof-disappears if you happen to break up.
    `
    'Cause you can't handle me...

    "A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it." - David Stevens

    "That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is that it? It is."

    Veritatem dies aperit

    Ride si sapis

    Intelligentle sparkles

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